Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
JAMAL
My head pounded when I woke up. I groaned, moving to clutch it, but the jarring movement made my stomach lurch, and I only had time to turn to my side before I vomited. I would regret that when I needed to clean that up later.
My head swam, and I was too busy coughing and dry heaving to take in my surroundings. I only knew I wasn’t alone when large warm hands carefully moved my hair away from my face, another set rubbing soothingly up and down my back.
They were still here?
I couldn’t remember much of the night prior, I’d drank a lot more than I even would have in the capital, but waking up this hungover, I assumed I’d be alone.
Not many companions stayed with me when I was drunk enough to not remember the following morning.
Even those who had been kind enough to bring me home didn't stay. They certainly didn’t hold back my hair or try to soothe me while I vomited.
They’d only been with me for fun. Why would they stick around for that?
When the heaving stopped and I dropped back onto the bedding with a groan, someone forced me back up again, putting a cup to my lips and encouraging me to drink.
“Just a little, tavi,” Torgrind murmured. “It will help with the pain.”
Blearily, I opened my eyes to look up at Torgrind. His face was blank, a mask of nothingness instead of his usual smile, but he didn’t look angry. Why did the blankness feel worse?
He tipped the cup a little to get me to drink it, and I swallowed down a mouthful of whatever it was, my brows drawing together at the sweet drink.
“What is it?” I croaked as I pulled away. My stomach protested anything being put in it, and I could only take in a little before I worried I would vomit again.
“A tonic from one of the bondmates of the Northern Clan. He was a physician before joining the clans. I asked him for something to give you when you woke up,” Brenek grumbled.
Slowly, since each movement hurt and made my head spin, I turned to look in the direction of his voice.
Brenek was as blank as Torgrind was, his expression unreadable even as he rinsed a cloth and scooted closer, rubbing it over my skin.
It was cool, and it made me feel a little better than before.
My skin felt sweaty and gross, and I wished I felt well enough for a bath.
As it was, I knew if I stood now, I would likely vomit again. I didn't wish to do that.
“What happened?”
“We hoped to ask you the same question,” Torgrind replied. He had an arm around my shoulders, still keeping me mostly upright, and his free hand ran over my hair in a soothing gesture. But he still looked blank. “Did we do something to make you so upset with us, tavi?”
Frowning, I looked up at him in confusion.
I wasn’t sure what he was referring to. I was frustrated with myself for drinking so much that I didn’t remember.
I looked between them both, unsure I wanted to admit I couldn’t remember what had happened.
Obviously something had, they both looked upset, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember it.
Brenek seemed to notice it first, and for a split second, his blank mask broke, a huff of a laugh escaping him before he swallowed it and shook his head. “He doesn’t remember.”
“Remember what?” I demanded, then grimaced. No loud talking. This conversation needed no loud talking.
“When we returned from training the evening prior, you were… irate. I’m not sure why or what changed, you wouldn’t explain it to me, but you wanted nothing to do with either Brenek or I, and every attempt we made to care for you only made you more angry,” Torgind explained.
Irate? Why would I have been–
Memories from the night prior drifted through my mind in fragments.
It was hard to make sense of it all. But I did remember what Zakai had said.
About my barbarians ‘handling me’. The thought had bothered me, and I’d grown more and more determined with each attempt they made to care for me to prove I didn’t need them.
And yet here they were, still caring for me, even after everything that had happened.
Sitting up sharply, I swayed where I sat, regretting my haste even while I desperately needed to put some space between us. Now I knew better why they were both so blank. They were angry and trying to hide it.
The idea bothered me a lot more than I expected it to.
“Varakai,” Brenek began, his brows twitching as he tried to hide his expression.
“Don’t,” I told him, shaking my head. I was too hungover to process everything right now. I could barely remember half of what had happened the night prior, and I still felt justified in my anger. But with no alcohol to hide behind, I also felt a great deal of pain at the thought of losing them.
“If you’d prefer we leave–” Torgrind tried, only to cut himself off when I shook my head again.
“Don’t! I just– I can’t think right now!”
Gripping my head in my hands, I drew my knees up, trying to force myself to focus.
The hangover made it too difficult to understand the barrage of emotions filling my chest. I almost wished I’d woken up alone like I used to.
At least then I’d have a chance to recover before being confronted with all this turmoil.
“I’m sorry.” Torgrind’s voice was solemn, and when I looked up, he looked… heartbroken.
“For what?”
The mask slipped, and his expression darkened. “For hovering. You made yourself clear that you wished to be left alone last night. I should have listened. I’ve been told I can be overbearing.”
