Chapter Seventeen
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
LENNON
I wake up feeling like absolute shit. Not that it’s any different from the past two and a half months, but this isn’t the same. After last weekend’s bar fight between Hunter and that drunk guy, I’ve gladly stayed inside the apartment. That was enough socialization for me for a while.
Something about that night brought Hunter and me closer, and I’m genuinely thankful for his friendship. I wouldn’t be able to get through this without him. When that guy at the bar asked if I was single, I had no idea how to respond. What would I say: “Technically, yes since he’s buried six feet under, and I’m still in love with him.”
Talk about emotional baggage.
Thank God Hunter showed up when he did. I probably would’ve broken down in tears right then and there.
I mean, I could’ve gone without him having to fight for me. But it was a nice gesture considering the guy called me a cheap whore for no damn reason.
Over the past week, I’ve buried myself in books and even managed to cook dinner a couple of times. I know I’m going to need to go shopping soon because we’re running out of shit again, and it’s not fair to make Hunter do everything. He works all day long while I’m off, and I should be chipping in more even if I’m unmotivated.
It’s as if Sophie reads my mind from across town and sends me a text.
Sophie
Wanna hit the grocery store with Mads and me? I’m sure you need supplies in your cave.
I huff, laughing at her assumption, but only because she’s right.
Lennon
I do, but God invented grocery delivery for a reason.
I’m messing with her, but I like seeing how far I can push her.
Sophie
Pretty sure God would say get off the couch and go see your sisters. Oh wait, he’s talking to me now. Yep, that’s exactly what he said. Picking you up in 20. Gives you enough time to scrub off the couch stench.
I roll my eyes. She definitely plays the older sister role well.
Lennon
Rude AF. But fine. Give me 30.
Once I’m showered and dressed, I patiently wait since I’m ready before she arrives. Doesn’t take that long since I only blow-dry my hair and don’t worry about styling it. For work, I used to always curl it and make it look nice, but while I’m on summer break, I can’t find a reason to.
“You look nice,” Sophie says as soon as I plop down in the passenger seat. “Smell fresh and clean too.”
“You have a very backward way of saying I was smelling like shit and looking like hell,” I deadpan.
Sophie smiles, then drives out of the parking lot.
“For the record, I’m not feeling the best, so this isn’t me giving up or anything. I feel exhausted. Probably coming down with a summer flu or something.” I groan dramatically loud as I lean back in the seat.
“Better buy some Lysol then. No one wants to catch whatever weird sickness you have.” Sophie laughs.
She thinks I’m making excuses, but I do feel off.
“Anyway…” I clear my throat loudly to emphasize I’m ready for a subject change. “How’s the roommate situation going? Did Maria’s boyfriend move in, or are they off again?”
“Carter’s moving in this weekend. Can’t you tell how excited I am for it?” She narrows her eyes, frowning. “Apparently, he wanted to wait for his lease to be up and has been slowly bringing his shit over.”
“Did you talk with Maria about making some house rules at least? Figure out stuff like food, cleaning, laundry.” I only ask because I know what she’s about to go through. I know if Brandon’s accident never happened, Hunter and I would still hate each other, and I don’t want that for her. It’s stressful as hell.
Sophie sighs, turning onto the highway. “I tried, but Maria’s too in love to realize this is going to change things. She basically said we’ll figure it out as we go and that we’ll all be responsible for our own messes and food. Except that asshole always eats my snacks when he’s over. Carter doesn’t even ask. He takes whatever the hell he wants.”
“Maybe you should get a mini fridge for your room? At least that way he won’t go in there and take it,” I suggest.
“Probably a good idea. Well, anyway, I’m going to need you to keep me company and distracted when I’m not at work. Luckily, things are busy right now, so I won’t be home much anyway.”
Maddie meets us at the store with Erin, her roommate from school. They live in the dorms, but it’s set up more like an apartment. Maddie has her own bedroom and only shares the kitchen and living space. We’ve met Erin a few times now, and she seems sweet. I’m glad Maddie has someone like her to count on because dancers can be cutthroat and competitive during the audition season.
“You have all junk food in your cart.” I snort when I look inside. “What happened to your dietary restrictions?”
