Chapter Eighteen
As she rode the N train making her way to Sunset Park, Bethany rehearsed in her head just how she was going to break the bad news. How exactly she would tell her parents that despite her best efforts she had failed. Spectacularly. Not only had she lost out on the Fellowship to Ethan (which would be something that would stick in her craw from now until the end of time) but her work was beginning to suffer because her head wasn’t in the game.
All that was small potatoes to the worst part. The worst part was having to admit to Ma and Ba that she had come up short in trying to pay them back for their years, decades, of hard work and sacrifice. She’d wanted to make them proud by telling them she’d won the Fellowship and was paying off the second mortgage. Bethany scoffed to herself as she thought back to how she was pricing plane tickets and hotel reservations to Maui for their second honeymoon two months ago. Now they were going to have to make sure the gossip didn’t run rampant and the neighbors wouldn’t be all abuzz. She couldn’t bear if her parents had to face that onslaught because of what she did. And it wasn’t just a matter of her own personal pride. Martin and Pam didn’t deserve that.
For a brief moment, Bethany considered keeping her mouth shut. After all, Amah’s birthday party was next weekend. An argument could be made for giving herself a temporary reprieve. Don’t let her bad news overshadow and ruin the auspicious event. The bad news could wait, and perhaps, by a stroke of very good luck or a major miracle, things would fix themselves and she wouldn’t need to confess anything at all. In fact, maybe she was the selfish one, prioritizing clearing her conscience above the needs and best interests of the rest of the family.
But the thought left as soon as it entered her mind.
“Screw that,” Bethany muttered to herself, blowing out a breath. Taking the easy way out was not The Bethany Way. She believed in confronting things head on and this was no exception. It was going to be a painful, awkward conversation but there was nothing for it. She’d have to take her lumps, face the consequences and deal with it. It wasn’t the end of the world. No one was going to die. Having to tell her parents everything could possibly make her want to curl up and die, but no one would actually die.
The train stopped at 59th Street and she got off. With a grimace, Bethany made her way up to street level and began the ten-minute walk to her parents’ brownstone. The whole way there she kept reminding herself that this was just a temporary setback.
Somehow, someway, she’d figure out how to turn things around and make them right. Her plans had been derailed slightly—that was all. While she had to come clean to her parents, she could also tell them steps were being taken to remedy the disaster.
That made her feel a little better.
She considered it good luck when she opened the door and entered the living room that it was empty, which was rare. Usually, the brownstone was teeming with activity, with family and neighbors coming through. She was going to need privacy for this. She made her way to the kitchen where she could already hear Martin and Pam puttering around, as per their usual weekend routine.
Pam turned from the stove and let out a scream as she saw her daughter in the doorway. The plate she was holding fell to the floor with a great shatter. Meanwhile, her father made a beeline to the drawer and grabbed the nearest cleaver. Bethany winced at the chaos she’d unwittingly set into motion. Probably she should have texted and announced her arrival beforehand.
“Don’t ever do that again,” Pam insisted, hand to her heart. At least her breathing had returned to normal. The glint Bethany detected in her mother’s eyes told her that Pam was possibly considering sending her upstairs and coming up after her with a clothes hanger. After all, as any Asian parent would tell you, your child was never too old for an ass whooping.
“Sorry,” Bethany muttered.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were coming? I would have made food for you. And you should be ashamed of yourself. Why scare us like that? We’re old—you know our hearts can’t take the stress and shock,” her mother lectured.
Still in hot water, Bethany refrained from rolling her eyes. “Ma, I went with you to see your cardiologist two months ago. Dr. Pavey said you’re fine. In fact, he said you’re probably going to outlive me.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her father put the cleaver back and grab another cup of coffee, while muttering to himself in Mandarin. Bethany figured she was better off not knowing what he was saying. Sometimes, ignorance was indeed bliss.
Now with the scolding out of the way, Pam took a closer look at her youngest child. “What’s wrong?” she asked bluntly.
