Break
I kept trying to make the screaming stop but it wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t see straight, couldn’t think straight. The sidewalks were moving like water while Dennis kept a firm grip on my hand.
I should’ve left when I had the chance. None of this would’ve happened.
“You tried to leave. Four times. She’s the one who kept going.”
“You can hear me?” I looked at him in a daze.
“You’re upset,” he said. “It comes through. There’s no way to block something this strong.” I whirled around as something ran past. “Nothing’s there.” He pulled me closer and kept walking.
I glanced over my shoulder to see he was right. The sidewalk was empty. “It’s happening again. I’m going crazy,” I murmured. It was getting hard to breathe. My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. “Things won’t stop moving and I’m hearing voices.”
“What are they saying?” Dennis asked. I looked at him for a minute, trying to remember what we were talking about. “The voices, remember?”
“Oh. I don’t know. I can’t understand them. But they’re not mine. I try not to talk about them because the last time I did, Dr. Kelsey said I was showing signs of schizoaffective disorder.”
“You don’t have schizoaffective, do you?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t think so. She hasn’t mentioned it in a while, so probably not. It was just for a little while. She only says bipolar now. But sometimes I get really paranoid and I can’t leave the corner.”
“What corner?” He looked at me and I stared back, trying to think of the best way to explain it.
“The corner of any room. Or my bed. When demons come at me from walls and stuff, or the voices won’t stop, or the shadows keep moving and people walk by when I know I’m alone.
I have to stay in a corner because then I can see everything and I feel safer.
It happens when things get really bad. When I’m going crazy. ”
“You’re not going crazy. You have a disorder, but that doesn’t make you crazy.”
“I don’t wanna keep talking about it,” I said quietly.
It felt stupid because I brought it up, but I was starting to scare myself.
He might not wanna admit it, but I knew the truth.
I was going insane. “Wait.” I tried to slow down once we reached the complex.
I didn’t wanna go in. I couldn’t go in. Ari was gonna kill me the second she found out I killed someone, and I knew I couldn’t handle it right now.
“I can’t go inside.” I tugged on my arm but Dennis kept moving, towing me upstairs and past the pool.
“You need to get cleaned up.”
“I can’t. Ari’s gonna kill me. She’s gonna fucking kill me and I can’t lie to her.” I was so anxious and the voices were coming back. The girl’s screams were getting louder and Ari was gonna fucking kill me.
“Go inside.” Dennis opened the door and I backed right into him. I couldn’t go in. I was terrified. “Vixen, you have to go in. We can’t stay out here. We’re both covered in blood.”
I balked when he pushed me inside. I almost hit the wall trying to get back out, but it was no use; he caught my waist and shut the door, locking it right as Ari and Sean looked up from the couch.
“Oh my god, Emy! You’re bleeding!” Her book fell as she ran to me. “Are you okay? What happened?” She started an inspection, lifting my arms in panic, checking my stomach, my legs, everywhere to find the source of blood.
“What happened?” Sean stood and walked to us, but he was asking Dennis. Like he already knew.
“You’re not bleeding,” Ari realized. “Where did all this blood come from?”
Everything was going in such slow motion. Sean looked guilty as he exchanged a silent interaction with Dennis, who was perched on the arm of the couch, still holding onto my waist like I might fall out. It honestly felt like I might.
I looked down at my blood drenched clothes.
The smears across my chest and stains on each arm, splatters running down my legs and remnants across my stomach.
They danced along my skin like I’d been painting in red.
Ari was doing the same, staring at it all right before our eyes met. She knew it wasn’t mine.
And then it all came back, and she had just asked the question and I was standing here like I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t wanna answer her. I’d give anything not to answer.
“I killed someone,” I barely whispered it. “It was an accident. It just happened, and I…” I couldn’t bring myself to keep going.
“Who did you kill?”
I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. “That girl from school. The one I always told you about.” I stopped at that, hoping she would understand without details. I didn’t wanna say them in front of anyone else.
“The one who…?” She got visibly mad when I nodded. “She was here? What the fuck was she doing here? Don’t tell me she followed you, because I wouldn’t put it past her.”
“She didn’t,” I said. “I don’t think she did.
She didn’t know I was here until I ran into her.
