Chapter 34
CHARLOTTE
Charlotte had spent the entire night wandering through the streets of Rowan Vale, reminiscing about her time as Lady Davenport, wife of Sir Edward.
She slipped soundlessly through the streets and lanes, stopping to gaze at the river, and to shiver at the gates of the churchyard where she knew her body lay.
It wasn’t something she wanted to dwell on.
She stopped at the driveway of The Quicken Tree Inn, remembering the many nights she’d had there and the many men she’d spent them with. A smile quirked her lips. She may have had a relatively short life, but she’d certainly packed a lot of fun into it.
Then she remembered what Callie had said to her about Lawrie, and how he’d reacted when he discovered the truth about her lifestyle.
Edward had never told their son what was going on while she was alive. Was she surprised about that? After all, Lawrie had been twenty-one when she died and had been old enough to understand what sort of person she was for a few years. She’d hardly hidden it.
Somehow, Edward had kept it from his son when he could have used it to turn Lawrie against her.
She couldn’t help feeling grateful for that, but surprised?
No, not really. Edward had been an honourable man.
She knew that, deep down. She also knew that she was far from honourable and always had been.
She thought about the jug of water she’d poured over Brodie and shook her head at her own folly.
Her temper had always been a problem, along with her pride.
She should have remained calm. She knew she would have earned their respect far more if she’d reasoned with them, and if she’d only kept her mouth shut about Callie Chase.
The truth was, she was jealous of Callie, who had years at Harling Hall ahead of her and had, by sheer good fortune, stepped into the life that had been Charlotte’s. It didn’t seem fair.
Even so, she shouldn’t have lashed out at Imogen.
She wouldn’t have, if she’d known she could hurt her.
Charlotte might have a temper, but she wasn’t that cruel.
Whatever people thought, she would never have deliberately hurt a child.
And if she’d wanted to assault Callie that vase wouldn’t have missed, even though she knew no one would ever believe her if she told them so.
And look how she’d upset Lawrie by lashing out again last night!
She’d honestly thought it was funny when she tipped the jug of water into Brodie’s lap, but she’d quickly realised her mistake.
If she’d known how it would all erupt and how that would affect her son, she would never have done it. Too late now.
She couldn’t face going back to Harling Hall. Not yet. But where was she to go?
In the end, she slipped into the library, curled up in one of the big armchairs and fell asleep, waking the next morning to more guilt and regret, but a realisation that – if this truly were to be her last day at Rowan Vale – she had to speak to Lawrie.
She might not be able to make amends for everything she’d done – and frankly, there were some things she wasn’t particularly sorry for – but there was one thing she could do for him.
Charlotte headed back to the Hall, choosing not to use her powers to open the front door, but slipping discreetly through the wood in the way that still filled her with shock and amazement.
There was no one in the hallway, which she was glad about. The last thing she wanted right now was a lecture, particularly as she was planning to do something selfless for once.
Cautiously, she peered through Lawrie’s door and was relieved to find him sitting up in bed, eating a boiled egg with bread and butter and looking much better in himself.
She sat beside him on the bed, and he smiled at her.
‘Good morning, Mother. You’re back then.’
She had the grace to look ashamed. ‘I’m sorry about last night. It was just—’ But she stopped herself in time. No more excuses or blaming other people. At some point she had to take responsibility for her own actions. ‘My temper,’ she said. ‘I never did quite master it, I’m afraid.’
He nodded. ‘I remember it well. When you were in full meltdown, only Mrs Godfrey could ever reason with you.’
She laughed. ‘Ah, good old Godfrey. What I wouldn’t give to see her now.’
‘She’s long gone,’ Lawrie said with a sigh. ‘As are those golden days of my childhood. Time goes by so fast, doesn’t it? It seems like only yesterday we would visit the stables together, admiring the horses, or wander round the garden inspecting the roses and chatting to the gardeners.’
‘You chatted to the gardeners,’ she said. ‘I instructed them.’
One of them, as she recalled, had received instructions of a different kind from her. Oh, what fun times those had been!
‘Lawrie,’ she said cautiously, ‘I want to talk to you. About your father.’
‘You don’t have to say anything,’ he said at once. ‘I know he neglected you, Mother. I understand that. I’ve always understood it. I vowed, when I married my wife, Jacqueline, that I would be different, and I tried to be. I’m afraid I didn’t always succeed.’
‘I wish I’d met your wife,’ Charlotte said wistfully. ‘Were you happy together?’
‘We loved each other very much,’ he assured her.
‘I just wish I’d been able to dedicate more time to her, but there were always demands on me that seemed to be more urgent.
I suppose I ended up as neglectful as Father was to you.
I never intended it, but I fear I failed her as much as you were failed. ’
‘I’m sure Jacqueline understood. She was never…’ Charlotte hesitated, trying to think of a way to phrase the question delicately. ‘You never had cause to doubt her?’
Lawrie smiled. ‘No. She simply put up with it. I was most fortunate.’
‘You were indeed. Sadly, your father wasn’t so lucky. He married me, and I was never the understanding, patient type.’