Bethany took a seat at the kitchen table. Her parents exchanged a look over her head. With a shake of his head, her father sat down beside her. “Whatever this is, it’s gotta be bad. What happened? What did you do? Do you need money? Are you doing drugs? Developed a gambling habit?”
Pam narrowed her eyes. “Are you pregnant? I know I said I want more grandkids, but we raised you better than this. If you’re having a baby, you and Ethan better be getting married.”
How the hell were her parents coming up with this stuff? Maybe her big brother’s imagination as a screenwriter wasn’t so unexpected after all. Could just be nothing but a family thing.
“No, nothing like that,” she assured them. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. If her parents considered unexpected pregnancy or an addiction problem the worst-case scenario, her confession might land better than she’d hoped.
“Then what did you do?” Pam demanded as she wiped her hands and set down a plate of fruit that she’d cut and washed.
Despite herself, Bethany got a bit defensive. “What makes you think it was something I did?” she demanded. “Why automatically assume it was my fault? Maybe I’m the injured, innocent party here.” Her parents looked at each other, then looked at her again. The silence was damning and spoke volumes.
“Fine,” she huffed. Bethany took a deep breath and ripped off the Band-Aid.
“Remember the Raskin Fellowship I told you about?”
“That money competition you were telling us about? Why? Did you win? Martin, call the Golden Phoenix and make a reservation. This is a special occasion, we can splurge. Wait. Never mind that. Call Joey Fong. He’ll get us in—his cousin is the manager.
Bethany reminded herself her mother didn’t mean to twist the knife and make her mission today a million times worse.
“There’s no need to call Joey or the restaurant. That’s why I’m here. To tell you I didn’t win.” She hung her head in shame as she waited for the yelling, harsh condemnation, and avalanche of criticism she knew was her due.
Instead, her parents just looked at her like she’d grown a fourth head.
“Then get the Fellowship next year,” Martin said. “You can do it. You’ve always done anything you set your mind to.” He popped a few juicy grapes in his mouth.
Confusion furrowed her brows. How could her parents be so blasé about this? Didn’t they understand what she was trying to tell them?
“And if you needed to tell us this, you could’ve just called us,” Pam piped up. “Instead of scaring us this early on a Saturday afternoon. And you’re making me late. I need to go grocery shopping and Judith is coming over later for mah-jong.” Then she paused. “Not that you aren’t welcome, or we aren’t happy to see you. But your baba and I are busy. We have lives, you know.”
“Or even a text,” Martin agreed. “I’m getting good at texting now. One of the neighbor’s kids showed me how to add eye-moon-jees to my texts. They’re a lot of fun.”
“And jiffys,” Pam said. She rolled her eyes. “Yesterday he sent me a jiffy of a Black man tapping his head because he remembered his Costco card when he went and got extra coupons and discounts. So proud of himself, like he’s so smart.”
“I am smart,” his father insisted. “I remembered to buy double of the brand of laundry detergent you like.”
“I’m sorry,” Bethany blurted, unable to take it any longer.
“Sorry for what? You’re not the one who taught your father how to use jiffys.”
“Not about that. But just for the record it’s pronounced what a hard g. Like gift without the ‘t.’”
Pam sighed and put her hand on her hips. “Then what are you sorry about? You’re making no sense.”
“I failed. I let you down. I’m so sorry.” Those were possibly the hardest words she’d ever had to utter.
“Because you didn’t teach him not to use gifs?” Pam asked, confused, taking care to emphasize the hard g.
“Because I didn’t get the Fellowship and the money. I wanted to make you proud and instead I did the complete opposite.” Bethany swallowed hard and prepared to face the well-deserved judgment coming her way.
Her mother merely raised a brow. “Why are you putting this on us? You let yourself down, not us. Leave your father and me out of it. If you’re feeling bad about what happened, figure out a way to fix it. We didn’t teach you to feel sorry for yourself. It’s unattractive.”
