19. What She Chooses
WHAT SHE CHOOSES
Lani
Sunday night. I'm at the counter with my phone and a glass of water.
Maya picks up on the second ring.
“Tell me you're still alive and I haven't been having one-sided imaginary fights with my brother for the past week.”
“I'm still alive.”
“Good. Now tell me what's going on. The full version. I've been very patient.”
I take a breath.
“I'm pregnant.”
Silence on the other end.
Then: “Lani.”
“It's Ethan's.”
“Lani.”
“I've been living in his penthouse for about two weeks. The hearing is Tuesday. The tabloid photo was me. There's a social worker coming tomorrow morning. I should have told you the day I knew. I'm sorry I didn't.”
A longer silence. I can hear her thinking.
“Where are you right now?” she says.
“The kitchen.”
“His kitchen?”
“My kitchen too, I guess. Currently.”
“You've been carrying all of this without me?” Her voice cracks. Not anger. Something worse. “Two weeks, Lani. I'm your best friend. I'm his sister. And you shut me out of the biggest thing that's ever happened to either of you.”
My throat closes.
“I know. I'm sorry.”
“I needed to be there. For both of you.” A long pause. She's pulling herself together. I can hear it happening in real time. “Okay. I have so many questions and I'm going to ask all of them. But the only one I need right now: are you okay? Are you safe? Is he being good to you?”
“He's being good to me.”
“Even with all of this?”
“Especially with all of this.”
A pause. When she speaks again, her voice has shifted. The hurt is still there, but something fiercer has come in front of it.
“Then I'm going to be furious about being kept out of the loop for another forty-eight hours. But I'm going to be furious in silence until after the hearing because I love you both. We will have a long conversation about everything else on Wednesday.”
“Yes.”
“And Lani?”
“Yeah?”
“I'm going to be the best aunt in the world. Just so you both know.”
I laugh. It's the first real laugh I've had in three days.
“Noted,” I say.
We hang up.
The penthouse is quiet. Everyone is asleep but me.
The social worker arrives at 10 a.m.
Her name is Mrs. Halpern. She has the gentle, watchful face of someone who has seen every version of this. She introduces herself to Lily first, at Lily's eye level, and asks if she can see her room.
Lily takes Mrs. Halpern's hand and walks her down the hall. Bun, the picture of her mother, the sparkly shoe collection. Lily shows her everything.
Mrs. Halpern spends an hour with Lily. Then an hour with Ethan. Then she finds me at the counter working on my advisory deck.
She folds her hands on the counter.
“Ms. Torres.”
“Mrs. Halpern.”
“I have to ask you some questions. They're going to feel intrusive. I apologize in advance.”
“I expected that.”
She asks about the pregnancy. The timeline. When I moved in, why, and what the arrangement is. My relationship with Lily. My understanding of Tessa's role. My plans, my income, my support system. What Lily knows. What we will tell her.
I answer everything.
When she asks the last question, What do you think is best for Lily? I have to take a moment.
“Stability,” I say. “Lily has a mother. A father. A nanny who loves her. She has me, in whatever role I end up being. What matters is that the people around her are reliable.”
Mrs. Halpern looks at me for a long moment. Nods. Makes a note. Stands.
“Thank you, Ms. Torres. I have what I need.”
Ethan walks her to the elevator. When he comes back, he sits beside me on the couch.
“How do you think it went?” I ask.
“I think she's seen worse.”
“Helpful.”
“She said she'd file her report tonight. Malcolm will have a preview by morning. The hearing is at 10 a.m.”
“Okay.”
He puts his hand on my knee.
“Okay,” he says.
At 3:45 p.m., the doorman buzzes.
“Mr. Mercer. There's a Ms. Vale here. She doesn't have an appointment.”
Ethan goes rigid.
Lily is in her room, asleep for her afternoon rest. The afternoon light is coming in long and yellow through the windows.
Ethan looks at me.
“Tessa,” he says.
“I know.”
“I don't have to let her up.”
“Let her up.”
He presses the intercom button. “Send her up.”
She comes through the door alone.
She is smaller than I expected. Slim, light hair cut blunt at her shoulders, wearing a wool coat that has been cared for. Her face is pale and tired in the specific way of someone who hasn't slept. Up close her eyes are gray-green and watchful.
Ethan steps into the entryway.
“Tessa.”
“Ethan.”
She glances at me. I'm by the counter.
“This is Lani,” Ethan says.
“I know. I read the article, like everyone else.”
