Chapter 5
I remember when I gave my first blowjob. I think I was sixteen but I might have been a few weeks away from my sixteenth birthday. It happened after the homecoming dance. I remember practicing for days with carrots and then discovering I could actually order a dildo online. I ordered one, had it delivered to my older sister’s apartment, and then practiced with that fake cock for about a month.
I was really excited to surprise Tony Northwood with the blowjob after a lot of hand jobs. It was exciting and nerve-wracking. I remember feeling really sexy afterward. I gave Tony a blowjob pretty much every date from that point forward (because I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity) which meant one or two of a week for the rest of high school.
Bear with me. There’s a reason I’m bringing all of this up.
We broke up because I was staying in Pinecrest Peak and Tony was going to the East Coast for college. Both of us knew that we didn’t really have a future although we liked each other very much. The only real shot we had at a future together would have required the two of us to grow to love each other, and we knew that wasn’t going to happen. Anyway, we decided to break up, officially starting when he left for college. What that meant was that we were still together for two months after deciding to break up. Two months or so after we made the decision, it was official and we weren’t together anymore.
That was about fifteen blowjobs worth of being together, that two months.
And each blowjob got sadder and sadder.
You can imagine, right? I mean, it was progressively more and more hopeless. I didn’t love Tony. I liked him but I didn’t love him. I knew it was right for the relationship to end and I wasn’t all that broken up by it, you know. Nonetheless, those blowjobs felt so sad, like a desperate attempt to hold onto something I couldn’t hold onto.
All right. So why am I going into this right now?
Because I have my mouth on Jonathon’s cock right now. I’m busy doing all that I can to give him the best possible blowjob of his life. I’m doing this because it will be the last one. As of tomorrow, there’s no need for us to continue pretending. As of tomorrow, the final paperwork will be done. The deed will be recorded. The money will be wired.
This is a very sad blowjob indeed, just like the ones I gave Tony something like four and a half years ago.
There’s a difference, though.
This blowjob is terribly sad for me because I’ve come to a realization. I liked Tony. That’s not the case here. I don’t like Jonathon.
I love him.
I love him and I don’t get to keep him.
I never expected this. I mean, of course it doesn’t take a genius to figure out I’m attracted to him, right? I mean, we do this fake engagement thing and the very first thing I make happen is sex with him. It’s what I do first, and I’ve probably screwed this man just as much or more as any real fiancé would.
And so, I’m doing the only thing I can. I’m trying to get every bit of intimacy I can before things are over. I’m trying to just… Well, to…
Hell, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I guess I start giving this blowjob as a kind of denial, if that makes sense. I start the blowjob as a way not to face that things are over. It doesn’t work. The reality of things is powerful, and nothing I’m doing right now can mask it. On the contrary, it kind of exemplifies things. It makes it even harder on me, and I have to fight back tears! Can you imagine me just breaking down and crying in the middle of the blowjob? Yeah, then I could add humiliation to all of the other emotions.
So, I just try my best to make this the best blowjob possible. Maybe I can’t get out of my head. At least I can distract myself a little bit by concentrating on how much I move my tongue, how deep and I can go, and how well I can maintain eye contact, right?
Wrong.
I’m staring at the face of the man I love and his cock is deep in my mouth.
And I start crying.
If you can tell me anything more humiliating that that, go ahead. Actually, don’t tell me. I don’t think I want to know. I burst into tears, though, and I leap up off the bed and run from the room. I’m just in the middle of a blind, humiliated panic, you know. I run through the house and then into the backyard. I feel like I’m hyperventilating so I stop by the big elm tree, press a hand against it to steady myself, and try to regulate my breathing.
“Well, it’s a good thing I fixed the fence,” Jonathon says. I turn around and look at him in shock. Then, I understand.
I just ran out into the backyard completely naked.
I stare at myself and then at him and the humiliation kind of disappears. I giggle a little and say, “Sorry.”
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I stare at him for a moment and finally manage to say weakly, “I’m just… Tomorrow this is over.”
“Over?” he asks. He steps forward and says, “Are you breaking up with me?”
“Breaking up,” I whisper. “But this is fake it’s not real.”
He pulls me to him and kisses me savagely.
I mean, he kisses me in a way that makes me feel like I’m going to faint!
He kisses me in a way that makes it very clear to me that I am completely at his mercy, that any choices I think I have are just illusions. He kisses me in a way that tells me he is in charge and there’s not doubt about that at all. He kisses me in a way that claims me, that puts his brand on me, and makes it clear that I belong to him.
When the kiss is over, I just stare at him in wonder. “Was that fake?” he asks. I can’t speak. I just shake my head. He smiles, takes hold of my wrist, and starts back to the house. “Well then,” he says, “it seems to me you’d damned well better finish what you started Mandy.”
I can tell you in no uncertain terms that there’s nothing sad about the rest of the blowjob.