Chapter Eighteen
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
HUNTER
After finding out about Lennon’s pregnancy last night, I experienced a whirlwind of emotions—happiness, anger, excitement, and even bitterness. The truth is, I don’t know what or how to feel because I’m in complete shock. Part of me is happy Brandon left a piece of himself behind, but it also breaks my fucking heart that he’ll never know he and Lennon created a little miracle. He would’ve been overjoyed about the news, so damn happy and proud. I have no doubt he would’ve been a great dad too. When I close my eyes, I can almost imagine his exact reaction, and I try to find peace in that, though it’s another reminder that Lennon will always be Brandon’s girl.
My thoughts are all over the place as I get ready for work. I meant every word I said to her. She’s staying, and I’ll help her any way I can during her pregnancy and once the baby arrives. I have no clue what I’m doing, like a new dad wouldn’t, but I’m going to try to prepare the best that I can.
The apartment is dark, and since Lennon is still sleeping, I try my best to keep quiet. As I pour coffee into my to-go mug, I think about the news. Her being pregnant makes so much sense—the mood swings, loss of appetite, nausea. Combined with the stress and sadness of losing Brandon, though, no wonder she didn’t notice. But it explains so much. I’m surprised I didn’t think of the possibility sooner.
Before heading to work, I crack open the door to check on her. She’s sleeping soundly, and she’s snoring lightly. On the bedside table, there’s a stack of her books, and it makes me smile knowing she’s still invested in them. I quietly close the door and leave for the day.
I spend most of the morning going back and forth between the jobsite and the office. We’re finally pouring the foundation for the condos and seeing the footprint of the buildings blows my mind. Sure, we mapped it out, and I’ve studied several schematics, but standing in front of it is almost unbelievable. We have four more months to go on the build and then this project will be over. As long as no disasters happen, I’ll be moved to another one. The hours pass quickly, and as I’m loading shit into my bag, I get a text from Lennon.
Lennon
Do you have plans tonight? :)
The smiley face is perfectly placed at the end because she knows damn well my world revolves around her right now.
Hunter
Just hanging out with my wang out.
Lennon
OMG! Could you keep your wang in? I invited my sisters over for dinner. I need to tell them the big news. It’s not something I want to text or do over the phone. Would you be here with me, please?
A smile touches my lips, one that she causes because she wants me there with her. If someone had told me six months ago this would be my life, I’d have called them a fucking liar to their face.
Hunter
I’d be honored.
Lennon
Thank you. I just can’t do it alone, you know?
Hunter
I’ll always be there for you, Lennon. No matter what.
And I mean every single word I text her.
Lennon
I’m so thankful for you. I know Brandon would be too.
Another punch straight to the gut.
There’s so much I want to say to her, but instead, I keep it short. It’s better this way.
Hunter
I’ll be home soon
I stand in my office and run my fingers through my hair. It’s so easy for me to live in this make-believe world where Lennon secretly feels the same way about me, but I know that’s not the case. I’m not trying to swoop in and steal her. Boundaries—I’ve got to make them and not break them.
On the way home, I try to imagine how Sophie and Maddie are going to react. Considering they’re the ones who forced Lennon to buy a pregnancy test, I doubt it’ll be a complete shock. I bet there are a few told you sos thrown in because that’s how Sophie is, being the oldest sister and all.
When I make it to the apartment, music blares throughout, and it smells so damn good. I drop my bag by the door and walk to the kitchen where Lennon dances around in those damn tiny jean shorts and a tank top, mixing something in a bowl. I lean against the doorframe and watch her, soaking this all in and wishing things were different for us.
“Holy shit!” she screams, pointing the mixing spoon at me with a death grip.
I burst into laughter. “Sorry! I didn’t want to interrupt your solo.”
She places a hand on her hip. “You almost made me pee myself, which apparently is another delightful symptom I get to experience.”
I shake my head and snort, walking farther into the kitchen. “Whatcha cookin’ for me?”
“Homemade chicken pot pies,” she answers with a smile. “For everyone . I was watching the Food Network earlier today, and it looked good.” She shows me her phone where the recipe is. “So I thought I’d try it.”
“So you find out you’re pregnant and become Betty Crocker?” I quip.
She’s always cooked with the exception of the past couple of months.
That earns me a smirk.
“When the cravings call, you follow them.” She shrugs unapologetically.
Lennon pulls the crust off the cookie sheet and stuffs it in a baking dish. After she pours in the filling, she carefully places the second dough on top and puts it in the oven.
“I’m gonna take a shower. How much time do I have?” I ask.
“My sisters will be here in twenty minutes.”
I nod. “It’ll take me ten.”