“I’m sorry as well,” Brenek said, his jaw ticking as he tried to keep himself in check. “I shouldn’t have tried to force you to eat when you didn’t want it. I–”
“Stop!” I gasped, tears filling my eyes as I shook my head rapidly. “Stop, stop, stop!”
They both went quiet again, and the guilt that was steadily growing in my chest threatened to choke me.
Everything they were apologizing for were things I loved.
I loved the hovering and them feeding me and when they were demanding and even selfish with my attention.
I loved when they pulled me into their laps, even fighting over me once on whose lap I would sit on before being forced to take turns.
These weren’t things I wanted them apologizing for.
If they did, then it’d mean they did something wrong. They didn’t. Not like that.
“Jamal…”
Hearing my name instead of the sweet pet names they both gifted me was the last straw. I dropped my hands, baring my teeth in a pathetic attempt to hold onto my dignity even as tears spilled over my cheeks. “If you’re done with me just say so! You don’t have any obligation to care for me! I don’t–”
I tried to say I didn't need them, but it was a lie. I had never felt more cared for than I was here with them and the clan. When they walked away, it would hurt more than I cared to admit. I wasn’t even sure returning to the capital would be enough to escape the pain.
They moved as one, but not away from me like I’d expected.
They both reached for me at the same time, Torgrind pulling me against his chest while Brenek pressed himself against my back.
Surrounding me with their strength and comfort.
My attempts to hold in my emotions shattered, and I choked on sobs as they both touched me, rubbing soothingly along my arms and over my hair.
They didn’t stop until I no longer shook and my breaths steadied.
Torgrind’s knuckle under my chin lifted my face to look at him. Brenek cupped the back of my head when I tipped it back, both of them so close I could feel their hearts beating in their chests. I never wanted them to move away.
“I’m not sure what I did to give you the impression that I would walk away from you, kolrav. I want nothing more than to stay by your side always.”
Brenek surprised me when he shot Torgrind a dirty look, though it held less heat than it used to. “You won’t be the only one to call him that. Should he wish it, I would claim him as well.”
A watery laugh escaped me, and my lip trembled, tears threatening to spill again. They were still fighting over me. Even after everything that had happened. They both wanted me anyway.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked, stalling their argument before it could really get going. “I never meant for either of you to think I didn’t want you. I just…”
Their attention turned back to me, both of them stroking my cheeks and along my face, making my eyes flutter shut as I soaked in their attention.
“You just what, kolrav?” Brenek prompted when I didn’t finish my sentence.
“I thought… Prince Zakai made it sound as though you’d figured out how to control me. That’s why you were doing what you were doing. It bothered me. I have been controlled my whole life. To think you were only caring for me as a form of control–”
“That’s not it,” Brenek argued, shaking his head. “I did not feed you to stop you from having fun.”
Torgrind nodded his agreement, his brows furrowed. “Our actions weren’t to control you, tavi. They were to ensure you didn’t suffer from your fun later. Water and food, they prevent you from feeling like you did when you woke this morning.”
Oh.
“But… you pulled me away from my friends–”
“Only because we like you close,” Torgrind replied, stroking my chin with his thumb. “You are precious to us, tavi. We were both eager to get back to you. At least in my lap, I could have you close to me while you still had your fun.”
“Had it not ruined your fun, I would have dragged you back here after we returned,” Brenek commented, giving me and Torgrind a shrug when we both frowned at him.
“I already have to share him with you. Sometimes, I wish to be selfish with the rest of the clan. In here it’s just us, and I can have his full attention. ”
His grumbly reply made me laugh. Even if he was willing to share me with Torgrind, he was still possessive with everyone else. Goddess, I loved that.
Torgrind rolled his eyes at Brenek’s comment, giving his attention back to me.
“Your fiery spirit was one of the first things that attracted me to you. I don’t want to diminish it.
I only wish to be by your side and show you I care.
” His frown deepened. “I also wish to keep you safe. Had Brenek not used one of his moves on you, you would have been seriously hurt last night.”
Confused, I looked over my shoulder at Brenek. I didn’t remember him using any moves on me. I remembered almost nothing after I bartered a bottle of ale from Yngvar. The rest of the night was a blur.
“You almost fell into the fire. You stumbled while dancing, and I had to grab you to pull you away,” Brenek explained.
To my great surprise, Torgrind reached past me, grabbing Brenek’s hand and turning it over to show me the bandages on his arm. “It was lucky it wasn’t worse. Had you fallen in the way it looked like you might, it would have been more severe.”
My stomach twisted painfully as I ran my fingers along the edges of the bandages. He got hurt because of me? Because I assumed they were controlling me and lashed out?
I didn’t deserve men like them.