“I'm not here for that.” She unbuttons her coat but doesn't take it off. “I'm here because tomorrow a judge is going to decide whether I get joint custody of a daughter I haven't been part of raising. And I've been sitting in my hotel room since this morning realizing that I don't want that.”
Ethan doesn't speak.
I don't speak.
She looks at the floor. Then up at him.
“My lawyer told me to stop talking and let her handle the hearing. I'm going to fire her tonight. But before I do that, I needed to come here and tell you that I am withdrawing the motion. My new lawyer will file the paperwork in the morning.”
Ethan stares at her.
“Why?” he asks.
“Because I had years to come back, and I didn't. Because I came back assuming she'd be waiting for me.
She's not. She has a life, a routine, and a father who has been raising her alone the entire time I was gone.” She pauses.
“I came back wanting to be her parent. I should have come back ready to earn her trust.”
She blinks hard. Wipes her cheek with the back of her hand.
“My lawyer told me I had a real shot. Pregnant new girlfriend, tabloid photo, redeemed mother.” Her voice is flat. “And I started writing the testimony, and I realized I was about to use my daughter as leverage to feel okay about the years I missed. I'm not doing that.”
“I would like, eventually, to know her,” Tessa says. “If you'll let me. Slowly. When she's ready.”
She looks at me.
“I'm sorry about the photograph.”
“That wasn't you. That was Vivian.”
“No. But the timing of my motion made it leverage.” She looks at me. “I'm not coming for what you're building here. I'm asking to be part of her life. Slowly. When you're comfortable.”
“Okay,” I say.
She nods. Looks back at Ethan.
“Tell her I'm her mom when you think she's ready. I have a card I wrote for her. I'd like her to have it. There's no rush.”
She reaches into her bag and pulls out a small white envelope. Sets it on the entryway table.
She buttons her coat. She doesn't try to hug Ethan. She doesn't ask to see Lily.
She turns to leave. At the door, she stops.
“Ethan.”
“Yes.”
“She is so lucky to have you. I always knew that.”
She leaves.
The door closes behind her.
I find Ethan at the entryway table. He hasn't moved. He's holding the envelope.
I put my arms around him from behind.
“I thought she was coming to take her,” he says.
“I know.”
He turns in my arms. Presses his forehead against mine.
“It's over.”
“Almost. The hearing is tomorrow.”
He kisses me. I hold him there.
Lily's voice comes from down the hall. “Daaaadyyyy. I'm uppppp.”
Ethan laughs into my shoulder.
“On my way, bug.”
He goes to get her.
I pick up the envelope from the table. I don't open it. It's for Lily.
I put it in the drawer with Lily's family drawing, and I go to make her a snack.
Tuesday morning. The hearing lasts fourteen minutes.
Tessa's new lawyer files the withdrawal. The judge accepts it. Malcolm thanks the court. The original custody order stands. Ethan walks out of the courthouse. He still has his daughter.
He texts me from the steps.
Done.
I'm at the penthouse with Lily, who is in her sparkly shoes, drawing what she calls the longest dragon ever. It does not even fit on the paper.
I show her the text.
“Daddy's coming home for lunch?”
“Daddy's coming home for lunch.”
“What does done mean?”
“It means a boring grown-up thing got finished.”
“Oh.” She nods. “Good.”
She goes back to her dragon.
Ethan walks in before lunch. Lily runs to him. He scoops her up. She tells him about the dragon, whose name is Sparkles. It's also the name of three of her stuffed animals. He listens to all of it.
When she wiggles down and runs back to her drawing, he looks at me.
I cross the room. He wraps his arms around me. His daughter is twelve feet away telling us about the dragon's tail.
“Hi,” he says into my hair.
“Hi.”
“It's done.”
“I know.”
He kisses the top of my head. Then my temple. Then he lets me go, because his daughter is calling for him to come admire the dragon's tail.
We eat lunch. Lily eats half her sandwich and all the apple slices and tells Ethan he has to draw the dragon's brother. He draws it. It looks nothing like a dragon. But Lily says it's perfect.
After lunch, Harper picks her up for a playdate at her friend Madison's house.
The door closes behind them.
Ethan turns to look at me. His tie is loose. His jacket is on the back of a chair.
I walk to him.
“Hi,” I say again.
“Hi.”
I put my hands on his chest.
“It's really done,” he says.
“Really done.”
He bends to kiss me. Slow, this time.
“I love you,” he says.
It is the first time he has said it out loud.
“I love you too,” I say.
His hand finds my stomach. The bump is beginning to show.
“We have time now,” I say.
“Yeah,” he says. “We do.”