I rush to the shower and turn on the water. I told her it’d take me ten minutes, but I finish and get dressed in eight. There’s just enough time for me to walk into the living room and sit on the couch before a knock echoes on the door.
“I got it,” I call out as she comes rushing out of the kitchen. She makes it just past the couch when the timer goes off on the oven.
“I didn’t change clothes!” She looks down at herself. “Shit!” She goes back to the kitchen, the timer stops, and I hear the oven door pop open.
Laughing, I open the door. As soon as I do, Maddie and Sophie rush inside.
“Oooh, you smell good,” Maddie says, making a show of inhaling my chest. Sophie smacks her shoulder.
“Don’t start.”
Maddie plops down at the kitchen table with a huge smile on her face. “Lennon, why’d you insist Buzz Killington come over too?”
Sophie rolls her eyes and sits at the table as Lennon comes out carrying the masterpiece she made.
Maddie’s eyes widen. “Holy shit. You made this?”
Lennon beams proudly and passes out the plates and forks. “Why’s everyone so shocked? I know my way around the kitchen!”
“Because growing up, cooking meant Pop-Tarts and a can of tuna,” Sophie adds to the blow.
When I burst out into laughter, all three of them turn and look at me, then go back to giving each other shit. I can only imagine how they were all under one roof.
Lennon’s soft gaze meets mine, and she lets out a ragged breath. Her sisters aren’t paying attention as they scoop food onto their plates, but I notice every little thing about her, even if she thinks I don’t.
Once we all have food and start eating, Lennon clears her throat, and I can tell she’s nervous. I look over, encouraging her with one simple glance.
“I’m sure you two are wondering why I invited you over,” she begins. I can see her pulse throbbing in her neck. I almost reach over to hold her hand, to calm her, but I don’t.
“To tell us you and Hunter are finally a couple?” Maddie says with a huge grin.
Lennon’s face contorts. “What?”
“No,” I add at almost the same time, seeing how Lennon’s face reddens at Maddie’s words. Sophie gives Maddie the death stare, and she shrugs like it’s no big deal. I’d find it humorous that Maddie constantly gets scolded by them, but I’m too terrified to react because I don’t want Lennon to see my true feelings.
“I’m not sorry for saying that. So I’m not gonna apologize.” Maddie playfully smirks. “I mean, come on!” She flails her arms in the air, and it takes all the willpower in the world not to look at Lennon for a reaction.
“We’re just friends, Maddie. Stop it. You’re embarrassing me,” Lennon sternly tells her, then glances at me with apologetic eyes.
Sophie clears her throat, then places her hand on Lennon’s. “You took the test without calling me first. You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
Lennon swallows hard, then nods.
“You owe me twenty bucks.” Sophie turns to Maddie with a chuckle.
Both of them stand and rush to Lennon, then wrap their arms around her, and I lean back and watch the three of them, seeing the love they have for each other.
Sophie starts crying. “I’m so happy for you. I know how much you’ve wanted this, wanted a family.”
My heart feels like it’s being torn into a million pieces. At any moment, I could throw it up in the air as celebratory confetti. It’s official. I’m a bastard for being jealous that I wasn’t the man to give her this. It wasn’t in the cards for me, can’t ever be.
“Great, now I’m crying too,” Maddie says, and then Lennon starts.
“Stop!” Lennon sniffles with a half-laugh. “You’re making me so emotional.”
I stand and grab one of the boxes of tissues from the living room and pass it around. It’s a happy moment, one that should be cherished. After they’ve exchanged hugs and cried tears of joy, we sit and finish eating. The room gets quiet, other than the sounds of our silverware scraping against plates.
“So,” Sophie begins, “when are you going to tell Mom and Dad?”
Lennon stills. “I haven’t thought that far ahead yet, but as soon as I do, you all will be the first to know because I’m going to get disowned.”
“They’ll get over it,” Maddie says with certainty, glancing down at the tattoo on her wrist, one of many, I’ve heard. “And we’ll be here for you, no matter what.”
Lennon smiles, but I can tell she’s getting lost in her head. I wish I could say what I want, but I keep quiet. My mind’s still hung up on what Maddie said, and I realize the only person who doesn’t see how I feel about Lennon is Lennon.
Once everyone’s finished eating, I take everyone’s plates to the kitchen. Once they’re rinsed and in the dishwasher, I work on the rest of the kitchen. When everything is spotless how she likes it, I peek my head out and tell them I’m going to bed.
“Already?” Lennon says, shooting me a smile.
“Yeah, I’m tired. Long day,” I tell her with a grin and leave them to sister time.
