40. Alex
CHAPTER 40
ALEX
B y our third night on Ibiza, I was exhausted. Not from the sex or anything else—from being battered internally by my own emotions.
Connor wanted a few minutes for a FaceTime chat with Quinn. I was hardly going to bitch about that; any chance he had to talk to his sons, I was all for it.
While they talked, I slipped out to the second-floor terrace for a breather. Gazing out at the beautiful landscape, I finally stopped fighting all those feelings that had been trying to elbow their way in since I’d landed on this island.
Connor and I had both admitted more than once that we were in this for more than sex, but reality was what it was—we didn’t have the staying power I wished we did. Just getting to Ibiza had involved a logistics headache, from him lying to his command about where he was going to dealing with all the fun of air travel. Sure, we didn’t have that fear of someone seeing us the way we did when we stepped out of a hotel in El Puerto or Jerez. We didn’t have to look over our shoulders here—just enjoy our time together.
But what happened when we were back in Rota? When we were back to that stress and paranoia?
My shoulders slumped and I closed my eyes. I was so ridiculously in love with Connor, but I was torturing myself, and sooner or later, it was going to blow up in my face.
So why wait until later?
A lump rose in my throat as I considered my options. I kind of wanted to wait until tomorrow, right before one of us left for the airport. At least then we wouldn’t be stuck in this house. On the other hand, I could say something tonight and be done with it. There was a second bedroom in the house. Or I could go find a hotel if there were any vacancies on the island. Hell, I could go sleep at the damn airport. Anything but staying another night beside the man whose presence was starting to hurt more than his absence probably would.
How do I tell you I don’t want this? Because I want it more than anything else, but I can’t make myself stick around and wait for it to implode.
Some part of me wanted to cling to the possibility that this wasn’t going to fall apart. That Connor really did want me, and that—somehow—I was worth the risk and the effort. He’d been called into the CO’s office and confronted about it, and he still wanted to see me. That had to mean something, right?
He’s fishing in a very, very limited pond.
As soon as he finds a more convenient piece of ass, he won’t need me.
Or when he realizes his hand gets the job done without all the risk to his job.
It’s only a matter of time, Alex. You know it is.
Your own parents won’t even put in the work to visit you. Why would he keep doing this indefinitely?
None of that sounded like Connor, but I still couldn’t convince myself that those intrusive thoughts were wrong. I hadn’t thought Tobias was that way, either.
I sighed and hung my head, exhausted just from listening to my own mind. The stress of sneaking around was miserable enough. Every moment I spent with Connor was worth it… but there was always that doubt hanging in the back of my mind that he was going to bail. And the more time I spent with him, the deeper I got into this, and the more it was going to hurt when he finally called time.
So why wait around for the inevitable? Why keep walking around with the Sword of Damocles tickling the back of my neck when I could just cut my losses and get a jump on getting over him? Because if breaking up with him hurt today, it was just going to hurt more tomorrow, and the next day, and the one after that.
Behind me, the terrace door slid open. My spine prickled at the sound of Connor’s bare feet coming across the stone floor.
When he slid his arms around my waist and kissed the side of my neck, my composure nearly snapped. God, I loved him. And I wanted him. And I didn’t want to let him go.
“Hey.” He kissed behind my ear. “Sorry it took so long.”
I forced a smile as I covered his hands with mine. “Don’t apologize for talking to your boys.”
“I just didn’t want to ditch you.”
“You didn’t. It’s all good.” I turned around in his embrace and…
Oh, fuck me.
As soon as I looked in his eyes, my mind was made up. Whether I ended up in the other bedroom, another hotel, or on the airport floor, I had to do this now. I couldn’t sleep next to him. Not even one more night. I wanted to—God, I wanted to be with him every hour of every night—but it was only going to make the inevitable hurt even more.
Connor’s expression shifted to one of concern, and he tilted his head as he studied me. “You okay?” Hands still on my waist, he said, “You look kind of…” He trailed off as if he couldn’t find the words.
I dropped my gaze as all the breath rushed out of me. “Just, um… Just thinking. About… About everything we’re doing.”
