CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CASSY
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I don’t know which one of us is more unhappy about Josh leaving me today. Him or me.
I brush my teeth as I stare in the mirror. He’s standing behind me, drying his naked body, and won’t look at me.
Or touch me.
Not that he hasn’t done a lot of touching over the past few hours since we woke up. He has. In all the places.
But this is what he does. He turns off emotionally, and it unsettles me. I hate it. I want to ask him what’s wrong, but there’s no basis for any line of questioning. I’m not his girlfriend.
This isn’t a relationship.
But it is something. I’m starting to feel that it’s unfair that he holds me in his arms, gazing at me like he has feelings, then completely shuts off.
Plus, things are terribly one-sided. He knows a lot about me, and I know nothing about him.
Again, what right do I have to ask? He’s my bodyguard.
I’m his client.
In saying that, yesterday I got to see his home. After tennis, Josh wanted to stop by his house. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was surprised by the size of it and that he lived only ten minutes from me.
Which means he’s an extremely wealthy man. Or has a big mortgage. Not that it’s my business, but I am fairly confident SEALs don’t get paid this much. Or private security company owners.
“Josh, it's beautiful,” I said, walking around the large living area. “How many rooms?”
“Six.” He shrugged. “I don’t need them all, but I like space. Plus, I like the pool.” He nodded at the gorgeous blue oval pool we saw through the big glass doors outside. I walked over to see it’s surrounded by loungers, a tiki style bar, and BBQ area.
“I like the pool, too.” I said as Josh stepped up beside me. I turned and ran my hand over his cock, feeling him harden. “You could fuck me in there.”
“Dirty girl,” Josh gripped my hair as he slid his tongue inside my mouth.
“Show me your room.” I moaned, and he stilled.
“No.” When I pouted, I saw he was serious, so I tilted my head. “I need thirty seconds, then we can head back to yours. I’ll fuck you all night, but we need to leave.”
Josh had then released my hair, kissed my nose, then walked off. He’d followed through on his promise, but his reaction stayed with me all night, and now this morning I’m left with questions.
Why wouldn’t he fuck me at his house?
Had he been married?
Whenever I asked about his life, he’d give me very basic answers and then shut me out. At first, I didn’t care. I just enjoyed the sex. Now it was starting to hurt.
Which I guess means only one thing. I’ve got feelings for the big, gorgeous man, and I’m the only one.
Stupid.
I watch him in the mirror as Josh leans down and dries his legs. He’s so close and yet so far. The opposite of last night when he lay me down on the rug in the living room.
It was slow and erotic.
The moonlight flickered against the walls as his mouth moved over every inch of my body. So intimate and delicious. Then he’d pulled me up onto his lap as he kneeled, and held me while I slowly lowered onto his thick hard cock.
Holding his shoulders, our eyes locked, and together we groaned out our pleasure as we connected.
It was fucking incredible.
Sex didn’t feel like this with everyone. There were emotions stirring between us and I’d slept with enough men to know the difference between scorching chemistry and just a fuck.
And it didn’t seem to wane. Every time I felt him enter me, it was the same spine-tingling magic.
“Josh,” I whispered.
“Fuck me slowly, Cassy. Slowly, as you tighten around me. Yes, fuck. Like that,” Josh said, guiding me and lifting me as I rode his cock.
After a moment we sped up, and he reached between my legs to thrum my clit as the fireworks erupted. I jolted, needing more, begging, crying as Josh gripped my hip tightly.
“That’s it, baby, fuck my cock. Come on my cock. Jesus fuck.” He’d cried, both our cries filling the room. Then his arms wrapped around me, and his mouth slammed down on mine.
We kissed as the shudders of our shared orgasm rolled through us. Then after, we lay on the thick rug, wrapped in each other’s arms, while I circled my fingers over his tattoos.
“You do that a lot.”
“It’s my new favorite hobby.” I smiled up into his eyes.
“Better than tennis?” He teased.
Laughing, I said, “Way better.”
“No offense, beautiful, but you’re way better at sex than tennis.” Josh slapped my ass.
“Mean.”
“Facts.”
“Fair.” I giggled.
All the lightness and fun had disappeared this morning, and I wondered if it was because he was leaving soon. Ryder was taking over his shift today.
Perhaps that was it.
I lean, spit, turn on the tap, then stand. When I glance at Josh once more, he has the towel wrapped around his waist and is staring at me.
Our eyes lock, and he takes a step closer, the heat of his body warming my back. He places his hands on my arms, kissing my neck.
I smile, then turn to leave, but Josh moves his hands to my hips and holds me in place. I lift my brows in question.
