Chapter 24
Tori
Icould tell it was coming before the words even left my mouth. Before the afterglow had faded and before Kai had brushed my hair off my cheek like I was … precious.
That did it.
It wasn't the sex — though, my God, it had been soft, slow and terrifying in its own right. Not the way he kissed me, as if we had all the time in the world. Not even the way he whispered my name as if it meant something.
No, it was the look he gave me afterward.
Kai was looking at me like he’d already chosen me, and suddenly panic slammed into me so hard I thought I might throw up.
I sat up too fast, pulling the sheet with me. “Kai—”
His brows knitted instantly and he propped himself up on his elbow. “Hey. Y’alright?”
I shook my head as though it would somehow make me think clearer.
No. No, I was not fucking alright.
“I can’t do this.” I choked on the words.
He froze like someone had hit pause on him and I forced the rest out before I lost my nerve.
“I can’t do this with you. I can’t…” My throat closed. “You’re leaving. You’re leaving, Kai. Once the end of the semester comes and football is over, you’re going back to Australia, and I— I can’t survive that.”
His chest rose and fell slowly, like he was trying to keep from startling me.
“Tori…”
“I mean it.” My voice cracked and I untangled myself from the sheets, almost frantic now. “I can’t let myself … I can’t fall for someone who’s going to leave. This isn’t working for me anymore.”
When I half-tumbled out of bed, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, fully facing me. The sheets slipped down as he held his hands up, almost like he was trying to calm a scared animal.
The moonlight falling through his window cast a dim light on his thick muscles, and his hair was still messy from my hands. He looked wrecked and determined.
Then he started moving, but he didn’t grab me; he merely stepped forward until I had to look up at him.
“Tori,” he pleaded, “that’s not what’s happening here.”
I backed up a step, but he followed cautiously, matching me inch for inch until my back hit the wall. My breath caught in my chest as I stared up at him. He was so impossibly big, his broad back shielding me from the light.
What if it could shield me from other things, too?
Kai’s hands came up and braced themselves on either side of my head, caging me in without touching me. He was all warmth and strength.
“Kai—”
I shook my head, trying to avert my gaze, but he wouldn't allow it.
“Look at me,” he snarled. “It’s too late for that.”
Suddenly, his voice was not at all like sunshine. It was molten heat and fiercely certain.
My heart crawled up my throat and I tried to force the words out — any words — but they wouldn’t come.
Kai towered over me, pinning me in place with his gaze and surrounding me until all I felt, saw and smelled was him. And all without ever touching me.
“You think you get to decide this by yourself?” he growled. “You think you’re the only one who’s scared?”
He lowered his head until our foreheads almost touched.
“I’m in this. With you. You don’t get to pretend I’m not. ”
My knees nearly buckled and the pricking sensation behind my eyes was back.
“Kai…”
He needed to understand. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him. Fuck, I wanted him more than probably anything I’ve ever wanted in my life and it was precisely why I needed to pull the ripcord now.
I’d still be shattered when he eventually left, but I’d pick up the pieces and glue myself back together somehow. If I allowed this to continue though, if I fell even harder and deeper, there would be no coming back from it.
Kai swallowed hard, his eyes dark and unblinking, intensely focused on me. “I’m not walking away from you. I’m not letting you push me out because you’re terrified of what you feel.”
I shook my head helplessly. “You don’t understand. I shouldn’t want this. I can’t want you.”
“But you do,” he determined quietly.
I did.
He’d snuck his way inside my heart and now he was about to steal it, to just take it with him, leaving me behind with a gaping hole in my chest.
I tensed when he finally touched me. Just one hand sliding to my jaw, his calloused thumb brushing lightly over my cheekbone like he was memorizing it.
“And I’m not leaving you,” he whispered. “Not unless you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut so tightly, flashes of light exploded behind my closed lids.
I couldn’t say it. Not without lying, not without shattering into a million tiny pieces, not even my determination would be able to put me back together again.
“Tori.” His voice was nothing but a soft whisper, drowning in emotion. “Look at me.”
I obeyed without even wanting to, as if I’d never had a choice … and it fucking ruined me.
Kai looked at me like the answer mattered, like I mattered.
“I’m not trying to trap you. I’m telling you I’m choosing you. I’m all in for as long as you’ll have me.”
I dragged in a shaky breath, trying to keep a clear head.
“Why are you— why do you have to be so … relentless?” I whispered.
Finally, he bent his head enough to press his forehead against mine gently, and it made my eyes sting even more.
“Because it’s you,” he murmured. “You’re worth fighting for.”
A raw whimper escaped me, making me want to clap a hand over my mouth in embarrassment. His thumb brushed my lips; the tender expression on his face sent a pang through my chest.
“I’m not your past. I’m not gonna disappear on you.”
“You can’t know that. You’re leaving.”
“I do,” he replied simply. “Because everything in me wants you. All of you, like I’ve never wanted anything before. Not just the physical stuff. Not just the easy stuff.”
Kai’s voice dropped even lower and if his face hadn’t been inches from mine, I wouldn’t have been able to hear him.
“You,” he rasped. “I want you.”
My vision blurred, and I blinked rapidly, looking up at the ceiling.
I hated the fact that he could do this to me.
I hated that he meant it.
I hated how badly I wanted to believe him, to the point of physical pain.
“I can’t lose you,” I whispered, my hands sliding up to his chest of their own accord. His heart thundered beneath my palms.
“You’re not.” Kai pleaded with me, cupping my jaw in his hand. “I’m right here.” His mouth brushed the corner of mine, barely touching. “I’m not going anywhere. We can make this work, we just have to want it. There is a way.”
My whole body trembled as a maelstrom of fear and desire swirled in the pit of my stomach, all tangled up into something I couldn’t name. He stayed there, his forehead pressed against mine, breathing with me until my pulse steadied.
Once again, he showed me he wasn’t taking and wasn’t pushing. He was always just there — for me and with me — and that, more than anything, was why I was so terrified.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
I nodded slowly. “I want you. And if you think…” I blew out a breath. “If you think there’s a way for us, I … I want to believe you.”
He crushed his lips to mine. “Thank God,” he groaned against my lips, the words almost swallowed by our kiss.
We broke apart, breathing heavily. “Don’t let me down.”
“Never,” he vowed.
I wasn’t just falling anymore, I was fucking gone.