CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
JOSH
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I stand in the shadows outside the hospital and watch Cassy’s father be driven away. I’ve been unable to move from this spot for the past twenty minutes since ending my call with a contact who is taking care of Isaac for me.
I should leave. I have a team to debrief. Paperwork to fill out. And the cops want to speak to me.
They can wait.
A quick later from me when they called, and they knew I’d ring them tomorrow.
Cassy needs me.
But as I watched her in that fucking hospital bed, all I could see were shadows of Finn and Kaylee, and I remembered how this woman I care about could’ve died tonight. How losing her would break me into pieces if I’d let something happen to her.
I’ve already lost the person closest to me—my twin. I don’t know if I can survive losing someone else. I...I...
Fuck.
I run my hand over my face and curse into the night air.
How did I let this fucking happen?
I promised myself I would never feel like this about a woman. I can’t end up like Finn, and my world is too dangerous.
My phone rings, snapping me out of my dark thoughts. Tugging it from my back pocket, I know who it is from the ring tone. So I answer because right now I could do with hearing her loving voice.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Josh. I saw the news,” Mom says. “One of the men was wearing a BHS polo.”
I smile. “You’re too observant, Mom. Nothing happened. Just a small explosion in a hotel we were doing some low-level security at.”
Because it was. It was a big deal to Cassy and to me, but I don’t want her thinking it was some terrorist attack and spiral.
“And they caught the escaped convict from Kansas,” she continues.
Technically, I did.
“Yup,” I reply.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, because of course she knows I’m not right. She’s my mom.
“Just some work stuff.” I run my hand over my short hair and blow out a long breath. “Mom, do you think about Finn every day?”
“Of course I do. He’s my son. I think about you too. I worry all the time.”
“That’s not healthy.” I reply, shaking my head as I stare out into the dark parking lot. “I’m sorry.”
She’s quiet for a moment.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m proud of you. Proud of both of you. I blame your father for giving you the genes that allowed both you and Finn to be the powerful men you are.”
I let out a small laugh. “Don’t hate on Dad.”
“Not many people can do what you do, Josh. You care deeply and have a strong sense of justice. What mother wouldn’t be proud,” she continues. “Plus, you’ve survived one of the greatest losses one could experience.”
“So have you.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “Yes, darling. But do you know what the difference is?”
I’m scared to ask, but I don’t need to, because I know she’s going to tell me.
It’s what moms do.
“I kept my heart open.” Her voice is filled with motherly love.
But I’ve heard all this before. She’s asked me many times if I’ve met any nice girls yet. And when I’ll give her grandchildren.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired, or maybe it’s because I need some advice, but whatever it is, I open my mouth and say, “Perhaps I have. Opened my heart. I’m just not sure if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.”
“Josh.” Her warm, loving voice hits right at that spot that makes you swallow. “Do you love her?”
Goddamn mothers.
They are like psychics in slippers.
“Ahh,” I reply, glancing up, feeling a bunch of emotions envelop me in ways I’m not comfortable with.
“If you do, then you need to do the right thing. Follow your heart.”
“How do you even know what I’m talking about?” I almost whisper.
“Moms just know. Or I might be winging it.” She chuckles.
“My life is too dangerous, Mom. She’ll make me way too vulnerable. Look what happened to Finn.” I argue, pouring out all my fears. “When Kaylee died, he’d lost himself completely.”
“When both of them died, you didn’t.”
Ah, what?
I blink, processing that.
“You are not Finn. You might have looked the same, but you are not the same person, Josh,” Mom says firmly.
Holy hell.
“For reasons we’ll sadly never understand, Finn wasn’t able to deal with what happened to Kaylee and the baby. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that both of them would want you to be happy. Fall in love. Get married and have a family.”
But.
“If she gets hurt because of me—”
“Will you let that happen?” Mom asks.
I nearly did tonight.
I let the monster in Cassy’s world take her. How could she ever trust me?
It’s proof I can’t keep her safe. Me—a fucking Navy SEAL.
I don’t deserve her.
Yet here I stand.
Not leaving.
I fucked up and let my feelings interfere with my judgment. I should’ve been by her side, shadowing her. I would’ve escorted her out of the room.
Instead, we were being pro-fucking-fessional because I hurt her when I told her we should never have crossed the line.
The truth is, I’m not sure there was ever a choice. I was attracted to her before I met her.
Then she took my breath away.
Now she’s stolen my heart like a thief. And...
“Mom, I need to go,” I say suddenly, knowing what I need to do.
“Call me later in the week.”
“I will.” I put my phone back in my pocket and stare out into the night for a moment more.
I close my eyes and recall Finn’s expression as he watched Kaylee being buried. The utter destruction of his soul was clear that day, but I mistook it for grief. Maybe there was more to it, as Mom said.
Christ, can I really let myself love Cassy?
You already do, brother.
My body stills as I hear his voice.
“Finn,” I whisper into the night.
Go get your girl. I lost mine, but that doesn’t mean you will.
Fuck. Am I losing my mind?
I blink away the annoying water in my eyes and curse again.
SEALs don’t fucking cry.
Lifting my face to the stars, I ask one more question. The one I’ve wanted to ask for a long time. “Did you leave because you couldn’t live without her?”
A breeze brushes over my skin and I feel a little crazy as I wait for a reply.
I shake my head. Stupid. He wasn’t really there.
No, brother. I left because I couldn’t live with myself.
MY SHOES POUND on the stairs as I race back into the hospital. Pushing open the door, I attempt to calm myself as I enter the ward, my heart slamming inside my chest.
Cassy.
When I find the door to her room, I open it and blink, allowing my eyes to readjust.
“Thank god. What took you so long?” Scarlet says, uncurling herself from the chair and standing.
“What?” I ask as she walks over.
“All yours, big boy.” Scarlet pats my chest.
“You knew I was coming back?”
She glances back at Cassy. “Well, you’d be a fucking idiot if you didn’t. And you’d miss out on the t-shirt, so I figured you would.”
I shake my head and assume one day I’ll get an explanation for her obsession with t-shirts.
“Don’t lie to her and don’t promise her something you can’t and won’t keep.”
“I won’t,” I say, expecting Scarlet to leave. But of course she doesn’t.
“And you have to set me up with one of your hot friends.”
“Go home.” I growl.
“Worth a try.” Scarlet grins.
As the door clicks shut behind her, I’m finally alone with Cassy. I stare at her small body lying on the hospital bed and listen to her soft breaths.
Slowly, I walk over to the chair already pulled close and sit. I reach for her hand, threading my fingers between hers and feel my entire body relax.
Then I lean back and close my eyes.