A week has passed since the big news. Lennon doesn’t want to tell anyone else besides her sisters and me until she sees her doctor. As we’re sitting on the couch watching another episode of Friends , she bursts into tears.
“Lennon?” I ask, confused at her sudden breakdown. “Everything okay?”
She sniffles. “Sorry. I’m scared about tomorrow and having to go to my OB alone. Sophie and Maddie can’t break away from work and?—”
“I’ll go with you,” I blurt without thinking.
She wipes tears from her cheeks. “You’d do that for me?”
When I move closer, she leans into me. I wrap my arm around her small frame, and she hugs me, melting into me fully. It takes everything I have to keep my emotions at bay and not pull her onto my lap.
I place my hand on the back of her head. “I’d do anything for you, Lennon. What time?”
She sucks in a deep breath. “Ten.” She pulls away and looks up at me. “Are you sure? What about your job?”
“Absolutely. Let me worry about work,” I tell her. “Plus, I don’t know anyone who’s cried during one of the funniest episodes of Friends .” I wipe away a rogue tear that’s struggling to spill from her face, and she watches me.
If I weren’t keeping the biggest secret of my life from her, I’d be kissing those tears away.
Letting out a stifled laugh, she sighs. “Thank you. I feel like all I’m doing is thanking you lately. And it doesn’t feel like enough.”
“It’s more than enough,” I tell her, forcing myself to move away. “Want to watch the next one? We’re almost done with season three.”
Lennon nods and leans back on the couch. I feel her eyes on me, but I keep mine facing forward. Boundaries , I remind myself.
The next morning comes quick. It feels like my alarm was screaming for me to wake up as soon as I closed my eyes. I go to the office and take care of some paperwork before I leave and pick up Lennon for her appointment. She meets me in the parking lot to save time.
“I’m so damn nervous,” Lennon says, her leg shaking in anticipation as we drive to the clinic.
“It’s going to be fine. I’m sure you’re a little excited too.” I’m trying to be as supportive as I can because right now, more than ever, she needs it.
“Yes, I’m excited,” she says, flashing a half-smile before she adds, “Sad, though, too.”
I wondered when she’d mention it.
Reaching over, I grab her hand and squeeze it. She doesn’t flinch or pull away, but I do before it gets awkward. I put my fingers back on the steering wheel, not knowing what came over me. It felt right and natural, and it must’ve for her too.
As I turn into the parking lot, we both stare at the building. Lennon lets out a deep breath and a nervous laugh.
“We’ve got this,” I tell her, then unbuckle and open the door. She follows my lead, and we head inside. We sit in the waiting room as she fills out the necessary paperwork, and a long twenty minutes later, they finally call her name.
For some reason, I’m as nervous as she is. I have no idea what to expect with a visit like this, so I can only imagine the anxiety she’s feeling. I don’t want there to be any issues with her or the baby for obvious reasons but also because she can’t handle any more bad news.
We follow the nurse to an exam room where they take her weight and height. The nurse asks her a thousand questions based on her paperwork, gets her blood pressure reading, and then asks about her last period. Lennon can’t give her the exact date, but she gives an estimated timeframe. If talking about this in front of me is awkward as hell for her, she doesn’t show it. Lennon answers all the questions effortlessly, describing how she’s been feeling and talking about her diet. Once the nurse has everything she needs, we’re informed that Dr. Potter will be in shortly.
Fifteen minutes later, the doctor enters with a file in her hand. “There’s the happy couple! Congratulations on your pregnancy,” she says with a big smile, looking back and forth between us before taking her seat at the tiny desk.
“Oh, um,” I begin but quickly stop when Lennon speaks up.
“No, he’s not the father,” she explains, her bottom lip trembling.
I reach over and grab her hand, squeezing it again, just as I did in the truck. “It’s okay, Lennon.”
“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Potter immediately apologizes. “I know better than to assume.”
Lennon nods, and I lean back into my chair so the two can talk. “The father died in a motorcycle accident a couple of months ago. This is Hunter, his best friend.” She pauses, then adds, “ My best friend.”
My heart falls into my stomach at her declaration. I know I shouldn’t allow those words to affect me, but they do. If being her best friend is all I can ever be, I’d still die a happy man by just getting to be in Lennon’s life at all.
The doctor’s eyes soften, and she apologizes profusely for her loss. Dr. Potter basically repeats everything the nurse asked, which is annoying that Lennon has to go through it twice. Talks about taking her daily prenatal vitamins and then discusses how far along she could be. Since the first day of her last period was over two months ago, the doctor recommends getting an ultrasound. She explains they’ll be able to get the baby’s measurements and better estimate her due date.
