Chapter 69
LAVENIA
Before I opened my eyes, I knew everything had changed. For better or worse, I was far different than before killing Estri. I could feel everything. The current, the weight of my body, the presence of everyone near me. Mairin’s body was instantly recognizable even in my semi-conscious state. The curves of her, the curls of her hair, every divot and dimple, took up a finite amount of space in my vicinity. Even without vision, I could see her in my mind. Wavy, like being able to see the sun’s heat above scorching cobblestone. Foxglove darted around her tail, moving fast and furious like a hummingbird. I could feel her heartbeat in my throat, thrumming and frantic.
It was too much, far too fast. The sway of the seaweed outside Estri’s chambers tickled my senses. The bubbles escaping from Old Telemern’s mouth—far, far, away—echoed in my ears.
“What’s happening to me?” I asked, words slurring. But I knew. Horrifying suspicion tore up my chest, and I began to thrash.
“I don’t know,” Mairin said. “I think...I think you’re?—”
“No. Don’t,” I said. Finally, I opened my eyes, and I couldn’t speak. No longer had my vision devolved into shades of grey, but instead, I found colors I’d never seen before. And I could see heat. Where Mairin’s heart pumped through her chest, I found a vibrant light, pulsating with each movement. The tip of her tail was dull, cold in comparison. And there was a glow to her, like shining silver which outlined her form.
Foxglove was almost entirely made of that vibrant light, with a bright pink halo around her. I reached a fingertip toward the seahorse and instantly regretted the motion. Rolling onto my side, I nearly vomited from my new senses. And that was when the noise began. How I’d managed to ignore it until now, I didn’t know, but everything was so loud. Groaning and squawking and voices and cries plagued me.
“Oh, gods,” I pleaded, “make it stop.”
The sounds only grew louder, and my voice echoed in a loop within my own mind. Mairin caressed my forehead and situated her body beneath mine, pulling my head into her lap. If my body could have caught fire, I thought it might have. Everything was too much. Too loud, too suffocating, too thorough.
Praise the gods, she has freed me. I can shift.
I didn’t recognize the voices overlapping in my mind. Some were quiet, and some were loud. But they were all desperate.
“I can’t stop it, love,” Mairin whispered. “It’s her magick. I think it’s...I think you…”
Her divinity—not magick, as everyone had believed.
“It burns,” I cried, unable to move, unable to think. If I stopped breathing, it would have been a gift.
“You can stop it. You can master it.” Mairin continued caressing me, leaning down over me. Her curls were cold, their new color dull to my eyes, but it was that dark red once more. It was familiar. I could see her as I had before. Without color, without my proper sight, I’d been heartbroken to look at her. Now, though, with more color than I could understand, she was the most beautiful person I’d ever laid my eyes upon. But she had betrayed me, and I didn’t think I could ever forgive her for it.
Not that it mattered, because I was going to die here, I was sure of it.
“Kill me,” I begged Mairin. “Please. There is no point if this is all there is.”
“You’re too strong to plead for mercy. You are the one who created this. Undo it,” Mairin snapped. “You’re the only one with the power...You are... You’re a…” Mairin hesitated, and my eyes sought out her trembling lips. I knew. Sour in my stomach and heavy on my heart, the knowledge of what she’d been about to say nearly drowned me.
“Did you know?” I gasped, lifting my hands to my ears. I had to drown out all the noise or my head was going to explode. “Did you know what she was?”
“No. I should have known, but I...No. I didn’t.”
Screwing my eyes tightly shut, I still couldn’t escape the mass influx of information. I didn’t want to see the outline of Mairin’s shape. I didn’t want to sense Foxglove swimming toward my cheek. I didn’t want to know her intentions before the comfort of her tiny body pressed against my face.
“I don’t think I can endure this,” I said. Whatever was happening to me wasn’t survivable. My body didn’t have the capacity to contain all of the divine power which flowed out of Estri’s body. Certainly, I would die before long. If there was any justice in the world, I wouldn’t be made to suffer with this all-encompassing pressure.
Please, gods, don’t let her die.
My chest went tight when I heard Foxglove’s pleas. Her voice, so quiet in my mind, yet full of sorrow, pulled on something deep within my chest. Her prayers were private, and I shouldn’t have been able to hear them. It wasn’t right. None of this was right.
I can’t live without her. Please.
Mairin offering her silent entreaty to the gods was more than enough to wreck any sanity I might have had within me. Quiet desperation clawed at her words, and I knew when she began to cry. Against my will, I could see the warm drops separate from her body and cool within the water.
“I don’t want this,” I said, and I didn’t know who I was talking to. I hadn’t wanted a crown, let alone this. Whatever I’d done to be a recipient of such punishment, I wished to repent for. Would there be any undoing of what I’d wrought in killing Estri?
“You are the only one who can force it to do your bidding,” Mairin said, voice wavering despite her attempt at calm indifference. “It’s your power now, Ven.” Though soft, her words cut like a knife.
But she was right. It was my power. With a desperate heart and god-touched artifacts, I had killed the Sea Queen.
As I reached for it, diving deep as I once had to use my own divinity, I found the source of my gifts deep inside my mind. Burning black and hot, the ball of light was nearly blinding—but I reached for it nonetheless. As I began to mold it to my will, shutting out the commotion and the noise, the pressure and the burden, I grew hopeful.
I had never wanted to rule. Rainier’s crown was far too burdensome, and the throne’s bloody history had seemed insurmountable. But he had never feared his role. He’d been confident in his own character, his own ability to foster change, and hadn’t balked at the opportunity. It was a duty he welcomed.
The Sea Queen’s power was a responsibility I’d inherited. With it, I could do horrific things. But my tender heart and compassion couldn’t allow that. With Estri’s divinity in my hands, there was untold possibility. Peace could not only be brought to the Three Kingdoms, but alliances with the seaborn and forestborn could be made.
One by one, I pulled the tangled black vines from the orb of power, and each of Estri’s restrictions on the seaborn lifted. As I ran my mind over each branch, each thorn, I could feel the corruption pulsating within. I pried each cruel threat she’d made from the orb of power by my own will.
The seaborn were free because of me. Estri’s divinity ebbed and flowed through my body, mending every wound and smoothing over every imperfection. When it finished, the orb of power shrank and dimmed and nestled into the base of my skull. It almost seemed...relieved.
In the back of my mind, Estri’s divinity created a home. In the back of my mind, her divinity became mine .