“We’re going on a beach trip this weekend with a few others, and we’re in charge of snacks,” Maddie explains. “Plus, it’s only a few days. I’ll be back to ice cubes and oxygen on Monday.” She rolls her eyes even though she really is disciplined. She’s always had a slender build, the perfect dancer’s body, but we like giving her shit anytime we can.
“Pretty sure I gained ten pounds just looking at all of that,” Sophie adds with a mock smile. “Oh, speaking of feeling fat, I need to get tampons too.”
Her comment makes me laugh because I always feel super bloated before my cycle begins too. In fact, my periods were so heavy and painful, I finally went on birth control in college to regulate them and ease the cramps. However, after Brandon died, I basically gave up on everything and stopped my pills. Probably need to get back on them so my periods don’t try to kill me next time.
“Lennon, you need some?” Sophie asks as she reaches for the ones she wants.
“So glad I don’t have to worry about that every single month,” Maddie singsongs. Since she’s been a dancer for half her life and trained so much, she developed late. In fact, training takes such a toll on her body that she rarely gets one at all.
“No, I’m still stocked from the last time.”
“You didn’t buy any last time we went shopping,” she replies, tossing a couple of boxes in the cart.
Blinking, I try to remember when I bought them. I’ve only gone to the store a couple of times since the accident because Hunter’s been going. “It must’ve been before that then.” I shrug, taking the cart to the next aisle.
“Are you sure? Should I grab a box in case?” Sophie offers. “Because there’s no way you’re stocked up for more than a couple of times. Your bathroom is way too small for that.”
That’s true. “I have a box in the cabinet under the sink.” I know that for a fact because that’s where I keep all my shit and see it in there each time I grab my blow-dryer.
“Lennon.” Sophie inches closer, lowering her voice. “When’s the last time you had your period? Aren’t you on the pill? You should have it every twenty-eight days.”
“Geez, Mother .” I huff. “Why do you care so much?”
“Because you’ve gone through some shit, and it can take a toll on your body just like your emotional and mental states. I’m worried about you, is all.” She gives me a genuine look of concern, and now I feel bad for scolding her.
“Stress can affect them too,” I remind her. “I can’t remember the last time I had it, but I stopped taking my pill after the funeral. Mostly because I forgot.” I was too distraught to even eat.
Sophie gets out her phone and taps on the calendar app. “What’re you doing?”
“Counting the weeks.”
“Why?”
“Because if you stopped taking your pill over two months ago and you still haven’t gotten your period, that means something could be off.” She starts holding up her fingers to keep track of how long it’s been.
“I’ll go back on it as soon as I get my period and start a new cycle. I don’t know why you’re freaking out.” I continue walking, looking at the items on the shelves.
“You should get a pregnancy test,” she blurts out, which causes me to freeze.
She walks up to me, and I turn to face her. “Have you lost your mind?” I’m getting angry now. “You know I haven’t had sex with anyone.”
“Lennon, I’m sorry. I’m not saying you have. But you could be pregnant. Brandon passed away less than three months ago. You could’ve gotten pregnant right before.”
I hear the sincerity in her tone and know she’s not trying to upset me, but the reality is I don’t want to discuss this right now in the middle of the grocery store.
“That’d make me like over two months pregnant then, Soph. I think I’d know by now.” I scoff at the insane thought.
“Not always. A lot of women don’t show the first trimester or even have symptoms. I knew a girl who didn’t find out until she was basically giving birth.”
I wrinkle my nose at the thought. That seems impossible.
“What’s taking you guys so long?” Maddie interrupts, walking up behind us. “Having a sisterly chat without me?” She stalks around the cart and faces us. “What’s wrong?”
Turning away from Sophie, I respond, “She thinks I’m pregnant.”
“What?” Maddie covers her mouth when she realizes how loud she is. “I mean, how?”
Sophie and I both give her a look.
“No, dummies, I know how . I meant, wouldn’t you know by now if you were?” She’s treading lightly, and I appreciate the fact she doesn’t assume I’m sleeping with another guy already.
“Instead of fighting about it, let’s get you a test?” Sophie suggests.
“I’m not pregnant,” I say dryly.
“Have you had any symptoms? Why does Soph think you’re knocked up?” Maddie asks.
“She hasn’t had her period since before Brandon died,” Sophie replies.
“Gee, why don’t we broadcast it over the loudspeaker?”
