Chapter Seven #2
“Sami wanted to check all the computers in our flat,” Sophy
admitted. “She needed to make sure he hadn’t left anything behind that he could
use. The asshole.”
“I don’t even know it was real. He could have been lying.”
She’d thought she hid this humiliation, but it seemed everyone knew.
“Sami told me she found it and made sure he hadn’t forwarded
it. She had Louisa check to make sure she hadn’t missed anything,” Sophy said.
Vivian felt like she was going to be sick. At least she thought
it had been kept to this side of the ocean. “Lou knows?”
Louisa Taggart was the tech goddess of the CIA team they
worked with a lot. She was married to her sister-in-law’s cousin TJ Taggart. If
Lou knew then Kala might know. Lou was Kala’s best friend since they were kids.
“Hey, I only know because Sami needed access. My uncle is a
vault. He never mentioned it to me. And Lou wouldn’t tell. Even if she told
Kala, it wouldn’t be a problem. Well, not for you. Tarquin would suddenly have
a massive problem and a boot shoved up his ass.”
“Kala will tell my brother. And then my parents will know
how stupid I was.” Why had she thought she would be able to hide it?
“How were you stupid? Vivi, I need you to think about what
you would say if this was me. If I was the one sitting here feeling ashamed of
something I had no control over.”
She knew what Sophy was doing. Sophy had learned it from
her. “I need to feel this. I can’t turn my emotions on a dime. Soph, I
understand logically that I did nothing wrong. I was in a relationship that
felt loving and happy. I’m the victim here, but I don’t know a lot of victims
who don’t feel this in the beginning, and if I don’t work through it, it sits
inside me.”
Sophy’s eyes rolled, and she sank back. “Sometimes I wish
you didn’t know so much about therapy. Have you talked to Ariel about it?”
She was silent.
Sophy sat up. “So you know you need to work through this,
but you—the therapist—hasn’t talked to her therapist about it. Have you talked
to Mal? Are you at least working through it with him? Not the best therapy
since that dude is fucked up, but something is better than nothing at all.”
Vivian didn’t want to admit this, but it was the truth. “Mal
and I don’t talk. We have a D/s relationship and that is all.”
Sophy’s eyes went glassy, and she was quiet for a moment.
“Do you hate me?”
Vivian stood and joined her best friend on the couch. “Why
would I hate you?”
“Because I introduced you to him. Because he was part of my
world,” Sophy said softly.
She reached for Sophy’s hand. Never in a million years would
she think Sophy’s brain would go there. “Of course not. You didn’t know. You
actually told me he was a playboy and I should be careful. You warned me.”
“You’re not being yourself, and I’m worried about you. This
is not how you would tell anyone to work through things,” Sophy pointed out.
“This feels like you’re punishing yourself and maybe me because you won’t talk
to me.”
She’d truly screwed this up. It seemed to be all she could
do lately. “I wasn’t talking to you about it because I hoped you never had to
know. I’m feeling a lot of shame right now, but it’s getting better. I’ve cried
a lot. That’s helped. It doesn’t feel like punishment. The D/s part. It feels
like freedom. I know my family would say he’s too old for me, too rough. But
he’s exactly what I’ve needed these last few weeks.”
“Is he good for you?” Sophy asked. “I’m not saying he hasn’t
tried, but it feels like you’re pulling away from me. From everyone but him.
You stopped going over cases at night. I know you’re thinking about leaving.”
“That has nothing to do with you. I’m in a restless place,”
Vivian admitted. “I love you, but I’m not sure where I want to be. Please don’t
worry about me. Mal is nothing more than stress relief. It’s a mutually
beneficial scratch each other’s itches kind of relationship.”
Sophy’s frown deepened. “Which is why I’m worried about you.
This isn’t like you. Were you so in love with Tarquin that he broke you?”
“I wasn’t in love with Tarquin. I liked him, but it wasn’t
love. It hurt to hear he wasn’t serious about me because I thought we were
giving it a real chance, but I walked away easily.” Far more easily than she’d
walked away from Mal. Tarquin hadn’t haunted her. Tarquin hadn’t caused her to
look at every Dom she met and find him wanting because he wasn’t Malcolm.
Sophy sighed, an exasperated sound. “Then I don’t
understand. Vivi, this isn’t you.”
She knew she wasn’t acting like her normal, reasonable self.
“Maybe I need to be someone else for a while.”
Sophy was quiet for a moment. “Do you truly want to leave?”
“I don’t know.” Some days it felt like fate. Others she
wanted to stay. There were days when she wanted nothing more than to put her
hand in Mal’s and ask him to take her to dinner. To be normal with him. Then
she remembered how she’d felt that first night. How her heart would break when
Mal found someone he really wanted. “I’m feeling a bit lost. Things aren’t
working out the way I hoped for.”
Sophy’s eyes narrowed. “Is this the stuff with Damon?”
“He told me he would give me a shot, but he won’t.” She’d
stopped bringing in cases. It was only taking up her time.
“This has to be the whole two big brothers, little sister
miracle child thing.” Sophy stood and stared at her.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’ve had it easy. You were the miracle child
your parents hadn’t even dreamed of. You were adored by them and two big
brothers. You came here to see who you could be on your own, and now you’re
packing up the first time you have some trouble.”
Vivian was confused and hurt. Sophy had never talked to her
this way before. “Uhm, you’re the only child of a billionaire. I assure you I’m
not spoiled the way you were.”
“Ah, but no amount of being spoiled can prepare you for
being twelve and facing death.” Sophy looked determined. “Money is helpful when
you’re sick, but it doesn’t solve all problems. I had to get through it. I
didn’t have a choice. It was get through or die, and I did it the whole time
while trying not to show how scared I was because my mom and dad couldn’t
handle another ounce of stress. But I had you. Do you remember what you said?”
Sophy’s words were making her feel shame again. She
remembered those days. What Sophy went through was horrible, and she hadn’t
faltered. “I said you were the strongest person I knew and you would get
through.”
Sophy took her hand. “You promised to never leave me. And we
both promised if I got through it, we wouldn’t let anything stand in our way.
Not fear or shame. Not boys. Not ourselves. I love you, Vivi. You are the
sister I never had, and that’s why I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t
try.”
“You don’t think I’m trying?” It felt like she tried every
day, and she wasn’t getting anywhere.
Sophy held her hand like she was afraid Vivian would
disappear if she didn’t. “I think everyone is settling down, and you’re scared
you’ll be left behind. I mean Kala and Cooper are married. We all knew Tash
would get married, but Kala? TJ got his head out of his ass and finally married
Lou. Travis graduated from law school. Who thought that would happen? And you
are working on a PhD in an amazing city and you’re acting like you’re failing.”
“I just found out a man I trusted took video of me and you
wonder why I think I’m failing?” It felt like everything was falling apart and
she was trying to hold it together so her parents never had to know how stupid
she’d been. She’d managed to hide the fact that her college boyfriend cheated
on her. They thought William had been an amusing sidetrack. She’d brushed off
the breakup with Tarquin. They’d only met him once.
What would they say if they knew about Mal?
Sophy finally let go and sat back. “I think you’re failing