Chapter Nineteen
CHAPTER NINETEEN
LENNON
Soft lips trace my jawline, and I pant as he memorizes every inch of my body. At this moment, I need him like I need air, and I beg for him to take me, to fuck me, to make me his, because I am. Always have been. My breathing increases as lips slide down to my nipple, then feather kisses across my swollen stomach. As he hovers above me, I spread my legs apart, wanting him to claim me. He stops for a moment, leans back, then removes his shirt. When I look up to meet his gaze, my eyes widen in shock when I don’t see Brandon.
I see Hunter.
“Hunter?” The sound of my own voice wakes me. I sit up in bed and freak the fuck out when I realize he’s lying next to me. I squeeze my legs together, feeling the need and want take over. My body practically begs for him, and I’m so damn confused that I don’t know what to do. I’m blaming it all on hormones, all of it, because it’s the only explanation for what I’m feeling.
“Huh?” he mutters, blinking awake and leaning up on his elbow. He finally looks around with wide eyes, realizing he’s in my bed. “Oh fuck.”
I swallow, studying his face, the same face that ripped me from sleep as he rushes out of the room. I’m so damn flustered and worked up and, more than anything, sexually frustrated. Why the hell would I be having dreams like this about Hunter?
Guilt courses through me as I think about Brandon, and it feels like I cheated on him. I’d never do that. Hunter and I have grown close, so I know it’s my subconscious playing tricks on me. I close my eyes tight, pushing every single thought in my head away, and blame it all on the pregnancy. That’s what’s causing this, right?
My bladder is about to burst, so I hurry to the bathroom. Once I’ve taken care of business and brushed my teeth, I head to the kitchen where Hunter moves around quickly as he makes breakfast, shirtless. I look at the tattoos on his arm and can’t stop staring at his biceps and how they flex as he cracks eggs into a pan.
“Hungry?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder with a shit-eating smirk.
He has no idea what I’m hungry for, but I keep it to myself. Bastard knows exactly what he looks like half-naked, which is fucking ridiculous. I’ve seen him without a shirt before, and each time, it takes my breath away, though I’ve never admitted that before.
“Starving,” I say, leaning against the doorframe to watch him. Randomly, he peeks over and shoots me a grin. As soon as the coffee maker beeps, he pours himself a cup. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped drinking caffeine, and it might end up being the death of me.
“I’ve got about fifteen minutes before I have to leave,” he tells me as he slides some sausage and eggs on two plates. “You okay?”
Dammit, I’m gawking. “Uh, yeah. Just wish I could drink some of that delicious coffee.”
“Why? You mostly have creamer in yours anyway,” he teases, and I’m tempted to smack that grin off his face.
I force myself to walk away and go to the table to eat.
“I read in a pregnancy article that women are allowed to have up to twelve ounces of coffee a day without it affecting the baby.”
The hand that’s holding my fork freezes midair, shocked at his words. “What?” I ask as Hunter practically inhales his food. “You’re reading pregnancy articles now?” I can’t hide the amusement in my tone and smile wide at his admission.
He shrugs it off as if it’s no big deal. “Well, I came across one or two. But anyway, it said it was perfectly safe for the baby as long as you limit your intake.”
“Hmm…” I chew on my lower lip. “Sounds like torture, though. Coffee is like a can of Pringles. I can’t stop at one.”
Hunter laughs and continues filling his mouth with forkfuls of food. Even though he’s always been like this, it still makes me chuckle.
Awkward silence lingers between us while I slowly eat my plateful. Memories of last night unfold, and embarrassment seeps in.
I told him I needed to be held. I was so fucking lonely that I needed to feel the warmth of someone else, even if we’re just friends. I was too lost in my head missing Brandon, which usually happens while I’m in bed. In the darkness, my thoughts speak loudly, and nothing stops my emotions from boiling over. Sometimes I’m able to cry myself to sleep, but it wasn’t working because my emotions about the baby took over. Hunter, being as caring as he has been since the accident, checked on me. I’m sure it was the last thing he thought I’d say, and though he probably didn’t want to hold me like that, he did. Once again, I owe him so much.
