Chapter 57 #2
“I used to think being trapped here was a curse, that I was stuck in the same body with the same mind as the moment I left. I used to sit around thinking about everyone I left behind, and how they would have lived an entire life by the time I returned, if I ever did. All I would be is the young First Guard left to protect an aging king, and I’d be alone.
“But then you showed up, and everything I thought was a curse wasn’t anymore.
I stopped begging the gods to take back the years I spent in this purgatory.
I saw you, and I had hope that maybe I could have a life, and that my time wasn’t wasted.
But as quickly as the hope filled me, it disappeared just as fast. I remembered it didn’t matter, and that I still couldn’t do anything about it. ”
“What do you mean?” I finally manage to say, my chin quivering and making my voice shake.
His groan comes out more like a roar as he throws his hands up, clutching his hair at the back of his head. He takes a few quick steps away, breaking the trance between us.
“I can’t have you, Lennox! Not the way I want you. The rules don’t disappear just because we’re here! It doesn’t matter what I feel or what I want. I could love you with every fiber of my being, and it wouldn’t be enough.”
My spine stiffens and my body freezes as my name rolls so easily off his tongue.
Not princess.
Lennox.
Then the rest of what he said registers in my mind.
I can’t have you.
Love you with every fiber of my being.
“I’m the only one who can say who can have me and who can’t,” I say, my voice oddly calm in the wake of his confession.
He shakes his head and pain fills his eyes as his hands drop back down to his sides.
“When we get home, our titles won’t disappear. You’re going to be the princess again, whether you want to be here or not. And since I was never replaced, I’m going to be First Guard.”
He lifts his hand and the ring that symbolizes his commitment to the crown glints in the room’s dim light.
“I can never be with you, never provide you with alliances or wealth.” He closes the space between us and cups my face in his hands, eyes imploring, forgetting his previous commitment not to touch me.
“But I will be yours. I will do anything to remain at your back and keep you safe. I don’t care how much I have to suffer watching you choose someone else and build a life with him.
It doesn’t matter, as long as I can be close to you. ”
The tears that had been filling my eyes over the last few minutes finally fall in steady streams, and his face blurs in the onslaught.
His voice drops low, still full of intensity as his thumbs swipe across my cheeks.
“I was furious when I woke up and you were gone, but I was also terrified.” His throat bobs as he swallows hard. “I could have lost you. Once Dane found out he couldn’t get what he wanted anymore, he didn’t need you, and I wasn’t there to protect you.”
“But you were,” I choke out. “You found me.”
“He still hurt you,” he mumbles, one hand shifting to the back of my head where the tenderness has disappeared. His eyes fall to my neck, down to where the cut from my dagger has already healed. “I won’t let him hurt you again.”
Of all the ways I’d expected this conversation to go, I did not expect this.
I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say. I expected Weston to yell at me tonight, to be furious for going behind his back, but to confess all of this, and tell me nothing could come of it?
All I want to do is shout back at him and convince him he is wrong.
I want to tell him how I feel and order him to break his oath.
I can’t find the words. Instead, I just stare at him, taking in every detail of his sparkling teal eyes as they roam my face, settling on my lips.
“Why did you beg me not to kill him?” Weston murmurs, and I don’t even think before my response comes spilling from my mouth.
“Because I wouldn’t be able to live with you trapped here forever.” The words are a rushed whisper, and his eyes meet mine.
I don’t know what I see there. Acceptance? Excitement? Gratitude?
Did he think I was begging for Dane’s life instead of begging for his? Was he expecting me to say because I still had feelings for Dane?
My palms come to rest on his chest, and I push him away.
His hands drop from my face and he steps back immediately, a look of confusion coming over him as he watches me cross the room.
I walk to the chair with his belt hanging off the side, his scabbard and sword still present since we didn’t go to the armory once we returned.
The metal zings as I unsheathe it, moving quickly until I’m standing in front of him again.
I extend the hilt toward him, and his head quirks to the side as he wraps his fingers around it.
“You said you swore an oath that you can’t break,” I say. My shoulders settle and I don’t look away as I conjure all the confidence and regality I never once felt worthy of.
“Swear a new one,” I command.
Weston drops to one knee, so fast I barely register it. The point of the sword stabs into the wooden floor as he holds it out in front of him, both hands wrapped around the hilt firmly, his head bowed the same way I had seen every guard recite their pledge in the past.
“I pledge my service to the kingdom of Blackwood,” he starts, the traditional pledge that I have heard so many times in my life, but instead of keeping his head bowed, he lifts his chin, his gaze piercing mine as he pins me to the spot.
“I give my sword.”
I swallow hard, the tension and desire in his face too much.
“My body.”
My heart pounds, the pace rising in my chest as I register that he’s changed the pledge. This isn’t the pledge of loyalty to Blackwood. This is Weston’s pledge, his oath to me.
“My life and my heart to my queen.”
My chest heaves and I can’t catch a breath. I just stare into his eyes, using every ounce of strength I have not to throw myself at him before he finishes.
“I swear my loyalty to her, Lennox Holt, and vow to stay by her side in whatever way she will have me, until the breath stills in my lungs.”
His eyes smolder, and the ember within them lights a deep flame, burning me from the inside out.
He clears his throat, his voice dropping to a gravelly whisper.
“Long live the queen.”