51 | Apologies #4
They didn't know about the ways I was treated, beaten up, intimidated by Xavier and that the substances were a way to shut that out.
They didn't know about Maria and her son.
For the first time they looked at me like I wasn't just a reckless mess, that maybe there was a path that turned me into someone worse than I should've been.
We've talked, a few times since then, and it's like the truth has opened up our relationship again.
They're willing to let me rebuild our familyproperly.
But Riley doesn't see it like that. She still feels that hurt directly, still can't get past the years I was an asshole teenager.
I don't blame her, she has every right to be upset, but living in that pain every day isn't good for her.
She pushes away closure, even something like cutting me off entirely, because she can't get through the weight of the past.
"Do you know what it was like not knowing what time you would come home? If you would be drunk or high, starting arguments with everyone or letting random girls into the house? If you would be angry and trash other people's things? If you would come home at all?"
She speaks. The rawness of her voice surprises me, like it's coming from a deeper place.
"It wasn't just you being a dick to me, you always had a black eyes or split knuckles...I was fucking worried about you, all the time, it wasexhausting."
"Riley..." I say, because what else can I say?
She's right to be mad, right to carry that emotional burden.
"And then, one day, you came home covered in blood and it scared the shit out of me. And I had to ignore it, because everyone else had stopped caring..."
Her voice splinters again, "I saw photos of people I didn't know, when I used to go through your camera, and I just got angry that you had this whole life you were abandoning your family for. Then when you just changedI had to act like everything was normal? After years?"
It's exactly what Luke said in the diner. Her memory of me, like that, after the Maria incident. I looked like a ghost, the light gone from my eyes as I made the decision to never step anywhere near those people again. It hurts all over again that she had to see that.
"That was after... after Maria-"
"Yeah," She mutters, "I figured. But I didn't know that at the time, didn't know whose blood it was, what the fuck you were doing."
"I'm sorry, really sorry. You shouldn't have seen that and I'll always apologise for how I acted back then, I was fucking cruel and I regret hurting you every day, Riley."
Her face gives a flicker of a pity smile, still somehow cold as her words continue, "I think, deep down, I know you're sorry. I know you wouldn't do that again. But when I can't forgive you, it's not because I don't understand that you were partly a victim too or that maybe you've changed...
it's that the parts of me that hated you, worried about you, won't go away."
It makes sense, but it's an unfair truth. I want her as part of my life, the same way I want Ava to be too. I don't want her to continue to live in feelings that make her miserable. Is she really incapable of ever forgiving me?
"And Ava..." She starts, "It struck that nerve that still sees you as someone I can't trust. It's the principleof it, not that you're actually together, or whatever."
"I understand..." I mutter back, "And I'm sorry for going behind your back with that, too."
Thoughts swirl in my head as everything feels like it's coming to a natural conclusion.
We need space. But it's less stable space than with Ava, there there's some sort of hope, a chance.
It feels like fate will have us back together at some point whether we like it or not.
Everything with Riley is so uncertain - we've had years of space and it hasn't fixed anything.
I swallow, watching as she tangles her fingers together, "So, where does that leave us?"
She shrugs, "I don't know... honestly, I don't want you in my life right now."
It hurts to hear, maybe because this is the most definite way she's ever said those words to me. It's like she's figured out exactly what she needs and it'll never involve me ever again. The only thing I can cling onto is right now.
Maybe she will let me make things right eventually, but who knows when.
"You know I won't choose, right?" I add, quietly, "I can't give her up, I won't."
Riley rolls her eyes, so subtly you could almost miss it, "Yeah, neither will she."
"I mean it," I add, the soft features of Ava's face drifting into my head.
I miss her, her smile, her laugh, her presence.
"I want you to finally feel like you can have a brother you trust, but please don't jeopardise two important relationships because of all the things I did. I love Ava for all the reasons you do, you know how amazing she is."
I think for a second that I've got through to her, that maybe she understands what I'm saying. Her damp eyes seem thoughtful, she gulps down the remainder of her sniffles.
But then she looks at me, lips in a tight line as she speaks, "I can't decide anything right now. Please...just go, Nolan."
And I know there's no point putting up a fight.
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