8. Tanya
8
TANYA
I don’t get a chance to talk to Jillian any further about Chandler for the rest of the morning. I want to drill her about what kinds of things he did to find me over the years. I want to ask her if she knew why he’s held on for so long.
Why not give up? Why hold on for so long?
None of it makes any sense to me, but I know that because of my amnesia I don’t know the whole story. How can I judge him and question his motives without remembering our past?
After Sophia and Chandler came downstairs, we introduced Jillian to Sophia, and I made breakfast for everyone while Jillian and Sophia talked about dresses. Soph’s eyes lit up when she heard that she got to pick out a new dress. It was a simple, peaceful moment in the middle of the craziest time of my life: the smell of bacon and waffles filling up the kitchen, the sound of Sophia and Jillian talking excitedly about the dresses, Sophia bouncing in her seat as she looked at all the pretty dresses.
We are now on our way to pick up the dresses and then are heading to the small airport where Chandler’s helicopter awaits us. I have to admit that the thought of being on one is making me nervous, and I don’t know which would be the lesser evil, the helicopter or the car. As we walk into town, Chandler and Sophia are walking ahead of Jillian; the sight of them walking hand in hand does something to me, and I don’t know if I like it or not, but I’m too nervous about everything else to come to focus on it.
“You know, when he came home last weekend after finding you, it was the first time I have ever seen him so frantic. Since I’ve been working for him, he’s always been the cool and collected businessman. That day, though, he was almost unhinged. I don’t think he knew what to do. I do know that he didn’t want to be in the city without you two.”
I realize now might be the only time I have to grill Jillian without Chandler overhearing us. He’s too occupied with Sophia to listen to our conversation.
“What did you mean this morning when you said you’ve seen the lengths he’s gone for us?”
She looks almost guilty at my question.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything; I know it’s not my place, but I know he won’t say anything.”
“Will you tell me more, though? I would really like to know more about him and maybe knowing what he did will help.”
I can tell she’s torn about what to do, but I need to know something about him. I need to know if I’m doing the right thing, especially for Sophia.
“Please? If you know he’s not going to say anything, I need someone to tell me. He’s acting like if he just does what he did before, then I’ll magically remember, but it doesn’t work that way. I need to know who he is without my memories.”
She lets out a sigh, and I know I’ve convinced her. I can feel my body tense in preparation for what she’s going to tell me.
“Has he told you anything about your past?”
I think over the few conversations I’ve had with Chandler.
“Not much.”
Jillian rolls her eyes and doesn’t seem surprised.
“I don’t know the extent of everything he’s done, especially before I started working for him, but I’ve handled things for him, and I’ve heard about how he was before.”
I keep my eyes on Chandler’s back as we walk behind him and Soph. We’ve made it into town and now just have to go to the other side to the dress store.
“When I first started at Bishop Enterprises, he was this quiet, moody man; honestly, I was intimidated by him.”
I can’t picture the man walking hand in hand with my daughter being intimidating to anyone.
“I remember thinking how sad he looked before I found out about you. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he always had scruff going on. His hair was a little longer too. Apparently, when I started, he had just cut back the time he paid the private investigator to look into what happened.”
He hired a private investigator?
“He paid the guy a lot of money to only take his case. From his point of view, you just disappeared from your home without taking anything with you, and he was convinced you were taken.”
My head is swimming with everything she is saying, and I’m not sure if I’m relieved or irritated when we arrive at the store.
“Mommy! Can I go in?!”
Sophia turns to me when she reaches the door, her face full of excitement. I nod at her, and she drags Chandler in behind her. Jillian and I follow after them, and I hold off on asking her more questions for now. I want to focus on helping Sophia try on her dress and be in this moment with her. There is a part of me that worries that all of this isn’t going to last. That Chandler is going to see that I’m not the woman he used to know and not want us to be a part of his life. I don’t want Sophia to get used to things like this just in case it doesn’t work out, but I don’t want to miss out on seeing her experience certain things either.
Jillian goes to talk to the store owner about our dresses, and I watch as Soph stands in the middle of the store and stares at all the pretty dresses. It’s a small store, we can pretty much see the whole thing from where we are standing. The owner, a sweet middle-aged woman, likes to make sure she is fully stocked on the latest fashion trends. We’ve been in this store many times, and Soph’s always fascinated by the dresses, but this is going to be the first time that she gets one of the nicer ones that cost more.
“Are you excited to see your dress, baby girl?”
She turns to face me and jumps up and down, a bright smile on her face.
“Yep! I’m gonna look like a princess!”
I love seeing her excited and so happy. I smile at her, then look up at Chandler, and the look on his face leaves me bewildered. He is smiling down at her, and there is so much love and joy reflected in his eyes. I don’t know why this surprises me, she is his daughter, but it still isn’t something I was prepared to see. For her whole life, I have been her only parent, the only person who has loved her completely.
