Chapter Seventeen
Alarm clocks were rude. So unbelievably rude. But yet it persisted, beeping away like the annoying nuisance to mankind it was. Bethany turned over and slapped it off and basked in the glorious silence. Screw it. She was going to miss one or two of the morning sessions. No one would know and it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
She snuggled deeper into the hotel blankets and was about to drift off again until the fog lifted, and she sprang up.
It was Monday morning, and she was supposed to be making her way back home to New York in a few hours. Bethany threw back the blankets and dashed around the room to gather her things until she came to an abrupt stop.
Something was wrong, very wrong. Starting with the fact that there was a man in the bed with her.
Ethan.
How had that happened?
The memories of last night came rushing back.
Ethan, stroking and licking her as if he had nothing better to do than spend the whole night between her thighs worshiping her. Until she was so out of her mind with lust her legs had been shaking and he finally gave her the satisfaction she’d begged for.
His eyes crazed with lust looking down at her while she was on her knees, paying him back by taking her sweet time exploring every inch of that magnificent cock.
Her back arching off the bed, her hands grabbing the headboard for dear life as he pounded into her, making her orgasm so hard she nearly passed out.
Her shamelessly rubbing her clit and stroking her breasts while he watched in rapt attention because he wanted her to show him exactly what she wanted him to do and how she liked to be pleased.
Bethany groaned and wished desperately she could take back the past twelve hours.
What the hell had she done? How could she have let this happen? She had taken complete leave of her senses and done the stupidest thing imaginable. With horror, Bethany saw her clothes strewn all over the room. Ample evidence of her debauchery and poor decision-making on display.
This was a disaster.
She’d slept with a co-worker, which was an HR nightmare waiting to happen. If anyone found out, she’d be the laughingstock of the entire hospital. Not to mention Ethan was still her rival for the Fellowship and saying her current predicament muddied the waters was an understatement of epic proportions.
It was one thing to cut loose with some harmless fun, quite another to be so irresponsible and reckless.
And to add to the indignity, last night’s activities had her deliciously achy and sore in all the right places. Or wrong places in this case. She needed aspirin.
“What are you doing?”
Later, Bethany would look back on the squeak she let out and cringe. Right now her top priority was to get the hell out. Now.
“I have to go,” she blurted out. She needed time to regroup and figure out how to fix this mess she’d made.
“Where?” Why was he so calm? And what right did he have to look so composed sitting up in bed with a tousled head of hair while she was probably a disaster.
“To my room.” Obviously. She’d been hoping to make a clean escape but no such luck.
“Well, you may have a few problems with that.” He got up, pulled on some pants and walked toward her.
“What do you mean? You can’t keep me here against my will.”
He gave a slight cough. “First of all, this is your room.”
Oh, yeah.
“And secondly, if you were to venture out into the hall, I’d advise you to put on some clothes.”
It was then that Bethany realized she was barefoot, and had pulled on a tank top and her panties, but she was essentially naked from the waist down.
“Get it together, Bethany,” she muttered to herself.
“You were trying to run from me,” he said softly.
It was on her lips to retort that retreat was not The Bethany Way, but she couldn’t deny that was exactly what she’d tried to do.
Ethan reached over to the other night table and handed over her phone. “You probably need this. Do you want some water?”
“I’m fine,” she mumbled as she powered her phone back on. If he kept being this considerate, it may very well kill her. This situation was already awkward and awful enough. He didn’t have to make it worse.
“What the hell?” As the notifications, texts, and emails popped up, horror grew.
Her head was spinning, and she couldn’t breathe. On wobbly legs, Bethany made her way to the king-sized bed and collapsed onto the mattress.
Ethan made his way to her in a flash. “What’s wrong?” His voice full of concern, he tried to put his arm around her, but Bethany shrugged him off.
“They announced the winner of the Raskin Fellowship,” she replied woodenly. Her brain had somehow mixed up the dates, and she’d thought the announcement was next week. She turned to him, her face deliberately blank. “You should check your phone.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he insisted. “I know you worked so hard, you have nothing to be ashamed of.” He tried to hold her hand but was rebuffed again.
“Check. Your. Phone.”
He acquiesced. His brows were furrowed, then she saw a gamut of emotions play over his face.
“Congratulations,” she choked out. As devastated as she was, she was going to be gracious even if it killed her. No one would ever accuse her of being a spoiled brat and poor loser. And if winning helped him apply successfully for permanent residency she could hardly begrudge him that.
Meanwhile the messages kept rolling in.
So sorry.
Better luck next year.
You’ll get ’em next time.