Once she’s finished with the office visit, we’re sent to another floor for the ultrasound. A tech brings us into a darkened room and explains the whole process to Lennon, which has my mind spinning. Since she’s apparently at the end of her first trimester, they can do a traditional ultrasound, whatever the hell that means.
As soon as Lennon lifts her shirt, I glance away to give her some privacy. Moments later, the ultrasound tech stands closer to her, so I take that as my sign it’s okay to look. Lennon’s jeans are lowered a bit where the wand is sliding over her belly. The screen grabs my attention as we watch weird movements play out. I have no idea what I’m looking at, but it doesn’t matter because soon, the tech explains everything in detail.
“See that little flutter there?” She points at the screen, and Lennon and I both look up. “That’s the baby’s heartbeat.” She grins, and I shift my gaze to Lennon, whose eyes are watering. She’s smiling, and I know how much this means to her. “Looks like you have an active little baby in there.”
I gasp when I see a seahorse shape swimming from one side to the other.
“Isn’t that cool?” Lennon asks me, bringing my attention back to her.
“You have a creature inside you,” I tease.
Lennon wrinkles her nose, and we both laugh.
The tech continues to take the measurements, making lines from one side to the other. I can’t help staring at the screen and then flicking my gaze to watch Lennon. It feels so surreal to be experiencing this with her. I can’t help the sadness that takes over, knowing Brandon will never get this opportunity. I’d take his place in a heartbeat so he could have his happy family.
“Alright…you ready for some pictures?” the tech asks, and Lennon lights up. “Let’s see if we can get some good ones. He or she is pretty excited in there.”
Lennon giggles as she watches the tech freeze the screen and take screenshots. “According to the measurements, you’re eleven weeks along, which makes your estimated due date December twenty-third.” The tech’s entire face lights up. “Ooh, maybe you’ll have a Christmas baby.”
“A baby for Christmas. Sounds like a Hallmark movie.” Lennon snorts and grins.
The tech finishes up, hands Lennon a towel to clean up, and then gives her half a dozen photos. Once she’s ready to go, we walk to the truck and ride in silence. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to put her on the spot either, so I don’t push it.
Lennon holds the photographs as if they’re her lifeline, almost as if they’ll disappear if she lets go. We pick up some food and bring it back to the apartment and eat. Instead of going back to work, I call my boss and tell him I’m taking the rest of the day off. I don’t want to leave Lennon right now. It’s been a big, emotional day for her. Hell, and for me. I’m in way over my head if that doctor appointment taught me anything.
“I can’t believe this,” she finally speaks as we sit at the table to eat.
I give her a small smile. “Well, you better because it’s happening.”
She stares at the wall, transfixed. “I’m having a baby. This is unreal. I mean, I always wanted kids. I knew I wanted a big family. But why right now?” She ponders, but it’s almost as if she’s thinking aloud to herself and doesn’t expect an answer. I wish I had answers for her, but I don’t. “It’s like Brandon left a piece of himself behind for me so I wouldn’t be alone forever,” she says.
My eyes soften, and my heart beats faster. “You won’t be alone forever, Lennon.”
“Well, not as long as you’re with me,” she says. “At least I’ll have you.”
Her words nearly have me gasping for air and choking on it. When she says things like that, I know she doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but it still affects me. I wish with everything I am that she meant them the way I mean them.
“And I’m not going anywhere,” I confirm.
She rewards me with one of her sweet Lennon smiles that always turns me to mush. I’m a fucking love-sick puppy, a whipped one at that, but I don’t even care. She’s not mine to claim, but she’s mine to protect now.
Once we’re finished eating, Lennon stands and cleans up the mess, then we go to our spot on the couch to watch our show. She yawns over and over before she eventually drifts off, and I fan a blanket out on top of her. Since I’m not anywhere near tired, I decide to try to get some work done from home.
I catch up on emails and reply to as many people as I can, and by the time I look up, it’s nearly dark outside. Instead of ordering food, I throw a pizza in the oven, and the delicious cheesy scent eventually wakes Lennon.
“What’s that smell?” she asks with a raspy, sleepy voice.
“Pizza,” I tell her.
Five minutes later, it’s done, and I’m putting pieces on plates and delivering drinks to the coffee table for us. As we sit and eat, I realize how fucking envious I am of Brandon for everything he had. I try not to allow the dark thoughts to take over, but I can’t help it. I try to push them away, not wanting to have them at all.
“What is it?” Lennon asks with concern in her voice. Maybe she notices me as much as I do her.
“Nothing,” I say around a mouthful of the saddest pizza I’ve ever eaten.
She gives me a weak smile. “You can tell me. It won’t upset me. I know it was about Brandon.”