His fingers twitched minutely on my sides. The tension in his body was subtle, but I was too dialed in to him not to notice. “What about it?”
I swallowed hard. It took work, but he deserved to have me look him in the eye, so I did. “I don’t think I can keep doing this.”
Connor’s hands lightened ever so slightly, but they didn’t lift away. “You don’t… What do you mean?”
I shifted my gaze out to the landscape because I was a fucking coward, and because I was trying like hell not to break down. “Look at everything we have to do just to see each other.” I gestured at our surroundings. “It was hard enough when we could sneak off to your place, but now…” I chewed my lip as I struggled to hold myself together.
“You don’t think it’s worth it?” The hurt in his voice was a gut punch. So was the sudden coolness where his hands had been on my waist.
“It’s totally worth it.” I forced back all those emotions and faced him again, which dragged all of them right back to the surface. The pain in his eyes was just too damn much. Still, I barreled on. “But sooner or later—I mean, is what we’re doing really worth everything you’re putting on the line? And all the headache you have to deal with just so you can have a few hours or a few days with me?”
He stared at me in obvious disbelief. “Is it worth—of course it is. That’s why I’m here.”
Frustration tightened my chest. “And what about a few weeks from now? Or a few months from now? How long—” My voice threatened to break, and I had to clear my throat before trying again. “How long are you going to jump through all these hoops just for…” I gestured at myself.
The disbelief in his expression intensified. “As long as I need to. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” He shook his head. “I know it’s tough, and it sucks that we have to deal with the Navy’s bullshit, but we can make this work if?—”
“We can’t, Connor,” I snapped unsteadily. “We… Do you realize how long we have to keep it quiet like this?”
“Until you retire.” He tilted his head. “Is that what this is about? Because you’re afraid we’ll get caught?”
“I’m not afraid of us getting caught,” I said. “We’re—it’s not that hard to be careful, you know? Especially since no one knows either of us is into men. No one except my asshole ex. But in order to keep it that way, we have to jump through hoops and strategize every goddamned thing we do or place we go. All so we can fly under everyone’s radar.” My voice came out brittle and raw as I whispered, “How much more of that are you going to do before you decide I’m not worth it?”
Connor’s lips parted, horror replacing the confusion on his face. “What are you talking about? What makes you think I’m going to decide you’re not worth it?”
My shoulders sagged as I pushed out a breath. “I know where I stand with people, okay? My own family doesn’t think seeing me is worth the hassle of flying halfway around the world or even showing up for a damn FaceTime call. The only man who’s ever thought I was worth dating just wanted a plaything.” I threw up a hand. “I’m not na?ve enough to think someone like you—a goddamned doctor who’s intelligent and just amazing —is going to see me as some kind of fucking prize. Especially not when it takes ten times the work to be with me so you don’t throw your whole damn life off the rails.”
He stared at me as if I’d spoken in another language. Maybe I had.
As ragged and flayed as I felt, I kept going before I lost what little steam I had. “I know hooking up has been fun. And I know we’ve gotten closer than we thought we would. But… I mean, I’m the first man you’ve ever been with. What happens when that novelty wears off? What the fuck is left?”
Connor blinked a couple of times, then shook himself. “Okay. Okay, first of all…” He paused as if he needed to collect his thoughts. “Look, the novelty of being with a man wore off a long time ago.”
I inclined my head, eyeing him dubiously.
He huffed out a sigh. “Jesus Christ. The first night we went to the club in Sevilla? That was all about being a queer man stepping out for the first time. From the minute you offered me a ride back from the train station, it stopped being about that and started being about how much I wanted you.”
My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth.
He wasn’t done yet, either. “You’re also the first person who’s understood me the way you do. I don’t have to be embarrassed when my PTSD flares up. I don’t have to feel like I’m alone in it because I’m with someone who gets it. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone, but I can’t tell you what a relief it’s been to be with someone who really understands why I can’t let that trauma go.”
“Or why that trauma won’t let you go,” I murmured.