And then she started going on about the same shit as usual, just like senior year all over again and I couldn’t take it.
I kept trying to leave because I knew I was gonna kill her if I stayed.
I fucking knew it, but I stayed anyway when I didn’t even have to and I should’ve just left when I could. ”
“You tried to,” Dennis said. “She tried to leave four times, but that girl kept following her and saying the most fucked up—”
“Don’t!” I blurted. Thankfully, he stopped talking. “She knows. I’ve told her before. She gets it.” I looked away in embarrassment. I didn’t want him to repeat it. I didn’t want him to remember.
“That bad?” Ari looked almost as upset as I felt.
“Same as usual,” I mumbled, avoiding Dennis’ eyes.
“I still could’ve left, though. I’m fast enough now but I couldn’t…
I was in shock, you know? It’s like I was paralyzed and she wouldn’t stop going with the same shit she always does.
Four years later, and she still remembers every word to make me break.
I was having flashbacks and I didn’t wanna let her win.
I couldn’t let her fucking win again so I stayed, and then I snapped.
I blacked out and I don’t even know how it happened.
I’ve snapped on her so many times, but you know I always stop with her.
I always stop but there was no one to get me off this time.
Her friends weren’t around and there were no teachers or officers and I lost it and killed her. ”
Ari was staring at me. Sean was too, but in a different way. He wasn’t judging me. He wasn’t disgusted or disappointed. He wasn’t gaping at every drop of blood that covered my skin. Ari was.
“And you couldn’t just leave?”
“I mean, yeah, but—”
“Physically, you could’ve left.” She was working through it, moving past our shared hatred of the girl toward logic instead.
“I mean, yeah,” I repeated hesitantly. I couldn’t argue; she was right.
“So you didn’t have to kill her.” She paused to see if I would object. I didn’t. “This was actually murder?” She waited several seconds for a response, but my silence was answer enough. “I can’t believe you did this…”
“Don’t hate me,” I pleaded as she took a step back. “I swear it wasn’t my fault. It was an accident, it just happened—”
“It ‘just happened’?” she echoed, staring at me in disbelief. “How does that ‘just happen’? You killed someone, Emy. You murdered her.”
“It wasn’t my fault! You know how she is. You know how she was my entire senior year.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t make it okay. You can’t just go around killing people every time they make you mad.
” She roughly ran a hand through her hair.
“You already came close enough to killing people when you were human. You’re a fucking vampire now, you can’t keep doing this!
We already know you’re too violent for your own good.
You almost killed three people in three years—”
“One of those was an accident!”
“Oh, like this one?”
“That one was self-defense,” I insisted. She knew this. “I was protecting myself and it had to happen. You know I didn’t do that one on purpose, so don’t hold that fucking shit against me—”
“You’re right, I wasn’t being fair,” she said.
“I’m sorry. I know that wasn’t you. I know you had to do it that time, but this time you didn’t.
Did you?” She was genuinely asking. I slowly shook my head.
“Exactly. That’s exactly my point. It didn’t have to happen.
She was horrible. She was pure fucking evil, but that doesn’t give you the right to kill her. ”
“It was an accident! I’m sorry, please don’t be mad at me—”
“No, Emy!” she nearly shouted it in exasperation. “It doesn’t work like that! No matter how many times you make excuses or blame it on her, she’s not coming back.” She stopped, and a tense silence ensued until she quietly asked, “What’d you do with the body?”
“Pieces.” I avoided her eyes as her mouth dropped. “Dennis took care of it.”
“You dismembered her? What the fuck is wrong with you?” She almost knocked Sean over in her attempt to get away from me. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now!”
“You weren’t there, okay?” I couldn’t take it anymore. I was finally coming to my own defense, finally fed up with the judgment and accusations. “You weren’t fucking there and you didn’t see any of it.”
“No, but you’ve told me enough that I can imagine—”
“That’s the thing, Ari! Is that you can’t imagine because I never told you half the shit that happened that year.
You didn’t see how things were, you didn’t see how she was tonight, you didn’t see any of it and you don’t know how fucking bad it was.
Why the hell do you think you guys found me on those train tracks over break?
Because of her! Because of her and all the fucking shit she said to me every day. Every single fucking day!”