“You already look like a princess, now you are just going to have a super fancy dress.”
Her smile widens as she jumps up and down some more.
“Alright, ladies! To the dressing rooms!”
Jillian comes from the back of the store with two garment bags folded over her arm. Soph squeals and takes off to where two dressing rooms are set up. I follow her at a slower pace, and Chandler steps in beside me. I’ve been fully aware of him all day; it’s almost been like a string is attached to each of us, and every time one of us moves, I can feel it tug.
I’m nervous with him so near, he’s been distracted all day with planning and then with Soph, so this is the first time his focus has been solely on me.
“Are you excited about your dress?”
His voice is low, and it makes me think about the dream I had about him.
I clear my throat before answering him. “Um, I’m more excited about Soph’s. She’s going to look so sweet.”
I keep my eyes on the dressing room curtains, but I can see him smile out of the corner of my eye.
“I can’t wait to see the both of you in them.”
His words make my stomach drop, something about getting into a dress that will most likely be form fitting and walking out to show off for him makes me nervous. I think the dream is making me more aware of him as a man and not just some person from my past. I don’t know what to say to him, so I just walk over to the curtain that Soph has disappeared behind.
“Do you want my help getting into your dress?”
“No! I wanna do it and come out to show everyone!”
I roll my eyes at a laughing Jillian, and she just hands me my dress.
“The girl has spoken.”
I reluctantly take it from her and go into the empty dressing room.
The dress Jillian and I picked out is really beautiful. It’s not a black-tie event, so it’s nothing too over the top fancy. It was a lavender sundress that would come to just above my knees. The sleeves rest off the shoulder and are puffy at the top, and the sweetheart neckline will draw attention to my bust a bit more than I’m used to. I put the dress on and spend a minute staring at myself and making adjustment to the hem and cleavage, trying to get it to sit just right before I show everyone.
“I think it fits fine, Jillian. I don’t need any adjustments, so I’m just going to change back into my clothes.”
The curtain is ripped open before I can even finish talking.
“I don’t think so. Get out here. We had Sophia wait until you were out here to see her. Come on.”
I turn toward her with a sigh and walk out to the small waiting area. I keep my eyes on the ground as I walk over to the mirrors, too nervous to look up and see anyone’s expression. Jillian and the shop owner, Meg, walk over to see how the dress fits me. As their hands pick at the dress, making sure everything falls where it should, I look up and meet Chandler’s eyes in the mirror.
They remind me of how they looked in the dream when he looked down at me just before I woke up. They’re dark and full of heat as they trail up from my bare feet all the way to my eyes again. It’s like he was waiting for me to look at him, so I knew he was checking me out. My body erupts in goosebumps, and I can’t take my eyes off of him. He leans back in the chair that he is sitting in and brings his hand to his lips, his index finger running along the seam. I can see a smirk starting to form.
“Even if I didn’t know everything he is doing for you, the looks he is giving you tell me everything I need to know.”
I pull my eyes away from Chandler to look over at Jillian again.
“What looks?”
She looks over at Meg with a deadpan expression, making her giggle.
“I see that what I’ve already told you isn’t enough. That man over there is obsessed with you. And as soon as he heard about your daughter, he instantly went into Dad mode. He’s had me busy setting things up.”
“Setting things up? What does that mean?”
“Of course he hasn’t told you. The man needs to learn to communicate.”
She walks behind me to check the back with Meg, and I look between her and Chandler, who still has his eyes locked on me.
“What has he set up?”
Jillian says a few words to Meg about how the dress falls, then turns back to me.
“Well, first he had me make sure that all of your bank accounts were reopened. He had them frozen when you disappeared, then he had me open a new one and start a fund for Sophia’s schooling. I didn’t even know that he wanted kids, but seeing the way he’s been since finding you two is like nothing I’ve ever seen. He’s come alive and is making many plans for the three of you. It’s so romantic.”
She and Meg let out sighs, like everything he is doing is the sweetest thing they have ever heard.
He set up an education fund for Sophia?
My eyes lock with his through the mirror again, and something in my face makes him stand quickly. Before he can walk over, Sophia’s voice echoes from her dressing room.
“I’m ready!”
I want to interrogate him about all the money; I’m not comfortable with him just giving it to us. He should have talked to me before opening an account for her. He knows nothing about my plans for her future. Just because he’s her father doesn’t give him the right to come in here and just start making decisions for her; I’ve been raising her all this time without any help.
I break eye contact with him, and we all move so that we can see Sophia when she steps out. She makes a big show of ripping the curtain open and stepping out with her arms out to her sides.
“Ta-da!”