“Exactly. Yeah, I could be with someone who didn’t know firsthand what it was like. I was with someone like that for over twenty years. But it’s done me more good than I expected to be with someone who does get it.”
I avoided his gaze. A bitter remark of “well, at least I’m useful” wanted to fall off my tongue, but I held it back. He didn’t mean it like that, and he didn’t deserve me lashing out at him. Not even if it would speed this process along so I could get on with getting over him.
“Also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” he said softly, “but I’ve been having an amazing time with you. Not just in bed, but traveling around. Or when you’ve been able to come to my place, hanging out in the pool or the cabana. Yeah, I’d love for us to be able to go out publicly without anyone noticing or caring, but there’s nothing I can do about that. What we can do in the meantime—that’s been more than enough for me. Even since we’ve had to start being more careful after the captain’s warning.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. Especially because I really, really wanted to believe him, but deep down… I didn’t believe him. Or at least, I didn’t believe everything we did would be enough a couple of months or a year and a half down the line.
“All the precautions we have to take,” I whispered. “It’s going to be over a year before we can stop any of that.” I made myself look in his beautiful dark eyes. “Probably longer so no one realizes we were involved with each other before I retired. And I’ll be back in the U.S. while you stay here.” I had to fight hard to swallow. “How long do you really want to sign up for this shit?”
“As long as it takes,” he said without hesitation. “This isn’t a fling for me, Alex.”
The words brought me up short.
Him too, apparently, because he tensed a little as some color rose in his face, as if he’d shown a card he hadn’t intended. “I… maybe that’s what it is for you. Maybe that’s what we set out to have in the beginning. But… it isn’t like that for me. Not anymore.” He squared his shoulders. “I don’t want this until we get tired of keeping it a secret. I want this. I want you . Full stop.
I dropped my gaze so he wouldn’t see me blinking away these sudden stupid tears. “Why, though? That’s what I don’t get.” Fuck it—I swiped at my eyes, then met his and stopped caring if he noticed all the emotions I couldn’t hide. “I’m just some almost-forty corpsman who’s never had a decent relationship, never been worth anyone’s effort, and doesn’t know what the hell he’s going to do when he retires.” I threw up my hands and admittedly sounded a bit pathetic as I whispered, “I don’t get the appeal.”
Connor laughed softly, though I didn’t get the impression he was laughing at me. More like I’d said something absurd and he couldn’t get his head around it. “Alex. Jesus. I…” He raked a hand through his hair and sighed. “Obviously when you look in the mirror, you see a very different person than I do.”
I stated at him. “What?”
He shook his head and stepped a little closer. Then he reached for my hand, and I tried not to choke on my emotions as he laced our fingers together. I should’ve pulled away—should’ve kept the lines clear—but his touch felt too damn good to let go.
Connor was quiet for a moment. Then he looked me right in the eyes. “Listen, I loved my ex-wife. I did. And I tried to make it work with her.”
I nodded along, not sure where he was going with this. What did his ex-wife or his marriage have to do with this?
He took a deep breath. “At the end of the day, she and I got married because we had to. If not for our son, I highly doubt we ever would’ve gotten married. But I still loved her, you know? I was still in love with her, and I still thought what she and I had was what every couple had, even if we sped things along because of the baby.”
I swallowed, still confused. “O… kay?”
“The way I felt about her and the relationship we had—I always wondered in the back of my mind, ‘that’s it? That ’s what people fall all over themselves for?’ I felt guilty for that, and I felt like a failure because I’d married my high school sweetheart but wasn’t as happy as I should’ve been. I just always thought there was something missing.” He glanced down at our hands, then back up at me, and his voice came out a little shakier. “Turns out I was right to question it all, because I never knew what it meant to be in love with someone until you.”
My breath stuttered.
“You’re not a placeholder for someone I haven’t met yet.” He squeezed my hand. “You’re not a novelty because you’re the first man I’ve ever touched. You’re worth everything I’m risking and all the effort and then some, because I have never felt this way about another human being in my life.”
