2. Tara
2
Tara
I t was eighty degrees outside and probably ten degrees hotter in Tara’s kitchen, where the oven radiated heat and huge pots simmered away, filling the air with steam. After hours of work, she reached a lull in between chopping. She could finally just lean against the counter and sip an iced coffee while she kept an eye on everything that she had cooking.
When she’d started her own business at the beginning of the year, it had felt empowering. Exciting. She had figured out a way to keep her family afloat, and she did it by feeding her neighbors while supporting local farmers. It was everything that she wanted and needed.
Her business continued to grow, entirely through word of mouth at this point. And that was great, because she needed that extra income to replenish her emergency fund. It gave her room to breathe, knowing that an unexpected vet bill or fallen tree wouldn’t ruin her financially.
Except that she didn’t have time to breathe.
Even before she started her own business, running her little family farm had been a fulltime job. Add in her three homeschooled kids, and she worked from the first crow of the rooster until she fell into bed exhausted some hours after sundown.
Somehow, she had added an entire business on top of that.
It had absorbed the time that she used to spend preparing food for her own family, because now they ate the meals that she cooked in bulk for delivery. She had sacrificed her animals (literally, in some cases). She’d sold the cows that her daughters loved and downsized in a dozen different ways. Her garden was neglected and overgrown.
And even so, it felt as if she could never quite catch up.
Cody handled all of the deliveries and kept the jungle from swallowing their land. Piper kept the chickens alive, and Paige took care of the rabbits. They all pitched in to help her with the goats and geese and dogs.
And even with all of their help, Tara was drowning.
The hard thing was that there was no part of her life that she didn’t love.
She loved living on a piece of land that was bursting with life. She loved her animals. She loved to cook, and she was proud of the business that she had built from the ground up. Above all, she loved having her children home with her every day – or most days, at least, now that Cody worked multiple jobs and the twins attended Pualena Playschool three days a week.
And that was the hard thing. She loved every part of her life, and yet she felt like she was too scattered and busy to truly enjoy any of it. She was constantly sacrificing things that were important to her – like time with her children – to keep a roof over their heads.
She wasn’t willing to give up her goats or put the girls in school full time or let the quality of her meals slide. She could never abandon her dogs or rehome the two macaws that she inherited from her mother.
What she really wanted was to reclaim the things that she had lost: more time with her children, more time in her garden… never mind time to read or just sit back and catch up with the man she loved. Whenever she took even half a day to rest – and those reprieves were few and far between – work piled up in a dozen different places.
People talked about building a life that you loved, but no one talked about the tremendous amount of work required to maintain it.
She’d created a life that she loved, and it had swallowed her whole.
Something had to change, but she didn’t know what – or how to make it happen.
“Hey Mom?” Piper popped up on the opposite side of the counter holding their favorite board game. “Do you have time for Catan?”
Tara scanned the food that she had on the stove, calculating the remaining cooking time, how long it would take to cool, the time needed for evening milking… and then she looked into her daughter’s hopeful amber eyes.
“Sure, let’s play.”
“Yes!” Piper tossed the box onto their dining table and ran down the hall. “Paige! Cody! Catan!”
Tara peeked into the oven and then turned down all of the burners on the stove. Each turn in Catan tended to run long, so she would have plenty of time to monitor everything as they played. She would be up late packing up tomorrow’s meals, but that was already inevitable.
“Help me clear off the table,” she said when Piper ran back in.
They stacked up all the detritus of life with homeschooled kids – crumpled papers, library books, workbooks, journals, art projects, science experiments – and cleared off the dining table to make room for their game. Piper set up the interlocking pieces and additional tiles that created a different map each time they played.
Paige came out wearing full stage makeup; Tara stared for a minute and then let it slide.
Cody walked in dragging his feet, looking morose. Apparently Juniper still hadn’t responded to his texts and missed calls – either that or she had broken up with him. Tara very much wanted to know which, but she wasn’t going to grill him in front of his sisters.
“Is there anything to eat?” Paige asked. “I’m starved.”
“Nothing’s ready yet,” Tara said apologetically. What a strange existence, to spend her entire day cooking while her children scrounged for themselves. “Let’s see what we can cobble together.”
