9. Tara
9
Tara
“ I s this enough?” Cody asked, showing her a container of the ‘ulu salad that he was portioning out for meal delivery.
“Go ahead and fill it to the brim,” she told him. “I made plenty.”
“All right.” He went back to filling and packing them, assembly-line style, while Tara portioned out the kabocha squash soup that she had made. Paige and Piper were at New Horizons, and the house was quiet.
It hurt her heart to see Cody so subdued. He was a quiet kid to begin with, but this was different. Her son was so down lately, already bowed beneath the weight of fatherhood.
He towered over everyone, but inside he was still just a seventeen year old boy. Worrying about the family’s business and bills had already been enough of a weight on his heart and mind; she was terrified that the financial burden of a family of his own would crush his spirit.
It was hard enough supporting a family in Hawai’i in her forties. How was a teenager supposed to cope with that level of responsibility?
It didn’t help that the girl next door wasn’t communicating with him at all beyond the single bombshell that she planned to keep the baby.
Cody’s phone buzzed, and he paused his packing to check the message. His whole face lit up.
“Juniper?” Tara asked cautiously.
“Yeah.” He was typing out a reply.
“How’s she feeling?”
“Better. She didn’t puke today, so that’s good.”
“That’s great,” Tara said, but her voice fell flat.
Cody sent his reply and went back to packaging food.
“Are you two… together?” she asked awkwardly.
He frowned at the ‘ulu salad. “We’re still figuring things out.”
“I’m not sure what that means,” she said, keeping her voice soft. But Cody’s hackles rose anyway.
“She’s not seeing anyone else, if that’s what you’re getting at. And she wasn’t this summer, either. She’s not like that.”
“So she is your girlfriend?”
“What does ‘girlfriend’ even mean?” he asked, wrinkling his nose. “It’s such a weird word. She’s a girl, and she’s my friend. That’s the best basis for any relationship, right? You told me that.”
“She’s obviously more than a friend.”
Cody’s face turned red. “That’s private.”
“I’m your mother.”
“Exactly. I don’t ask you about Liam.”
“It’s not the same thing, and you know that.”
“Why not?” he demanded.
“Because you’re having a baby, Cody!” Despite her best efforts, exasperation overtook her voice. “You made it my business when you created another person .”
“You don’t have to worry about it,” he grumbled, portioning out the food with such force that it splattered across the countertop.
“How can I not?”
“Juniper and I will figure it out.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Neither do I!” he exclaimed, throwing the serving spoon across the kitchen. It landed in the sink with a clatter. “I haven’t had a whole lot of time to adjust, okay? Obviously we didn’t plan for this to happen. We did use protection. We’re not idiots. But it happened anyway, and I’m trying to figure it out. I have, what, seven months? I’ll figure it out.”
“Let me help you figure it out,” she pleaded.
“I don’t want my mom to help me figure it out.” His voice was low and vehement, and he didn’t meet her eyes. “I want to step up.”
“You can do both,” she said, trying to soothe him. “You can take responsibility and accept help. It’s not one thing or the other.”
“People have babies every day. What’s the big deal?”
Tara put a hand over her eyes, hanging on to her patience by a thread.
“Juniper is capable. I’m capable. People our age used to sail around the world and go to war.”
“This isn’t that.”
Now he did look at her, and her heart cracked when she saw the hurt and fear swimming in his amber-brown eyes. “You don’t think I can do this.”
“Cody, I know you can. But at what cost? You don’t realize how much you’re taking on.”
“Do you think I’m less capable than any other dad?”
“No, but–”
“I do more than Dad ever did, don’t I?”
“You shouldn’t have to.” Her voice broke, and she realized that she was nearly shouting. She took a breath and lowered her voice. “You never should have had to worry about me and the girls. I’ve been working to get this business to the point that I could hire someone and free you up to pursue what you want to do. But now you’re diving into a family of your own before you’re even eighteen. It all feels wrong.”
“Mom, this is what I want to do.” He was so earnest, so grown up and so young both at the same time. “What’s more important than family?”
She didn’t have an answer to that.
Cody sighed and turned away. “I’m going to start loading the car.”
As he ferried boxes of meals out to his old gray Honda, Tara finished portioning out the soup. She carried out the last box and slotted it into the back seat. The car was full to brimming.
“I know you mean well,” Cody said. “I’m not trying to shut you out. It’s just… I’m still adjusting to all of this too. I don’t have all the answers yet, so the questions stress me out. Jun’s been so sick since this happened that I’ve hardly seen her. Just… give us some space, okay?”
“Okay,” Tara relented.