Being alone and being lonely are two different things, I’ve quickly learned.
Hunter finally looks up from his plate and gazes at me. “I’m sorry about last night. I was so tired when I came in and ended up falling asleep. Good thing you woke up because I didn’t set the alarm,” he admits with a nervous chuckle. It explains his reaction this morning at least. The corners of his mouth turn up into a boyish grin, and I can’t stop looking at him.
“It’s okay,” I say. He doesn’t have anything to apologize for, but I can’t find the right words. Thank you? Sorry I’m such an emotional disaster? Hope I didn’t fart in my sleep? Oh God .
He must notice how awkward I’m being right now because he furrows his brows and studies me. The sex dream replays in my head, and thinking about it has my heart racing and my face flushing.
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” he asks, cleaning his plate. “You’re being weird. Your cheeks look all hot.” He probably thinks I’m about to throw up everything he made me, but no worries, I’m just confused as hell about my own body’s reactions. I want to roll my eyes at myself for being so stupid.
Instead, I let out a forced laugh. “I’m fine. Just pregnancy hormones getting to me. That’s all it is.”
At least that’s what I tell myself. Yep.
Hunter shoots me a weary grin and stands, taking his plate to the kitchen before heading down the hallway.
Exhaling a relieved breath, I finish my sausage and eggs, and as I’m walking to the kitchen, he steps out wearing nice slacks and a polo that hugs his body in all the right places. My eyes meet his, and I quickly look away as heat rushes through me. I place my plate in the sink and lean on the counter, trying to get ahold of my emotions.
Hunter steps inside the kitchen, slowly walking past me to grab his to-go mug and fill it with coffee. The smell of it has me shooting daggers at him. Hunter laughs to himself, and I groan.
“You’re scary as fuck without caffeine.” He holds back a grin, but I notice it anyway as he snaps the top on his cup. “This is me walking on thin ice,” he taunts, tiptoeing out of the kitchen. “If you need anything, lemme know.”
“You know I will,” I call out loud enough for him to hear.
His laughter echoes through the apartment before the front door clicks closed, and I let out a deep breath.
What the hell? I was gawking like a love-sick teenager all because of that stupid dream.
The clock on the microwave shows it’s past eight. Though I slept like heaven last night with Hunter curled next to me, I’m still exhausted, so I catch up on more sleep, hoping to stay far away from fantasyland.
Hours pass, and I’m woken when my phone rings. I grab it off the nightstand and Sophie’s name flashes across the screen.
“Hungry?” she asks as soon as I mutter hello and hear the smile in her voice.
“What time is it?” My internal clock is off, and I already know I’m gonna have a hell of a time getting back on schedule when school starts again.
“It’s almost noon. Did you already eat?”
“I haven’t eaten since breakfast.” My eyes fly open, and I can’t believe I slept half the day away.
“I’m coming to pick you up. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” She hangs up without allowing me to say another word.
Shit . I need to get up and make myself presentable. After my feet are on the ground, I look around the room and think about what needs to be done before the baby’s arrival, but it’s all so overwhelming. I throw on a sundress and slip on my sandals. Once I’m in the bathroom, I put my hair in some sort of messy topknot and decide to go with it. Right on time, I hear a knock and rush to the door to open it.
Stepping aside to allow her in, she shakes her head. “Go grab your purse. I’m seriously hangry right now.”
I laugh at her, knowing how she gets when she doesn’t eat, so I grab my things and follow her outside.
“I seriously couldn’t get out of my apartment quick enough. Carter’s a fucking terror, Lennon. I feel like I’m losing my goddamn mind,” she says, driving through traffic.
I sympathize with her, knowing what she’s going through.
“All you can do is ignore him or move out. There aren’t many options. But I understand and feel for you.” I offer her a smile and notice how tight she’s gripping the steering wheel as we pull into the parking lot of the sandwich shop.
She lets out an angry huff before we get out of the car and walk inside. We place our orders and grab our drinks, then sit at a table by the windows while we wait for our food.
Sophie is fuming, and as soon as we settle into our spot, she starts going off. “Carter is so oblivious. I went into the bathroom this morning, saw a giant-ass turd in the toilet, and I nearly threw up. Who the hell takes a shit and doesn’t flush? We’re adults!”
