Chapter Eleven
CHAPTER ELEVEN
LENNON
I’m living in my own personal hell, a nightmare I can’t seem to wake from. Shock and anxiety have become my best friends and never leave my side. They’re determined to swallow me whole and smother me until I’m no longer here. One moment, I’m okay. The next, I’m so lost and broken I feel as if I’m dying from the inside out. My heart hurts, and heaviness weighs on me while I drown in emptiness. No one understands this from my perspective. How could they?
I’ve cried myself to sleep the past two nights at the reality I’ll never see him again. I try to remember his voice and think about how he’d make sure to tell me good night before we went to bed. The past few mornings have been the worst, though, because I dream of him and wake up to a new day without him in it. The smell of Brandon is already fading, and though it’s only been two days since the accident, I already feel as if he’s slipping through my fingers. The thought of my love becoming nothing more than a memory causes tears to well on the edge of my lids. I’m surprised I have anything left.
The last conversation I had with him plays on repeat in my mind. One of the last things he said before driving away was how much he loved me. Every chance he had, he told me how much I meant to him, and I wish I could see him or kiss him or hold him again. Just one more time.
I sit up on the couch, careful not to step on Hunter. He hasn’t left my side because I can’t find the courage to sleep in my bed.
Brandon and I were supposed to get married, have kids, and grow old together. We were going to have a million grandchildren and spoil them rotten. We dreamed big, and it always included each other. I believed with every fiber of my being that he was the man I’d be with for the rest of my life. This was supposed to be the beautiful beginning of our love story, not the fucking end. Not the end.
But it is the end…
I gasp and feel as if I can’t breathe as the weight of it all comes pounding down again.
Tears threaten to pour out, but this time, they’re accompanied by anger. I force myself to stand, walk around Hunter’s body, then go to the bathroom. My movements are robotic as if I’m on autopilot because essentially, I am. I eat and breathe because I have to, not because I want to. The hollow shell of me goes through the motions of living, but I don’t know how I’ll ever move on from this.
The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that my kids at school need me. I hold on to that like a life jacket, and right now, it’s saving me from drowning.
I turn on the light and look in the mirror at a zombie version of myself, with puffy eyes and a red nose. I’m in a constant state of sadness, but somehow, I force myself in the shower. I turn on the water as hot as it’ll go, hoping it will steal the place of the constant pain inside my heart, but it’s no use. For the first time in my life, I shower in silence. I lean against the wall and allow the stream to fall over me, to snap me out of this, but it’s no use.
The water goes cold, the only indicator I’ve been in here long enough, and I step out of the shower and dry off. I put on a dress and some flats, an outfit I’ve worn for class a half dozen times. After I blow-dry my hair, I pin it back so I look somewhat put together. Though I try, no amount of concealer will cover the dark circles under my eyes or the redness on my face, so I give up.
Walking into the kitchen, I find Brandon’s mug on the counter and then tears flood my eyes. Grief is a bitch and slaps me in the face as the memories of us drinking coffee together flood in.
I try to hold back my emotions as best as I can so Hunter doesn’t hear me. Ironic considering he’s heard me crying the past two days. He’s the only person who understands the loss I’m feeling. My sisters came over to comfort me, but I had nothing to say, so we sat in awkward silence. No words can describe how broken and lost I am. I’m unrepairable.
A soft hand lands on my shoulder, and I jump. Turning around, I wipe the tears from my cheeks and try to dry them up, though it’s no use.
“Lennon,” Hunter says softly. “I don’t think you’re ready to go back to work already. You need time to heal, to process everything. I’m sure the school would understand considering what happened.” He looks like he didn’t get any sleep either. It’s been a rough two days for us both. I can tell he’s emotionally angry too, but he’s better at hiding it than I am. Instead of crying like me, he holds it all in, but if he doesn’t release it soon, he’s eventually going to snap.
“I know…” my voice cracks and when tears fall, I wipe them away again. “But my students need me. The concert is on Friday, and they’ve worked so hard for this. Only three more days and then I’ll be on spring break and can process it all.”
I can tell he’s choosing his words carefully by the way he stares at me. “I understand, but just know that no one would blame you if you changed your mind. If you show up and feel as if you can’t do it, it’s okay to admit it.”
I don’t know how long Hunter plans to take off work, but I know he’s meeting with Brandon’s parents today to help with the funeral arrangements. Part of me is glad I won’t be there because I wouldn’t be any help, but I’m also appreciative that he’s being strong and doing this so Brandon’s parents don’t have to do it alone.
Nodding, I feel numb but am grateful I have this concert to keep me moving forward. I don’t feel like singing and pretending to be happy, but I will for my students. Grabbing my bag and keys, I head to work, hoping I can make it through the next three days without breaking down in front of the entire school. I have to be strong for them or at least try to be.
