25. Bliss
Bliss
I wake up the next morning with a hard band wrapped around me holding me tight against my personal heater.
Zane.
He’s holding me tight against his chest. I don’t want to move, but I can hear my alarm going off in my room, so I slowly lift his arm and slip out of bed. He keeps breathing deeply and I sneak out of his room and toward my bedroom.
I shut off the alarm and stand in my empty room, debating about what I should do.
What I want to do, is go climb back into bed with Zane and snuggle.
But I know this is my chance to tell him how I feel, and I want to make it right.
Last night wasn’t the right time. Not with Alexa’s surprise visit. He needed time to process that. And then there was the after Alexa’s visit…
I can’t keep it a secret anymore. I need to tell him I love him. Surely he won’t be surprised?
So I head to the kitchen and make a big breakfast. I should wait for Zane to wake up on his own. But I’m not that patient. Not when I’m dying to know what Zane will say back. My heart hasn’t beaten normally since yesterday afternoon.
I have to take the risk. I have to be the one to tell him. With deliberately loud banging, I wash some of the dishes I used to make breakfast.
It isn’t long before Zane stumbles out of the bedroom.
He’s wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and nothing else.
His hair is pointing in all different directions and he looks like he could happily go back to bed.
“What is that amazing smell?” he grumbles as he walks into the kitchen.
He stops next to me, presses a kiss to the top of my head, then sneaks a bite of bacon from the stove. “Hmm, good.”
He stomps toward the coffeepot and pours himself a cup. “You made a big breakfast.” He gives me a cheeky grin and a wink.
But I’m too nervous to tease him back.
I finish adding a few biscuits to the plate and pass it to him, my hand shaking a little as I do.
“Hmm. Bacon, biscuits, and an omelet. This looks so good. Thanks, Bliss.”
He pulls out a bar stool and sits down to eat.
I feel his eyes on me as I gather the rest of the dishes and add them to the sink.
Glancing over my shoulder, I see Zane making quick work of the breakfast. His mouth is full of biscuit, so I wait a moment before I try speaking.
I turn back to the sink and scrub away at the dishes.
Maybe I shouldn’t spring an ‘I love you’ on someone who isn’t quite awake. But I can’t hold it in anymore.
“What’s the occasion?” Zane asks as he sets his plate down in the sink when he’s finished.
Tossing the rag in the sink, I turn to face him. We’re only a few inches apart as I stare up at him. “I love you.”
There. I said it. It’s all out in the open. No more hiding. I. Love. Zane.
Zane’s jaw drops a little, but then it snaps closed, and he steps toward me, erasing the small distance between us. He presses a gentle kiss to the top of my head. “You’re so good to me.”
Then he walks out of the kitchen and down the hallway.
He walked away.
I’m flabbergasted. In all of the different scenarios I had imagined, I had never once thought of this.
I thought maybe he would tell me he didn’t feel the same way. The other possibility was that he would tell me he loves me, too. I also imagined him demanding a divorce immediately. But I never thought he would calmly walk out of the room.
Less than ten minutes after me telling him ‘I love you’, he’s pulling out of the driveway as though I released the hounds of hell on him.
Safe to say he doesn’t love me back.
Ignoring the mess in the kitchen, I walk slowly into the living room and melt into the rug.
I lie in the middle of the living room floor for an hour after Zane left. My heart is in pieces on the kitchen floor. I’ve tried to think of a practical way to put it back together. Not a single solution comes to mind.
There’s only one person I can call.
Staying on the floor, I reach up to the coffee table and flop my hand around, looking for my phone. I finally latch on to it and make a phone call.
“Hello? Are you calling to see if I’ve had the baby yet?
If you are, I’ll tell you the same thing I told the other forty people who have asked me.
The baby will come when the baby wants to!
” Briar exclaims in a breathless rush. “Just because it’s the due date week…
this baby could still stay in here another ten days! ”
I hiccup. “That wasn’t why I was calling. But I’m glad to hear you’re having such a lovely pregnancy experience …”
“Oh. Okay. Well, in that case … how are you? It’s nice to hear your voice.” Briar’s tone is back to her regular pitch.
“I’m okay.” I squeak out, trying to hold back the floodgate of tears right behind my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she asks immediately. “I’m okay is code for something horrible.”
“It’s fine, really. I’m fi—” My voice cracks on the last word.
Soon, I’m telling my oldest sister everything.
Why I got married. How Zane proposed. When I fell madly in love with my own husband.
She gets to hear the entire sordid ordeal.
I’m lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. I’d hoped talking to my sister would’ve given me clarity. But instead, I’m just sad. It did give me enough gumption to climb off the floor and onto the couch, though.
But now I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how long I can stay here in this house without my heart breaking a little bit every day with the realization that I love my husband, but he’ll never love me back.
The front door opens, and I jerk the blanket over my head. Hopefully, Zane won’t ask too many questions and will believe my excuse that it’s that time of the month. Because I can’t face him.
If he says anything, I’m going to yell, “Cramps!”
There are footsteps, and then a hand grabs the blanket and rips it off me.
Definitely not Zane.
It’s my mother.
I swallow the lump in my throat as I stare up at her. “Mom? What are you doing here?”
She narrows her eyes on me. “Did you marry Zane because you didn’t feel safe and welcome in my home?”
I’ll never speak to Briar again. At least not for a whole week. She had to have immediately hung up the phone and called Mom.
There’s no use lying to Mom. She’ll know. I nod once.
“And now you’re heartbroken because you love Zane, but he doesn’t love you?” She plants her hands on her hips and glares down at me.
I nod twice.
She bends down and grabs my shoulders, pulling me up enough to sit down beside me. She’s strong—I come by my leanness and meanness legitimately.
And then she pulls me into a hug. I didn’t realize just how much I needed my mom’s hug. It’s been a long time since she’s acted like a mom. I think she’s forgotten that adult daughters need their mothers just as much as young daughters.
I break down crying on her shoulder while she lies and tells me it’s going to be okay. I’m not sure how long we sit there, but when I finally sit up and swipe at my eyes, I can see that Mom has been crying too.
“Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have been pressuring you. This is my fault.”
I shake my head. “I made my choices.”
“But I pushed you into that position. You’d better believe Briar chewed me out just now when she found out you were uncomfortable with all the men I’d had around the house.
I’m so sorry. You should have felt safe and loved in our home.
Here I’ve been so desperate for grandchildren that I haven’t done the most important thing. ”
“What’s that?” I ask in a whisper.
“Be a good mother.” She presses a kiss to the top of my head. “We’re packing your bags, and you’re coming home. No more pressure from me. Nothing. You are safe and welcome in there even if you’re single at seventy.”
“But I’m married to Zane.”
She sighs. “I like Zane. I was so excited when you two started dating. But I’m not going to sit by and watch your spirit wither away. If you decide to stay with Zane, it’s going to be because the two of you love each other and are committed to this marriage.”
Sometimes, my mom’s bluntness can be refreshing. Because it’s the obvious answer. I can’t think straight in close proximity to Zane.
“You’re right. I need to get out of here for a while and clear my head.”
Mom smiles. “You should take a trip. Do something fun.” She stands up abruptly and pulls me up with her. “I have one word for you.”
I clutch her hands like the lifeline they are. “What is it?”
“Hawaii.”
The sound I make is a cross between a laugh and a sob.
“You go. You need some time to think. Heal. And know that you can always come home to your father and me.” Mom pulls me in for another big hug. “I’ll take care of your animals while you’re gone. Even those pesky goats.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I love you more.”