37. Chapter 37
OLIVER
MAY
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
I’ve always been able to buy what I need and spend money without a care in the world, and yet I’ve never been the kind of person who spends money excessively.
However, no amount of money can be spent to escape my troubles, nor is there any way to bring you back to me.
That is a whole other kind of therapy I never saw myself committing to.
There aren’t many words in the English dictionary that can describe how I felt in the hours when I realised you weren’t coming home. All the money in the world, it can’t cure the pain of losing you.
It took me waking up with the hangover of death to realise the painful things I said and put you through. The image of your tears I failed to wipe away, and the way you hid your emotions from me, hurts the most. I’d taught you that…but it was wrong. I was wrong, and you were right.
Drunk or not, I have no excuse for the way I acted, and until I figure out what I need to do to be trusted with your heart again, I did the only thing I know how to do.
I won’t sugarcoat it; I ran away. Stripped down to my mother’s DNA, I’ve taken a shameful page out of her book and left the country.
So, you don’t have to fear running into me, but more importantly, I did this because I need to focus on making myself a man worthy of you. I’m going to search for what it is you asked of me that day and will use this email thread as my roadmap back to you.
P.S. From now on, at the end of every email, I’ll be sharing a random fact about myself.
Fun Fact - the day you left was my birthday. The worst I’d ever had, and I deserved every moment of it.
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
Subject: Week 1 - Part 2
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
Theo won’t stop asking about you and wants to know how long we will be away from home, but I keep dodging the question because, in all honesty, I don’t have an answer.
For once, I’m completely out of my element, and I hurt you.
However, I promise to reunite the two of you again.
On the off chance you did want to reach out to Theo, all of Nigel’s contact information remains the same, just in case.
P.S. Fun Fact - Moving from country to country as a child gave me the ability to speak twelve languages fluently.
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
JUNE
Subject: Week 2 – Part 1
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
As you know, I have no real relationship with my mother, nor do I know what a real mother-and-son relationship should look like; however, I did have a middle-aged woman bulldoze her way into my place, rip me a new one for what I did and said to you.
Digested every curse word, every criticism, and every Korean expression of frustration she unleashed on me. Disappointed by her adopted son, she dragged me by the ear to therapy, refusing to speak to me again unless I fixed what I broke, then vowed she would care for Theo in my absence.
If you hadn’t guessed it, I ran away to South Korea, the only place apart from another I’ve ever been able to call home. It’s where I met my brother, and my depiction of what a mother should be.
The woman I described is Kim Ju-Eun. Min-Joon’s mother, who only lets me refer to her in Korean. Someone who took me under her wing from the very first day I went over to his house one day after school. A housewife who cooks, cleans, and yells A LOT.
She is the reason I speak Korean so well, the reason I had to rearrange my schedule to make sure she and I speak at least once a month and that Theo and I visit her every summer.
Umma is the only person whom I’m incapable of talking back to. My kryptonite, and at first, I wasn’t sure why, but now I think it’s because she is the one who showed me what it is like to have a real.
P.S. She adores you, by the way and has instructed me to bring you to meet her because not getting you back isn’t an option. You would love her, and I can’t wait for you to meet her.
Fun Fact - Min-Joon’s mum makes the best Kimbap. Whenever I eat it, it fills me with nostalgia for a happier time in my life. Sorry to admit this, but it even trumps yours.
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
Subject: Week 2 - Part 2
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
Therapy sucks. I miss you.
P.S. Fun Fact - The last time I spoke to someone about my feelings was when I was eight years old.
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
Subject: Week 3 - Part 1
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
Okay, so my last email was an understatement. But in all seriousness, I retract everything I’ve ever said about therapy and about those who go to therapy, because it is hard.
It’s easy to show up every week and talk in a controlled environment, but what’s difficult is acknowledging your choices and putting in the work to make true progress. But it still sucks, and I wish you were here to hold my hand.
P.S. Fun Fact - I only have 5 pre-saved emojis in my phone because I’ve never had any need to use the others until I met you; the order is as follows -
Can you guess who I use the last one with most?
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
Subject: Week 3 - Part 2
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
Theo has resumed the silent treatment and refuses to talk to me until I tell him when we’re going home, and how long he’ll have to wait until he can see you again.
I knew from your trial day that the two of you have a strong bond, but I never realised just how strong till I witnessed him crying almost every day this week, protesting that he wants to sleep in his bed and wants you to pick him up from school and have dinner with your family because your Gran is his TikTok friend.
The number of reasons he hates me, and I hate myself for being the reason the two of you have to be apart.
P.S. Fun Fact - Before raising Theo, I never saw myself having children, and the reason I was so tense the day I visited the care home with you. It’s because I’d previously considered sending Theo to a home like that, something I still battle with every time I mess up.
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
Subject: Week 4
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
LUUUUUNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA,
I miss you 3000. Ollie won’t tell me when I can see you again, but he’s letting me write you a Gmail. I’m still practising my drifting on Mario Kart, but Ollie and Joonie are very really bad, so I win a lot. That’s why I miss playing with you.
And guess what!!
I have a Ji-ji too; he doesn’t talk much, but he plays LEGOS with me and sings me funny songs, and Halmeoni is helping me fill out my food diary so I can get my wish because she can make the same foods as you, but don’t tell her that I think yours taste better.
Can’t wait to give you a big hug.
P.S. Fun Fact - I’ve started a therapy journal that only you have permission to read. I write in it every evening after Theo goes to bed; he calls it my ‘get better soon’ journal.
Love,
Theo
****
Subject: Week 5
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
We spoke about firsts in therapy today. My first relationship, first rejection, first sexual experience (which shamefully ended quickly on my end), was with a girl a few years older than me.
She taught me that I was a shitty human being if I didn’t prioritise a woman’s pleasure before my own.
So, you can thank her for my talents in the bedroom, that and years of perfecting my techniques.
We also talked about my first form of heartbreak, the first time I ran from my problems, the first time I frowned, the first time I smiled or laughed, but mostly the first and last time I cried - I was eight.
I’m not quite ready to share that with you, just yet.
But I will, because as much as I enjoy the teeth-grinding joy of exposing myself to a professional, I’m starting to realise that the only person I willingly want to share these things with is you.
P.S. Fun Fact - My first love and first sexual experience is the same person.
A disturbingly accurate imitation of my mother, someone non-committal who taught me what women like, but also taught me that women hate clingy men more than anything.
Though you were the first woman I clung to, and you never seemed to mind
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
JULY
Subject: Week 7
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
I screamed at my therapist today; she accused me of turning into my mother. I yelled at her and walked out…much like I did to you the day before you left, though it was with much harsher words. But Umma dragged me back there an hour later, with her deadly grip on my ear.
She made me apologise, and it took a while, but I realised that Yelling was a trigger, because I suppressed my issues with my mother for so long that aggression became the first part of me to react.
I failed to be considerate, only thinking about my feelings at that moment… something only my mother does.
P.S. Fun Fact - When things get too much, distancing myself is the only way I’ve learnt to cope. I’m starting to discover there are other ways to do things, but it isn’t easy to break a habit I’ve grown accustomed to for decades.
Sincerely,
Oliver
****
Subject: Week 9
To: LooneyLuna@
From: TheOliverwalters@
Dear Luna,
How are you?
I don’t expect you to respond to any of these emails, or if you’re even reading them in the first place, I’d like to think you’re doing just fine without me.
That you’re still going to Sunday dinner where you’re bad-mouthing me to your family, telling them what an arsehole I am, because it makes you feel better.