Chapter 4
I stare at the woman in the mirror, and I don’t recognize myself anymore.
I’ve let my hair go to its natural color, more honey brown than anything.
It would probably look good if I put forth any effort, but there’s no point.
The dark circles under my eyes are only more evidence of the fact that I don’t sleep anymore.
The hell of the last few years won’t allow that.
My eyes look dead, which works because that’s how I feel—how most of me wishes I was.
I’m tired. So tired that it has seeped down into my bones, leaving scars and a sadness that will never leave.
“It’s going to be okay, Livy.” I turn to look at Winnie.
She’s perched on my bed, dressed in her black slacks and white dress shirt.
She has her dark black hair in a high ponytail, and her neutral makeup is impeccable.
I envy the easy finesse she has in styling.
She always looks chic, in control, and most of all effortlessly gorgeous—my total opposite.
If she weren’t my best friend and the one person in this whole world that is keeping me from losing myself in the abyss, I would hate her.
Winnie makes that impossible. For two years, she has held my hand, pulled me out of the darkness enough so I could breathe, and held me while I cried.
I’d be dead without her. Sometimes I don’t know whether to curse her or thank her for that small fact.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she huffs.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it will be.
A year ago, there’s no way you could do this.
Hell, I’m not even sure you could have a month ago. ”
I take a shaky breath and stare down at my bare feet.
I’m in a navy blue wrap-around maxi dress.
My hair is up in a bun, and small diamond studs are in my ears.
I have matching ballet flats to put on. It’s plain, but the long sleeves and long length of the dress give me comfort.
Besides, I don’t care how I look anymore.
That’s the least important thing in my life.
I have on a base cover of blending powder on my face and neck, some light lip gloss, and that’s it.
I didn’t even bother with mascara or anything else.
There’s no point. I’d rather not look like a raccoon at the funeral.
“Winnie, I’m not even sure I can do any of this tonight,” I confess softly.
“You can,” she argues at once. “Besides, I’m going to be with you every single step of the way. I promise you, Livy. I will not let you fall.”
I nod, my facial features tight with the effort it takes to withhold my tears. “Dad deserved better,” I whisper.
“He did, but you did all you could do. You’ve been his constant companion since you got free. You made his last two years on this earth peaceful and filled with your love for him. Do not let yourself forget that.”
“I’ll try. Thank you for going to the funeral with me tonight.
I don’t expect a lot of people there, but the mere thought of being there …
” I trail off, thinking of my father as tears sting my eyes.
I lost out on so many of his good days because of the demon that biology made my brother.
I hope he’s rotting in hell, but I’m almost positive he’s not.
He’s in hiding, lying in wait to cause more pain. That’s who he is.
“Have you thought anymore about moving to the Black Stone Ranch? Carson said they’ve got a house you can stay in. You can work for him. It might make you feel more secure.”
I swallow nervously. Winnie has been really good to me.
She has three cousins who own and operate Black Stone Ranch.
They’re all ex-military, and she thought I’d feel safer there than out on my own.
She’s probably right, but it also feels like another prison—even if it is one that I choose.
I just can’t get myself to agree—at least not yet.
I am thinking about moving. The only thing that stops me is that I have no idea where Douglas is hiding.
My instincts are telling me I’m only safe here—in this place that I now loathe—because Douglas is afraid to come back here.
I have more than enough reasons to hate the Saint’s Outlaws at this point, but if I can use them to my advantage, then I’ll do it.
At least, I feel safe in knowing they have one member I can trust in their group.
“I’m still thinking about it. If they were in another state, I’d have already said yes. To be honest, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t be moving, Winnie.”
“That’s the last thing you need to be doing—at least somewhere you don’t have a support system set up.
Let me help you, Livy. You’re not alone.
If you weren’t so stubborn, you’d have enough money that you could hire your own security team,” she points out.
She often tries to remind me of that. Bear had one of his men charged with finding me if something were to happen to him.
The man gave me a letter and enough money to see me through the rest of my life.
I haven’t touched the money. I’ve been living off my savings, and now, what remains from Dad's life insurance after covering his funeral expenses. I know I’ll have to find a job soon because I don’t want to touch Bear’s money.
He gave me what I needed the most with his goodbye and his letter.
Just the thought of it makes my heart squeeze in my chest. He deserved so much more than he received. I wish I could turn back the clock …
I take a breath and look at Winnie. “Let’s just go. Once I bury my father … then I’ll figure out what comes next.”
“Do you think the demon spawn will show up?”
“I don’t think so, but Sean is going to be there in case,” I admit.
“I think Detective Sutton would agree to be your personal bodyguard pretty easily,” she singsongs.
“Let’s go,” I whisper again, my voice hoarse with unshed tears. Winnie gets the hint and squeezes my hand as we walk out of my bedroom and through the main room.
I’m living in Winnie’s apartment. At some point that should probably change, but I feel a little safer not having anything in my name.
I know, however, everything will change after today.
People have seen my father’s obituary. They will show up today, just to see if I’m there.
I fully expect to see Blade there. The man I thought I loved once.
The man who lied to me. The man I suppose I betrayed—although it doesn’t feel like that.
If anything, I feel as if I betrayed Bear …
I push my thoughts away. I’m going to need all my energy to get through today.
I’ll worry about everything else as it comes at me.
If the last two years have taught me nothing, it’s that you just have to wait to see what comes next and pray you survive.
That’s become my mantra, and it’s especially true today because I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.