Chapter 16
I'm staring at my best friend, unable to form a simple sentence. He rushes me, crushing me in a bear hug, picking me off my feet and spinning me around. I push him back, mind racing. I can only think of one logical reason for him being in front of me right now.
"Willow?" my voice cracks, barely contained panic edged with overwhelming dread lacing my words. "Why are you here? Is she...? What happened!?"
I'm yelling and Deacon realizes quickly where my mind's gone.
"Woah woah woah, slow down. No, everyone is fine.
I saw them both yesterday. Willow is fine, if not a little better than I've seen in a while.
The more consistent medication and access to the food stores has been really good for her, for them both, Maple.
Hey, breathe." He's motioning for me to breathe with him and I do, shaking my head with relief as tears fill my eyes.
"Oh, Gods Deacon. I'm sorry, I just assumed. But wait, then why are you here?"
I take him in, like I'm seeing him for the first time. He looks ruffled, his long hair mussed, dark circles under his eyes.
"Wow, as always, you really know how to make a guy feel special, Mae." He laughs, running a hand through his hair.
I give him a confused look, and he sighs.
"I'm here for you, obviously. Hey, listen..." he says pulling me over to the side of the hall. "I hated myself for letting you leave like I did. For letting you leave at all, but also with ummm... without talking about what happened."
My eyebrows shoot up to my forehead, at first in disbelief, but then in utter horror.
I notice the bag he's dropped. The tags in his hand. My disbelief turns into something heavier, filling my gut with blinding worry.
"Tell me you're joking. Tell me you did not join the fucking army so that we could chat about our unfinished business, Deacon."
I'm grinding my teeth down to dust, the ache keeping me grounded. He looks behind me. A small, curious crowd has gathered at the entrance of the mess hall. We're in plain view of all the cadets heading for food.
"Do you think you could save the scolding until we're alone? Also, I'm starving," he says sweetly, as I seethe.
I throw my hands up. Of course he's concerned about making a scene. He doesn't know how it works here. At home, sure, making a scene wouldn't be great, but last week we watched a crew in a full out brawl over lunch because they'd all ended up sleeping together.
I dramatically bow towards him, arms pointing to the mess hall doors in a show we both know means I'm going to rip his head off later.
I walk with him to the front, dutifully grabbing trays and standing in line.
I watch him take in our surroundings as I try to cling to the love I have for him, but the animosity I feel at his stupidity is all-encompassing.
It takes everything in my power not to smack him up the backside of his head with my metal tray in front of every pair of eyes in this room.
Outwardly though? I am calm, collected. Twirling my braided hair absentmindedly. We get our food, and I ignore Deacon's comments about the space, the food, the recent weather. I only offer curt nods.
I see my crew at our usual spot on the left and, although I'd like to avoid it, I drag my oldest friend over to meet them, not that I really have any other option at this point.
Leo's the first to pipe up, which isn't surprising.
"Who's the babe?" he says, as he shamelessly peruses Deacon.
Deacon chuckles, not phased by this type of attention.
"Hi, I'm Deacon, I'm Maple's best friend." He reaches out his hand to shake Leo's, but Leo only stares at it in defiance.
"Impossible. I’m Maple's best friend. Ask anyone. Farra is a close second." He crosses his arms in an attempt to look intimidating, but unfortunately, it only makes him look younger.
Deacon grins. "Sorry, what I meant to say is I'm Maple's oldest friend, from home. But I can see she's made quite the impression on you all by how you're currently staring daggers at me." He notes Berkley, who's possibly the least hostile of them for once.
"Like Deacon, Deacon?" Farra asks me, and I nod.
She cocks her head, "Oh, right, she's mentioned you.
I thought you would be more impressive, honestly.
" She shrugs and keeps eating, and I have to cover my mouth to smother my grin.
For some reason, having Farra not immediately fawn all over Deacon only makes me love her more.
Leo though, has clearly been won over. Deacon has taken a seat across from him and asked where he's from; the conversation already effortless between them.
Apparently, Deacon's passed through Leo's home during one of his trips, so they talk about the little town while eating their food.
I'm silent, picking at my food.
Berkley clears his throat.
"What crew did you get put in?"
My stomach churns again.