“Well, isn’t it common for your body to change during a traumatic event or something?” Maddie asks.
“See?” I point my finger at her. “Exactly what I’m saying. Sophie thinks I’m whoring around.”
“I never said that!” She scowls. “But let’s think about this. Aside from no period, you’re fatigued, you haven’t had any appetite, and your hormones are all jacked up.” She holds a hand up to stop me when I try to defend all those things. “Those could be symptoms from grieving, I’m not saying it couldn’t be, but it could also possibly be due to pregnancy. Those are all signs, and if you weren’t grieving, you’d know one hundred percent that something was different. So, take a test and know for sure. For my sanity, please?”
I hate that she has a point even though I’m certain she’s wrong and making this a much bigger deal than it is.
They stare at me, waiting.
“Fine. I’ll take a test if that’ll shut you both up!”
“Okay, I was on your side until that last comment, so now I’m Team Pregnancy,” Maddie says with a smug grin.
I can’t be pregnant. There has to be another explanation for missing it.
I stopped taking my pills.
My cycles are all jacked up because of how much stress I’ve been feeling between losing Brandon and working. Except now I’m not due back to work for a couple more months. So my period will probably show up, and this whole thing will be a total waste of time.
I haven’t had the appetite to eat because I’ve been too damn sad to even care about food.
Ugh, but fuck it. If it’ll shut them up, I’ll pee on a damn stick.
I march over to the aisle and look at all the options. Why do there have to be so many? When I don’t return, Sophie and Maddie hunt me down.
“What’s wrong?” Sophie asks.
“I don’t know which one I’m supposed to get. Early response? Pink lines? Blue lines?”
“Have you never had to buy a prego test before?” Erin chimes in, and I didn’t even realize she was behind us.
“No,” Sophie, Maddie, and I all respond at once. Having a baby before being married was always out of the question. Our parents would lose their damn minds and disown us. It’s why I could never tell them Brandon and I lived together ‘in sin.’ I love them and want their approval so bad that lying was the better option.
“The digital ones have more clear readings,” Erin confirms. “But the pink line ones are cheaper.”
“Fine.” I grab a box that says 99.99% accurate and has two tests inside. “Happy now?” I ask my sisters, making a show of tossing it into the cart and walking away.
That’s gonna be a waste of fifteen bucks.
Less than an hour later, we’re back at the apartment, and I only got enough food for the week. I didn’t have time to ask Hunter what he wanted, so I got the essentials for now.
“Want help?” Sophie asks when I take the two plastic bags and a gallon of milk from the trunk.
“Nah. They aren’t that heavy.”
“You want help unpacking everything inside?” she asks, nearly hanging out the window.
“No…” I give her a weird look, and then it hits me. “You just want to come up and make me pee on that stupid test.”
“Duh! I’m curious. Plus, you’re my sister, and I’m worried.” She gives me a pouty face so I can’t be mad at her overbearing behavior.
“When I drink enough to gain the courage to take the test, I’ll let you know.”
“You can’t have alcohol!” She nearly jumps out of the car.
“Oh my God, I’m messing with you!” I laugh. “Calm down. I’m not that dense. I know the basic pregnancy dos and don’ts.”
“Please call me when you take it, okay? I wanna be there for you.”
“I know. Thank you.”
We say our goodbyes, and I go inside the apartment and start unloading everything. I always organize things beforehand so when the checker bags my items, the freezer, pantry, and nonfood items are together. They’re all laid out on the counter when the door opens.
“Lennon?” Hunter calls.
“In the kitchen,” I respond, putting the milk in the fridge and moving some things around to fit the meat and yogurts. “You’re home early. Unless you came to bring me lunch.”
Hunter doesn’t always have the time to pick something up like he used to, and that’s fine because I hate being a burden. Though I can’t deny I appreciated it when he did because I had no desire or energy to think about making anything for myself.
“I have a meeting in an hour across town and forgot some shit.”
I turn and admire him. His slacks and button-up shirt are so snug they look painted on. I’m sure his female coworkers don’t mind, though. “But I did bring you a fish sandwich from?—”
As soon as the smell hits me, I step back and cover my mouth with the back of my hand. “That has to go. It smells.” I’m across the kitchen by the time Hunter understands.
“Oh, sorry. I’ll take it with me.” He’s out of the kitchen, and I finally release a breath.
