CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CASSY
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Ouch. Everything hurts, and my throat is dry. I’m cold, except for one hand which burns with...I blink my eyes open.
Josh.
His enormous body is crammed into the hospital chair while he holds my hand. He’s sleeping and I can see neck pain in his future, but all I care about right now is that he’s here.
I tell myself not to read anything into it. But it must mean something.
Right?
I cough, and his eyes fly open.
“Fuck,” Josh sits up abruptly, then grabs the back of his neck, wriggling it back and forth. He tugs his hand from mine and runs both of them over his face a few times.
He’s so damn cute the way he does that.
I’m too scared to assume this means anything, so I don’t speak. Maybe something happened to Scarlet. Or...I don’t know. But when his eyes connect with mine, I glance away.
“No. No, Cassy,” Josh says firmly and reaches out to cup my face. “Don’t do that.”
“I’m not,” I reply, but I am doing exactly that.
“Please, don’t.” His voice is soft and gruff. “First, tell me how you are feeling?”
“Why are you here?” I ignore his question because I can’t stand this a minute more.
If this is just a goodbye conversation, I don’t want it.
Not while the sun is rising outside and casting a warm orange glow. Not while I stare into the eyes of the man I’ve fallen in love with.
Surely I’m wrong. I mean, he slept in an uncomfortable hospital chair holding my hand all night.
Hope fights with fear inside me.
“There is nowhere else I should be. Just right here. With you,” Josh says, and I instruct my heart to wait.
“Because I’m not your client anymore?” I ask tentatively.
“No, because you belong to me.” Josh’s fingers press a little firmer on my face and his possessive words have my mouth falling open.
I belong to him?
He...what does that mean?
His phone beeps and he tugs it out, reading the message, then he stares at me a long moment. There’s something in his gaze that gives me pause.
But I don’t want this conversation to stop, so I open my mouth.
“I need to tell you a story.” He says before I can ask another question. I know he sees the doubt on my face. “One not many people know. Nearly ten years ago, my twin brother died.”
My eyes widen. I reach for his hand, and he tightens his fingers around mine.
“His pregnant wife died in a car accident while we were stationed overseas. He was also a SEAL.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you had a brother.”
I watch as Josh glances down at the bed momentarily, then he nods. “Finn was born three minutes after me.”
God that must be unimaginable. I want to wrap my arms around him, but I can tell he needs to keep talking and tell me everything.
“We were close. Insanely close. After Kaylee’s funeral, I watched him lose himself and I thought I could help him. But I couldn’t. He ended up committing suicide.”
I gasp.
“Josh, my god.” I cry softly.
When we were old enough, we signed up. Josh’s words when telling me he joined the navy come flooding back. The plural meaning now makes sense.
His gaze roams my face, then lands on mine. “I thought he killed himself because he’d lost the woman he loved. I swore I’d never let myself care for someone romantically.”
Oh god.
Did he stay here just to explain to me why he can’t love me?
“Josh. You can’t do that.” I cry more, hoping he won’t just walk away from this.
From us.
“I know. Fuck. I know.” Josh grips both sides of my face. “Cassy, I might be a strong man but I’m not strong enough to walk away from you. I need you in my life.”
I blink, overwhelmed by the intensity of his emotions.
“You do?”
“Yes, I...fuck. Cassy...” He says, then lets go of my face and stands. Then he walks a few steps away and turns, looking at me.
I wait.
“I can’t let you go,” Josh states, as he appears to be at war with himself.
“Okay.”
“But my life is unsafe at times.”
Oh.
“Black Hawke is involved with things I cannot share with you. I go to places, do things which could endanger you. Indirectly,” Josh says. “I will be in danger.”
I don’t understand. Isn’t this what he does? He’s trained for this. He’s done it all his life.
“Like a SEAL?” I squint.
“Yes, but without government back up,” he explains. “When I’m in the field, I don’t exist.”
Yes but...
“Weren’t you the backup when you were enlisted? As a SEAL?” I frown.
He stares at me for a long moment, then quietly snorts out a smile. “Jesus. Yes. But my point is if we, us, you and I—”
“Do the men you work with have girlfriends?” I ask and I can tell he’s getting frustrated, but this all seems like a bunch of excuses to me.
He stares at me again, and this time I wait.
And wait.
“Some, yes.” He finally answers. “Not everyone is involved in the same things I am. I could die, Cassy. Someone might target you.”
Well, I guess that needs consideration. But the same could be said for many military wives, and I know how protective he is.
Yes, I’ve been stalked and subjected to things that were terrible, but I feel safe with Josh. I love him. Like him, I’m not sure I have a choice. I can’t see myself loving anyone the way I do him.
He’s just...he’s it. The one.
But it’s up to him if he can accept this.
“Okay.” I say after a long minute.
“Okay?” His eyebrows lift. “After all you’ve been through already?”
“I mean, I don’t want to die. It’s just a figure of sp—”
He closes the distance and pulls me into his arms. Sliding his fingers through my hair, he smiles.
“You said okay.” There is such adoration in his eyes I almost can’t breathe.
“I did.”
“Cassy, Isaac is dead,” Josh says, and I gasp.
“What? How?”
“Because no one hurts my woman.” His voice is dark and thick with emotion.
I draw in a raggedy breath, unsure how I feel about what I think he’s telling me. But I’m not sad. Maybe it’s wrong, but I’m not.
And he just said I’m his woman, and now my heart is bursting open, and I think I might cry happy tears for about a year.
“You know, you could’ve just asked me on a date,” I say as tears fill my eyes.
Josh smirks, his eyes dilating, and I almost swoon, except I’m wrapped in his arms.
“Cass.”
“Josh,” I whisper.
“I’m so fucking in love with you I am going to explode if I don’t tell you,” he rasps.
The tears slide down my cheeks as his mouth closes over mine, and I wrap my arms tightly around his neck.
I’m never letting this man go.
“I’m going to marry you.” Josh smiles against my lips.
“You can’t tell me; you have to ask me.” I giggle.
“I’m warning you, Cassy Cartwright. I am going to marry you.”
There’s no way to argue with him when he takes my mouth and kisses me like I’m his world. Nor would I want to.