Chapter 6
Six
Jaclyn
It’s hard to enjoy dinner when I know it’s starting again.
River is laughing and making a mess per usual, Easton is trying to tell me about his day at school, and Junior has the same look I have in my eyes as he constantly looks down the hallway to where the front door is, wondering if his dad is going to show up or not for another family dinner he missed this week.
We were doing good, I don’t know what happened or how we got here.
I’m feeling the silence.
The small shift happening between him and our family.
I’m feeling anxious about him not coming home at the time he said he would.
For a week, things between us were fine but then Killian started asking for him more. He started coming home late at night this week, but in the beginning he would text me. But tonight, I haven’t gotten one single text from him.
All week he has been with Killian and at least before, he would have days off to spend time with me or the kids but it feels like we only see him in the morning and then he’s gone.
“Mommy,” Easton says, moving his plate towards me. “Can I have more mashed potatoes?”
“Of course, baby.” I force a smile and scoop some mashed potatoes on his plate. I look back at Junior who stares at the door again, like he expected Hayden to walk through with his arms wide and a big smile on his face.
But the door stayed closed.
“Where’s dad at?” Junior finally asks.
I hesitate, my throat tightening. “He’s with Luna’s dad. Work stuff.”
Another lie.
Another cover I wasn’t sure I could keep telling.
Junior is old enough to understand the shift between us and Hayden pulling back.
After we’re all done eating our food, the boys help me clean up while I clean up River’s chair and her mouth. Now that the boys are older, they help around the house whenever they can or whenever I tell them too.
I want to be proud that they are helping me without me asking but it’s hard when all I’m thinking about is their father’s whereabouts and whether he’s coming home or not. Usually I go to sleep and ignore it but the more I do, the more it’s all bugging me and becoming too much.
Once we’re all done cleaning up, I send the boys upstairs to wash up for bed. I bring River to my and Hayden’s bathroom so that I can take a bath with her. Hayden and I always end up just showering with her because she makes a mess in the tub and water ends up going everywhere.
After River’s bath, I read her a bedtime story and she knocks out after the first few pages. For Easton, I put on the little song machine he has in his room because it helps him fall asleep. Junior has his night lamp on and I’m about to close the door but he stops me.
“Is dad coming home?”
My heart cracks a little bit.
I don’t know but I can’t say that to him.
I don’t want to make Hayden look bad because Hayden isn’t a bad dad, he just makes bad decisions that are reckless and sometimes selfish.
I walk into his room and sit on his bed. “Yea, he just got held up but I’m sure he’ll be home soon.”
“He’s been gone a lot lately.” I don’t say anything because I can’t. Everything I want to say, I can’t say to Junior. I don’t want Junior to see his father as a bad guy. “You guys have been fighting a lot too.”
“Adults fight. It’s normal.” I rub his shoulder and lean towards him to press my lips against his forehead. “Get sleep, you have school tomorrow.”
I get up and as I’m about to walk out, Junior says, “Love you, mom.”
“Love you, too.” I force a smile on my face as I close his bedroom door.
I go downstairs to the living room and turn on some random show. Even though my laptop is on the coffee table in front of me I don’t even try to write.
I just wait.
An hour passes.
Another hour long episode plays.
And by the time I hear the front door creak open it’s 1 in the morning.
I turn towards the entryway and see him.
He closes the door behind him as he stands tall, broad, and tired.
I look down at his hands, they are red. The knuckles scraped raw and skin torn in places, blood dripping from the cuts on his hand. His shirt has smudges too, dark and angry.
“Are you serious right now?” I stand slowly.
He freezes like he didn’t expect me to be awake and wait for him. “Princ-”
“Don’t princess me.” I storm towards him. “What the hell is going on with you? You’re coming home late again, barely seeing the kids or me, and walking in our home like this?”
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says, low and firm. “It wasn’t supposed to go this far...”
“But it did. And you didn’t even call or text that you were coming home.
You left me here by myself with the lies I had to tell the kids.
When River cried and asked where her daddy was I had to tell her that he’ll be home soon when I didn’t even know if that was true or not.
Easton, when he was done with his shower, asked why you were still gone.
Or Junior when he kept looking at the door during dinner to see if you’d show up,” I say, as tears build in my eyes. “I can’t keep doing this Hayden.”
“I told you, I’m handling something for Killian. It shouldn’t be long before this is all done. It’s temporary.”
“Temporary?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “That’s always what you tell me. But when is this temporary shit going to make you see that it’s also putting us in danger? Did you forget what happened? Did you forget what I had to go through?”
His eyes darken. “Don’t bring that up.”
“I will bring it up, Hayden, because the shit you’re in right now is way worse than it was with Eric and Marco because this time it’s the Mafia and you have three children living under your roof!”
“I knew I should’ve never fucking told you.” He shakes his head.
“And lie to me?”
“If I lied to you, at least I’d be somewhat protecting you. It’s better when you don’t know anything. You think I want this? That I want to walk around with blood on my hands?” he shouts, his voice echoing off the walls.
I stare at him, my heart pounding hard in my chest.
How did we even get here?
How did it get this bad?
We were doing fine.
“I’m not mad that you’re bleeding, Hayden.
I’m mad that you didn’t think I could handle the wounds.
I don’t care what the reasons are. I care that you’re pulling away from us, from me.
” I point to my chest. “Imaging how I feel when the kids ask me where their father constantly is. You’re making me feel exactly how I felt when you first started doing this shit, Hayden, and I can only take so much.
” He steps forward but I step back. “I can’t do this tonight.
I’m tired of how many fucking times I have to tell you. ”
I turn and go up the stairs, not waiting for his reply.
Behind me I hear him punch a wall and I swear I felt that punch in my heart as a sob breaks through. I don’t look back or go downstairs.
I climb into bed and pull the blanket over my body even though I know sleep won’t come easy.
This isn't the first time I’ve felt alone in this house but somehow it still hurts just as much.