We all laugh at her dramatics as Meg and Jillian rush to her side to fawn over her. I watch her enjoy the attention from these two women. Since we didn’t have any family, I always loved to see Sophia interacting with the people from the town. They have become our family in so many ways.
I feel the heat from Chandler’s body up against my back as he steps up behind me and leans over to look at our daughter with me.
“She really loves being the center of attention, doesn’t she?”
His voice is full of humor.
“You have no idea.”
I keep my eyes on Sophia, too unnerved by Chandler to turn and look at him.
“Actually, I do, and you can blame me for it.”
Confused by what he could mean, I turn my head to look at him, his face is closer to me than I thought it would be, and I get caught up in staring at his lips for a moment.
“I was the exact same way when I was her age. Loved to be right in the middle of everything. Everyone’s eyes on me as I made a fool of myself.”
My eyes jump from his lips to his eyes in shock.
“Really?”
He looks at me from the corner of his eye and smirks.
“Oh yeah, I was a big showoff. Still am if I’m being honest.”
I cover my mouth with my hand to stop a laugh from escaping, and he turns to face me, humor making his eyes spark. I get lost staring into his eyes, and after a moment, the humor fades from his face and his expression become serious. A spark lights a tense heat between us and my breathing picks up at the heat that is slowly starting to fill his eyes.
Just like in the dream.
The more I think about the dream and see him make the same expression, the more I wonder if it wasn’t a dream at all, it was a memory. I feel a small brush of his hand on my lower back, and I suck in a quick breath at the touch.
“Mommy! What do you think of my dress?”
Sophia’s voice makes us jump apart, and we both turn to look at her and the two smirking women behind her.
“It’s beautiful, baby girl, just like you.”
I walk over to her and squat in front of her, making sure I don’t flash anyone. She is in a pretty pink little dress that has spaghetti straps and crosses at her back. There are little bows on top of each of her shoulders. It also comes to just above her knees, and I make a mental note to grab some shorts on our way out.
Jillian claps her hands, making everyone jump. “Alright, the dresses are perfect; I don’t think we will need to make any adjustments to either, Meg. Now, you two go change; I will pay for everything, and we can get going.”
I stand and go back to my dressing room while Sophia spins around and goes back into hers. As I turn to pull the curtain closed, my eyes meet Chandler’s again, and the heat is still there. I keep his eye until the curtain closes behind us, taking a calming breath once he can’t see me.
The event turns out to be a type of outside luncheon that one of Chandler’s investors is holding. We’ve met a lot of people today, and it’s felt very overwhelming; some people know who I am, and some people don’t. I prefer the ones that don’t, I feel more in control when dealing with them. Luckily, it seems to be a smaller get-together, and there aren’t too many people.
Sophia is in her element with all the attention. I’m currently hiding by the table that has all the drinks, watching as she walks around holding Chandler’s hand as he introduces her to more people and talks with them. It’s the most he’s ever been alone with her, and I want to take the chance to watch how he does with her without me right next to them.
From what I’ve seen so far, he’s been great. He never forgets to introduce her, and he’s attentive that she’s with him. He never lets go of her hand, and when she tries to get his attention while he is talking, he instantly turns to her.
Now, I watch as he talks with an older gentleman and Sophia just watches as her dress swishes around her legs as she twists, still holding on to Chandler’s hand.
“Hey, you. What are you doing over here all by yourself?”
Jillian steps up next to me and places her hand on my upper arm. I turn and give her a smile before turning back to my daughter and her father.
“I’m just taking a breather and watching them together.”
She turns to look over to where I’ve pointed and smiles at what she sees.
“They are really adorable together. I’m impressed with my boss and how he’s adapting to being a dad.”
I nod in agreement, but I don’t really know what to say to her.
“I know I was only giving you bits and pieces about him today before we got interrupted, but if you have any questions, you can always come to me. Whether it’s about him or about this world. I can tell you whatever you need to know.”
I squeeze her hand still resting on my arm and smile at her.
“Thank you for that. I really appreciate it. I have no idea how to be a part of this world. I don’t remember anything about it. I don’t even know how to be near Chandler, you know? He’s still a stranger to me.”
We both look back toward him and Sophia, and Jillian rubs my arm.
“I know it’s difficult right now, but I promise you he’s a good guy. You can trust him. He wants nothing more than to be there for the two of you. Once he decides to tell you everything himself, you will see that what he’s been doing will prove that to you.”
Her words are meant to be comforting, but they have the opposite effect on me. I don’t want him to feel like he has to prove anything to me. I don’t even know if I want to be involved with him past our fake marriage and our daughter.
I agreed to the marriage because it will help Sophia in the long run, but there’s a big part of me that wonders if this is a bad idea. I don’t like feeling obligated to do things for him.