Chapter 4
Four
Hayden
The house is quiet when I get back.
Too quiet.
It’s the kind of silence that makes you feel like you don’t belong in your own home.
I stand in the hallway for a second, letting the weight of everything sink in. My fists still ache from how tightly I clenched them. My jaw too. From holding back all the things I didn’t say earlier.
I never wanted to yell at her. Not Jaclyn but, fuck, I was stretched so thin I felt like I might snap straight down the middle.
Whenever I get a message from Killian, I can’t help but go into some sort of protective zone or something. Like I can’t show or tell anything to Jaclyn in order to protect her.
The message from Killian during dinner, I didn’t expect it. He sent me more information on the person who is possibly stealing from him and Rowan hasn’t stopped blowing up my phone. I felt overwhelmed and then I had my beautiful wife, sitting in front of me waiting for me to notice her.
I drop my keys on the counter and head upstairs.
I go into River’s room first, checking on her. She’s sleeping snuggly in her little princess bed that I built for her. She is holding a Simba stuffy against her chest. Her mouth is parted as she snores loudly.
I move a strand of hair away from her face and lean down to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. She looks so much like her mother with the soft brown eyes and long brown hair. She is a creative kid and has such a wild imagination like Jaclyn.
I leave River’s room and check on Junior who is right across from River’s. Junior has one leg out of his bed and he is completely sprawled out on the bed. His night lamp is on because he’s secretly scared of the dark but he will always act like tough shit.
His room is a mess like always even though Jaclyn and I tell him all the time to clean up after himself.
I leave his room and go to check on Easton who heard Jaclyn and I yelling.
When I open the door and look inside I notice his bed is full.
My stomach sinks as I see Jaclyn holding Easton in the little twin sized bed, holding our son like he was the last bit of peace she had left. I walk closer to them and notice her tear stained cheeks and that her eyes are puffy.
My heart fucking breaks.
All I could think about when I left was how I made her feel.
I made her feel like she wasn’t enough, like she needed to be better or look better and that’s the worst feeling especially after knowing everything she went through.
Jaclyn went through hell and back and she did it all alone when I should have been there for her. She’s there for everyone but when is someone going to be there for her?
I was supposed to be the person she can hold onto and always go to whenever things are too hard to carry. I was supposed to be there to help her through everything and I ended up being the thing she started crying about.
I move quietly and pick her up, the way I have hundreds of times before.
She stirs against me. “H-Hayden?”
“Yea, it’s me,” I whisper as I carry her out of the room and close the door behind me.
Her arms loop lazily around my neck as I carry her back to our room. She doesn’t protest, just sighs and rests her head against my chest, like even half asleep, she needed me close.
I lay her down on the bed and sit beside her, brushing her hair away from her face. She looks at me, half asleep but slowly waking up. “I’m sorry I made you feel like that. That’s the last thing I want to make you feel.”
“Then why did you?”
I sigh before raking my fingers through my hair. “I didn’t realize that I was pushing you away while trying to also protect you.”
“You need to stop doing that.” Jaclyn sits up and wraps the blanket around her.
“I’ve survived the worst, Hayden. All I need is you, all I want is you.
The only reason I was able to survive what I did is because I knew you were waiting for me but what’s the point of you protecting me or us when you won’t be there afterwards?
” I look at her, really look at her and see what she’s carrying.
The weight of another possible lie, the weight of taking care of the kids by herself when I’m not here.
“You’ve been lying to me. We’re supposed to be partners Hayden and tell each other things but it feels like I’ve been doing all this by myself. ”
“I know, I’m sorry. Killian... he’s having some issues and he needs me to help.”
“Will you helping him cause me to lose you though? You have your own family and that should always come first.”
I rest my hand on her knee. “I know, princess. I’m sorry.
It’s just...” I sigh and rake my hands through my hair again.
“It’s just that I needed a break and Killian was there and I got in too deep again with the wrong people.
Now he needs help and I couldn’t say no.
” Her face falls but she doesn’t interrupt.
“Someone’s been stealing from him. He wants me to handle it and figure it out.
I didn’t want to because I knew what this would mean. ”
“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth instead of lying to me? You think I like telling the kids that I don’t know where you are? They aren’t blind, they see what’s happening too.”
“I know,” I say, my voice low. “I thought I’d lose you if I told you. I thought it would drive a wedge between us.”
She reaches for my hand, threading her fingers through mine. “You don’t lose me by telling the truth, you lose me by keeping secrets.”
I pull her closer and rest my forehead against hers. “It’s just this one last thing. Once I help him figure it out, I’m done. I swear.”
Her breaths hitch and for a long second, we just sit there in the silence between heartbeats.
Then Jaclyn leans forward and kisses me.
Soft, slow, like a quiet forgiveness.
I cup her face, deepening the kiss, letting everything I couldn’t say bleed through my hands, my mouth.
I trail one of my hands down her body and hold her thigh, grabbing her to pull her onto my lap.
Her legs wrap around me and my hands start to slowly slide under her shirt as the kiss turns hungry, desperate, like we were making up for every second lost to silence.
I grab her shirt and rip it off her. I lean down and take her nipple in my mouth. She holds my head against her chest as she grinds into me, my erection growing hard beneath her. I lick and suck her nipple in my mouth. She grips my hair in her hands and moans.
I switch over to the next one as she slides her hands down to undo my belt.
Our clothes are ripped off from each other and I pull her back on my lap and hold her against me as she slowly slides down my shaft.
When I finally sink fully inside her, it feels like coming home.
There was no space between us, no anger, or lies.
“Oh, Hayden,” she moans, gripping my hair.
I lean towards her and kiss her, all the thoughts and worries disappear as I move inside her. She rocks against me, getting faster with every motion.
I didn’t apologize to her with my words anymore. I apologized with my hands gripping her hips like she’ll disappear with every breathless groan of her name on my lips.
We kiss passionately and I grip her ass in my hands, moving her on me.
“I love you so much,” I whisper against her lip.
She clenches around me and presses a hard, demanding kiss on my mouth. She can have all the kisses she wants. She can steal every single kiss from my mouth until I have nothing left and I’ll be okay.
“I love you,” she whispers back.
My cock tenses inside her and like her body knows, she tightens around me. I slam inside her and hold her against me as I spill my seed inside her.
She shivers and moans while on top of me.
All I can think about as we both finish at the same time is Jaclyn.
Just Jaclyn. My life, my everything.
And me, clinging to her like she was the only thing keeping me alive.
Because in a way she was.
Always has been and always will be.