51 | Apologies #3
Even if she's civil, that disdain in her eyes is there, the pain.
But she just comes closer, up the steps until we're in the same space.
"Are you still...together?" She pushes the word out like it's physically hurting her.
"I... it's complicated."
"Complicated?"
"We're on a break," It's the best way I can put it, but it comes out sheepish and stupid. The way she's looking at me with such a cold look doesn't help, either. Her jaw clenches, eyes dull as I search for any more words.
"Why?"
Because I can't imagine not being with him.
My stupid mouth chooses not to work, chooses not to spill any of the thoughts so attached to him.
Riley continues, all judgment, "He's the reason you went through that? You don't blame him?"
"He's a good person, Riley," Speaking from the heart almost hurts, but at least it's the truth. "He made some shitty mistakes but he's better than that, than those people he got mixed up with."
She blinks, face scrunching into a new level of disgust, "Jesus, has he manipulated you too? I don't get it... why everyone falls for his sob story when he hurts everyone around him."
"They do?"
"My parents... he's told them everything and they're... being nice to him, nicer than they've been in a long time. I don't get it."
But I think I get it. Nolan's opened up wounds deeper than anyone realised they were, let all the things he went through bubble to the surface. But to Riley, that feels like invalidating her pain, her years of trying to make him work for his mistakes.
I'm sure his parents didn't know the extent of any of it, and I can see how trying to repair their bond with their son feels like a slap in the face to Riley. But it's not fair for her to be angry at him for coming to terms with the things he experienced.
"His past isn't so black and white. You have to give him some grace..."
"I know he struggled okay, he told me all of it himself. But I struggled too, a lot, because of him. Then as soon as I thought we were building something good again he did the one thing I asked him not to... both of you did."
"And I'm sorry for that, really. I never meant to betray you... not telling you was a mistake."
"Well you did betray me!" Her voice reaches a sharp tone, prickling with hurt, "I care about you, I was worried shitless after the police found you but I can't forgive you yet. I saw a video of you fucking my brother, I can't ever wipe that from my mind. And you lied to me, for weeks."
Tears start to well up behind my eyes again, my breath baited as Riley glares at me from across the porch. She hates me.
But I have to try, I don't want to lose her. I can't.
"It was never meant to happen like that. But we're not messing around Riley... I love him."
It's the first time I've ever said it out loud and I can practically hear my heart in my chest jump at the words. I love him. I love Nolan.
Our moment a few minutes ago flashes back, his gentle smile, teary eyes, soft voice. I think I'm missing him more than I realised.
"No," Riley tuts, shaking her head, "You don't get to say that....you can't-"
"But it's true, I'm not lying to you anymore."
She lets out a huff of frustration, barely looking at me as her voice reaches a wobbly level of composure, "You're unbelievable!"
"What do you want me to say? That I'm never going to see him again? I'll keep apologising because I hate that I hurt you, but I don't know what more you want from me," The words come out more strained than I intended, my voice almost cracking.
This version of us, our friendship torn apart after trying to keep it together for so long, lets a dizzying tear escape down my cheek.
"I want you to decide what you want."
The lights from her house behind me bleed into my peripheral vision as I try to understand what she's asking me.
"If you want a chance of me forgiving you... you can't be with him."
"You're asking me to choose?" I question, voice so quiet I can barely hear it.
She nods, moving a little closer so her face is obscured by a dark streak of shadow. I've never seen her look so solemn like she's holding onto her upset so closely it's the only thing she has left.
Choose? Between them?
Keeping me and Nolan a secret has been that fucking ultimatum. I've been living between this choice for weeks and all it's done has caused every person I care about to be torn away from me.
I'm not doing that again.
I clear my throat, as controlled as I can, "I'm sorry that I lied, that I upset you, but I can't choose, Riley. Not between two people I care about so much. I don't want to lose either of you."
She nods, slowly, pushing a meek, sad smile onto her lips. She's crying now too, but wipes them away quicker than they can properly fall.
"So him," She murmurs, "You chose him." Her hands fumble with her keys as she pushes past me towards the front door.
"No wait, I didn't I-"
"Bye, Ava," She says with one final look at me before slipping through her doorway.
Suddenly I'm on the porch alone.
She's never going to forgive me.
?? ?????????? ??
When Riley walks in I can tell how her and Ava's conversation went immediately. Terrible.
She practically storms into the living room, like there's a grey cloud hovering above her head. Her hands wipe away tears as if she's trying to hide them, but it just makes them more obvious.I should've stayed out there.
"What did you say to her?" I ask, cautiously, extremely aware that she doesn't want to speak to me.
"Don't fucking talk to me."
"You can't ignore me, we need to talk."
"No need, your perfect loyal girlfriend has done all the talking. She picked you."
"Riley, she shouldn't have to pick anyone-"
"No, she shouldn't, because you shouldn't have ever been involved with her!" She shouts, finally looking at me with a scarred expression. The air goes still as she realises our parents are in the house... they don't need any more of our arguments.
"I've said sorry for lying to you, I didn't want to hurt your feelings, okay? But you know me and Ava are serious, this isn't just something we did to piss you off."
"Yeah, I know," Her voice splinters, "You're in fucking love or whatever."
"And does that not mean something to you?" I counter, that big scary word now a vulnerability that's ripped open and roaring in the air, "That two people close to you are happy together?"
It's like she can't hear me, not really.
All her defensive walls crush any other possible perspective.
Ava could've died, she's having panic attacks because her dad did die, but our relationship is the worst possible thing that could be happening right now?
I'm trying to fully understand Riley but it's so difficult when she lashes out without listening.
I can tell her how much I'm in love with Ava, what she means to me, and all she'll hear is me stabbing her in the back.
"Anyone but you, literally anyone," She mutters, half to me, half to the ceiling as she tries to contain a new spill of tears.
"What did you want us to do? If we told you you'd act exactly how you're acting now. We were backed into a corner-"
"You shouldn't have done anything in the first place!" It sounds like it should be a yell but falls out in a whisper-sob, "Why don't you get that?"
"I'm sorry, for how it came out... but not for falling in love with her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me... I can't apologise for that."
There's a moment of silence, tension that ripples through the air as both of us resist the urge to keep fighting in circles.
My head aches, my brain flashes back the hazy years of arguments we used to have.
In this living room. It's the worst kind of twisted deja vu.
The lights make my vision swim as Riley lowers herself onto the couch.
But it's not hostile, she's just crying, really crying.
It's like she's out of fight all together, her sobs defeated as she palms her face into her hands.
My stomach twists in pain, guilt knotting through my body in a way that hurts.
Even under these circumstances I never want to see her like that.
She's my sister, who I hurt, who's drowning in her anger. She doesn't deserve this.
I move to sit next to her without really thinking, our knees touching slightly. Maybe siblings with a less fucked up relationship would hug, maybe she'd cry on my shoulder, but this is the most amount of affection that makes sense. It's more than usual and maybe that says something.
"Is this even about me and Ava?" I whisper, slowly, "Or is it just about me?"
"Both of you," She garbles, "But you... I tried so hard to make things right and now it feels all useless. Mom and fucking dad feel all sorry for you, my best friend wants to date you... and no one seems to see how much you hurt people."
When I walked out that police station mom hugged me.
I don't think she's hugged me since I was five.
It wasn't forgiveness, more like relief that I wasn't dead.
Because she still cares about me. And when I told my parents everything, properly, they didn't get mad or shut me out, they listened.