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even breathe, but even if I could, I had no idea what to say. Of all the things he could’ve told me when we faced off like this, that was the last thing I’d expected.
“My sons figured out I was seeing someone because they saw the look on my face when I was texting you,” he continued. “They told me they were glad to see me happy again because they’d always worried I was unhappy with their mom.” His shoulders fell as he looked right in my eyes. “Doesn’t that tell you something? When my sons suss out that I’ve got someone, and they realize I’m happier than I ever was when I was married?”
“They… They really picked up on…”
“Yes,” he whispered. “And like, you’re worried you’re not worth it?” He shook his head. “The thing is, I married my ex-wife because I had to. I loved her, but never like this. With you, there’s every reason to stay away and only one reason I can’t do that—because I love you too damn much to let go.”
I closed my eyes, not even caring that I squeezed a couple of tears free.
“I mean it.” He let go of my hand, and then I was in his arms, feeling like I couldn’t breathe but also that I could finally breathe as I leaned into him. Stroking my hair, he whispered, “I don’t know why anyone would ever make you think you’re not worth the effort.” He kissed my cheek. “Because I would keep doing this discreetly for a hell of a lot longer than a year a half if that’s what it took to be with you.”
“Fuck,” I breathed. “Connor…”
“If you don’t want this,” he went on, still holding me tight, “then say the word, and I’ll back off. I won’t?—”
“I do want you. I…” I drew back a little, and when he released me, I met his eyes. “I’ve never been in love before. But my God, I am now.”
His eyebrows rose. “You are?”
I nodded as I tried to collect my emotions. “Maybe that’s what scares me so bad. Being this… I don’t know, feeling this much for someone—it’s terrifying.”
“Yeah, it is. But it isn’t like we have to lock anything down or make any commitments.” He caressed my cheek. “All I want is to be with you. The rest can shake out over time.”
“That’s all I want too.” I ran my fingers through his hair, my emotions threatening to break just from my own simple, affectionate gesture. “I love you, Connor.”
His smile almost brought me to my damn knees. “I love you, too.”
Then he drew me in and…
And…
Oh, my God.
I’d kissed plenty of men in my life. I’d always loved kissing. It was sexy as hell. Sometimes making out was even better than sex; what wasn’t to love about it?
But never—not once—had the touch of a man’s lips brought me home.
Holding Connor close, losing myself in that perfect, familiar kiss, I couldn’t begin to name all the emotions crashing through me. I wanted to cry just as much as I wanted to drop to my knees and make him come right here on this terrace. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to pull him into a crushing hug and just let myself feel all of these amazing and excruciating and perfect and confusing things all at once.
How was any of this real? How was it that the man I’d fallen for… had also fallen for me? Men didn’t fall for me. They didn’t hold me like this. They didn’t fight for me. They sure as hell didn’t kiss me like the taste of my mouth was everything they wanted in the world.
But Connor… did.
He had every reason not to, but here he was, telling me with his deep, gentle kiss everything he’d already spoken out loud. Assuring me that every word of it had been the God’s honest truth.
Connor loved me.
It didn’t matter how or why—he did.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “For freaking out and?—”
“Don’t be.” He cupped my chin and pressed a short, sweet kiss to my lips. “I know why you balked. I’m not angry. I just want to be with you.”
My eyes stung. How the hell had I ever believed this man didn’t feel something for me? “That’s all I want too. It just blows my mind that you think I’m worth it.”
“Alex. My God.” He kissed me again, letting it linger for a moment. “You’re worth that and then some.”
Fuck. He was going to make me cry for real.
I curved my hand behind his neck and tried like hell to kiss him like he’d kissed me—deeply, passionately, conveying all the love I’d never imagined feeling or deserving.
When we came up for air, he was as breathless as I was, so maybe I’d succeeded.
Panting as he touched his forehead to mine, he asked, “Any chance you want to move this into the bedroom?”
The arousal that zinged through me was intense, but it was the elation and relief that almost brought me to my knees. “Any chance you want to do more than sleep when we get there?”
Connor’s grin melted my spine.
And his kiss was yes, yes, fuck yes.