My eyes snap to the counter where the pregnancy test box sits. Hoping he didn’t notice it, I push it behind the coffeemaker to hide it. Then it hits me.
Oh my God .
The smells.
The nausea.
The throwing up.
No. No, no, no.
This has to be a weird coincidence. I can’t be pregnant.
“Want me to get you something else?” Hunter walks in and asks. He takes one look at my face and steps closer. “Lennon. Are you okay? You look really pale.” Hunter closes the gap between us and cups my face and studies me. “Are you sick?”
I don’t know what to say. He’s had to put up with me being here all this time, so there’s no way he’s going to want a baby living here too.
Hell, I can’t process this right now. I don’t want to tell him anything until I know for sure.
“I’m just tired. Sophie and Maddie dragged me to the grocery store with them. Hopefully, I’ll feel better after a nap.”
Hunter narrows his eyes as if he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t push it. Releasing me, he tells me to call if I need anything. He grabs his work stuff and then is out the door.
I grab the pink box and head to the bathroom. I’ve never taken a pregnancy test and try to quickly read over the instructions.
“Okay, well, seems pretty basic. Pee on the stick, wait two minutes, life changes forever,” I mutter to myself, my hands shaking as I take off the cap. Since there are two tests, I decide to pee on both of them.
Once I’m done, I set them down on the counter and pace the tiny bathroom floor. It’s then that I think about what this could mean if I am.
The last time Brandon and I had sex was the night before he died. That was two months ago. If I remember from learning about this in school, a pregnancy gets calculated from the first day of your last period, so it’s like two weeks before conception. That means if I am, I’d be ten weeks pregnant already.
The realization hits me hard and fast. I could be having Brandon’s baby, and he’s not even here to experience this with me. He won’t get to meet his child. I won’t have a husband to rely on and be joyful with. Leaning against the bathroom door, I fall to the floor. I can’t raise this baby alone. My parents will never approve. So not only will my baby not have a father, but it won’t have grandparents either.
My phone goes off, telling me the two minutes have passed, and it’s time to know for sure. My palms are sweaty, and my heart is beating so hard, I can feel it all over my body. Part of me already knows what I’m going to see when I look at those tests.
Crawling over to the counter, I grab the two sticks from the sink and lower them. I clench my eyes tight, trying to steady my breathing before I open them and look at the two lines in front of me.
Positive. Both of them.
Two bright-ass pink lines.
The tears fall as I come face-to-face with reality and what this means for my future.
A future without Brandon. The grief hits me all over again.
I curl up into a ball on the floor, unable to find the strength to move as I cry myself to sleep.
A loud knock on the bathroom door startles me awake, and as I peel my eyes open, I realize I’m still on the floor and have no idea how much time has passed. I can’t believe I fell asleep, and now my body is sore from lying on the tile. As I pick myself up, I see the two tests next to me and tear up all over again.
“Lennon, you okay?” Hunter knocks again. “I got home about twenty minutes ago and am starting to get worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” I croak out. “Be right out.”
Shit .
He just got home from work, which means I’ve been in here for hours.
Standing, I stuff the two tests in my back pocket and look at myself in the mirror. I’m a hot fucking mess. My face is blotchy, my hair is still pulled up from this morning, and you can tell I’ve been crying. You’d think all my tears would’ve dried up after Brandon’s death.
After washing my face and adjusting my hair, I leave the bathroom and walk into the living room. Hunter’s digging around in his bag, and when I take a seat on the couch, he lifts his head and studies me.
“Shit, Lennon. Are you sure you’re okay?”
I shake my head, my gaze staring into nothingness. “No. I don’t think I am.”
Hunter moves around the coffee table and comes into my view, and though my eyes don’t focus on him, I can feel his movements.
But a part of me feels numb.
How could this be happening now?
Being pregnant should be a positive and happy experience, but all it does is finalize the fact that Brandon’s never coming back. And I’m alone. I have my sisters, but I can’t expect them to rearrange their lives for me. They each have dreams they’re chasing too. I nearly gasp for air when I think about my parents and what their reaction will be.
“You’re starting to scare me,” Hunter says. “Did something happen?”
My heart races as I blurt the words, “I’m pregnant.”