While Piper finished setting out all the cards and game pieces, Paige helped Tara pull together a platter of food: lots of sliced veggies, a bowl of ‘ulu hummus, and the last of their goat cheese. Cody emerged from the garage with some canned goodies from the previous year: pickled longbeans and li hing mui mango.
“It’s a feast!” Paige declared.
“Come on!” Piper said. “Roll to see who goes first! I got a nine.”
They were halfway through their snack platter and just one round into their game when someone knocked on the front door.
Piper looked up, puzzled. “The dogs didn’t bark.”
“Juniper.” Cody jumped to his feet, chair scraping against the tile floor.
Tara rose to follow him as he opened the front door. Juniper and Emma stood on their doorstep. One look at their faces told her that something was very wrong. Jun’s eyes were pink from crying, and she looked as though she might burst into tears again at any minute.
Cody must have noticed the same thing, because he didn’t say a word – he just reached out and took Juniper’s hand.
Tara stepped back and gestured for them to come inside.
“Hi Juniper!” Paige called out. “Want to play with us?”
“She can’t play,” Piper said. “We already started.”
“We can start again.”
“It’s a four-player game!”
“We could play Seafarers.”
Piper frowned thoughtfully. “I do like Seafarers.”
Juniper sank onto the couch, wringing her hands. Despite the heat, she wore an oversized hoodie that Tara recognized as one of Cody’s. A prickling sense of unease crawled down her arms, more intuition than idea.
“Girls,” she said, turning to the twins, “I need you to give us the room.”
“But we just started playing!” Piper exclaimed, gesturing towards their game. Paige was quiet, looking from person to person with wide green eyes.
“We’ll finish it later.”
“Yeah right,” Piper fumed, pushing herself away from the table.
“You can leave it out,” Tara said with deliberate calm, “and we’ll play in a little while.”
“You’re always too busy for us!” She stomped off down the hall.
Paige gave them a quick, apologetic look and then followed her twin.
Tara dragged in a deep breath, absorbing the sting of that parting blow. She wasn’t wrong. Ever since Mitch left, she had less time for her girls than ever. And she hated that.
But that was a dilemma for another day.
Steeling herself, she turned to look at Emma.
The look in her friend’s eyes hit her like another blow. Deep in the pit of her stomach, she already knew what they were there to say. She absorbed the information even as she refused to voice it, even in her own mind.
Meanwhile Cody – her sweet, kind, man-sized boy – was looking between the women with an expression of complete and utter incomprehension.
Until Juniper reached into her pocket and pulled out a pregnancy test.
His confusion deepened for a second, and then his face cleared.
Surprise overwrote the confusion, and his jaw went slack. He looked into Juniper’s eyes for confirmation, and she nodded. He covered his open mouth with one hand, still looking between Jun and the test in a state of shock.
Tara sank into an armchair. Suddenly, she felt deeply tired. She was as stupified as Cody, too shocked to fully process the news and all that it implied.
Juniper was pale. Her freckles stood out in sharp contrast to her pallid face. Like Cody, she was bright and mature and wise beyond her years… but in that moment, she looked so young. And terrified.
“I don’t understand.” Cody’s voice cracked. “When did– how long have you…”
“A month or so?” Juniper’s voice was barely audible. “I haven’t known that long. I just… I mean, I think that’s how far along I am.”
“How did– we used…” His face turned beet red as he gave Emma and Tara a glancing look and turned back to Juniper. He sat beside her on the couch, giving her his full attention like she was the only person in the room. “We were careful.”
“I know.” Jun pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes and took a ragged breath. “I don’t know.”
“No form of protection is one hundred percent effective.” Emma’s tone was gentle.
“Life finds a way,” Piper added with gravitas.
“Piper!” Tara exclaimed, turning to look at her. “Go to your room!”
“I’m the aunt,” she said, indignant. “Don’t I get a say?”
“Absolutely not. Go. Now.”
Piper turned and ran back down the hall.
“You’re sure?” Cody breathed. His attention was entirely fixed on Juniper.
She huffed out a sigh and gestured at the digital readout test on the table. “Pretty sure.”