I try to hold back my laughter, but it escapes me before I can stop it. “Seriously? Oh my God, that’s disgusting!”
“I know! I’ll spare you the nasty details. Not to mention, I also caught him wearing my black dress socks the other day. They barely fit over his huge man ankles, and it nearly ate me alive seeing them on his feet. On top of the fact that he didn’t ask, they’re going to be all stretched out and smell. They can burn in hell right with him now.” She pauses, releasing a tense breath. “Oh, and the other day, an empty Coke can was left on my practice keyboard in the corner of the apartment, like it was a fucking drink coaster! Can Maria be so blinded by love that she doesn’t see how annoying her boyfriend is? He’s a damn slob and not at all like Hunter, who did it on purpose to piss you off. No…Carter is the real deal. He lives like a raccoon who sleeps in a dumpster.”
She’s pissed and frustrated, and I hate that I can’t snap my fingers and change her situation. I reach across the table and take her hand, trying to calm her down. “I’m gonna help you find another place. Just stay there until you can’t take it any longer, and we can figure something out. I’d offer for you to come live with Hunter and me, but I doubt you’d want to share a bed with me every night, and the couch sucks. Trust me, my back still hurts from sleeping on it.”
She forces a grin through the sadness on her face. “Thanks. And I know there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m half-tempted to go live with Maddie in the dorms.” She chuckles, but I know she feels defeated. “It sucks because what Maria and I had going was working out so well.”
Shrugging, I offer her a weak smile. “Things change. Nothing ever stays the same. I learned that the hard way.”
Sophie nods just as our food comes. My mouth waters in anticipation for the chicken wrap and soup I ordered. We dig in, and she practically moans as she takes a bite of her club sandwich.
“So how’s the roommate situation since finding out about the baby?” she asks nonchalantly, but I see a sparkle in her eye.
I give her a pointed look, wondering if this is a setup. “Good, I guess. Not much has changed.” Oh, except I fantasized about him. No biggie.
“You guess?”
I blow out a breath, knowing I can’t lie to her. “Last night…” I start. Sophie leans forward, waiting in anticipation for my next words, and I playfully roll my eyes. “I might’ve asked him to sleep in my bed with me.”
“Uh… might have?”
“Shut up. Not like that,” I tell her. “I was missing Brandon so much. I needed a warm body next to me.”
Her eyes soften as she gives me a pity look. The one I absolutely hate .
“And so he did.” I shrug casually.
“Of course he did,” she says as if she’s not even a bit surprised. “Hunter’s a good guy. He’d do anything you ask.”
My heart flutters at her words, but I push it away. “So I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I was completely flustered because I was in the middle of a sex dream.”
“Yeah? Was it good?” She waggles her brows.
“It was Hunter in the dream,” I confess, and she sucks in her lips, but I know she has a snarky comment. “I’m losing my mind, Soph. Why would I dream about him like that? I couldn’t stop staring this morning while he made us breakfast. Shirtless.” I release a frustrated breath, needing to knock those images out of my brain. “It seemed so damn real. And now things are awkward because it’s all I can think about.”
Sophie leans forward and speaks barely over a whisper. “Maybe you should think about getting a vibrator? Girl, your hormones are going crazy, and you’re getting zero relief. You went from consistent sex to becoming a nun,” she states, then hurriedly adds, “Obviously not by choice, but still.”
I know my face tells all my secrets as heat rushes through my body. I look around the room, but no one is paying any attention to us.
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“Oh my God.” Realization hits me. “How many of them do you have?” I ask, imagining her nightstand full of sex toys.
She twists her lips. “I can count them on two hands.”
My eyes go wide in shock. “That means more than five but less than ten. You sex kitten!”
“Hey, a single girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. And you know I’m not about those fuck boys.” She gives me a pointed look, which has me bursting into laughter. Sophie’s so damn modest, I never would’ve thought she’d be all about self-pleasure. Part of me wants to bring up Mason, but I know she’s already on edge with her new roommate situation. “Honestly, though, you’ve been around Hunter so much lately, I’m surprised I’m not having sex dreams about him. He’s hot. Big muscles, tall, looks at you as if he can see inside your soul…” She’s basically salivating at the mouth now, which makes me chuckle at her ridiculousness.
