Chapter Seven #3
because you’re giving up on yourself. You think it’s easier to lock people in
boxes so you don’t have to get hurt again, but life comes with pain. You know
that.”
“I’m not putting Mal in a box,” Vivian argued. “He told me.
He said he didn’t want anything but D/s.”
“Eighteen months ago,” Sophy countered.
“No. Three months ago.” Why hadn’t she talked to Sophy about
this? She used to tell Sophy everything. Sometime in the last six months a
distance had grown between them. Vivian hated that distance. And she hated that
she might need it.
“And is that still what he wants? Have you asked him?”
She didn’t talk to Mal about things beyond work and D/s.
They didn’t date or sit around watching shows. They had sessions and then she
left. She’d never fallen asleep in his arms. It was perfunctory.
Damn. Was she punishing herself? Was she punishing Mal for
rejecting her?
“Thank the universe. I needed to see that look on your face
again,” Sophy said with quiet resolve.
She wasn’t sure what look her best friend was talking about.
Maybe the look she had when she realized how foolish she was being. Or how
cruel she was being. To herself. To Mal.
“I don’t want to stop,” she admitted quietly. “I guess I
thought if I kept it quiet, I wouldn’t have to.”
“You don’t have to,” Sophy insisted. “You do not have to
justify this relationship to anyone but yourself. But I think you need to
figure out why you’re truly doing it. You can’t keep blaming yourself.”
She’d thought she would find some peace here tonight, but
now she worried she wouldn’t be able to shut her brain down the way she
normally would. “I always pick the wrong men. I always pick the ones who betray
me. I don’t know why. My parents are practically perfect now. I know they had
trouble in the past, but they worked through it. They never stopped loving each
other. I can’t find anyone like that. Mal will break my heart, but I want this
time with him. It’s the only time I feel free. I don’t want to let him go.”
“You’re the only one who put you in a cage,” Sophy said, the
words feeling like an accusation. “You know that, right? Even if your parents
found out about what happened with Tarquin, they wouldn’t blame you. You’re the
only one blaming yourself.”
She nodded. “I know. It’s hard to let go. I would tell most
patients that if something happens time and time again, they should look
inward. I understand that this is probably something in me that keeps going
wrong. I have to ask myself if I’m using Mal.”
If the problem kept happening, then she was likely the
problem.
“Or they should try something new, like instead of hooking
up with little boys, they should try to build something with a real man who
knows he’s got problems and is working on them.” Sophy took a sip of her wine.
The bartender wasn’t here yet, so she’d poured for herself. They weren’t formal
at Dominion.
William insisted that Mal was being open and honest in
sessions. They didn’t talk about what was said, just that William believed Mal
was making great progress.
She wasn’t being fair to him.
He wanted to kiss her. At least he said he did, but if she
let him, it would be something else. Something she wasn’t ready for. Something
that couldn’t work.
“I thought you said Malcolm was troubled,” Vivian pointed
out.
“We’re all troubled. No matter how happy we look on the
outside, we all have something that makes us ache. At least he’s trying, and
you made that happen. Please be as kind to yourself as you were to him. You
came here to prove something. Don’t stop now that it’s gotten hard.”
“Vivian.”
Vivian’s heart threatened to seize. Mal was here. He stood
not ten feet away. “Mal, how long have you been there?”
His face was grim, but it usually was. “Just finished up.
I’m learning a lot about maintenance. Derek is a good plumber, but he can’t
drop everything when the loo explodes. It’s up to me to learn.”
Sophy seemed to relax. “Shouldn’t Ollie be learning? It is
his club. He points that out all the time.”
Mal’s head shook. He looked good in well-worn jeans and a
T-shirt. Lickable good. Fuckable good.
She was sexualizing him. Constantly.
“I wouldn’t allow Ollie near anything we want to keep
functioning. He might be excellent at stealing secrets from foreign
governments, but he can barely work a microwave, much less fix one,” Mal said.
“Are you two playing tonight? Is there anything I can set up for you?”
She wanted to say there was no need to pretend around Sophy
or anyone now since Sosa had a big mouth. She stood. “I think we should talk.”
Mal nodded. “I think we should. I hoped you were coming
tonight. I set something up for you in the conference room.”
She was confused. No one used the conference room here
except for the board of directors, but she stood, ready to follow him. It would
be private there. They could do this in peace.
She didn’t want to let him go, but it wasn’t fair to him.
Sophy stood, too. She leaned in and whispered. “You don’t
have to make decisions tonight.”
But she did.
It was time to let him go.