Aisha Kapoor
Istuff my face with Khichdi when he says the words.
The amount of charm and wit this man carries with him is something that I need to study because how the hell does he manage to say something like this every single time I try to put him off me?
He smirks, eating quietly, and I revel in the silence and the peace that comes with it.
“What did Maa say, though?” he asks me, wiping his mouth with a tissue.
I know the amount of spice and oil he has had in his food because of Maa, just because he doesn’t want to disappoint her. He is too nice to say no to her, and despite her trying to not put too much spice and oil in her food, she ends up putting more or less the same amount.
He has had an issue with eating food ever since he was in university. While he has never liked me making adjustments in myself to accommodate his lifestyle, I have always reveled in giving him the comfort he has never had in his life.
I never knew someone else’s comfort and peace would become my top priority until I fell in love with this man.
I never knew someone’s happiness would become the cause of mine so deeply.
“She said to be nice to Chhavi,” I tell him.
My mom is too nice with her side of relatives, and sometimes I wonder if this would be the case if my dad was still here.
No matter how much she denies it, I know deep down we are treated this way because we have had to rely on them for half of our lives.
I know she feels it too, but she is too attached, too rooted in her upbringing to question their ways even if inherently she disagrees with them.
“I just don’t like how she prioritizes them over me,” I say, gulping down a glass of water to stop myself from getting carried away.
He looks at me softly, letting me be myself. Letting me admit my feelings out loud. The way he makes me feel safe enough to let my armor down has always been scary because I have never had someone to rely on emotionally.
“I know they did a lot for us growing up,” I say, and he holds my hand in his, softly moving his thumb on the back of my hand.
“But at the same time I think, what’s the point of having a family if you’re not going to help them out when they need you the most?
If you won’t be lending a shoulder. And if you do, then why boast about it and make the other feel obliged to serve you in some way their entire lives? ”
I heave in a big breath, exhausted from all the things I never knew I had been carrying along.
“I know that no matter how much Maa shows it doesn’t affect her, deep down even she feels the way they have always treated us.
And I know things would have been different if maybe she had a son?
I know that’s very misogynist and sexist, but unfortunately that’s the society we live in, right?
No matter how much I do as a daughter, a son will always be preferred. ”
Bile rises in my throat even when I say these words because every cell in my body disagrees with this mindset. I hate how much privilege and importance is given to men—especially in Indian society—when most men turn out to be incompetent and women do what any man can do.
“You are enough, Aisha,” he says, his one hand holding my hand, and with the other, he cups my cheek and brings my face closer to his. I can feel the intense gaze of his eyes on me, and that makes me want to look away, but the grip he has on me makes me stare right into his beautiful eyes.
“Not just for me, but for Maa also. I know what you say; what you feel is right. The way they have treated you and her has always been unfair, and I hate it. But don’t think you’re not enough.
What you have done for yourself and for Maa, no man would be able to do.
I say this as someone who could never have the amount of strength you do.
I could never face the world with courage with the cards you were dealt, and that makes me even more proud to be called your husband. ”
I smile because his words soothe a part of me that I didn’t know could feel it.
“I know it is hard to believe, and I know it is even harder to see her be nice to those people. But you can’t change her. But you can protect her always, hm.”
I nod, because I know that’s true.
“I will always be there for you, Aisha. For you. For Maa. You guys are my family. My own. You are my home, and I will do everything to make it feel safe.”
He leans in to kiss my forehead, and the amount of warmth that engulfs me with is unfathomable.
He brings his lips downwards, breathing on my lips just enough to make me weak. He looks at me with hooded eyes, and for one moment I let my ego go. I let myself fall.
I let myself kiss him, and I know he is stunned by the way he freezes before melting into the kiss. His hand glides into my hair, bunching it in his fist and pulling me closer so that there’s no space between us anymore.
I let myself fall into his touch, let him devour me whole because I am ready. We both forget that somebody could walk in at any moment.
We both forget that I am mad at him, that he still has to earn his forgiveness back and that the status of our relationship is still unknown to both of us.
All we know is the need to be closer, if possible. This desire to be with one another in any way possible.
He squeezes my waist, and I moan, opening my mouth to welcome him home. His tongue glides against mine, fighting for dominance, and I let him win because I am at a loss of strength.
I round my hands around his neck, and he pulls me on his lap, and I struggle to straddle him because of my tight pants.
I tap on his chest when I feel out of breath, and he pulls away merely, still breathing against my lips.
He looks at me with hooded eyes, and I can feel the emotions swirling in his eyes. My cheeks heat up, and I can’t help but admire how handsome he is.