“Shut it.” I snort. “Okay, fine, maybe you’re right. I probably do need some sort of… release . Maybe then the dreams won’t return, and I can go back to looking at him like my friend instead of…” I trail off, thinking about him hovering above me, ready to claim my mouth and body.
Sophie clears her throat. “It must’ve been really good.” Pure amusement fills her tone, but this is way out of my comfort zone.
I frown. “I’d never, Soph. I couldn’t. I feel like I’ve cheated on Brandon by having that dream about Hunter. I wish it hadn’t happened, honestly. I don’t want things to change between us, but eventually, it has too, right? He’ll move on and find someone who doesn’t have baggage. And when he does, I’m sure his girlfriend wouldn’t want me hanging around him the way I am right now, or at least I wouldn’t want that if the positions were reversed. But we’ve become good friends, and I think my subconscious is playing tricks on me because I genuinely care about him.”
She finishes eating, then slides her plate away. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere, Lennon.”
“Why does everyone keep making jabs like that? We’re just friends. That’s all we’ll ever be. That’s all we can be.” I let out a ragged breath, wondering why that thought brings me sadness.
These fucking hormones.
Sophie drops it and doesn’t say another word about it. We talk about one of her students as she takes me back to my apartment. Before I get out, we exchange a hug, and I promise to call her if I need anything.
After she reverses from the parking spot, she stops and rolls down the window. “I’m ordering you a present. It’ll be on your doorstep in two days.” She shoots me a wink before driving away, and I stand there with my jaw on the ground.
It’s been a little over a month since I found out I was pregnant, and each time my parents FaceTime me, I keep it short, worried my mother will notice I’ve gained ten pounds. The thought of telling them gives me anxiety because I know what their reaction will be. Before we get off the phone, I make sure to stress how much I love them. Mainly because I’ve learned you never know when it’ll be the last time, and because I want them to know they mean a lot to me, regardless if I’m lying to them. If they decide they don’t want anything to do with me or the baby, I may never be able to say those words to them again, and that thought makes me so fucking sad.
Their last call was to confirm I’m still going for the Fourth of July holiday weekend in less than two weeks. They know I’ve been a mess since Brandon’s death and are eager to see me. I haven’t said much or confirmed if I’m going or not, but now that I’m pregnant, I need to be truthful.
I still have the plane tickets. Though I thought about canceling the trip several times, I haven’t. I’ve been thinking about how to break the news about the baby and them being grandparents. Telling them in person is the only logical, respectful choice. One ticket is still in Brandon’s name, and I kept hoping Sophie or Maddie could come with me so I didn’t have to do this alone, but their schedules won’t allow it. I’ll probably have to cancel it soon and go alone.
Checking the clock, it’s almost time for Hunter to get home, and the thought excites me. I’ve grown to miss him when he’s working because it gets lonely here.
However, Sophie and Maddie are coming over tonight, and we’re going to look through baby name books. We try to get together at least once a week, and though it can be hard with everyone’s schedule, we’ve somehow been able to make it work.
I grab the stack of books and sit on the couch. As I flip through one of them, I start thinking about my parents again and what their reaction will be. A tear slides down my cheek when the front door opens. Hunter notices, and his face contorts.
“Everything okay?” he asks, setting down his work bag that’s stuffed full. He comes over and sits beside me on the couch.
I shrug, wiping my cheeks. “I’m thinking about my parents and taking that trip to Utah during the Fourth of July. I’m so fucking scared about what they’re going to say or do.” My voice cracks. “But I know it has to be done.”
He stills as he studies me.
“I’ll go with you, Lennon.”
Wait, what? “Hunter…”
“I don’t want you to have to tell them alone. Plus, I have a few vacation days I can take.” He shrugs as if this is no big deal, but to me, it’s huge.
I shake my head. “You can’t always be there for me, Hunter.”
“Yes, I can, and I will.”