Hunter stares for a long moment, and I know he’s just as shocked as I am. When I’m certain he’s not going to say anything, I open my mouth, but then he speaks first.
“Wow…uh. You’re sure?” He brushes his hand through his hair as if he’s trying to process all of this too.
Leaning over to one side, I grab the tests from my pocket and hand them to him.
“Well, I’m 99.99% sure.”
He blinks, trying to read them.
“Two lines means positive…”
“Uh, yeah. I figured that out. I’m just?—”
“Don’t worry. It’s not your responsibility,” I blurt, worried he’s thinking about the worst-case scenario. I didn’t tell him because I expected him to do anything, but more so because of our newfound friendship. “Just because Brandon was your best friend doesn’t mean you now have to take care of me or our baby. So I’ll start looking for another place as soon as I can.” I shift to stand, but Hunter grabs my knees and gently pushes me back down.
“Why the hell would you think that’s what I was thinking or going to say?” His tone is harsh, and my heart beats rapidly, my breath increasing at how hurt he looks. “Have I not proven to you over the last two months that I want you here? That this place is as much mine as it is yours? Have I not shown you that I have your back no matter what?” His volume increases with each question as if he’s upset, which confuses the hell out of me.
“Hunter, I assumed?—”
“I’ve apologized to you over and over for the way I treated you. I know I was a dick, okay? I’ve been trying to make it up to you because I didn’t want either of us to grieve alone.” His tone holds so much sincerity that it makes my heart hurt seeing how regretful he feels about the past.
“Hunter, it’s not that,” I try to reassure him. “But this is more than leaning on each other through a hard time. This is a baby . I don’t even know how to process this, much less expect you to. It’s easy for you to say that you want to be here for me, but what happens when you’re ready to move on with your life? How are you going to bring a girl home when your roommate’s baby cries all night long? Why would you even want that? You’re used to going out all the time. I know you’re going to eventually want that again. You can’t know how this will change everything, but it will. This changes everything .”
Instead of firing back like I expect him to, he stands and walks off. Hunter’s done nothing wrong, but here I am, pushing him away. I know it’s for the best. He wants to think we can still go on like this as two roommates, but eventually, he’ll want his old life back. And when he does, I’ll be left to pick up the pieces of what’s left of mine.
When he doesn’t return to the living room, I decide to go find him instead. I hate that he thinks I don’t appreciate everything he’s done because I have so much. This is more than feeding me and making sure I get a good night’s sleep. This is a life-changing moment, and he doesn’t have to take responsibility for it. I don’t expect him to.
His bedroom door is half open, so I assume he’s in there. Probably to pack up my shit and give me a head start out the door. Hell, I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
“Hunter, I’m—” I push it open to check if he’s inside, and my jaw drops when I see him standing in only his boxer briefs. His back is ridiculously cut, like the rest of him, and tattoos wrap around his side. Part of me has always wondered what they represent.
He doesn’t turn around at the sound of my voice but continues to dig through his dresser. He grabs sweatpants and a T-shirt and then spins and faces me. “I’m moving my clothes over to the other room, and you should do the same. This room is bigger and will fit a crib and whatever else you’ll need. This is your room now.”
I release a gasp, shocked. “Hunter,” I start, but he cuts me off and closes the space between us. He’s only a couple of inches from me, and I’m pretty sure he can hear the rapid beating of my racing heart.
“Nothing you can say or do will make me want you out of my life, Lennon. You got that? You aren’t leaving. I’m not leaving. This is our home, and we’re going to make it work. I don’t give a fuck about my old lifestyle. Trust me. It wasn’t what you thought anyway, and I have no desire to return to it. You can yell, make your assumptions about me, and call me an asshole all damn day, but I’ll still be here for you. Nothing’s going to change that, so you better get used to it.”
I suck in my lips at his blunt honesty. It’s the last thing I expected from him, but if I’ve learned anything these past several weeks, it’s that Hunter isn’t anything like I thought. He’s more unpredictable and has proven that to me over and over.
“I’m sorry.” I swallow hard. “I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. This has nothing to do with our rocky past, Hunter. It’s ancient history now.”
He nods, keeping his gaze tight on mine. “Good. So you’re staying?”
I can’t help but laugh. “Yes. I’m staying.”
Hunter wraps his large arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “You’re going to get through this, Lennon. You always do.”