Chapter Five #3
a week and get nothing out of it.
“Of course,” William replied. “Whether Mr. Knight takes my
assessment or not is up to him.”
This was too easy. Mal couldn’t help but feel like this was
some kind of trap. “And what is your assessment?”
“You’re perfectly fit for work. You won’t have any problems
fulfilling your duties. I would actually say you would make an excellent
operative. I would clear you for fieldwork. You won’t have a crisis of
conscience when it comes to doing the hard work.”
Killing. Hurting someone. “You think I’m cold?”
William sat back. “I think all you care about at this point
is your work and your pride. In a lot of ways that makes you the perfect
operative. You’ll follow orders and won’t be burdened by the collateral
damage.”
The words fucking hurt. Was he really this man? It wasn’t
how he saw himself. He’d been a soldier for most of his life at this point, and
never once had he coldly fulfilled a mission. He’d made choices, but they had
been about what was best, not merely what he was told.
“Malcolm, not getting your heart broken again isn’t a good
life goal to build your world around.”
Mal closed his eyes, his gut rolling. Was that true? Did he
only care about his pride and work? Sometimes it seemed like that was all he
could count on, all that he had, but what if he was the problem? What had
Vivian said? His rules weren’t truly there to protect the subs he took. They
were there to protect him. Did he want to live the rest of his life locked
away?
It was tempting to think about joining MI6 and going deep.
He wouldn’t have to care about anything but the mission, the next part of
whatever plan he was given. He could become a weapon again. A tool to be used.
Or he could be brave and find another way to live.
“It’s all right, Malcolm,” William said, sympathy plain in
his tone. “You know your limits and you’re not ready.”
When would he be ready? He wasn’t ready when the most
gorgeous sub in the world fell into his arms. Every time he started to think he
might see if she wanted to get tea or coffee, Andrea called or something
reminded him of what a fool he’d been.
“I didn’t love her.” The words sounded hoarse coming from
his mouth. “Andrea, that is. She didn’t break my heart. I fell into bed with
her. At the time I thought it was a bad decision made on a slightly drunk
night. Then she told me she was pregnant. I did what I was taught to do.”
“Take responsibility.” William’s voice was soft, like he was
worried anything louder might scare Mal off.
“Yes. I married her and then was deployed for a year. When I
got home, I met what I thought was my son. I did love him.” He could remember
holding that child in his hands, staring at him as he yawned and looked like a
little lion. His future. That was what he’d held. At least he thought that
child was his future.
William was quiet for a moment. “Heartbreak comes in many
forms. Have you considered that what you’re feeling isn’t anger. It’s grief. I
understand the anger is there. You were betrayed by the people who were
supposed to love you. You lost them all.”
Mal shook his head. There had always been a distance between
him and his family. “I always knew Mum favored Bryce. We had two different
fathers. They both left her, but she preferred Bryce’s.”
“Did she know Christopher wasn’t yours?”
A familiar bitterness welled inside him. “Yes. I think she
was the one who suggested the plan to marry me after Bryce left Andrea the
first time. The truth of the matter is I spent maybe three months total living
with her and Christopher. Andrea was the one who wanted me to deploy again.
Better pay. I thought that was it. Instead, it was because Bryce was back. She
got pregnant again, and I knew it couldn’t be mine.”
“That must have been difficult.”
Mal shrugged. He didn’t like remembering the time, but he
knew he’d been quick and decisive about handling it. “Looking back, it wasn’t.
I immediately filed for a paternity test for Christopher and then filed for
divorce.”
“Mal, you thought he was your son,” William said, sounding
slightly confused. “This is what I’m talking about. You suffered that loss, but
you won’t let yourself feel it. It’s not going to go away. No matter how deep
you bury it or how long you tell yourself it doesn’t matter, it will still be
there. It will be a rock that drags you down for the rest of your life. How
much are you willing to give away for the sake of your pride? How many years
will you allow to slip away? How many people who might be good for you will you
push away?”
Something cracked inside him. Something dark and deep.
Something he lied about. Lied to himself.
Malcolm sat back and did what he hadn’t done in years.
He let himself feel.
* * * *
“Damon doesn’t think I’m ready. It’s so obvious. He
was being polite when he said I could take a case.” Vivian sat across from her
brother and sister-in-law and tried not to show how much it hurt.
They were at a small café that a lot of the MTK employees
ate at for lunch when it wasn’t catered in. She’d made sure they were the only
ones around before she started laying out her sad life.
Her life had become an endless cycle of sessions, studying
PhD programs, and avoiding Malcolm Mays. The last part was distressingly easy
to do since he had zero interest in being in a room with her any longer than he
had to be.
It hurt more than it should.
“I could punch him,” her sister-in-law said. Kala Taggart
hadn’t changed her last name when she married into the family. She said when
they eventually took over the company, she wanted to be the Taggart in
McKay-Taggart. “He’s getting fluffy around the middle. Soft.”
Damon Knight was anything but soft. “I think we can skip the
part where you punch him. It wouldn’t change his mind.”
That was the problem. She thought Damon had made up his mind
and nothing she did could change it.
Kala shrugged like violence was her idea, and she wasn’t
going to come up with another.
The gorgeous couple were on their way to an assignment in
Greece. They were providing logistics and tactical support for an op their CIA
team was running. They’d used their layover in London to sneak in a quick
visit. Thankfully, Lucy was off on an assignment. All she’d had to listen to
was Kala and Sosa trade jabs that seemed to weirdly please both of them. Like
those two spoke a language no one else understood.
She’d gotten some of the gossip the night before over wine
and pizza. Kala had told her stories about The Hideout and all the craziness
going on there. It had been good to hear from home.
But she’d also realized she didn’t belong at The Hideout
anymore.
“I looked over the cases, and I kind of agree with him,”
Cooper offered. “There was a reason he turned them down in the first place.”
She hoped the hurt didn’t show on her face. The last thing
she wanted was to make her brother feel bad. He was only being honest with her.
Kala frowned. “I can punch him, too.”
She always had a sister’s back. And Kala was always honest.
“Do you agree with him?”
Her expression shuttered. “I wouldn’t know.”
Vivian rolled her eyes. Kala and Coop were halves of a
whole. If one knew something, the other did, too. She was sure they’d talked
about this. They’d had lunch with the Knights yesterday, and if the group
hadn’t discussed her, Vivian would eat her shoes. “Are you honestly telling me
you didn’t look at the files I sent?”
Kala sighed. “I’m trying to be a good sister-in-law.”
“Treat me like you would Kenzie.” Vivian leaned in. “In this
case kindness isn’t going to help me. I have decisions to make, and I need the
truth.”
Something about seeing her brother and Kala all happy and
settled, knowing so many happy couples back at home, made her realize she
wasn’t going to find her soul mate here. If she couldn’t have love or the job
she wanted, it might be time to start a new chapter.