“Besides, you said you can apply again next year, right? Maybe it’s for the best. You’ll know better what to do next time.”
Bethany looked at her parents, her head swinging back and forth, trying to absorb what was happening. “You guys aren’t disappointed in me? You’re not ashamed of me?”
Now Pam’s lips thinned. “Since when have we ever said our love and approval was dependent on you not disappointing us? We are not unreasonable monsters. Is that what you think?” Great. Now her mother was offended. This was so not going according to plan.
“Well, there was that time you brought that boy Craig to meet us. A disrespectful snot-nosed little boy. That was disappointing. But never you.”
“I think we’re getting off track here,” Bethany muttered. “And as for Craig, I was eighteen. I was still young and stupid. That shouldn’t be held against me.”
Her mother turned narrowed eyes to her. “Where is this nonsense coming from?”
“I know how hard you both worked to send me to school.”
“Just like we did for your brothers and sister. What’s your point?”
“You didn’t take out a second mortgage because of them!” she burst out.
“Who told you? No one was supposed to know about that.”
“Never mind how I found out. The point is I owe you, and I am so, so sorry I let you down.”
“How many times do we have to tell you to stop saying that? You’re making no sense. And being ridiculous. This isn’t like you.”
“I swear to you I had a plan and spreadsheets. So many spreadsheets. I’m paying back every penny. High school, college, everything.” Even if it took until she was seventy years old.
“Who’s asking you to pay back the money for your education?”
“It’s something I have to do.”
“Says who?”
“Says me!” she exploded. “You shouldn’t have had to remortgage the house and put yourselves into debt for me. The least I can do is pay you back and show you that your hard work and sacrifice were worth it.”
Pam rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “Is that what this is about? You’re feeling guilty?” She then looked at her husband. “I know your father and I stressed respect for your parents and elders but that’s going a bit far don’t you think? Then again, that’s what you always do.”
“We paid for your education because we’re your parents and that was our responsibility. We were just doing our job.” her father added.
“But the fact that you seem to think you’re obligated to repay us and that it’s something we expect tells me we failed at some point. What makes you think we’d be those sorts of people?”
Great now her mother was offended all over again. And for something she didn’t even see coming.
“I just wanted to show how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me,” she explained.”
Pam raised a brow. “What did we tell you when you brought home your report card and asked for money because your friend Alice got paid for every A she got?”
“That no one gets rewarded for doing what they’re supposed to do anyway.”
“Exactly. We sent you and all your siblings to college because that’s what parents do who care about their kids and want to set them up for success. We were happy to do it because we’re your parents and we love you. To suggest otherwise is insulting. So don’t insult us by throwing it back in our faces.”
At that Bethany had to sit down and take a moment to collect herself. In a million years this was not how she saw the conversation going. To think all these years, she’d worked so hard to live up to the expectations she’d put on herself for her parents’ sake and her parents were now telling her it was unnecessary.
“Why did you think you have to do all this to earn our approval? What’s wrong with you? Aren’t doctors supposed to be confident? Even a little arrogant? You need to work on that. If you don’t have confidence in yourself, how can your patients believe in you?” Her father’s brow furrowed in confusion.
Pam frowned. “Is this because you’re a woman? I hear that patients don’t take women doctors as seriously. So that’s even more reason for you to work hard and project confidence.”
“I won’t let it be a problem anymore,” Bethany promised. Her mind flashed back to Ethan helped her put that insufferable man in his place. And did her best to ignore the pang in her heart.
Her father then narrowed his eyes. “What about your student loans? I thought you said you were paying them back every month like you were supposed to.”
“I am. The spreadsheets were a way for me to see if I can pay more than the bare minimum every month.” It was always the interest that was the killer.
“Okay, if you say so.”
“I was just sweating because I was trying to pay off these damn loans and pay off the mortgage for the house and send you all on a honeymoon to Hawaii or somewhere in the Caribbean. You’ve never been.”