“That’s why you haven’t called? Or answered my texts?”
Somehow, she went even paler. “Yeah.”
Cody let out a breath. He gave Juniper a weak smile.
Tara swallowed a groan. Her sweet, stupid boy was relieved .
Her brilliant son had turned into a lovestruck fool, and she had no idea how to handle that. How to handle any of this. She wasn’t ready.
A sudden anger flooded her chest.
Everything had been fine before Emma moved in next door. Now their whole life, the whole trajectory of her son’s life– She cut herself off before she spiraled any further.
Her head was spinning. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down. She wasn’t angry at Emma, not really.
She wasn’t even angry at the foolish, lovestruck kids on her couch.
She was angry with herself for being blind to what was happening between them. And at Mitch for disappearing just as his son was becoming a man. Even after he moved back to Hawai‘i and got his new place in Hilo, he saw the kids maybe two or three times a month.
She felt like she had failed her son – and Juniper by extension.
“I thought you were mad at me,” he was saying.
Tara opened her eyes again, struck dumb by the drama playing out in her living room.
“No.” Juniper was quiet, looking down at her lap. “Just… spiraling.”
Tara glanced at her neighbor, who looked back at her with a helpless expression.
She was grateful to Emma and Juniper for including her… and at the same time, she felt horribly awkward, like she was eavesdropping on a personal conversation that had nothing to do with her.
Cody reached out and took Juniper’s hand. “What do you want to do?”
She squeezed his hand in a white-knuckle grip. She looked terrified and so, so young… and at the same time, there was a fierce determination in her expression that took Tara’s breath away.
“I want to do right by our baby,” she said with quiet intensity.
“Our baby,” he repeated in awe. He let out a breath with a sound that fell somewhere between a sputter of disbelief and a laugh. “I can’t believe it.”
“You’re going to have a baby?!” Paige exclaimed from the hallway. Piper shushed her, as if there was even the smallest chance that everyone hadn’t heard.
“Get out of here.” Cody sounded more weary than angry.
“Juniper?” she persisted. “You’re gonna have a baby? You and Cody?”
Tara turned in her seat and fixed her girls with a stern stare. “Go to your room. Both of you. Please.”
Paige stared at her with wide green eyes. “But they’re too young to have a baby! They’re not even grown up!”
“They’re grownup sized,” Piper said thoughtfully.
“Now!” Tara snapped.
With a sigh and the stomp of a foot, they disappeared down the hall.
“And close your door!” she shouted.
They shut it with a slam.
“Sorry,” she murmured, looking between Emma and Jun.
“No, I’m sorry,” Emma said. “We probably could have handled this better… though I’m not sure how.”
Cody looked at Juniper with a wounded expression. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I just took the test a few minutes ago.”
“But you’ve been ignoring me for days.”
Juniper bit her lip and nodded. A look of anguish came into her eyes, and Cody immediately softened. He reached out and took her hand again.
“You want this baby?” he asked in a voice that was nearly a whisper.
“I want her to know that I always wanted her.” Juniper’s eyes filled with tears. “Even though she wasn’t planned. Even though we were scared.”
Cody swallowed. He had gone as pale as Jun. “Her?”
“It’s way too soon to know,” she said hurriedly. “I just… it doesn’t feel right to say it . And she feels like a her.”
“Right.” He took a breath and ran a hand through his overgrown, sun-streaked hair.
“I love her already.” Juniper’s voice was tiny. “I love our baby, but I’m so scared.”
“I’m here for you,” he said, and Tara’s stomach sank. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”
She felt queasy, watching the trajectory of her son’s life change.
It was horribly selfish of her. She should feel proud of him. He was a good man.
But he wasn’t a man. Not really. He was trying so hard to be one – had been trying to fill Mitch’s role as the man of the house since he left – but he was just a seventeen-year-old boy with a man’s body and a still-developing brain.
She could hardly wrap her head around what this would mean for him, for his future.
But wouldn’t she feel even worse if he slunk away like a coward?
That wasn’t the man she’d raised. The realization was bittersweet. She loved him for it, and she respected him… but it was sickening to watch the future that she’d envisioned for him slip away.
