Chapter 16 #2
"So what, you're the only person allowed to make your own decisions?
The only one allowed to put your life at risk for the people you love?
The Games, the army, only Maple is allowed to do things without question and unwavering support?
" I stare at him, blinking. I feel as if my brain is about to implode.
"What do you mean? Can you honestly not see the difference between me having to make hard choices for the people that are under my direct care, and for you who wanted, what, some adventure?
To be the hero? Your family doesn't need that kind of support, Deacon.
They need you home, safe working with them like you always have.
What if you die? Did you not think about how this will affect everyone? " I wish my voice sounded less shaky.
He looks at me, desperation passing over his features.
"And what if you die? Do you not understand what would happen to Linden or Willow?
Me? I am here because I thought the two of us together, looking out for each other, would have a better chance.
That we've always been a good team. And the thought of leaving things like we left them was killing me, Maple.
" The tears in his eyes make my heart splinter.
"I thought you'd be happy to see me, happy that you'd have help, for once. "
He slumps, leaning himself against the wall on my bed, like this conversation has exhausted him beyond repair. My insides twist. As angry as I am, as much as I want to thrash and yell, I understand the instinct to protect more than most people.
I sit down beside him, the initial rage fading and leaving my own exhaustion in its wake.
"I just wish..." I don't finish my sentence. Anything I say is going to hurt his feelings. And what do I wish? I wish he would've respected my choices, trusted me to ask for help if I needed it. But would I have? Probably not.
Honestly, the real kicker to all this is that I felt a comfort knowing Deacon was around for Linden and Willow. That if something went wrong, they could turn to him. Now they only really have each other, and that thought terrifies me. And Marta, I guess.
Our conversation dies and we begin talking about my siblings, his siblings, things happening in Strayton. I ask a million questions, and some of our familiar banter bubbles back up, despite myself.
"Hey." He uses his foot to kick my own, "I asked Hollis to check in with Linden and Willow while we're away."
I bite the inside of my cheek, my eyes stinging a little. "Thank you," I mumble.
"So, your crew, you guys seem close. You trust them? You haven't known them very long." There's a tinge of judgement in his voice I choose to ignore.
I contemplate his question for a moment. He's right, of course. A couple of months and they've already become like a second family.
"Yeah," I answer easily, smiling.
Deacon nods. I start to talk about our little side project, but stop myself.
I know he would do anything for me––I mean, he's here––but something in my gut says he won't understand.
I hope after a while he'll start to see things for the way they are.
A question pops out of my mouth before I can think better of it.
"Hey, have you been here before?"
He nods. "Yeah, a couple of times. My dad has had meetings here with some of the council members. Why?"
I think, choosing my words carefully, not wanting to disrupt our unspoken truce.
"I was just curious. I thought you'd have mentioned it to me. It's so different here. When I first got here, I was shocked. Kids playing freely in the streets, and everyone looks so much healthier."
I'm baiting him, wondering if he can see the things I do. He doesn't seem to take notice of my question beneath the question.
"Yeah, it was weird at first. Honestly, I know I never really talked about my time on the road.
It was hard to... explain properly. Also, we were told to keep what we saw quiet, anyhow.
" He picks at his nails, examining them like they are the most interesting thing in the room. Then he slaps my leg playfully.
"Well, I know we have a lot more to talk about, but I'm thinking I should go get settled in. My roommate wasn't overly eager to have me, so I should go play nice." He smiles, and I return it, but it feels forced.
Disappointment settles in my bones, and I can't pinpoint what exactly is disappointing me the most, but I try to squash it. We've always been different. It shouldn't surprise me that he thinks differently than me. It shouldn't matter. It doesn't have to mean anything, I tell myself firmly.
He gets up to leave, but I have another question nagging at me.
"How did you get put through the initial testing so fast? You said you'd already been placed in a crew. And that you're in our cohort." I eye him as he pulls his boots on. He says nothing so I continue, "It's just odd. You're going to be behind in more than a few areas."
He barely makes eye contact with me when he answers.
"What, you think I'm going to be a liability or something Mae?
" He says it like a joke, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes.
"I've had some previous training. And I've already done some tech stuff.
They started training groups that are government sanctioned travelers so that the materials we haul are protected. It's why we're allowed firearms."
I look at him. I can tell when he's lying. I can tell when most people are lying. At the very least, he's leaving bits out, and I don't know why. I’m tired though, unwilling to fight any longer, so I let it go.
"Oh, ok. Well, I can help you catch up, too. Leo as well. Farra might take a bit." I chuckle.
Deacon’s laugh is finally honest. "Yeah, I couldn't get a good read on her. During my tour she literally just pointed at things and used one word to describe them. Classroom." He points with a straight face, imitating Farra. I laugh too, thinking about her doing that for me.
"Yeah, she's honestly great. She just takes a bit to warm up." We stand there awkwardly for a second.
Deacon bridges the gap, as usual, always the confident one. We hug for a minute, and he kisses the top of my head before saying he's going to get settled, and then he leaves.
I flop down on my bed, covering my face, and let out a frustrated sigh.
I'm still in this position when someone knocks tentatively.
"Come in," I grumble, without moving. The door opens, and I pop up to see Farra.
