Chapter 3
Three
Jaclyn
I wore the dress he likes, the one with the open back and it’s dark red which makes his eyes darken with want. I curled my hair, which I never do, put on lipstick and even forced myself to forget about the carbs I was about to eat at the Italian restaurant he made a reservation for.
For a while I was feeling excited.
Date nights between Hayden and I were rare.
Between the chaos with the kids, Hayden always leaving for reasons he won’t tell me, and then my part-time writing, we barely have time to sit on the couch together, let alone escape into a world where we could pretend that we weren’t constantly exhausted.
We took Hayden’s black LaFerrari and the drive was nice. He was going fast and cutting between cars with his hand on my thigh.
But as soon as a message pinged on his phone, his good mood vanished.
Just like it did all the time whenever he got a text and told me he had to leave somewhere.
This whole day we’ve been spending time with the kids and then as soon as the sitter came, he kissed down my neck, telling me how good I looked before we got into the car.
Ten minutes into the dinner, I knew something was up. He was quiet. Too quiet.
He wasn’t the smirking Hayden I’d dressed up for. He wasn’t holding my hand across the table or smiling at me.
It made me feel like something was wrong with me.
Like I wasn’t good enough.
He made me feel exactly how I felt in high school.
But I won’t cry in front of him because the Hayden who’s been sleeping next to me isn’t the same Hayden that I fell in love with and gave a second chance to.
I sip my wine and try to make conversation with him again. “So, Junior’s math teacher emailed me today.”
“Yea?” he asks, his eyes flicking towards me before going back to his plate.
“Yea, apparently, he’s been helping other kids understand the homework. She said that she’s never seen someone his age explain things so clearly.”
This would be the time where he says something like, he got his smarts from me or make a joke out of it but all he does is nod.
It was the kind of nod that meant he wasn’t really listening.
And I felt my heart crack.
I wore this dress and got ready for him.
Just so he can see me.
Does he still love me?
Are the messages on his phone someone else?
Does he not want me anymore?
Does he want to throw me away like I’m some toy he’s bored of?
Is he finally done with me?
Was I not enough?
What did I need to do to make him see me?
I was fine with losing him all those years ago but now, I can’t lose him.
Not when I have three kids with him and he’s the only one who knows how deep my scars truly run.
I swear I was close to tearing up but then the waiter came by with the check.
Hayden takes care of it and when the waiter comes back with his card, we leave the restaurant and drive home.
During the drive, Hayden doesn’t put his hand on my thigh as he drives back. He drives at a faster speed, like he’s angry and just wants to go home already.
The weight of everything he didn’t say felt like it was crushing in my chest.
I had enough.
I couldn’t do this anymore.
When the front door closed behind us, I turned to face him. “What’s going on with you?”
“Not tonight, Jaclyn,” he mutters as he pulls his jacket off.
Saying my name.
Not princess or Jackie.
Just with a cold and dismissive tone.
“No,” I cross my arms over my chest. “You don’t get to check out all night, lie to me about what’s going on with you, change the subject multiple times, and make me feel like shit. You’ve been off for weeks, ever since you started disappearing. Coming home late. Lying!”
He turns, eyes flashing. “I’m not lying.”
I scoff. “Bullshit.
He walks towards me. “You don’t understand. You won’t.”
“Then help me understand!” I shout, forcing the tears to go down as I basically beg him for more. “You said this was behind us!”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is! You keep walking away from me and making me feel like complete shit like I’m not enough for you.”
He looks at me like I’m crazy.
Like I’m crazy for feeling like this. “When I have I ever fucking said that?” He raises his voice.
“You didn’t have to say anything, Hayden.
You show it through your actions. Nodding when I’m trying to make conversation with you, always leaving all day and not returning home for dinner, checking your phone for messages, not looking at me!
” I can’t stop the tears from my eyes. “I know you’d never cheat Hayden but why does it feel like you are?
Your job or whatever you’re doing with Killian and Rowan, you’re cheating on me with that because for some reason, the Hayden I fell in love with, isn’t coming home. ”
He shakes his head. “Don’t do that. I don’t mean to make you feel like that, it’s just I’m trying to protect you.”
“I didn’t ask you to protect me! I asked you to be here!”
The silence that follows is deafening and we stare at each other, both breathing heavily. I can’t help the tears that fall and I wipe them away. “Shit,” I say, feeling embarrassed for crying in front of my own husband.
“Mommy?” We both turn at the same time. Easton is standing at the first step of the stairs holding his tiger stuffed animal while rubbing his tiny fists against his eyes. “Why are you yelling?”
Shit.
I walk up to him and pick him up to hold him up to my waist. “I’m sorry, baby. We didn’t mean to wake you.” He looks past me to Hayden, confusion written all over his face. “Let’s get you back to bed, okay?” He nods and buries his face in my neck.
As I carry him upstairs I look back once.
Hayden stands there, jaw clenched, hands in fists at his sides.
And the moment I’m out of sight, I hear the front door open.
And close.
Hard.