Chapter Forty-Seven #3
It has been agony to watch you love Leo and love me at the same time.
I had thought that perhaps you might get over him—that when you chose me, you would forsake the human prince.
That was a juvenile hope, and an ignorant one.
I should have known that your heart does not work that way.
You do not work that way. You love freely and wholly and without apology.
You love even when it is inconvenient and infuriating and maddening.
You love shamelessly. It is a stunning quality, and it is one I envy.
I love covetously. I love greedily and without regard for others.
I swore I would never hurt you, and I have broken that promise many times over.
I pray you forgive me. All I ask is that you remember me the way I was—before my anger took my kindness.
I should never have married you. I do not say that to hurt you, so please do not take it that way.
What I mean to say is that my love for you was selfish.
I could not resist you, no matter how hard I tried, even when I knew that loving you meant drawing you into my world.
I proposed to you without you knowing. I concealed details of my family, my quiver, my people.
You took it all in stride when you should not have had to take it at all.
You came to me new and eager and innocent.
I was living in darkness, and the sun came up when I met you.
I could not believe how strong you were for someone so young.
I have told you before, but it bears repeating: I fell for you the moment I met you.
You are bold, tenacious, and unstoppable.
You are the most capable woman I have ever met, and I have always wanted more for you.
At first, I thought that meant me. But now I understand you are whole all on your own.
I have no doubt that the life you live will be sensational. Leo is lucky to live it with you.
When my father died, he bequeathed his power to me, and it has been a burden every day since.
Part of me has always known that you are far more worthy to wield it.
Leo has always understood that about you.
It is I who took too long to realize you do not need me to soar.
I understand now why it was so difficult for you to transition—that the effects of the crest were debilitating.
I should not have taken my anger out on you.
It was never about your ability to turn.
It was the reason you could not turn that tortured me.
Perhaps, in the depths of my heart, I already knew things would end up this way.
Everything that has happened has been because of me.
I am the one who drove you into Leo’s arms, all the while insisting you remain in mine.
I am the one who demanded you crest him, and now his life hangs in the balance.
It is killing you just as surely as it is killing him.
I cannot blame you for loving him when I myself could not resist loving you.
I understand, more than anyone, how you must feel.
You must forgive me if I am angry when you return from your conversation with Evelyn.
You must forgive me if I am angry for a while.
But I will not be angry forever, and you will soon know why.
What I must do will seem cruel to you. But it is the only way to end this.
Kora knows I am not perfect. But you do not need me to be perfect.
You simply need me to make the decision I should have made a long time ago.
I am sorry you will have to watch me die.
But it is so you do not have to do the same with Leo.
That would be too great a burden to bear, even for you.
Before you return and I destroy us, I owe you an apology.
I should never have asked you to crest Leo.
I knew how you cared for him. I knew you loved him.
I could not have predicted that you would order him to find Evelyn, but in hindsight I should have known you would try to do right by him.
You always try to do right by those you love.
Believe it or not, I endeavor to do the same.
In fact, I am endeavoring to do so right now.
There is one more matter I wish to mention.
You know that I lived a long life before you, and you have often asked me about it.
I wish I had answered your questions when you asked them, and now I will no longer be around to do so.
But I kept a journal. Apollo knows where it is, and you are welcome to it if you wish.
I want you to know everything there is to know about me. I am done keeping secrets from you.
After you consummate the crest, you will be able to transition again. Only then will you be strong enough to defeat Rowe. Only you can do the impossible. You are extraordinary, Tem.
It has been the greatest honor of my life to love you. I only hope I was worthy of your love in return.
Yours,
Caspen