Are you okay?
You know we’re still proud of you, right?
From CeeCee. Fan-fucking-tastic. Her brother and sister-in-law already knew about her colossal failure. She should have kept her damn mouth shut because of course Cecily would have put the fellowship on Google alert.
Fuck. So sorry, B. I’ll have a bottle of Grey Goose ready and we’ll get shit-faced together.
While she appreciated Jaya’s offer, Bethany knew she had no one to blame but herself. She’d let her guard down, and lost sight of the prize. She’d lost herself. And all over a man.
Ethan cleared his throat and stayed silent. Which was driving her nuts.
“Well?” she demanded. Where was the obnoxious victory celebration, the gloating? Why wasn’t he rubbing it in her face? Instead, he did something a hundred million times worse.
He pulled her close and gave her a hard, tight hug. And began to murmur soothingly while he rested his chin on top of her head.
Bethany would’ve preferred the gloating and victory dance, hands down. Even an actual gut punch. This display of comfort and understanding was way too much.
Enough was enough. She pushed away, took a deep breath and tried to gather herself.
She saw Ethan open his mouth and held up a hand.
“Don’t. Just don’t,” she warned.
“I’m sorry,” he began.
“Why are you sorry? You won. You should be on top of the world. I’m sure Dr. Laidlaw will be happy to throw you a celebration once we get back to town.” And it would have to be a celebration she’d have to skip. Even she wasn’t strong enough to put on a brave front under such circumstances.
“You don’t have to do this.”
“I’m not doing anything. We both knew there could only be one winner.”
“I know you’re hurt and disappointed.” His tone was soft and it irritated Bethany to no end.
“I’m not. I’m not,” she repeated more forcefully at his skeptical look. “I don’t have a right to be disappointed. Actions have consequences and I’m merely sowing what I reaped.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Bethany got up from the bed and began to pace.
“I allowed myself to get distracted. If I had stayed on point and focused on my job, I wouldn’t have lost. I should have worked harder, prepared better. I missed something and that’s why I lost.”
And in one fell swoop she hadn’t just let herself down. Nay, nay. It was much worse. She’d let her parents down. She’d let her patients down. She’d failed. She hadn’t been able to measure up when it mattered most. Now her parents would know they’d been wrong to sacrifice so much for her. She hadn’t been worth it after all.
She looked over at Ethan. “Again, congratulations. This one time, you were right. You didn’t let stupid emotions get in the way. You got the job done. It pays to be a robot sometimes. I have something to learn from you after all.”
“Stop pushing me away.” Frustrated. Ethan ran his hand through his hair. “We have something great going here.”
“I’m doing nothing of the sort. We will still be co-workers and colleagues. I’ll always be available for a consult.”
“We’re more than that and you damn well know it.”
Bethany narrowed her eyes. “This,” she emphasized, waving a hand between them, “was always temporary. What happens in San Francisco stays in San Francisco.” She’d been an utter fool to think otherwise.
“I was hoping your mind would change,” Ethan said softly. “I thought we’d made some headway these past few months, and this weekend especially.”
“Get real,” she scoffed. “This was just a hormonal thing, no more no less. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was great. But like I already said, all good things come to an end.”
“It’s more than that for me.”
“My family interferes and meddles and insists on knowing every detail of my life. Don’t read more into it than there is. Like I said, it was nice while it lasted.” Bethany was so focused on her inner turmoil she missed the look on Ethan’s face.
“I see. My mistake.”
His tone cut through the fog and Bethany looked up, brows furrowed.
“Don’t take it personally. My family does legit like you. I told you, they already like you more than me.” Taking things personally was what led her to her current predicament.
“So that’s it?”
“Why are you taking this so hard?” She relented a bit. She owed him a bit of honesty if nothing else. “Okay you are right. In an alternate universe, maybe we could see where this would have led, but it’s impossible. I can’t believe I let lust and sex muddle my brain so much that I lost sight of what was important. What was I thinking? Of course this can’t happen anymore.”
“Why not?”
“HR would be apoplectic. Not to mention the hit to my reputation. And yours.”
“Who cares?”
“Just like a man,” she scoffed, while rolling her eyes. “Easy for you to say. You can shrug off the whispers, gossip, and innuendo—not me. I already have strikes against me. You know how hard it is for female physicians to be taken seriously. Do you honestly think everyone knowing I’m sleeping with you would help matters?” What a fool she’d been glossing over the pitfalls earlier. Thank goodness reality had brought her back to her senses.
“Then I can try to find a job at another hospital. Problem solved.”
