Chapter Eight
I have to ask myself if I’m using Mal.
Those words hurt. They hurt like hell, and there was a part
of Mal that wanted to rage at her, to point out how she’d used him and
humiliated him. That part of him wanted to accuse her of being like all the
rest, just a woman out for herself.
Old Mal would have done exactly that.
New Mal had stood there, and his heart felt like breaking.
He hadn’t known her for more than a few months, and he’d spent some of that
time trying to look like he was avoiding her. Trying to make sure he didn’t
seem like a creepy stalker who lived for the sound of her voice, who listened
in when her friends told stories about her. They talked about how fun-loving
she was, how vibrant and kind. Vivian was in a bad place. He didn’t understand
all of it, but he knew the last thing she needed was more guilt.
So he chucked his plans for a super-hot private scene and
went straight to part B. He’d planned two things tonight, and only one of them
was sex. It was time to start acting like her Dom, and that meant taking
control when it came to things that hurt her. He’d already set it up in the
conference room. It was going to be a task for her after she was happily in
subspace, but it looked like they were going to start on the serious stuff
early.
They’d been able to keep things quiet in the club by using
privacy rooms or playing before or after the regular opening hours. Not that
most people didn’t know, thanks to Sosa.
Vivian followed behind him. In some ways it was good that
she hadn’t changed into her fet wear yet. In other
ways seeing her all soft and casual reminded him that there was a big part of
Vivian McKay he would never touch because she wouldn’t allow it. Because he
hurt her and others hurt her, and she didn’t trust any man now. Not with her
heart.
He opened the conference room and let her in. She
immediately turned, and he saw the resolve in her eyes.
It wasn’t a hard gaze. Her resolve was shaky, but she was
going to try to do it.
I don’t want to let him go.
Yeah, he’d heard that, too. Not well done of him, but when
he realized she was talking to Sophy, he couldn’t help but listen. It was that
quiet admission that kept him hopeful.
“Malcolm, I haven’t been fair to you.”
So that was how she was going to do it. He was sure she
believed that. Vivian seemed to take on a lot of responsibility that shouldn’t
fall on her. “I don’t care about fair. You’re getting what you need. I’m happy
with the exchange, but we’re doing things differently tonight.”
That seemed to stump her. Like she’d expected a totally
different reaction. “Mal, I’m using you. Using you for sex and discipline.”
“Yes, you were clear about that in the beginning. You didn’t
lie or try to fool me. I was clear about what I would accept. What is the
problem?”
She was quiet. “I don’t like who I am right now.”
He didn’t have a quick response to that. Old Mal would have
shut down and taken it as a sign to walk away. But he’d learned a lot. The
first was that nothing could be resolved without conversation. “Why and how am
I making you feel worse?”
She seemed to brace herself. “I’m using you.”
It was time for some truth between them. He moved in,
tilting her head up so she was looking into his eyes. “My darling sub, I have
been used by the best. My ex-wife used me to cover for her affair with my
brother and the two children I thought were mine. My brother is a bit of a
shitbag, you see. He ran when Andrea got pregnant. She didn’t want to face that
music by herself. She slipped into my bed and claimed the baby was mine. She
couldn’t claim the second pregnancy. I wasn’t in the country. Funny thing. She
never sat me down and told me what she was going to do and gave me a choice as
to whether I would enjoy the exchange. I would have said no, by the way. I’m a
big boy who can say no.”
Vivian’s eyes went wide, her mouth dropping open slightly.
“What?”
“You heard me,” he replied, a bit surprised at her reaction.
“You knew I was divorced. I believe you even said you thought some woman had
done me wrong and I was blaming all women. Perhaps, but not in the way you
think. I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t rage that drove me. It’s much worse.
It’s fear. I’m afraid of being used again. I was willing to exist with the
anger. Anger can be useful. But fear makes me seem like a little boy who wanted
his mother’s love, but she only cared for one of her children.”
Vivian’s head shook, her eyes filling with tears, but they
were angry. Mal waited to see who she was angry with. He rather thought it wouldn’t
be him.
“Malcolm, when I said that I thought maybe she cheated on
you. I didn’t think it was with your brother and she lied about the paternity
of her children. I thought you needed to forgive and move on. I thought it was
possible that William could help you work through the fact that your wife
turned to someone else while you were on long deployments.”
Nope, not him. She was really angry.