"Uhh, someone named Melford? I'm not sure, I gotta go get settled after this."
I don't recognize the name, but Berkley is nodding, "Yeah, I know them. Could be worse; that crew's actually alright."
Berkley assesses him, and I give him a pleading look. He only has two gears, one is ignoring all of us efficiently, and the other is full dad mode. I don't have the energy for full dad mode Berkley right now.
"So, why are you here? From what it sounds like, you didn't have it that bad out there.
" Berkley folds his arms. This has become a bit of an unspoken rite of passage with our group.
It's important... the why. Why someone is here dictates their character.
Leo's fork stops before it can hit his mouth, not wanting to miss Deacon's reply through his own chewing.
I clench my jaw. Dad mode it is. I give him a look as if to say thanks a lot, but he ignores me.
"Well, it's kind of a long story. But to put it simply, Maple and I have been attached at the hip since we were little kids, and I kinda felt like I'd lost a limb when she left.
Thought I'd come keep her safe. Two heads are better than one, and all that.
" He puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze.
My hands ball into fists under the table, nails digging into my skin. I take a deep breath in, and feel my nostrils flare as I try to keep myself calm. Deacon leans towards me with a tentative grin, hoping his reply has softened me to him. It hasn't.
"I will be leaving! See you at Tech!" Tarius practically shouts out of nowhere. He bumps the table sloppily as he rushes to get up and leave.
"Woah, who was that? I didn't even see him sitting there." Deacon is staring at Tarius, who storms awkwardly through the mess hall.
My eyes connect with Farra's.
Leo lets out a slow breath. "Well, now you guys have gone and upset Tarius, somehow."
Farra stands up, completely ignoring Leo.
"Let me show you around. You can unpack and get situated. I'm heading that way, anyway." She leaves no room for alternatives, standing and walking towards the exit.
Deacon's eyes rove over my face in question, and I give him an encouraging nod.
"Go, get sorted out. I'll meet you later."
He takes a deep breath. "OK, but we'll talk?"
I just nod again.
He bends, grabbing his bag and tray, kissing the top of my head briefly before skirting away.
"Yiiiiiikes, that was uncomfortable my friend," Leo cringes.
Berkley snorts. "For once I actually agree with you, kid. That was hard to watch."
My head flops into my hands in sudden exhaustion as I groan my frustration at the table.
"Why, why, why would you join the army because you missed your friend. I don't even know what to do," I say under my breath.
Leo scoots around the end of the table and comes, pulling me towards his shoulder. I take it, leaning into his gentle comfort.
"He's a dumb, dumb boy. One you maybe shouldn't have blue-balled before you left. It hurts, you know." I wind my arm back and punch Leo's leg as hard as I can. He gives a dramatic wail, rubbing it.
"I told you that in confidence," I threaten.
Berkley is failing to hide his amusement as he packs up his things.
The momentary levity is squashed when I remember I'll have to go find Deacon after class.
I wonder if I can get him out. Maybe with whatever family sway he seems to have, he can ask to go home.
I get up, holding on to that small thread of hope as I put my stuff away. Leo stays close to me, giving me a knowing look as I continue to chomp my lip.
I could get him out of here, right? I had begun to revel in the fact that, for the first time in my adult life, I don't really have to take care of anyone every day. The thought makes me feel guilty, but it's the truth.
My relationships here are different. There is no underlying meaning behind actions, or managing emotions.
It is different. Seeing Deacon made me realize how complex our relationship has become over the years, how taxing.
At home, I hadn't been able to truly reflect on the odd dynamics that had been taking place, and there's a pit in the bottom of my stomach as I realize it's all about to change.
"No, no explain this to me again, please. You got my letters, correct?"
I'm pacing my room again, so upset I don't know whether to cry, or scream.
He shakes his head, sighing.
"I already told you Mae, yes, I got your letters." He looks exhausted.
We've been at this for an hour already. Farra had practically run out of the room after we got back from our tech training with the others.
Which only fueled my irritation with Deacon because I was looking forward to that class.
We were working on communication tech in the field, something I may have been good at if I hadn't been completely distracted.
"Ok, so you got my letters. You knew things were ok. Going well, in fact. Yet you took it upon yourself to just come charging in? Without a valid reason, despite being at home, safe."