Chapter 30
‘How did it go last night?’ Ged asks me the following day. We have started gathering in the villa kitchen as per my instructions. He is looking me up and down. ‘Did you pick up the right size? I think you might be wearing Big Sue’s dress.’
‘Yeah. I thought it was too long for me,’ I say hitching it up. I take a look at the kitchen table but all of the wigs, the dresses, accessories and the shoes have gone. I am also desperate not to divulge what happened at Voices last night. ‘I wonder where everything is.’
‘Ged, my darling, are you wearing my Oscars Ken costume because I think I’ve picked up a Barbie one by mistake.’
Liam emerges through the patio doors dressed in the Barbie travel outfit. He is wearing a pair of tight-fitting hot pink trousers that have laced-up sides and pink patterned floral flares from the knee. A pink waistcoat just about fits across his torso, revealing toned arms that are a ridiculous shade of deep mustard (to match the rest of his face and body). He is wearing a neckerchief and a pink Stetson with a picture of himself kissing Ged. It looks amazing. He lifts up a flare to reveal white cowboy boots, earning him a wolf whistle from his fiancé.
‘You scrub up well yourself, babes,’ Liam says, eyeing Ged up and down. He has opted to travel in his Cowboy Ken outfit. He is head to toe in black with elaborate white fringing on the shirt, white cowboy boots and a white Stetson with a picture of him kissing Liam on the front. Together, they both look adorable.
‘I’m keeping the neon paint splash Lycra outfit for when we go roller skating. So we can be twinsies,’ says Liam. ‘Connie, did you manage to pick up the yellow kneepads? They were on the list.’
This is the first I’m hearing of a desire to go roller skating. I hide my shock, thankful that we have successfully skirted over the issue of how last night went, and scramble to check my bag for the shopping list from yesterday. Feck. There it is clear as day. I’ll have to pick some up in Vegas. There’s bound to be a sports shop somewhere.
‘Connie, I think you might have Big Sue’s dress on, love,’ Liam says, looking me over. ‘Great platform sandals. They are massive. Cherry puts such great costumes together.’
‘Thanks, you guys,’ says Cherry, coming down the stairs looking fabulous in a correctly fitting Barbie outfit. She has opted to keep her flaming red hair as it complements the colour scheme and has put it up into a high ponytail with a heavy fringe. Her make-up is flawless. Huge black flicky eyeliner, thick lashes, hot pink lips and lots of blusher. Her dark circles are nowhere to be seen. Her neat waist looks even tinier in the bum-skimming pink gingham dress as it swishes provocatively towards us. The white netting underneath provides maximum volume and bounce. She has opted for white knee-high socks with her platform sandals. She looks incredible. Only the sadness in her eye gives her away.
She shakes her head at us. ‘Nope. This is all wrong.’ She rubs her temples. ‘Sorry guys, I must have mixed everything up. I don’t know what’s got into me lately.’ She flicks me a look that suggests otherwise.
‘I know! I could wear the double denim shorts and waistcoat,’ suggests Liam, dragging Ged off to help him. ‘I’ll go get changed.’
Oh no.
Liam has an awful brown creosote streak across his backside. Cherry is about to call out to him, but I shush her. ‘There’s no time now. Our flight is in three hours. I’ll get the stain off when we get to Vegas.’
‘Okay,’ she agrees. ‘We’ll do that. Hopefully, he’s only shat himself. If it’s that fake tan we’re screwed.’
I blink slowly. It’s like a different world sometimes.
Cherry and I stand alone, facing each other across the table. She looks so vulnerable for a woman who is always so hard and prickly. ‘Do you want to come outside and talk?’ I ask her. She hesitates for a moment before nodding. We walk round the pool to the farthest spot and sit down on the luxurious sunbeds, under the shade of a large white canvas parasol.
I wait quietly not wanting to pressure her. Today is going to be fraught enough without Cherry going to pieces. She chews her nails as she stares into the pool. The sunshine is shimmering on the water in small rhythmic waves. I have no idea how nerve-wracking it must be to bring a new life into the world.
‘I’m not sure who the father is,’ she says, putting another finger to her lips.
Chew. Chew. Chew.
‘Well, actually, I think I do know who the father is. I’m just not sure how it will work.’
‘Oh. I see. Your husband isn’t the baby’s father?’ I must, must, must find out his name. I’m too embarrassed to ask Cherry. I’ll ask Tash when she comes downstairs.
Her eyes fill with tears as she shakes her head.
‘And you think you know who the father is?’ I say gently. I’d hate for it to sound rude. Like she’s having to narrow the field.