“No, it wouldn’t. And don’t you dare.” The department would never forgive her if they found out she was the reason he’d left. “I don’t understand why you keep pushing. Shouldn’t you be relieved? I thought finding a woman who was only interested in no-strings-attached sex was the holy grail for most men.”
“Because I have feelings for you, you stubborn, infuriating woman.”
“Hey, what’s with the insults?” Then his words processed.
“Feelings? We agreed to leave feelings out of it.”
“You want honesty? Fine, let’s be honest. Since the first moment we met, I was attracted to you. But now I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve fallen in love with you. So please stop pushing me away and talk to me.” His words were earnest and the truth of them were clear in his eyes.
“Stop it. No, you don’t. This is some game you’re playing. Is this some weird way to help me feel better about losing by distracting me?”
“No. I’m not lying. Part of the reason why I’m so determined to stay here and work here is you. You’ve helped make New York home. I never realized how lonely I was until you filled in that void.”
No, no, no.All these stupid feelings were muddling things and messing with her head.
“Listen, I’m flattered but…”
Frustrated, Ethan put his hands on her shoulders, and looked straight into her eyes. “You don’t get to evade with me. Whatever you’re feeling about not winning the Fellowship, we can get through it together.”
“Oh my God, you don’t get it do you??”
He sat down on the bed and gestured. “Then help me understand.”
“The point is, I don’t have time for a relationship right now. I can’t afford it. Whatever this was between us cost me the Fellowship. I can’t afford to make another mistake like this again.”
“I’m a mistake?”
“Oh stop. I don’t mean it like that. My whole life, I’ve had to work hard, to prove my worth and be taken seriously. To show I’m good enough. And because I got so wrapped up with you, I took my eye off the ball and failed. Do you know how hard it’s going to be for me to gain back the ground I just lost?”
“Who says you have to prove you’re good enough?”
Bethany scoffed. “Welcome to the world of being a woman in a male-dominated world. A woman of color to boot. And a woman of color who grew up in a solid, hardworking, middle-class family but had to watch every penny. We didn’t have the resources and access you did. Doors didn’t automatically open for me. I had to fight for everything I’ve earned. My parents had to sacrifice so much to send me to a charter school and medical school, and I’ve let them down.”
“I’m sure that’s not true,” he protested, reaching out to her. But again, she brushed him off.
“I think I know my family and parents better than you do,” she said coldly. She crossed her arms.
“You’re their daughter. I’ve seen you with them. You know they love you.”
But that didn’t mean they didn’t have expectations of her that she’d failed to meet.
“We’re getting off track. And you need to leave.” She turned toward the door, but his hand shot out to stop her.
“No, we’re going to finish this. Just because you lost the Fellowship doesn’t mean you can’t apply next year. And no one will think less of you. You’re still an amazing doctor.”
She snorted and rolled her eyes.
“Stop with that chip on your shoulder. Yes, maybe I grew up more financially advantaged but I also didn’t have the love and warmth you have with your family. Give yourself and them more credit. You don’t have to achieve to be worthy.”
He was wrong. She owed her family a huge debt and she’d never be able to pay them back, especially now.
Ethan’s eyes narrowed as he narrowed in on the actual problem. “Let me ask you, if you had won, what’s next? Would you need to win the Nobel Peace Prize next? What would it finally take for you to tell yourself you’re good enough? You keep saying you have to prove yourself. To who?”
This was getting too close for comfort.
“I don’t need to hear this.”
“Yes, you do. Hear this: you have always been more than good enough in my eyes. I know that; everyone knows that. The only person who doesn’t seem to know it is you.”
Tears pricked her eyes, and she stubbornly held them at bay. She refused to show a scintilla of weakness in front of Ethan. She’d already revealed too much and he already saw and understood too much. She’d been practically laid bare in front of him.
“You need to go,” she croaked.
“All right,” he said quietly. It took him a mere two minutes to dress, gather his things and leave, but it was the longest two minutes of her life. The tension was suffocating.
The door slamming shut behind him had a note of finality to it that broke her heart.
This whole thing had been a mistake. She’d let her heart rule her head and it’d cost her everything. But for the first time in her life, she had no idea how to fix the mess she’d made.
She had to face her parents and co-workers and friends when she went back home, and the idea made her ill. She couldn’t come up with a plan of attack to bend the world to her will. She couldn’t turn back time to fix all the mistakes she’d made that’d cost her the fellowship.
There was nothing to be done. The Bethany Way couldn’t help her now. For the first time in her life, she was utterly lost, heartbroken, and confused.
And she hated it.
So much for The Bethany Way.