Chapter 15 #2
"Stop it. You can't be perfect at everything.
You're already at the limit because you are a beautiful, brilliant goddess and, frankly, it's comforting to know you're not an absolute ace at everything you do.
Stop holding yourself to impossible standards.
We can work on the reassembly a few days a week after training, and you'll be right there with the other cadets.
" She sags under my words, like they're a release of her own prison.
"Fine," she grumbles, rolling back over and snagging some of the food that Leo has so kindly helped himself to.
I nod at the books. "Read anything interesting?"
Farra gets an excited look now, her previous self-doubt seeming to disappear.
"Oh! Actually, yeah. This one is garbage.
" She points to the History of Magic, but then nods to an older book I'd found hidden away in the wrong spot.
"But that one is fascinating. It talks a lot about stuff I've never even heard about; conduits, creatures from the underworld, different wielders.
It references old magic, before the four elements were prominent forms of wielding.
" Farra's eyes are bright with the prospect of new information.
I have a nagging sense I've heard this before.
"What do you mean? Before wielders? Or before the Gods themselves?"
Farra tugs open the book. "It talks about how there is a main well of magic; a source outside of the four elements, or beyond the four Gods, or underneath it? I don't know, the language is in the common tongue, but it's almost in riddles... if that makes sense."
"Can I see?" I flip through the pages. I see what Farra's saying. The text is not straightforward.
My breath snags at a drawing near the back.
The same one I saw in Sib's house last week, only more intricate.
The artful compass is similar to the one New Providence still posts on places of worship, but again, there's small differences.
Eight spindles pointing outwards, but Aethur is represented differently.
Instead of a small speck at the middle, it is entwined with another symbol I don't recognize.
"What do you make of this? I saw it in Sib's house, and I think I've seen it before.
What if the well of magic is... I mean, what if there is another god.
..?" I feel guilty at the thought, especially when I'd so readily dismissed everything my dad had said back then.
I shove the book at the other two and they squint, trying to make it out.
"You're right, it is different, odd. It almost looks like more than the others because the symbol is similar to the four elements but bolder.. and slightly larger…" She's squinting at the compass like that will give her the answers.
"What possible reason would the Council have to change that? If this is true, that potentially means we've been missing a god to show our penance to." Farra says, sounding exhausted.
My mind turns over information uncomfortably.
I feel like I'm missing something, something my dad told me, and it nags at me.
I wish Willow were here. The little know-it-all could probably make sense of it.
Was my memory getting worse? It couldn't be, I'm eating better.
I have more food and routine sleep than I've had my entire life combined. So why do I feel so out of sorts?
"Oh, absolutely disgusting, look at this!
" Leo shoves Deadly Creatures of the Kingdom of Arcadya our way, his favourite so far.
On the one side, there's a depiction of a large creature that looks to be a mix between a spider and a scorpion.
"Fresh hells. Do you remember these? Sicari.
Made of actual nightmares." He feverishly looks through the book of horrors and abruptly throws it when he finds a depiction of a snake with a flat head and clawed hands the size of a transport truck.
"None of these things still exist, right? " he asks a little frantically.
Farra shrugs. "We don't actually know what's survived across the continent, do we?
We know things like horses and cows and livestock were the first to go.
The things that do survive are usually unpleasant, aren't they?
There are still some bugs, but I don't think anything cute and fuzzy still exists.
" She frowns at this, like out of all life's great tragedies, this might be the worst.
"Yeah, the last four things I've seen alive have all been earwigs. I hate earwigs," Leo replies gloomily.
"Well, that's utterly depressing," I offer at the realization. "Oh right! I forgot to tell you guys what Tarius told me," I say excitedly, shaking off my brain fog and changing the subject. I relay all the information I'd heard earlier today.
Leo looks rightfully shocked, asking a million questions he knows I don't have the answer to. I rub my temples in clear annoyance and glance at Farra who has been uncharacteristically silent.
"What are you thinking?" I ask as she taps her fingers on the book she's holding.
"I'm thinking... I wonder where the crew was last seen. Soldiers die every day, that wouldn't really be anything of note, but for an entire crew to go missing, it’s... unusual."
I wait for her to continue, wondering where her train of thought is going.
"What if they went beyond the barrier?" she says quietly.
We sit in silence.
"Say something," she huffs.
"They would have all died instantly then, right?" Leo asks.