‘But who can blame you? You were so lively, so vivacious! You couldn’t be expected to stay at home day after day waiting for Father to show you some attention!’
‘No,’ she said sadly. ‘I couldn’t. But I could have gone out there, onto the estate.
I could have helped him. I could have got involved with the tenants and their businesses, been of some use to them.
Of some use to your father. Instead, I sulked like a petulant child, and when that didn’t work I… Well, you know what I did.’
Lawrie was silent and Charlotte thought back to the wasted opportunities she’d had to make her marriage more fulfilling.
She could have joined Edward in his endeavours and as a couple they could have made the estate even better.
They could have talked and laughed and planned and worked together.
She was sure that, if she’d chosen that path, they would have been happy.
She’d loved him once, and he’d loved her. How had it gone so wrong?
She’d realised her mistake quite early on, but by then it seemed to her too late.
Edward had discovered her first affair and had informed her stiffly that she must do as she wished, so long as she never let Lawrie find out.
She’d taken him at his word, hurt and angry that he hadn’t made a scene.
Every man she took to her bed was an act of revenge against the husband she’d told herself didn’t care about her.
Yet, he could have let Lawrie know what she was.
He could have turned the child against her and he never had.
And when Lawrie had finally discovered the truth, he’d turned instead against an honourable, decent man, who’d never done anything to harm her but had tried to carry out the duties he was honour bound to do. She’d been a selfish fool.
‘Lawrie,’ she said sadly, ‘your father was a good man. He never hurt me. He never betrayed me. He was like you. He had promised to keep this estate running and to care for everyone who lived here – living or dead. It was something he took very seriously, just as you have. The fault wasn’t with him. It was with me.’
‘He should have given more time to his marriage, to his wife,’ Lawrie said angrily. ‘If he’d been there for you, you would never have done the things you did!’
‘Wouldn’t I? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I always liked the attention.
I was easily flattered, and I loved the drama and the secrecy.
Maybe I would have betrayed your father no matter how he behaved towards me.
Who knows? But the point is, he did nothing to me that you didn’t do to your Jacqueline.
The difference is, I wasn’t like her. You were luckier than Edward. You had your wife. He had me.’
‘But even so…’ Lawrie sighed and shook his head.
‘Are you sure that your anger is really directed at your father and not at yourself?’ she asked gently.
‘Perhaps, by focusing on his faults, you don’t have to dwell too much on your own.
Your wife didn’t have affairs. She didn’t betray you or hurt you or humiliate you in front of all your tenants.
Because of that, it’s far easier for you to sweep your own neglect under the carpet and convince yourself that he was somehow worse than you. ’
She sighed. ‘He was just a kind man trying to do the job he’d been born to in the best way he could. Forgive him, Lawrie. He did everything possible to protect you from the truth. He loved you. And honestly? He loved me, too. As I loved him.’
Lawrie looked startled. ‘How can you say that? After everything that happened between you?’
Charlotte wasn’t completely sure but sitting here beside her son she suddenly felt a deep sense of peace. She didn’t understand how, but somehow, she knew that the love between Edward and herself had survived. It had healed. They had forgiven each other.
She shook her head, feeling a little dazed.
‘I don’t know,’ she said at last. ‘I just know it’s true.’
Lawrie pushed away his tray. ‘I missed him,’ he admitted at last. ‘I wish I’d had the courage to make amends with him before he died, but I was too proud and too ashamed.
I kept thinking that one day soon I’ll talk to him.
We’ll sort this mess out. But I never got round to it, and then it was too late. ’
‘It’s never too late, Lawrie,’ she said, her smile widening as a strange and sudden certainty flooded her being and she experienced an incredible surge of joy. ‘One day you’ll see him again, and then you’ll realise there is always another chance. Always.’
‘I wish I could hug you,’ Lawrie whispered.
‘Oh, and I wish you could, too! I’ve been so lucky to see you again. To see the kind of man you’ve become. I’m so proud of you, my darling. I wish I’d appreciated you more when you were a child. I wish I’d spent more time with you when I was able to.’
‘Like you said, it’s never too late.’
She reached out a hand and gasped in delight as her fingers touched his snowy hair.
‘Oh, Lawrie!’ She leaned over and kissed him gently on the forehead. ‘My dear, dear boy.’
He tried to take her hand in his but couldn’t. It seemed that her physical abilities only worked one way, and neither of them could understand how that could possibly be. But it was enough, and far more than they’d ever imagined they’d experience.
‘You’re going back, aren’t you?’ he said sadly.
She nodded. ‘I don’t belong here. Callie is right about that, at least. I fought it because I wanted to stay, and because I was afraid of what lies on the other side. I can’t remember, you see, and I dreaded finding out where I’d come from. But now…’
‘Now?’
‘Now I feel a sudden yearning to return. I feel – I can’t explain it – but as if I came here to do something, and now it’s time to go. I won’t cause any difficulties. I’m just glad that, this time, I’ll be able to say goodbye to you.’
It would hurt her to leave him, but somehow, she had a feeling that it was all going to be all right.
Better than all right. Perfect.