"You weirdo, you don't have to knock to come into your own room," I say and Farra laughs.
"I know, but we never really had the talk about romancing childhood sweethearts.
I wanted to be sure I wasn't walking in on you exposed.
" Farra wags her eyebrows suggestively. It's a gesture that looks like it belongs on Leo's face and not hers, and it makes me grin. I flop back down on my bed and groan.
"Get up. I want to show you something."
I sit up and cock an eyebrow at her. Farra walks over and pulls me by the hand. "Just come on ok? Grab your coat."
With that, she struts out the door. I follow, and I'm surprised to see Farra trudging up the stairs, not down.
"What are you doing?" I grumble as my friend hauls ass up the flights of stairs.
"Just come on will you? Gods, you're a pain sometimes," she teases, and I smile, following faster to try and keep up.
I'm out of breath by the time we reach the top. I'm not sure how many floors we just conquered, but I'm surprised at my aching lungs, considering how well I've been doing with morning cardio.
Farra leads us to a ladder and starts climbing. I whisper-yell at her, realizing what she's about to do.
"Once again, what are we doing? We're obviously not allowed up here."
Farra completely ignores me, throwing her shoulder into the circular trapdoor in the ceiling. A thin layer of dust sprinkles down on us, and I blow it out of my face. I follow, loudly cursing her, and mumbling about how no one listens to me.
As I fumble onto the roof, everything goes quiet. It's a loud silence, like a first snowfall. I had forgotten what that sounded like. Our country doesn't really have seasons anymore, let alone snow. But up here, that's the first thing that reaches me, the loud silence. It's peaceful.
I wobble, feeling a bit like I'm about to fall off the edge of the earth, and Farra steadies me.
"Easy. It takes a minute to get used to being this high up." She says as she leads me over to the edge.
There's a thick concrete lip around the edge of the roof, but it's not that high, and I hesitate.
Farra leans over the edge, a look of total calm washing over her face.
I look out and suck in a breath. It's unlike anything I've ever seen.
From up here, the city looks serene, bathed in the evening glow.
I can see far beyond the walls. The training compound is already on the peak of the highest hill in The Centre.
I hadn't noticed before, but the city is set in a round valley, like someone subtly scooped out the earth with a spoon.
Our view seems endless. The rolling landscape shimmers as dust floats over it in swirls.
It is beautiful from up here. You'd hardly know how suffocating life can feel beyond the walls.
Do people here even know how it feels? I watch as the dust gently catches on everything: the hills, the far-off buildings, The Centre walls, the dark silhouettes of dead trees spattered everywhere beyond them. I let out a breath.
Farra bumps my shoulder. "There she is."
I look at her, studying my friend. "What?"
Farra frowns a little. "I haven't seen you take a full breath all day."
I put my head in my hands, palms massaging my eyes. "That obvious?" I ask, kind of embarrassed. I hate feeling vulnerable, especially with an audience. Hate seeming out of control. But Farra's answer is gentle.
"No, not to everyone, but I could tell." She waits then for an explanation.
"It’s amazing up here. How did you find it?"
Farra smirks a little at my obvious change of subject.
"My brother, actually. Said he used to sneak up on the men's dorms to hide away from everything." Her face has a look of contentment, but it's laced with something else guilt, or maybe regret.
"He was so different before. It's hard to think about him now. I want to figure out what happened to him, what keeps happening to everyone."
My gaze locks onto the rolling plains.
"We will," I reply, and mean it.
"And Deacon? I'm assuming he's going to be let in on our little extra-curricular activities?"
I look at Farra through squinted eyes; the emerald green of her gaze lighting up in the waning light.
"I honestly don’t know. Not for right now, at least. Deacon has lived a very different life than I have. I'm not sure he's going to understand why we're taking the risks."
Farra raises her eyebrows.
"He might. I just don't know for sure. He seems to buy into the Council’s crap more than us. His family also works closely with the government. They run the junkyard for our town and travel district to district, so I feel like he has a completely different experience than most."
Guilt thickens in my throat. I shouldn't be saying anything about Deacon.
He is my oldest friend, loyal and loving, and I'm sitting here bashing him.
"He's a good person, honestly. I just don’t want to overwhelm him right now, and I'm a little worried about his reaction.
We can wait until I'm sure he'll be on board.
I'm sure he will." I add it all a little too quickly, unsure of who I'm trying to convince.
Farra nods, searching my face for something more.
We stand for a minute, enjoying the silence.
"There’s honestly nothing to tell at this point.
What do we even know? That history has been changed.
.. maybe? Details like the compass being altered over time, we don’t know anything about the crews or civilians going missing, nothing concrete about the barrier, or if any of it is related," she says, trying to comfort me.
I agree. There's nothing to tell. If there was something ofc note to share, I would tell him then, and he would understand.
After some time, I break the silence. "You know, I'm beginning to think you're not really a rule follower at all, you little rebel. I'm positive this is breaking like five cadet trainee codes." I snicker at her, and she snorts.
We're heading inside when Farra says, "Please don’t tell Leo about this place. It's bad enough he treats our room like his personal crash pad. I need one sacred spot where I don’t have to hear his incessant chatter."
Laughing, we head back down to our room.