Her parents exchanged a glance. “We paid off the mortgage about two years ago. Jeffrey gave us some money after the first two Ian Grey movies. If you had asked us, we would have told you. Look at you worrying and doing all that for nothing.”
Her oldest brother just ended up back on her list. And he would be totally insufferable if he knew he’d beat her to the punch.
“Our forty-fifth anniversary is coming up. If you want to send us to the Bahamas, I won’t say no.”
Martin rolled his eyes. “Sand everywhere. And I’m allergic to coconuts and they put that in all the drinks and in everything.”
Pam elbowed him in the stomach, and he doubled over with an oof. “Hush. I’ve always wanted to buy one of those seashell necklaces. And go to one of those islands in that Beach Boys song.” She turned her eyes to her daughter. “What about a cruise?”
“If you want a cruise, you got it.” And God help Jeffrey, Alex, or Becca if they tried to upstage her or get in the way of her providing this trip for her parents. She wasn’t above issuing the necessary threats.
Pam got up and began to clear the table. Then flicked a glance at Bethany. “Well, what are you waiting for? Come help me clean up. Since you’re here, let me make you some food to take home. But next time give me some warning, eh? I have some daikon stew in the fridge and your favorite pork chops. Oh, and some marinated cucumbers. I’ll make you some dumplings too. You’re coming with me to the market. We need more rice noodles and mushrooms and bok choy. You’re lucky your ma loves you. It’s cold and windy outside but still I go shopping for you.”
The familiar scolding from Pam was like a soothing balm to the soul. It was a bit of an ego bruise to know that for years, all the stress and expectations she’d put on herself had been self-imposed. How was she supposed to know her parents would be so totally unbothered? Well, as unbothered as any Asian parent could be. She’d thought she had to make it up to them and prove herself worthy of all their love, hard work, and sacrifice. And all along, she should have known she was enough. Had always been more than enough.
The realization was freeing and humbling at the same time.
“So, who won the Fellowship?” Pam asked, curious as she passed over the plate of sliced apples.
Bethany scrunched her nose. “Ethan,” she admitted.
Her parents’ faces lit up. “Oh, that’s nice. You should invite him over. I’ll cook a nice meal and we can celebrate with Alex and Allie and the kids.” Bethany could already see the wheels in Pam’s head turning. Her mother was prepared to pull out all the stops. But at the look on her face, Pam stopped and narrowed her eyes.
“What happened? What’s wrong?”
“Uh…we sorta maybe broke up,” she offered meekly.
“He broke up with you? Well that shows he’s stupid. You deserve better.”
Bethany swallowed hard. “No, other way around. But I appreciate the loyalty.”
“Why did you dump him? Your baba and I really liked him. You really think you can do better than Ethan? You shouldn’t be so picky, or you’ll end up old and all alone.”
For the sake of her sanity, Bethany decided to ignore her mother’s inexplicable one-eighty in the space of five seconds.
“It’s complicated,” she started.
“Is it because he won, and you didn’t?” Martin demanded, his brow raised.
“Not entirely…”
“We didn’t raise you to be a poor sport,” Pam lectured, lips pursed. “Fix it. We like him, the whole family likes him, and we shouldn’t be punished because of your poor behavior and choices. Apologize and fix this.” She wagged a finger to make her point.
Remembering the things she’d said to Ethan in that San Francisco hotel room a week ago, Bethany wasn’t sure if there was an apology big enough to repair the damage.
“It may not be that easy, Ma.”
“If you don’t make this right, I’ll call him myself,” Pam threatened. Then she got up and went to the closet to get her coat.
“Come on, we have a lot to do. We can’t get to the store too late, or the produce won’t be fresh.”
Obediently, Bethany followed. While her mind was still a bit muddled, and her mother’s threat still hovered over her head, her heart was lighter.
It was going to be okay. However, she still had two major problems:
1)How to fix things with Ethan.
2How was she supposed to make sense of her life after today’s revelations?