He looks at me. He is finally seeing me for the first time, with the same look I recognize him giving me from the first time we met.
Without even knowing each other’s names, we knew. This was it.
“What?” I ask, breathless.
He smiles, his thumb rubbing slow circles on my cheek.
He leans down to press a kiss on that sensitive spot on my neck, and I unknowingly tilt my head to give him access.
“You are so beautiful, meri jaan.”
He sucks on that spot, biting and licking, and I throw my head back, unknowingly moving in his lap, and he groans. I feel that sound in my skin and bones, and it makes wetness pool between my legs.
“Reyansh,” I moan out loud, and he just hums.
He moves his lips upwards, and just when I think he is going to kiss me again, the shrill sound of my phone’s ringtone makes me pull away from him like we were just caught making out somewhere we shouldn’t.
I pull out my phone and see my mother’s name flash on the screen.
He groans and rests his head on my shoulder, and I have to stop myself from smiling. Somehow her phone call brings me back to reality.
There’s still so much left to discuss, so much to heal.
I can’t let my desires get in the way.
* * *
We have been driving in silence for a while now. Awkward silence, I might say, because I refuse to let even a single sound out.
“Overthinking?” he asks out of nowhere, bringing a stop to my raging thoughts.
“No,” I say, shaking my head even though I was doing exactly that.
He gives me the side eye before focusing back on the road. We are just two minutes away from the airport, and then the one person I would not like to meet at the moment would arrive.
I truly am God’s favourite.
“Don’t lie to me,” he says. “I can tell when you’re overthinking. When you’re weighing down all the possibilities in your head.”
He goes on, and I cross my arms to show my defiance.
“Let me guess, you’re probably wondering if you did it too early, if kissing me was the right choice, if it is messing up what we had.”
“What did we have, Reyansh?” I lash out.
Because what we had was lost long ago, and I don’t get what is happening right now. I always thought forgiving him would be the most difficult thing to do. I always thought I held enough respect for myself to not put myself through a man’s bad behavior.
He looks taken aback by my question, and I take a deep breath as he slowly parks the car in front of the airport gate.
“Do you really need to ask me that?” He sounds hurt, and maybe my choice of words and my tone are accusatory because we both know what we had. It doesn’t need to be underlined. But I would really, really appreciate some clarity now.
“I do because there’s so much that’s not said between us. Just because we have cleared a few things out doesn’t mean that everything is back to normal.”
I have this urge to slam my head against a wall because I know it must get annoying hearing the same thing over and over again.
I have always been an over thinker, but the one place I have never had to overthink is my and his relationship. Until recent years, when that’s all I could doubt.
It won’t go away overnight.
“I know it must get annoying for you too but—”
“No, Aisha,” he cut me off, taking my hands away from my legs that I kept pinching.
“You could never annoy me, and you know that. I understand your doubts, your fears. It sucks that the only thing I can do right now is just say that I am changing, that I have changed. I know I can only prove it through my actions.”
He looks pained as he stares at my confused state. I have nothing to say, nothing more to add because I know whatever I say will come back to the same point.
What are we doing? Is there a future to our relationship? Or will we find ourselves in this place once again? Maybe six more years down the line?
“I just keep wondering what if we give ourselves a chance and it doesn’t work out again. What if we find ourselves in this spot again?”
He shakes his head, and I stop him. I have tears in my eyes even at the thought of it, but I can’t take a risk now. Because I know I am starting to fall for him again.
I doubt I ever stopped, but the feelings were subdued for sure; the resentment grew with each passing day until I became neutral. Until all we became were two strangers sharing a home.
“You can’t deny it, Reyansh. What if we fall into the numbness that took over our relationship once again? My heart won’t survive this time, Rey.”
He presses a kiss to the back of my hand, and for a moment I forget that we were here to pick up Chhavi. She might come anytime.
He takes my face in his hand and touches his forehead with mine. I can feel his labored breath on my face, and I feel my heartbeat calm down.
“Aisha, I may not be able to promise you everything, because I know there are things where I lack. Things I am trying to improve. But if there’s one thing that I can promise, one thing that I am certain about, it’s that I will always love you. In this lifetime. In every lifetime.”
My lips quiver, and I really struggle at keeping it together because that might be the most romantic thing he has ever said to me.
“If there’s a thing like a multiverse, then I know I love you in each one of them. If the seven pheras we took on our wedding day truly have some significance, then I know I will love you in each and every lifetime. I will find you even if you hide away. I promise.”