20. Our Kind of Forever
OUR KIND OF FOREVER
Ethan
Iwake up to her.
Lani, asleep on her side facing me, her hair a dark mess across the pillow.
The morning light is soft. The window is half-open. Somewhere below, the city is starting its Wednesday.
She has never let me wake up next to her. Last night was the first time, and she fell asleep against my chest like she'd been waiting for permission.
I don't move. I don't want to wake her.
Her eyes flutter open.
For one second she looks confused. Then she remembers where she is. Then she smiles. Slow and sleepy.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi.”
“You're staring.”
“I am.”
“Creep.”
“Yes.”
She laughs, low and rough with sleep, and stretches against me. Her hand finds my chest. Mine finds her hip.
“What time is it?”
“8:45 a.m.”
“Mm. Lily?”
“Not back until eleven.”
“Mm.” She burrows into my shoulder. “Two hours.”
“Two hours.”
“What are we going to do with two hours?”
“I have ideas.”
She laughs again.
Imake her breakfast.
She says she can make her own eggs. I tell her eggs are the only thing I can make. She lets me.
She's at the counter in one of my T-shirts, hair piled up, no makeup.
“What's the plan today?” she says, picking up her fork.
“Doctor's appointment at one.”
“Right.”
“And then we pick up Lily at 4 p.m. because Harper has her until then.”
“Right.”
“And then between four and now, I want to ask you something.”
She puts her fork down.
“Okay.”
“Not now. Tonight.”
“Now I'm nervous.”
“Don't be.”
“It's hard not to be.”
“Eat your eggs.”
She eats her eggs. She watches me over her coffee with one eyebrow raised.
I smile and say nothing.
Dr. Patel turns the monitor toward us.
The gel goes on Lani's stomach. The wand moves. The screen shifts.
We see a small curl. A bean.
We hear the sound. A heartbeat. It's fast and strong.
“There you go,” Dr. Patel says. “Strong heartbeat. Everything looks good.”
I cannot speak.
Lani's hand finds mine. She squeezes. I squeeze back.
“Eleven weeks,” Dr. Patel says. “Heart rate is one hundred and thirty. Everything looks healthy.”
“Do you want photos?”
“Yes,” we both say at the same time.
Dr. Patel prints two. One for each of us.
I look at mine. I'm keeping this in my wallet.
In the car on the way home, Lani holds the photo in both hands.
“Eleven weeks.”
“Eleven weeks.”
“This is happening.”
“This is happening.”
She laughs. It's the laugh she did in Maui at the bar, when she said first class is a personality flaw, and I knew I was in trouble.
“It looks like a bean,” she says.
“A beautiful bean.”
“You're going to be one of those parents.”
“What kind?”
“The kind who cries at every school play.”
“I already do that with Lily.”
I take her hand. Kiss her knuckles.
She rests her head against my shoulder. The car moves through midtown traffic.
We pick up Lily at 4 p.m.
She runs to the door of Madison's apartment with sparkly shoes and a backpack covered in glitter. She tells us about the playdate, the snacks, and Madison's dog who has three legs.
“But he's fast, Daddy. You don't understand how fast he is!”
She gets in the car between us. Buckles her booster seat herself. Tells the driver about the dog. Does not stop talking the entire way home.
I look at Lani across the top of Lily's head. Lani is laughing at something Lily said about the dog.
At home, Lily wants to show Lani the new sparkly headband Madison gave her. They go to her room. I hear them through the wall, Lily narrating, Lani asking questions the way she always does with Lily.
I make dinner. Lily tells us about the dog seven more times.
After dinner, I do bath time. Story. Bun's blanket negotiation. Lani sits on the corner of Lily's bed and does Bun's voice, which I have never been able to do.
“Lani is better at Bun than you, Daddy,” Lily says.
“Good to know,” I say.
She nods and rolls over to sleep.
We close her door.
I go to the bedroom. The ring box is in my nightstand, where it's been all week. I put it in my pocket.
The city lights fill the windows. Lani is on the couch.
“You said you wanted to ask me something.”
“I did.”
I sit on the coffee table in front of her. Knees touching hers.
“Lani.”
“Yeah.”
“I had a speech.”
“Did you?”
“Yes. I worked on it in the car this morning while you were looking at the ultrasound photo. I had a whole thing about Maui. There was a part where I quoted you. It was a good speech.”
“Where's the speech now?”
“I forgot it the moment Lily started talking about the three-legged dog.”
She laughs. She covers her mouth with her hand. She is laughing and a little teary.
I reach into my pocket.
I pull out the ring box. Open it. Inside is a small, simple ring. One stone. Nothing flashy.
“I just want to ask you to marry me.”
She looks at me. Then at the ring. Her hand goes to her cheek. Her eyes go wide open.
“Ethan.”
“Yeah.”
“Yes.” She's laughing and crying at the same time. “Yes.”
I take her hand. Slide the ring onto her finger. It fits. I had Maya measure one of her rings while Lani was at the doctor. Maya did not ask why and has never mentioned it.
Lani holds out her hand and looks at the ring.
She looks at me.
She's in my arms. I close the ring box.
In the morning, we tell Lily.
She is at the counter in her purple pajamas, eating eggs. Lani sits down next to her. Left hand resting on the marble.
Lily notices in four seconds.
“What is that?”
“What is what?”
“That!” Lily points. “On your hand!”
“Oh, this?” Lani holds her hand up to the light. “This is a ring.”
“From who?”
“From your daddy.”
Lily looks at me. “You gave her a ring?”
“I did.”
“Why?”
“Because I asked her to marry me.”
Lily is silent for one second.
“DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY BONUS MOM?!”
The words come out of her in capital letters. She is bouncing on her stool. She forgets her eggs. Bun has fallen on the floor.
Lani looks at me. I look at Lani.
“Where did you hear bonus mom?” I ask.
“Madison's stepmommy. She's called Madison's bonus mom because Madison has a real mommy, and also a bonus mommy. They both come to parent day. Madison says it's because she has extra love.” She is still bouncing. “Lani, are you going to be my bonus mom?”
Lani looks down at her hand. At the ring.
“If you want me to be,” she says.
“Yes.” Lily climbs off the stool. Climbs into Lani's lap. Wraps her arms around Lani's neck. “Yes, please.”
We look at each other.
There are tears on her face. There are tears on my face, although I will deny this later if asked.
“Does my mom know?” Lily asks against Lani's shoulder. “About the bonus mom?”
Lani pulls back. Looks at her.
“We'll tell her. Your mom is always your mom. A bonus mom is extra. Like an extra apple slice.”
“You always have to have eight apple slices.”
“Maybe now there's nine.”
Lily thinks about it. Nods.
“Okay. I want nine.”
She climbs back onto her stool and goes back to her eggs.
I walk over. Kiss Lani's temple.
Lani reaches for my hand. I give it to her. She laces her fingers through mine and doesn't let go.
The woman I love is wearing my ring. Our baby is on the way. Lily has her dad, her mom, and a bonus mom who isn't going anywhere.
None of us are.