A single tear spills from her perfectly made-up eyes and rolls down her cheek. ‘Yes,’ she whispers. ‘It’s…’
The sliding open of the patio doors alerts us to the arrival of Big Mand. She looks furious. ‘Is this some kind of fucking joke?’ She stands in the doorway wearing the world’s tiniest gingham dress. It is so short it doesn’t even cover her knickers, and the bib top only covers one boob. Thankfully, she is wearing a pink bra, but the overall effect is comical. The tights are too short, so the gusset is hanging low. The wig and the shoes are the only things that fit correctly. She stands with her hands on her hips, sweeping an angry gaze around the pool until she lands on us. Her eyebrows are knitted together underneath the thick white-blonde fringe. Like mine, her Barbie wig is a high ponytail. It swishes forcefully as she stomps over to us.
‘Get in line,’ Big Sue barks from the bedroom window. ‘Whose idea was it to put me in a Ken outfit? Is this to do with yesterday? Well, I’m telling you now, it’s NOT fucking funny!’ Big Sue, wearing what looks like a big, shaggy white overcoat and a huge gold medallion hanging from her neck, pulls the window closed with a slam.
‘Oh dear,’ I say. ‘There’s obviously been a mix-up with the costumes. I think I know what’s happened.’
It was Ged and bloody Liam and that tin of TikTok creosote. They’ve stained the outfits, mixed them up and now no one is wearing the right outfit for travelling today.
‘It’s me,’ blurts Cherry. ‘I must have mixed them up. I don’t know how it’s happened, but I’ll sort it.’
‘No,’ I say. ‘It wasn’t you. It was…’ Oh God. Big Mand and Big Sue are furious enough with Ged and Liam as it is. I have very little hope of repairing the damage before we set off for the airport. ‘It was me.’
Cherry gives me a relieved look. ‘Thanks, hun, but you don’t need to cover for me.’
‘I’m not wearing this,’ yells Liberty, appearing from nowhere. ‘It’s like wearing a bloody twenty-man pop-up tent. Mandeep. I think we’ve got each other’s costumes on.’
Big Mand swings around and immediately takes the hump. ‘Are you saying I’m a fat cow?’
‘How do you know it’s not mine?’ I ask quickly. ‘In fact, it looks like it’s my size. Here, Liberty, swap with me.’
Cherry shakes her head at me. ‘It won’t work. Just let them scrap it out.’
Before either of them can come to blows, Nacho strolls round the corner wearing nothing but a small pair of swimming shorts and a smile. He stops everyone in their tracks. He is so handsome that it causes a soothing wave of calm to ripple out across the patio. He is like a walking meditation gong. Liberty is first to react. She races over to kiss him on both cheeks. He pats her on the butt and winks at her. I think we now know where she has been disappearing off to.
I feel Cherry bristle beside me. ‘Look at her. Cheap tramp. Leave him alone.’
I feel my eyes widen with shock. I’m not the only one. Big Mand is standing with her mouth gaping open. Nacho’s eyebrows are high on his forehead.
Liberty spins slowly round to face Cherry. ‘Excuse me? What did you say?’
Oh God. Why is everyone falling apart? Why are they all fighting over every tiny thing?
Cherry stands up. ‘I said leave him alone.’
‘What’s it got to do with you?’ Liberty says loudly.
The patio door swishes open. Big Sue is standing, a menacing expression on her face. She is taking up the entire frame. Tash pushes out past her and stands watching the showdown. Sister Kevin yawns, standing next to her in a double denim shorts and waistcoat that are two sizes too small.
‘That’s where it is!’ yells Liam from the far end of the pool. ‘Ged honey. I’ve found it. Sister Kev is wearing my Beach Ken travel outfit. What’s going on?’
Ged joins Liam as they stand watching the scene from the secret entrance to their romantic hideaway annexe. All of us are staring at Liberty, who is staring at Cherry, who is staring at Nacho.
‘Nacho and I happen to have a thing going on,’ says Liberty, licking her lips provocatively.
‘What sort of thing?’ asks Cherry, sounding equally catty.
‘None of your business,’ replies Liberty, slinging an arm around Nacho’s shoulders as though he’s her property.
It’s all very playgroundy.
‘Well, it is my business because…‘ Cherry nervously twists her hands round and round. ‘Because he’s my baby-daddy.’
You can hear a pin drop.
Liberty’s face falls a hundred feet while Nacho is still grinning away. He has not understood what Cherry has said. He thinks two hot gorgeous babes are fighting jealously over him, because that’s his normal.
I clear my throat and explain to Nacho in rudimentary Spanish that Cherry is with child. His child.