And Juniper too. Tara’s affection for the girl was eclipsed by her concern for Cody, but she cared about her too. They were both so young.
“What do you need?” he asked after a long silence.
“Right now I need a nap.” Juniper gave him a wan smile and squeezed his hand before pulling away.
“Okay.” He frowned but sat motionless as she stood to go.
“We have plenty of time to figure everything out.” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself of that. “I just… I couldn’t not tell you.”
Cody nodded. Juniper walked towards the door, and he watched her go like a marooned sailor watching his ship sail away.
Emma gave Tara one last apologetic glance – almost a wince – as she followed her niece out the door.
“We’ll talk soon,” she said. “If you want to.”
Tara could only nod.
“My dad doesn’t know,” Juniper said with a burst of anxiety, stepping back through the doorway. “I haven’t told him yet. I haven’t told anyone else.”
She nodded again, lips pressed together. What did Jun think, that they would run out and tell her father? Tara had only met the man in passing.
When the door closed, she looked at Cody. She expected to see overwhelm, even terror. Instead he was looking at her with… irritation?
“What?” she said.
“You didn’t have to glare at her.”
Her jaw dropped, guilt and indignation duking it out in her chest. “Was I glaring?”
He scoffed and stood, sticking both hands into his mop of dirty-blonde hair.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Not now.” He gave her a look that was half annoyance, half apology. “I’m gonna go for a run.”
“Okay.” Her shoulders slumped in relief. Exercise was probably the healthiest thing that he could do to immediately process some of the emotion that must be flooding through his body. And anyway, she had no idea what to say to him. She was still struggling to process the news herself.
Cody pulled his sneakers on and was out the door in under a minute.
She drifted back into the kitchen, where she turned off the oven and all of the burners on the stove. Luckily nothing was ruined.
“Mom?” Paige hovered at the end of the hallway, looking unsure.
Tara walked around the kitchen counter and held out her arms; Paige rushed in for a hug.
“Are they really having a baby?” she asked, arms wrapped tight around Tara’s waist.
“It sure seems that way.”
It still surprised her sometimes, how tall her girls were already. Paige’s cheek rested against her breastbone. They were so tiny when she brought them home. Blink, and they would be taller than her.
She still couldn’t fathom that Cody was a grown man.
And she was about to be a grandmother . Lord help her.
“But how?” Paige asked, looking up at her.
From the shadows of the hallway, Piper scoffed.
“What?” Paige turned to face her sister, hands on her hips.
“You’ve seen the rabbits. And the roosters. And the goats.”
Paige blanched. “Jun and Cody did that? That’s disgusting .”
“So did Mom and Dad,” Piper taunted her, deliberately blasé.
“Ew!”
“At least twice.”
“Stop it!”
Tara sighed and pressed her hands to her temples, fighting off a headache.
“I’m not old enough to be an aunt!” Paige exclaimed, spinning to look at her again.
“Aunts don’t even do anything,” Piper scoffed.
Paige turned to glare at her. “You are so annoying.”
“Could you two just… not?” Tara sank wearily into a chair.
Piper sat across from her and sighed, looking wistfully at their unfinished game.
“Is Juniper going to live with us?” Paige asked worriedly.
Tara’s eyes went wide. The thought hadn’t even occurred to her.
“Are they gonna have to get married?”
She took another breath as her headache ramped up.
“Mom? Are they?”
“This is a surprise to me too, sweet pea. I don’t have any answers yet. But no, I don’t imagine Juniper will want to move in with us. She’ll probably stay with her aunt.”
“So we’ll have a baby right next door?” Paige asked, perking up. “I always wanted you to have another baby.”
“But this isn’t Mom,” Piper muttered. “It’s Cody. That’s mega weird.”
“Well, yeah… but a baby’s a baby. Right Mom?”
Tara could only grin as a tired laugh bubbled up in her chest.
“Yeah,” she agreed. “A baby’s a baby.”
She was exhausted and dizzy and worried and overwhelmed… but even with all of that churning through her heart and mind, her love for her children eclipsed all.
However this situation developed, they would figure it out.
Tara would do her best to support them.
A baby was a baby, after all.