“Do as Ryder says today.” His voice is rough but low. “You have my number. Fuck. He’s completely capable of protecting you, but I want you to know you can call me.”
I see the lie in his eyes.
Josh doesn’t think anyone will do a better job than he will. The fact he’s in my bed, in my bedroom, and never away from me is a part of that. But he never takes his eyes off me. In just a few days, we’ve become in sync with each other in a way I have never been with anyone else.
When we woke, he clasped my face and asked me if I still wanted the gun.
I shook my head.
He’s right. I don’t have it in me to take someone’s life. Whatever that says about me, I like it about myself.
And I like that he saw it in me.
I saw his relief, but that changed a moment later when I said, “Josh, I’m going to the awards event tomorrow night. I won’t let Isaac take this from me.”
“Shit, Cassy.” Josh flopped onto his back. “He’ll be in California by tomorrow.”
“I know. But I can’t ask them to change it.” I sighed. “I’ve been nominated. And while it is unlikely that I’ll win, by not attending it's snubbing them. That’s career suicide in this business.”
“I get it,” he’d replied, and then we’d had a shower together.
I know part of his coolness now is because he’s worried and disappointed in me.
I’m going to miss him today, and I feel stupid because my feelings are obviously one-sided.
I don’t want him to be angry with me. I hate that he thinks I’m being irresponsible.
I know the risks more than anyone, but I’ve been thinking about it for days. This is important.
Josh and the Black Hawke Security team are more than capable of keeping me safe for one evening.
I feel like I need to say something. To tell him how I feel, because despite how we met, I don’t want to have any regrets.
I turn and place my hands on his golden tattooed pecs and glance up into his beautiful, intense eyes. “I know this is...”
“Cass, don’t.” Josh shakes his head.
An icy chill slices down my spine.
God, have I completely misjudged this? I backtrack a little as a mix of shame and sadness fills me.
“Thank you for everything,” I say instead. “If you don’t return on Tuesday because they catch Isaac, I just wanted to say thank you.”
“Cassy.”
“No. You were right. It has been a really nice distraction,” I add, referring to his comment the first night we slept together.
“Jesus,” he says, and cups my face as my eyes drop. “Stop. I’m coming back. It’s just one fucking day.” He growls and cups the other side of my face so I’m forced to look at him. “I. Am. Coming. Back.”
I’m not sure who he’s convincing. Me or him.
“Okay,” I whisper, wishing he would just tell me how he feels.
Josh slides one hand behind me and tugs me against his naked body, kissing me like it’s our last.
My towel falls away and I’m sure he’s responsible.
He releases my mouth and pulls away to run his hand over my breast. Then pinches a nipple.
“You are the only woman I’ve ever wanted to fuck again and again, straight after seeing you come,” Josh says to my tits. Then his eyes lift to mine. “I am addicted to your pussy, Cassy.” His voice is thick. “Not just your pussy. You. Leaving is...I don’t fucking want to.”
My mouth parts, and I’m unsure what to say. I don’t want him to leave me either, but I need him to say more. To give me something. I tried to tell him how I feel, and he cut me off.
This man is making my head spin.
“I don’t want you to either—” I start, and he rubs his thumb over my bottom lip to stop me from speaking. I brush him away. “So you get to say that stuff, but I can’t.”
“Yes,” Josh rasps.
“Why?” I press.
“You know why. I should never have touched you.”
What?
My heart tightens at his words, and I pull out of his arms.
“Right. God. I’m so stupid. This is”—I wave between us, looking up at him now as I back away farther—“just fucking. I get it.”
I reach up for my robe and pull it around me as Josh watches me in the mirror.
“Go. Go do your job and let terminator number two step in. Maybe I’ll fuck him, too.” I snap, because fuck him and fuck Isaac and fuck all of them.
I stride into the bedroom with Josh right behind me.
“Cassy,” he growls darkly.
I twirl, taking in his angry eyes and wait for him to speak. He doesn’t. Because this has only ever been about sex for him and I’m the idiot who let myself feel more.
“Forget it. I take full responsibility. I let you fuck me. I enjoyed it. The end.”
“If Ryder touches a single hair on your—”
Oh, no you don’t.
How dare he walk away without acknowledging how he feels about me, then attempt to stop me from being with anyone else. I have no intention of sleeping with Ryder, but that isn’t the point.
Fury plows through me as I lift my hand to slap him. Josh grabs my wrist, glaring at me.
“Let me go,” I say after a long moment, while tears prickle my eyes.
“That’s the fucking problem,” Josh growls, releasing my wrist.
I stand, shaking with emotion as I watch him tug on his clothes and walk out of the room.
That’s the fucking problem.
What does that even mean?