Cody opened his arms, and she stepped in for a hug. Too soon, he stepped away. She opened the gate for him, and he left to make his deliveries.
She stood in the front yard for a minute, feeling drained. Weeds had overtaken her garden to the point that she had let the livestock in to eat it all. Geese and goats flocked around her like a noisy whirlpool, and in that moment she didn’t love the chaos of her life.
At some point, it had all started to feel like too much.
Her old German Shepherd Dog leaned against her, and she gave Gretchen’s head a scratch before walking into the house. She wanted to climb into bed and sleep for a week. But she had barely enough time to clean up the mess in the kitchen before she left to pick the girls up from New Horizons.
Her spirits buoyed slightly when Piper and Paige climbed into the van, showing her the stuffed animals they had made with Nell and chattering about their day. Even then, her exhaustion was so deep that her two shining girls barely softened it.
Something had to change.
Both girls had a riding lesson scheduled for that day, so she drove straight to Liam’s ranch. She had brought two jars of squash soup for them to drink on the way up the mountain; no matter how much food she packed in their lunches, they always needed more fuel after school.
At the ranch, the girls immediately flew from the van and ran to the stables, where Maddie and the horses were waiting. Tara stood outside for a long while, just soaking in the quiet of the place.
Liam had as many animals as she did – more, probably.
The difference was, he had space . Employees too.
His livestock all had their allotted paddocks and pastures, and the area around the house was clear and quiet. This far up the mountain, the air was crisp and cool.
“Tara?”
She startled at the sound of Liam’s voice and turned to find him standing a few feet away.
“Are you all right?”
“Tired,” she admitted.
He put his arms around her, and she melted into him. Letting someone hold her up was a rare luxury, and she wondered – not for the first time – why she didn’t drive up to Summers Ranch more often. But with what spare time?
“Come on up to the lanai,” Liam said after a while. His voice rumbled low through his chest, soothing her frayed nerves. “I just brewed a pot of mamaki.”
“That sounds good,” she said with a sigh.
Up on the front porch, they settled into twin rocking chairs. She could see the three girls in the distance, Maddie standing in the middle of the ring and coaching the twins through their jumps. The tranquility of the moment was such a stark contrast to the rest of her life that it made her want to cry.
“How’s Cody?” Liam asked.
“I really don’t know.” Tara brought her tea up to her face and inhaled the steam, letting the warm smell of mamaki soothe her. The liquid in the mug was a deep shade of gold. “Every time I try to talk to him, it just makes things worse.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It is, though. I want to support him, but I just end up putting more stress on him. I just… I wanted more for him than this. But maybe that’s selfish. Maybe what I wanted for him – what I thought his life would look like – is irrelevant now. He wants to do the right thing, and I’m proud of him. I am. But I don’t know what the right thing is . Is it really right for him to throw his future away for a summer fling?” She closed her eyes and sighed. “It’s a mess.”
“It will all turn out alright in the end,” Liam told her.
“How can you know that?”
“Babies are a blessing.”
She opened her eyes enough to glare at him. “It’s not that simple, Liam.”
He smiled at her, radiating serenity and love. “It’s not that complicated.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Are you asking for advice?”
“Do you have any?”
“I might, if you want to hear it.”
She looked him in the eye and nodded.
“Stop catastrophizing. Go back to life as normal.”
“How can we?”
“What’s actually changed? What in your day-to-day life is different?”
“Well, nothing yet.”
“So, focus on the day to day. That’s plenty to deal with already.”
She let out a humorless little laugh and took a long sip of her tea.
“Give everyone’s emotions some time to settle. Stop trying to figure everything out for everybody else.”
“That’s my job.”
“It’s not, though. Not for Cody. Not anymore.”
She sighed. “That’s a tough pill to swallow.”
“Tell me about it,” Liam laughed. “You think I don’t want Maddie to live on this ranch forever? But she’s set on going to some mainland college. And then, to add insult to injury, she’s talking about working at Yellowstone next summer instead of coming home after her first year of school.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. At least Cody’s staying close to home.”
“I wanted him to go to university in Hilo, not jump right into family life.”
“He still could, Tara. He’s got plenty of time for anything and everything that he wants to do.”
She took a deep breath and nodded, trying to believe him.
Slowly, as they sat rocking their chairs in tandem and drinking their tea, her anxiety began to untangle itself. They talked about everyday things, about riding lessons and new recipes and growing calves, and her nervous system quieted.
It was incredible, how much he could calm her in just one hour. Being near him made her feel safe. He helped her to find her steadiness and her strength.
So why did they spend so much time apart?