He wouldn’t have told her before. Before Malcolm would have
thought that he should hide his shame. New Malcolm was wondering if he could
get a long, sympathetic hug. He wanted it. He’d had her so many ways, but he
sat around thinking about hugging her, wrapping her up and breathing her in.
Feeling her relax. Sleeping with her. Waking with her. Feeding her. Tenderness.
He longed for it.
He was obsessed with this woman. He knew it would all go
wrong, but he was giving himself this time with her.
“My mum thought I should pay for a house for Andrea and
Bryce and my nephews,” he said, oddly cheerful. “She said I should give Andrea
everything in the divorce because she and Bryce were young and just starting
out.”
Vivian’s hands became fists at her side. “They got married?”
She was gorgeous when she was mad. Not adorable. She was
capable of rage, and he honored that. She was a glorious, sexy warrior goddess,
and he had more fuel for her. “Not at all. Bryce cut and ran after he got
bored. But Andrea did threaten to take me to court if I didn’t give her child
support. Apparently, I’m still listed as Christopher’s father on the birth
certificate.”
Her face was a florid red. Far redder than he’d ever seen,
even after spanking her ass like it was his job.
He wanted it to be his job.
She started for the door.
He reached out and gently gripped her elbow. “Where are you
going?”
She looked up at him. “I’m going to find my best friend, and
we are going scorched earth on that bitch. I’m going to ruin her. She will pray
for death by the time I’m done.”
And this was what kept him under her spell. It was also why
he thought Damon was wrong. She could do this job. She wasn’t some gentle
quaking flower. She was a tree who provided warmth and shade, whose roots went
deep.
Who could survive a storm.
“Vivian, it’s all right. I sent her the money.”
“You did what?” The question came out as a horrified shriek.
“It wasn’t for her. It was for my nephews, who are
completely innocent. They’re good lads. They can’t help who their parents are.
I made it clear the money is for them. Vivian, if this happened before you sent
me to William, I would have… I don’t even know what I would have done. I would
have lost it.” He turned her, forcing her to look at him. He needed her to know
he was sincere. “I don’t care if this relationship is temporary. I want this
time. You are not using me. You’re allowing me to have this precious time with
the woman who saved me.”
She lost it. He’d seen her cry before, but never like this.
Never like the world was ending. And when he pulled her close, she didn’t push
him away. Her arms wrapped around him, and she held on to him like he was
shelter from the storm.
He held her, his heart open in a way he wasn’t sure it had
ever been. He recognized why now. From the start his mum had put all the
responsibility on him and none of the love. He’d been a mistake she regretted,
and Bryce was a memory of the man she loved. But that wasn’t his fault, and it
wasn’t a reason to keep holding himself back. He deserved to love, and his love
meant something.
Even if this wasn’t forever, she was the first woman he’d
ever truly loved.
She cried for a long time, and even when she was down to
sniffles and hiccups, she didn’t move away from him. She held on. “Mal, I don’t
know what I want.”
He smoothed her hair back. “It’s okay. We both know this is
temporary. We’re adults who are choosing this and choosing to end it with
kindness if the time comes. I know you’ve been hurt before.”
Her head shook. “Not like you.”
“Don’t.” This was another thing he’d learned. “You know as
well as I do now that pain isn’t a competition. You’ve been hurt, and you should
understand that I trashed Tarquin’s Bentley.”
Those gorgeous eyes widened. “You did what?”
Mal shrugged. It had been a fun night. “It’s not like he
doesn’t have another car. Ollie helped me. It’s fine. Sami erased all the
security footage.”
“Mal, you can’t…”
“I can. I could do worse. I could kill him and roast him and
eat him, but I think he would taste like the shite that comes from his mouth.”
Mal rocked slightly, the movement giving him comfort. It was the kind of thing
he would ruthlessly suppress before because it might make him look weak. He’d
learned so much about strength from these people and this woman. “It was for me
more than you. I was enraged that anyone would do that to you.”
“I think my sister-in-law might know,” she said quietly,
almost shamedly.
“The scary one?” Mal asked. The scary one might be very
helpful. He’d heard all the stories about her sister-in-law.
She nodded.
“Darling, even if she did and she told your brother, the
worst that could happen is he would help me bury the body. I mean then he would
try to bury my body, and with his wife, he’s got an excellent shot at taking me
out.” It felt good to hold her. And that kind of made him feel like shit
because she was in pain.
She turned her cheek so it rested on his chest. She didn’t
move away. “I don’t want my parents to know. I hate him. Why do I always choose
the wrong men?”