Nacho goes deathly white. His eyes become like saucers, and his lip begins to tremble.
Sister Kevin is the first to break the silence. ‘Oh man. I can’t imagine how gutted he must be. Imagine some chick you hardly know traps you into fatherhood. That’s his whole life ruined. Poor guy.’
Tash’s jaw drops open as her hand flies to her mouth. She lets out a small squeak, and races as fast as she can in giant platform sandals and a skintight Barbie dress, back into the villa.
Clop. Clop. Clop. She pushes past Big Sue, and we hear the angry slap of her shoes up the marble stairs and a door slamming. Followed by a bloodcurdling scream.
Sister Kevin appears genuinely confused. ‘What? What did I say?’
‘Cherry? Is this true?’ asks Nacho, his voice breaking.
Cherry nods glumly, too upset to speak.
Oh. My. God.
No one dares say anything.
Nacho tilts his head to the side as though trying to figure something out. ‘But we did not do the sex. Did we?’
Liam inhales dramatically. ‘Ooh, harsh. He can’t even remember it.’
Cherry instantly bursts into tears. Nacho runs to her and flings his arms round her. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Please. Stop the crying. It will be okay. I promise. Everything will be okay.’
Cherry looks up at him hopefully. She seems tiny in his arms.
‘When? When did you sleep with him?’ Big Sue has taken charge of the investigation. She has put her own family troubles, her grievances with Ged and Liam, her disappointment with Big Mand aside, and has come to the aid of her distressed friend. I’m almost welling up watching her. If the world was crashing to an end, it’s Big Sue you’d want watching your back. She’s all woman. I’m in awe.
I step closer to Cherry and take her hand as Nacho steps away from her. He looks bewildered. He’s not ready for this, never mind taking on Cherry and her two feral babies and thinning husband. He’d never cope.
Nacho gives Big Sue a perplexed look. He too would like to know when this night of so-called passion, which resulted in the forming of a new life, occurred. ‘After the music festival?’ he asks Cherry. ‘Is that when?’
Cherry tuts and pinches her nose, trying to retrieve specific details. ‘Whichever night you were wearing the pink glittery Stetson hat and sunglasses.’
‘That could have been any night,’ says Big Sue. ‘Think, Cherry, babes. Can you remember any other details? Were you in a bed? On the beach? Behind a bin? Where did the incident occur?’
This briefest of unmemorable incidents that neither can recall.
‘I remember you had a pink heart on your cheek…’ Cherry bites her lip, deep in thought. ‘No, not a heart. Lips. Big red lips. You were swinging my bra round and round, and you kept yelling, ‘Yeeha’ like a cowboy. I remember you pounding into me, pounding and pounding.’ She winces. ‘On and on. Pounding.’
That’s a lot of pounding.
It seems to be jogging her memory. ‘I remember thinking we were on a trampoline. I was being thrown around, up and down.’ She reaches a hand to her hair. ‘That’s right. I had my knickers on my head. Like a blindfold.’
It’s sounding very kinky.
Nacho looks vacant. He clearly has no recollection of this wild Olympic-style night. I sneak a glance over to Ged and Liam, who are standing motionless, riveted. I slide my gaze to Sister Kevin. He is finding this all highly amusing and is trying not to snigger out loud. I feel sorry for him. He will not be sniggering when Tash gets hold of him. That’s just about the worst thing she will have wanted to hear.
Oh my God. Poor Tash. If she really is pregnant then she will be crushed to think Sister Kevin doesn’t want the baby. She’ll have to think of something else to get him for his BIG birthday.
I don’t know what to do.
Stay with Cherry or rush to check on Tash?
We are interrupted by Liberty who has let out a screeching howl. We all watch as she is bent double wheezing to catch her breath. Her shoulders are shaking.
Oh God. Poor Liberty. Why must every man she has her eye on be whisked away from her quicker than she can blink. She must be distraught. She straightens up. Tears are streaming her cheeks. Her wails turn into sobs of laughter.
There’s a collective gasp.
‘It wasn’t you,’ she says to Cherry. She can barely talk for laughing. ‘It was me, you idiot. It was me he was pounding. You were asleep next to us. At least, I thought you were. I tied my thong over your eyes so you wouldn’t see us if you woke up.’
Cherry’s face falls. ‘But that would mean…’
Liberty chokes on her words. ‘Yep. Unlucky Cherry.’ She doubles over cackling with laughter, while Cherry looks at Nacho, bursts into tears and runs back into the kitchen.
Cherry lets out an anguished whine. Somehow, finding out that her thinning husband is the father of her child, after all, has proven more than deeply upsetting.