The rusty gears in my head seem to be stuck.
"Well, what if that isn't true..." Farra says hesitantly.
My brows knit together as I look at her.
"What do you know?" My words come out in an accidental demand.
"We've never told anyone this, but I'm positive whatever happened to my brother, had to do with the barrier.
He mentioned something about it when he first came back.
He was only partially lucid, but I think he touched it.
I still don't know what happened, and he's not dead.
But another member of his crew was never found.
My brother was... altered. But not killed.
What we have always been taught is that the barrier is a volatile entity; living, breathing magic.
Those who come in contact with it are killed instantly.
I've always imagined it like some sort of electric fence. "
Shit, I wish there was a way to test this, but they've tried for years to figure out the barrier and come up empty-handed. Unless that wasn't true...? All conduits have been destroyed, along with most modern and hybrid technology, including the...
"What did you say?" Leo says loudly, snapping me out of my pacing thoughts.
"Was I talking out loud?" I ask, shaking my head.
"Yes, and really fast. Something about a test?"
I just nod and continue pacing. Why is this so difficult to wrap my head around? Why does it feel like there are clouds hovering over my thoughts? A tangled web I'm close to unraveling, but I can never quite get there?
"Maybe we should go visit the old woman," I say, all but giving up explaining my cascade of feverish thoughts.
We'd all agreed to keep our distance, well, mostly Farra demanded we keep our distance. Sib's home is like a beacon for discipline, and it isn't the type of friendship that would keep us out of trouble.
"Leo's girlfriend? Why? I didn't see any old books or scrolls there that could be helpful."
Leo scoffs. "She wishes, but also she's smart enough not to keep that type of information just right out in the open!"
I'm still pacing as they continue to argue.
"Oh right, because her various ancient jars of herbs, and the other thousand different violations I saw in there, were screaming that she's a cautious old woman.
" Farra rolls her eyes, saying something about arguing with a child, which sends Leo into a frenzy as he starts throwing random things.
"Look; I'm not sure why, but I think she has answers and we really don’t have any more leads.
I have to take these books back and I'll keep looking, but otherwise we're just..
. We only have a couple more weeks before we're out on our first assignment, and I feel like we're going in blind.
" I see their worry, so I add: "I'll go by myself.
It makes more sense. We're always together, so if you two make yourselves visible, no one will notice me gone for a few hours.
There's no sense in all of us being put at risk when one can get the job done. "
Leo protests, but it's Farra who cuts him off. "Fat chance. Where you go, we go. We're a team." she says it with such finality I'm left gaping at her.
Leo pipes up instantly, agreeing, "Yeah, what she said."
I swallow a lump in my throat. I think again how strange it feels to have friends like this.
I never felt lonely at home, and maybe I loved my siblings so much I'd never realized I'd been missing other pieces.
Even with Deacon, there was always a sense that I was on my own.
When I asked for help, it often felt like I only created "more" for myself; more feelings to manage, more fires to put out.
The weight had always lain solely with me, and maybe that wasn't anyone's fault, but it was the truth.
I'd never felt like I could share the burden.
To have people I feel I can count on, as much as they can count on me, is an unexpected, overwhelming relief.
Not only that, but I don't need to ask or beg like I sometimes did with Deacon. I don't feel that twirling pit of shame that comes with needing help. The self-loathing that would frequently accompany it.
My instinct to curl in on myself, to carry the weight alone, comes out, and they simply don't let me. Like it was never an option to begin with.
My brow furrows as I think of all the little ways my life has changed since I came here. How I thought it was the end of everything. I'll always cherish my childhood best friend, but this type of friendship feels undeniably different.
They stare at me, probably wondering why I've become so suddenly quiet and misty-eyed. I do the only logical thing I can think to in that moment, which is tackle them both off the bed in the most obnoxious hug I can manage.
I wake the next morning feeling determined, my heart full.
I run the track, not only because I have to, but because I revel now in the way it makes me feel, the strength of my legs taking me faster and further every day.
I am almost skipping to the mess hall for breakfast when I pause, seeing a familiar figure standing in the hallway.
My heart bottoms out, plummeting into my stomach, and I feel as if every muscle in my body locks into place.
"Hey little tree, miss me?" I barely register the familiar cadence of his voice, nothing beyond the pulse pounding in my ears as I stand frozen in the hallway.
"Deacon?"