We sit in silence for a moment, both of us in our heads, until he notices the books stacked high. “Still searching for baby names tonight with your sisters?”
I burst into laughter. “They’ll be here in thirty minutes.”
“If Sophie’s driving, it’ll be fifteen.” He stands, shooting me a smirk. “Gonna take a shower. It’s hot as fuck outside, and I’m sweaty.”
“Well, I wasn’t gonna say anything but…” I tease even though he smells as good as always to me.
“Hilarious.” He walks backward, giving me a pointed look. “Just think about it, Lennon.”
“Okay,” I tell him, then he turns around and walks toward the bathroom.
I think about how he’d give me the confidence I need to face my parents. He’s supported me so much that when he’s around, I feel as if I can do scary things—like telling my parents I’m pregnant out of wedlock.
Leaning my head back on the couch, I hear the water turn on and remember seeing him naked, which is the absolute last thing I should be thinking about right now. I squeeze my legs together, trying to get a hold of my thoughts, and am so thankful for Sophie and her knowledge of adult toys. She got me this clit vibrator thingy, and it basically has me singing to the heavens. Luckily for me, it’s also waterproof.
A knock on the door pulls me back. When I open it, I find Maddie, who’s still wearing her dance clothes. Past her, Sophie climbs up the stairs, who obviously couldn’t keep up, and it makes me laugh a little.
“There’s my favorite sister,” Sophie says, and Maddie lights up, both of them walking inside and making themselves at home.
“I love being your favorite!” I gloat to purposely fuck with Maddie, who playfully narrows her eyes.
“Tell her,” Maddie demands. “Soph, you know I’ve always been your number one.”
Sophie snickers as they funnel into the living room. “You both are.”
The bathroom door swings open, and Hunter walks out with a towel wrapped around his waist before going to his room. Our eyes meet, and the only thing that pulls me away is Maddie’s gasp.
“Oh. My. Damn.” She releases a breath as if she’s affected and then glares at me. “How are you not aroused by that man?”
I roll my eyes and look at Sophie who, not surprisingly, agrees.
“You two better stop it,” I warn, pointing at them to emphasize my point. “And neither one of you is allowed to gawk at him.”
“Because he’s only yours to drool over?” Maddie taunts, and I’m half-tempted to slap that silly grin off her face.
Sophie, knowing I’m getting annoyed, leads Maddie to the couch. “Don’t start with her. She’s hormonal and may gouge your eyes out.”
“Exactly,” I agree with a fake glare. I sit between them, and they both attack me, rubbing their hands over my belly and trying to feel the baby.
“C’mon, baby, kick!” Maddie orders.
“It’s too soon, you weirdo.” I snicker. “She’s the size of a lime.”
“She?” Sophie squeals.
I look down at my bloated stomach and rub a palm over it. “I think it is, but I don’t know for sure yet. Just feels like a girl.”
“So that’s why you’re doubly hormonal?” Maddie cracks.
I nudge my shoulder with hers and scoff.
“Don’t worry, baby,” Sophie coos, patting one side of my belly. “I’ll be your favorite auntie who will love you no matter what.”
“Hey, no way!” Maddie flicks Sophie’s hand, and soon they’re fighting over my unborn child.
“You two are insane.” I laugh, pushing them both away. “Neither of you will be the favorite if you don’t help me name her!”
We pick up the books off the coffee table and start flipping through them. Hunter walks into the living room and tells us he’s ordering pizza, which only makes my stomach growl in anticipation. Grabbing his bag, he brings it to the kitchen table and pulls out his laptop for a makeshift desk. He’s been working so damn hard lately with his project, which I find admirable considering how much he’s already doing for me.
“How about you make a list for boy names and girl names you like and then you can start narrowing from there?” Maddie suggests.
“That’s a good idea,” Sophie adds. “We’ve got a lot of books to go through.” She glances at the stack I ordered. I might’ve gone a tad overboard. I won’t find out the gender until my August ultrasound appointment, which is exciting, but I won’t care either way. This baby is a miracle.
“If it’s a boy, I’m leaning toward Brandon Jude Locke, Jr,” I say, a smile touching my lips.
“That’s perfect,” Hunter says from the kitchen table, and Sophie and Maddie agree in unison.
