Chapter 43
forty-three
Rosalie
Idon’t mean the words. The moment they flew out, I wanted to suck them back in and pretend they didn’t happen.
I’d woken up only minutes before to the sound of happy squeals and male voices talking in my living room.
It took me a minute to orient when I woke, but a look at the clock told me it was late morning, almost noon, and I was still in bed.
But then, the morning came flooding back to me.
Waking up to Cam’s note, sharing snuggles with both girls, donuts and jokes—and chocolate milk seeping into every page of my mom’s book.
I vaguely remember collapsing to the floor, but it’s the memory of Cam’s words You’re scaring the girls that rang in my ears and had me rising from the bed to go check on them. I didn’t want Paige or Addie to think something was wrong with me, or worse, I was mad at them.
However, when I opened the door, I was caught off guard by the sight of everyone leaving.
When Paige ran toward me and acted as if I was just sick, my confusion grew.
Then I caught sight of Beck, and my confusion morphed into mortification.
What did he know? Had Cam told him what happened?
He only mentioned he hoped I felt better, maybe that was just a cover.
Either way, I know I had to look like complete shit.
So, I turned around and climbed back into bed to let the devastation of losing my mom’s book, the shame of scaring the two most precious girls in my life with my reaction, and the mortification of someone I’ve barely just begun to know seeing me like this, swirl around into a mixture of emotions that had me, once again, breaking down.
And that’s where Cam found me, mid-breakdown.
How many times is he going to want to deal with me like this?
He had the strength to move forward after Julianne passed away, and I sure as hell haven’t seen him break down like I just did. Rationally, I know there’s no comparison, but I feel weak, and I hate myself for not being able to control myself better.
He had to lie to Paige and Addie so they wouldn’t be afraid of what was happening to me earlier.
I’m a mom who couldn’t even function past the paralysis of my grief. What would have happened had he not been here, and it was just Paige who spilled on the book?
That thought, combined with the fact I just told the man who literally carried me through this morning’s ordeal and made sure the girls were okay, has me sobbing even harder at the stupidity of my words.
I feel the comforter being pulled back as Cameron’s big body slides in behind mine. He didn’t listen. He didn’t leave.
In fact, he moved closer, and I’ve never been more grateful.
An arm slides under my body while the other comes over the top, and Cameron hauls me back into him. His grip is tight. The anguish he feels for me bleeds through the cocoon of his arms.
“I’m not going anywhere, Rosie. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
It’s a shitty, shitty club to be in, but I truly believe our paths were meant to cross, and the pain I endured when I lost Julianne prepared me to comfort you at times like this, to show unwavering understanding, and to love you through it.
Please don’t push me away because I think loving every aspect of you through this, and beyond, might be what I was always destined to do. ”
His voice is choked as he says these words, and I can feel how desperately he needs me to hear them, but I’m still feeling too much to face him.
I overlap his arms with my own and give him my truth.
“I don’t know how to move on without her.
Opening that book was like having a little piece of her still here with me.
It was in the cadence of the way she wrote, the little nuances thrown in here and there.
I could hear her speaking the words directly to me, even if she was writing them to someone else.
It was in the never-ending positivity, even in letters discussing her most difficult days.
It was in the humor where I could see her smile so vividly in my mind, and even hear her laugh.
It was in the memories she shared of the two of us.
And now that it’s gone, the finality of her death just hit me. ”
I feel Cameron kiss the back of my head and burrow his face into my hair. Something about the tenderness of the action after such an emotionally draining statement has me relaxing into his hold.
Cam takes a deep breath, and I know he’s preparing to say something important.
“Rosalie, I’m going to tell you something my counselor told me after Julianne died, but before I start, I need you to know even after he shared this with me, it took me a lot longer to put it into practice.
So, please don’t expect what I’m about to say to work miracles, but simply having the information allowed me to slowly reframe my grief. ”
“Okay.” The word is blown out on a weary breath.
“Your mom is never truly gone. Yes, she’s in the memories you hold dear and the photos of the past you have stashed away, but she’s also in the present.
She’s in the flowers in the garden or her favorite flavored tea on the shelf at the store.
She’s in a mannerism you see in yourself, or a moment you parent Paige in the way she parented you.
She’s in a splash of her favorite color you see in a piece of art or a shirt on a rack you know she’d wear.