The school concert goes off without a hitch. It was the perfect distraction, and the kids sang their little hearts out. Many of them asked what was wrong because when they’d sing, I’d cry. While I didn’t want to lie, it was easier to say someone I cared about passed away and explain how proud I was of them. So damn proud.
After the performance, Principal Orson congratulated me for a job well done and gave her condolences. I think she knew I was in a fragile state of mind and left it at that, though I’ve heard the whispers about me being at work so grief stricken. For the most part, everyone was extremely understanding or at least acted like they were. But now it’s Sunday, a day I’ve been dreading for the past week because today’s the day I’ll put my love to rest.
Some people say funerals give closure to the soul, but to me, it only makes it real that Brandon’s never coming back. I wear the same black dress as on our Valentine’s Day date, and I don’t know how I’ll ever put it on again after this. Once I’m ready, I suck in a deep breath and sit on the couch, wishing I could sink inside the cushions and disappear.
Hunter walks into the living room, dressed in a sleek black suit. “Do you want to ride with me?”
I hear him talking, but I’m too lost in my head, thinking about this funeral and what it means once it’s over.
He walks farther into the room and kneels in front of me so we’re eye level. “Lennon. Do you want to ride with me?”
Blinking, I look at him, meeting his gaze. “Sure.”
“We should probably get going then,” he says, standing, then walks away. But I don’t know if I’m ready. I stand, and I lose the control I thought I had.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. I try to stop crying but can’t seem to find the faucet to turn off the tears.
Hunter takes a few steps forward but maintains some distance between us. “Hey, hey. Don’t be sorry.”
I feel stupid each time I burst into tears around him. I know he doesn’t like me, and he’s only being nice because I’m so emotional right now. As difficult and impossible as it seems, I’ll eventually have to find my own place and try to move on with my life.
I inhale a deep breath and wipe my face.
“Ready?” Hunter lifts his eyebrows and gives me a small smile. The truth is, I don’t know if I can do this, but I know I have to.
I grab my phone and tuck it into my clutch, then follow Hunter outside. He walks beside me, and neither of us speaks. We get into the truck and drive across town to the church Brandon grew up attending. After we park, Hunter turns off the engine, and we sit and stare at the double doors that lead inside. His breathing increases and tears well on the edges of his eyes, but they don’t fall.
“I always imagined this’d be the place we’d get married,” I say aloud, but more so to myself.
Hunter stills, and a ragged breath escapes him.
“We should probably go inside.” He finally speaks after the silence awkwardly draws on too long.
I nod, get out of the truck, and force myself to walk across the parking lot and up the stairs. As soon as I enter, the scent of fresh flowers hits my nose, making me nauseous. The smell of roses used to bring me so much joy, and now the sweet smell seems so pungent. I look inside the chapel and see the black casket sitting at the front. My feet feel as if they’re glued to the floor, and as much as I want to move, I can’t.
Liam and Mason walk up and give Hunter a hug, then give me one too.
“I’m so sorry, Lennon,” Mason offers. “If you need anything…”
I wipe tears from my cheeks, and Liam hands me a handful of tissues. “You might need these.”
I let out a choked laugh, then look at Hunter as Liam and Mason walk back inside.
“I can’t do this,” I tell him. It’s wrong. This all feels so wrong.
His eyes soften, and he gently places his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll go in together, okay?” His words are comforting as he takes my hand.
I tuck my lips inside my mouth and look up at the ceiling, trying to find what little strength I have left. Water fills my eyes, and I can barely see as I walk through the entrance and down the aisle. It’s all too much, and I want it to be over right now so I can be alone.
“We don’t have to go up there if you don’t want,” Hunter tells me. I know I’m expected to, though I’m not sure I can keep it together long enough to do that.
A slideshow plays on the big screen with the saddest fucking music I’ve ever heard, and when pictures appear of me and Brandon together, I turn into a complete mess. Instead of walking, I sit as quickly as I can and let it all out, not caring who sees me.
Soon someone sits next to me and wraps their arms around me, and when I look up, it’s Brandon’s mother, Mrs. Locke.
“Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry.”
I hold her tighter, and when I finally pull away, I apologize when I notice my tears have spilled onto the shoulder of her dress. She waves it off and studies me, asking with her eyes if I’m okay, though we all know the answer to that one.
I sniff and wipe my nose with the tissue Liam gave me. “I don’t know how I’m going to go on without him, Mrs. Locke.”
She rubs her hand against my back and gives me a small smile. “You’ll have to do it the same way I am—one minute, one hour, one day at a time—and continue to live the life Brandon would want you to live. He loved you so much, Lennon, and above anything, he’d want you to be happy.”