I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and each time it crosses my mind, my heart lurches forward. Though Brandon’s not here, I’ll make sure he continues to live through our memories together. The baby will know how great of a man their daddy was. Before I get too sucked into my head and emotional, I continue.
“So maybe we should look at girl names then? Hell, that cut our job in half.” I hand Sophie a book as thick as a dictionary. I flip open the one in my lap and see an overwhelming number of names listed in alphabetical order. Most I’ve never heard of like Athwenna and Aoife.
“I, at least, want people to be able to say and spell her name correctly,” I say aloud after reading words I don’t even know how to pronounce.
Maddie and Sophie throw out different cute names, and I write a few down in my phone app, but others I pass on. The pizza eventually arrives, and we set the books aside while we move to the kitchen table. As we eat, making small talk, Maddie eventually brings up our parents.
“Do you know when you’re going to tell them?” She looks at me just as Sophie did last week when she asked. Time will eventually run out, we all know it, and I have to decide soon.
“Well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Every time I get in the shower, I notice my growing belly, and I won’t be able to cover it up much longer.” Even though we live in different states, they won’t be happy I hid it from them and didn’t tell them right away. The longer I wait, the more disappointed they’ll be.
Hunter gives me a sympathetic smile but doesn’t interrupt.
“I’ve decided to keep my Fourth of July trip and tell them in person and get it over with. I hope they’re not heartless enough to throw me out on my pregnant ass, not after everything I’ve been through this year, but it wouldn’t surprise me.” It hurts my hormonal heart to think about it, but I know it’s something that has to be done. “Plus, it’s too easy to hang up on someone if it’s done over the phone. At least then they’ll have to dismiss me and the baby to my face.”
Once I tell my parents, the entire congregation of the church will know my business in less than a day. I can only imagine the prayer lists I’ll be added to.
“This isn’t going to be good, Lennon. Are you crazy?” Maddie says.
“I know they’ll be highly disappointed and won’t hold back what they think about any of this, but I’m their daughter. They’re supposed to love me unconditionally. They taught us compassion all of our lives.” I pause, collecting my thoughts. “Honestly, I’m fucking scared of their reaction because I don’t want to lose them.”
“I’m going with you,” Hunter speaks up, his eyes not leaving mine. “I’m not going to let you go through that alone. I know I’ve already offered, but I’m not giving you a choice anymore. I want to be there for you.” He crosses his arms over his broad chest and holds his stance as if he’s not giving me any room to argue this.
“You’re insane. You have no idea how stressful and awkward this will be.” I shake my head, turning my body toward him. “I’m already preparing for the worst, and if you’re serious about this, you’ll need to as well. The moment they see my belly and no wedding ring, I’ll be the black sheep of the family. What hurts the most is knowing how disappointed they’ll be when all I’ve ever wanted is to make them proud. They might literally tell me to leave and never come back.”
I’ve been stressed and worried enough about this pregnancy, and while this is a giant hurdle to cross, they deserve to know they’ll be grandparents. Plus, I can’t lie forever. They’d eventually find out. My emotions take hold when I think about what could happen. Sophie and Maddie look back and forth between us.
“I wish I could go with you.” Maddie takes my hand. “I can’t because of my show. I’m so sorry.”
I wipe a rogue tear that spills over. I hate that I’m crying right now, but the more I think about it, the more upset I become. Telling them they’re going to be grandparents shouldn’t cause me this much stress.
“I’ll try to get out of rehearsal, Lennon. If you want me to—” Sophie starts but is cut off.
“We’ll tell them we’re married and having a baby,” Hunter blurts out, pulling our attention to him. “We got hitched, and you got pregnant on the honeymoon.” Hunter shrugs, pursing his lips as if the idea he came up with isn’t completely insane. “There, problem solved.”
He picks up a piece of pizza and takes a bite of it as I swallow down my heart that’s lodged deep in my throat.
My eyes widen at his idea and so do Sophie and Maddie’s. The three of us stare at him, wondering if we heard him correctly at his offer to be my fake husband and baby daddy.
By the smirk on his lips, I know I did.
We all did.