She’s in the present, Rosie, and she’ll be in the future.
Right now, you see those things, and the loss overwhelms you, and rightfully so.
But, what if, in the future, each time you see those bits and pieces of her throughout the day, you reframe it as your mom reaching out from beyond to remind you she’s still with you.
No matter how long she’s physically gone from your life, she’ll never truly be gone.
She’ll be alive in even the most minute reminders of every day for as long as you live. ”
Silent tears track down my face as I soak in what Cameron’s saying. The fact that it makes sense has me feeling like I’m moving in the right direction. At least for today.
I wiggle free to loosen myself in his hold and turn over in his arms so we’re face to face. Reaching my hands up between our bodies, I cup his jaw and give him a soft kiss. It’s tender and it lingers, the intimacy of this moment sealed between us.
“Thank you,” I murmur against his lips before pulling back, but before I can go too far, he palms my face and tips my head down, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.
“You never have to thank me for loving you. Words of wisdom are just part of the package.”
This makes me smile, something I didn’t think would happen today, but Cameron has a way of willing it into existence.
I slowly untangle myself and sit up cross-legged on the bed. There’s one more thing I need to discuss before I can move forward from this day.
Cam follows my lead but has a slightly furrowed brow as he studies my face.
“I scared the girls. I don’t remember much from this morning, but I remember you saying I scared our girls.” My voice is tight as I swallow a lump in my throat.
“You did,” Cameron says with a soft hesitance.
I’m glad he didn’t hide it from me in an effort to protect my feelings, but it still stings. I could feel it in Paige’s crushing hug and the uncertain wave Addison gave me from Beck’s arms before they left.
“I told them your donut must have made you sick, and it was so painful you couldn’t stand. I told them you were crying because it hurt so badly. Honestly, I’m unsure if they believed me, but it was enough to redirect them back to the bedroom and for me to call Beck to come get them for the day.”
“Thank you for figuring out a way to protect their feelings and keep them calm, while also dealing with me. You’re an incredible man, and I don’t deserve you.
But Paige and Addie do deserve to hear the truth from me.
It’s important for me to be honest with them about what happened, so, heaven forbid, something like this happens to them, they don’t feel a need to hide it away or make excuses for their reactions.
I want them to grow up knowing their emotions are meant to be shared, and there is strength in owning them. ”
“I think that’s very brave of you, when you’re ready.”
“I also think it’s time for me to see a counselor.”
Cam’s eyes hold a hopeful edge. He hasn’t been pushy about it at all, letting me come to this conclusion on my own, but I can tell he feels like it would be beneficial.
“You’re so wise,” I say, reaching out to pat his cheek.
He catches my wrist and kisses the inside of my palm.
“Damn right I am,” he says with the cocky smile I love so much before lowering our hands and intertwining our fingers.
I laugh. “You are. But I need to build my own wisdom around this and not rely on you every time something like this happens.”
He opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.
“I know you’d be there for me every single moment of every single day, and I love you so much for that, but it’s my grief, and I need someone to help me process it in a way that’s best for me.
I mean, I cried over spilled milk today and scared our kids.
I think it’s well past time I talk to someone.
” It’s said with forced lightheartedness because the image of my mom’s book soaked in chocolate milk has my chest tightening again, only furthering my resolve to take the next steps to help myself through this process.
Cameron leans forward, scooping me up and placing me in his lap. He tucks what I’m sure is a wayward strand of hair behind my ear and kisses me, pulling back only long enough to say he’s proud of me before closing the distance once more and deepening the kiss.
I move to straddle his lap and wrap my arms around his neck, twining my fingers in his hair. After this morning, I need this kind of closeness, this intimacy, but before things can get too far, I hear Cam’s phone ring from the living room.
He groans and shifts me off him.
“It might be Beck. I need to grab that.”
I follow him out to the living room and catch a glance at the screen before he picks it up, and my heart rate picks up.
Cameron answers the phone on speaker.
“Hey, man, is everything all right?”
Beck’s panicked voice fills the speakers, and my heart begins to race.
“Cam, man, I’m so sorry. I promise I was watching them. I told them so many times not to run around the pool, but Addie slipped on the drain cover and hurt her wrist. We’re on our way to the ER now to get X-rays.” His voice quiets almost to a whisper. “But I can tell without them it’s broken.”