I swallow hard, wondering how the hell she knew that. Shrugging, I decide to tell her some. “Just hate that he can’t be here for you. That he doesn’t know he’s having a kid. That he can’t eat this shitty pizza with you.”
The last part has her chuckling. “I wasn’t going to say anything. But yeah, I’m never buying this brand again. It was a total fail on my part.”
She doesn’t say anything about my other admissions, though, and I’m happy she doesn’t because I know she feels the same way too. It’s the elephant in the room. Once we’re full, Lennon gets up and lets me know she’s going to take a shower.
She typically showers in the mornings, but after Brandon’s death, she’s used the bathroom as an escape to cry, so I don’t question her about it.
I pick up our mess, and just as I throw the rest of the pizza in the trash, I hear the water come on. Then I hear her singing.
Slowly, I walk down the hallway and stand outside the bathroom door to make sure I’m not imagining things. My eyes flutter closed, and I rest my head against the door, wishing I could tell her all my secrets and put my heart out on the line. Her soft and sweet voice sings so beautifully, I nearly give her a round of applause when the water turns off.
I go into my room and shut the door. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I rub my hand over my face. It’s the first time she’s sung since Brandon’s death, and it has me crumpling, falling, so damn happy that I can barely compose myself.
The bathroom door creaks open, and I hear her walk to her room and shut the door, then moments later, she knocks on mine. After a second, she turns the knob.
“Hunter?”
I straighten my stance, and she grins. “Just checking on you.”
“I heard you singing…”
Heat hits her cheeks. “I’m sorry?—”
“I’ve missed it,” I cut her off. I never want her to apologize for singing again. “It sounded perfect.”
“I thought you hated my singing.” She crosses her arms over her chest as she scowls, but I notice the pulse point in her neck throbbing.
“If I told you I liked it, do you think you would’ve kept it up?” I chuckle, reminding her of our antics.
A smirk spreads across her face. “Fair point.”
She walks into the room and looks around the space that once belonged to her and Brandon, then sits on the bed next to me. “It was a lullaby my mother used to sing to us when we were kids. It’s a song called ‘Baby Mine.’”
She carefully rests her hand on her stomach, and it fucking breaks me. I can see the tiniest bit of a bump there.
“Growing up, music was such an integral part of my childhood, and I want to share that with my baby. Music connects people in a special way, and it’s a way for us to bond.”
“Wow,” I whisper. The revelation as to why she’s singing again hits me. “Love like that…it’s powerful.”
She looks down at her hands and fidgets with the hem of her shirt. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say being vulnerable around me made her nervous. Not wanting it to grow awkward or for my last shred of willpower to snap, I stand and notice her yawning again.
“You should probably get some sleep.”
“You’re right. This baby wears me out, and I don’t even do anything.” She laughs at herself. “I can’t seem to catch up regardless of how many naps I take.” Lennon stands and walks past me, and the smell of her shampoo and soap takes over my inhibitions. I almost reach for her hand, pull her back, and kiss the fuck out of her, but instead, I ball my hand into a fist. Instead of following her, I give her space because I need it as well. Just long enough to get a grip on reality.
After an hour of messing around in my room, I try to sleep. I stare into the darkness for at least an hour when I hear Lennon’s quiet sobs in the other room. I thank the paper-thin walls for that.
I close my eyes tight, knowing I should let her be, but I can’t. I throw the blanket off and walk into the hallway, then stand outside her door and listen. I shouldn’t knock on the door. I should give her privacy. I need to go back into my room and leave her be. Instead of doing those things, though, I go against all my senses and slowly open the door.
“You okay?” I ask softly.
“No,” she whispers, curled up into a ball, facing away from the door. “I need to be held,” she answers truthfully.
Fuck me.
Regardless of what my head says, I follow my heart and go to her. To hell with it. I can’t let her cry in here all alone. I push the sheet back and slide under it. Feeling how cold her skin is, I wrap my arm over her petite frame and pull her body to mine.
I squeeze my eyes tight, trying to hide my truths from her. Even though I want to say so many words at this moment, I allow the silence to speak. Regardless of how much this fucking hurts, how much I’m beating myself up inside, I’ll do anything to comfort her and to help her heal, even if it means I’m destroyed in the process. Lennon’s quiet sobs diminish, and I know she’s finally asleep by how her breathing changes.
I should slip out of here now that she’s asleep, but I’m a selfish bastard who can’t give up the opportunity to hold her like this while imagining we’re two different people than who we truly are.
In another life, she and the baby are mine. As my eyes grow heavy, the truth of our situation smothers me, but I force myself to fall asleep anyway.