I open my mouth, but no words come out, just a ragged sob.
Hunter gives Brandon’s mom a side hug, then sits next to me, but he doesn’t say anything. Eventually, people come up to speak to Brandon’s mother, and she gives me one last hug and walks away. I stare at the slideshow, seeing all the photos of Brandon as a kid, pictures of him and Hunter, Liam, and Mason, and us when we first started dating. As soon as it ends, it repeats itself, and I watch it five more times before I feel like I can breathe again.
“I’m ready,” I tell Hunter, then stand.
My shoes are made of concrete as I walk forward. Brandon’s dad stands by the casket and speaks to people after they pay their respects. When I realize I’m next, my heart races and pounds so hard in my chest, it echoes in my ears. I step forward, but when I see Brandon lying there, I lose my fucking mind.
For the last week, I tried to imagine this moment. I imagined what it would be like to see his lifeless body, and as I look at him, it’s not how I thought it would be.
Makeup on his face covers the bruises and gashes from the helmet, but I can still see it all. I overheard Hunter talking to the guys about how much blood was at the scene, and thinking about it makes my stomach turn. This is not him. That’s not the love of my life. My heart aches, not understanding why such a good person was ripped away from me.
All I can hope is that he didn’t feel any pain, but after seeing how broken he is, I’m not so sure. I hate knowing he was alone when he died. My body begins to tremble and shake, and Hunter places his hand around my shoulders and squeezes, bringing me against his body for comfort. If I could crawl inside and be buried with Brandon, I would.
For the first time in my life, I truly understand how Romeo and Juliet felt, not wanting to live without the other. And if I’d joined him on that ride, who knows what my own fate would’ve been or if any of this would’ve happened at all. As I kiss my fingertips and place them on his lips, the lips I’ve kissed for the past two years, I know I’ll never be the same. At least we had that, but whoever said it’s better to have loved and lost is fucking wrong.
“I love you, Brandon. I love you so much. Save a place for me up there, baby,” I whisper, thinking how unfair this all is. I’m suffocating as I somehow break away from him, knowing it’s the last time I’ll ever see him.
Brandon’s dad says something while he gives me a hug, but I don’t retain any of the words.
As I walk back to my seat, Hunter isn’t behind me, and when I turn around, he’s still at the casket with tears falling down his cheeks. It’s the first time I’ve seen him break down since we found out, and I realize how much it’s destroying him too. He’s been putting on a brave face, but right now, he’s releasing it. We’re two broken people who will have to somehow find a new normal, though I’m not sure one exists. Mason and Liam join him, and they stand there together, saying goodbye to their best friend.
As I watch them, a voice behind me grabs my attention and I see Maddie and Sophie walking toward me. They pull me into their arms, and I’m so grateful my sisters are here. My parents wanted to come, but Dad had to speak at a funeral service for a longtime member of the church, so I told them it was fine and meant it. My sisters tell me how much they love me and are here for me, and I don’t ever want to let them go.
Maddie grabs my hand, and we go to a pew close to the front. They sit on each side of me and hold me tight. Being in this room makes me want to jump out of my skin.
Soon the service starts, and it becomes a blur as the pastor officiates. It’s a beautiful service, but I can barely focus on anything that’s said.
Brandon’s mother allows me to stay with the family to say my last goodbyes, but I hardly remember it because shock takes over.
Hunter, Liam, and Mason, along with Brandon’s cousins and childhood friends, were asked to be pallbearers. They lift the casket and carry it to the hearse.
Brandon’s mother asks me to ride in the limo with them to the gravesite, so I do. During the drive over, I stare out the window, trying to process everything. The car eventually slows, and I get out, following behind Brandon’s family. They carry him to the tent set up by the burial site, and I somehow walk toward it.
It’s funny because at this moment, I notice the clouds moving across the bright blue sky and how time keeps ticking, regardless if my world has stopped. Stepping under the tent, I hear sobs escape from Brandon’s mother, and I worry I'm going to faint, so I find an empty chair to quickly sit on.
The pastor says a few words as I stare at the shiny black box in front of me. Memories of us together flood in, and for a moment, I hear his voice in my head, telling me it’s going to be okay. The minutes feel like hours, and then within a blink, it’s all over, and everyone walks away.
I take a single rose from the flower arrangement draped over the casket before they lower it into the ground. A scoop of dirt lands on top of the box and then another until my Brandon is fully covered. Then, just like that, it’s over, and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart alone.
Maddie and Sophie say their goodbyes. I hug Brandon’s family and walk to Hunter’s truck. We drive back to the apartment in silence and once we arrive, I numbly walk in and sit on the couch in a daze.
As I stare at the blank TV screen, I realize this is what true loneliness feels like. And I think it might be here to stay.