Break #2
“I get that she was a bitch to you. I know she tormented you for an entire year and I hate her for it, I hate her so much, but that doesn’t mean you can fucking kill her!”
“I’m sorry.”
Too much was going on. Guilt. Shame. Regret. So many things at once and I couldn’t push any of them away.
“Stop being so harsh,” Dennis told her. “You didn’t hear what that girl was saying.”
“What was she saying?” Sean asked, looking at me while I held back tears.
“Please don’t,” I begged. “I can’t hear it again. I don’t wanna hear any of it again.” I took a step back as Mateo walked in from the hall. My heart sank at the way he was looking at me. All of them. They were all staring at me like I was about to break.
“If you were there, you would understand,” Dennis continued. “If you heard any of it… I wanted to rip her throat out, but Vixen did it first.”
“I understand, but I don’t care.” Ari’s voice was controlled but livid.
“You took it too far, Emy. I’m sure I would’ve wanted to kill her too, but the difference is I wouldn’t.
Kick her ass, take her blood, do whatever the shit you want, but unless it was legitimate self-defense, she shouldn’t be dead. ”
“I didn’t mean to. I swear I didn’t mean to—”
“So control it, Emery! It’s not that fucking hard!”
“But it is for me! I can’t control this, you don’t understand. The bipolar—”
“No,” she cut me off, “don’t say that. Do not use that right now.
Bipolar disorder does not equate to murder.
It doesn’t excuse it, this is not okay. I know it’s harder for you and I totally get it, but when you get to the point of murdering people—actual murder—it becomes something entirely different.
You can’t keep wandering through life letting any goddamn thing happen the second your mood gets thrown off.
How many times have I told you to call Dr. Kelsey lately?
Huh? And you keep refusing because ‘you’re fine’?
This is exactly why I was worried! You’re not fine.
I don’t know if you need a meds adjustment or what, but something needs to change because this isn’t working—”
“Ari, you can stop now,” Sean said. “You’re going too far.”
“She needs to hear this.” She turned back to me, but I was already shaking my head. “You need to hear this, Emy.”
“I don’t—”
“You need to fucking hear this!”
“No I fucking don’t!” I covered my ears as hard as I could. I was trying to block her out but I couldn’t, trying to make it all go away because it was too much and I couldn’t take it.
“You need to hear this for your own fucking good!” Ari was pulling my hands while I kept them up. “Emery, stop! I’m trying to help and you know it!” She kept trying, but I kept them clamped tight. She finally yanked them away and I covered my mouth instead, holding back a whimper.
This was completely my fault.
“Is this really the best time to lecture her?” Dennis was still holding onto me and I was trying to deafen the screams that were coming back so loud and so angry.
“This is the only time, because the second she’s better, she’s gonna refuse to acknowledge this and forget it even happened.”
“I won’t! I promise I won’t. I won’t forget any of it—”
“But you will, Emy! You fucking will! You say the same shit every single time things get bad, and then you get happy again and it becomes a big fucking joke to you, which is normally fine except this time you actually took a life. Please, Emy, for the love of fuck just let me help you—”
“Ari, stop! I can’t take this right now! Please, please just fucking stop!”
“No, Emy! You’re not getting it! No matter how many times I say it, you never understand.
You don’t even realize what you’re doing half the time!
You’re always off in your own little fairytale blocking reality when you need to fucking grow up!
You don’t realize what’s happening when you’re manic, you refuse help when you’re depressed, you won’t even discuss things when you’re stable because you think ‘it’s all good’ and you’ll be fine but now look what’s happened! Do you not see a problem here?”
“I can’t help it!” I yelled, finally breaking down.
“I can’t fucking help it! Do you really think I wanna be like this?
Do you really think I’m doing this shit on purpose?
Do you really fucking think I wanna be mentally ill and have to take a goddamn medication to keep myself sane for the rest of my fucking life?
Because I don’t, Ari! I don’t! I don’t wanna have kids because I don’t wanna pass this shit onto them, I don’t wanna be around you guys because I don’t want you to have to deal with it and I don’t wanna get help because I’m not fucking worth it!
I’m a freak and I know it! Everyone knows it, but I can’t fucking help it! ”
“No one thinks you’re a freak except that dumb irrelevant bitch, but that still doesn’t change the fact that this is not okay. It’s not fucking okay and you need to get a handle on yourself before this shit happens again!”
“You know I can’t help it, so what the fuck do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know, but you’re gonna have to figure it out. You need to get your shit together, because you’re never gonna survive like this.”
“I know I’m not, that’s the fucking problem!” My voice broke as she shoved past me and wrenched the door open.
“Yeah. That’s exactly it.” She stalked outside, slamming the door so hard it shook. Heels pounded against concrete as she stomped downstairs and headed for the street.
I stared after her in shock. We’d never had a fight like that before. Never in our lives.
“Vixen?” Dennis let go as I fought back tears.
I couldn’t believe it. Ari had left me for the first time ever, and I didn’t know if she was coming back.
“Are you okay…?” Sean touched my arm, but I kept staring at the door.
I might never see her again.
“Say something.” Mateo sounded desperate.
I slowly turned to look at them. They were all staring at me like I might fall apart. They knew it, too. She was never coming back.
I broke down sobbing the second it hit me.
“Emy, it’s okay.” Sean frowned as I backed up and crashed into the wall. “Ari’s coming back. I can feel her down the block. She’s just trying to calm down.”
“No, she’s not! She’s not coming back! Why the fuck would she? I always knew she would leave me, everyone’s gonna fucking leave because I’m too fucked up to even be around and I fucking knew this was gonna happen!”
Dennis reached for me but I shrank against the wall, crying so hard and trying not to exist. I didn’t wanna be here anymore.
“I’ll be back. I’m gonna talk to Ari.” Sean left, slamming the door in his haste.
I dug my nails into my skin, pressing so hard that blood gushed down my arm and past my wrist. I was bleeding but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough because I had to be just like her, I had to be torn to pieces and buried in the ground—
“What are you doing?” Dennis pulled my arm back.
“Don’t touch me!” I yanked it from his slack grasp. “She was right, I can’t make it through life like this, I can’t even fucking function!” I clawed at my skin as thoughts raced through my mind: I need to die, I have to leave, I can’t function, everything is always my fault—
“Vixen, stop—” Dennis cut off as I pushed him away, reaching for my hair to tear it out. “Don’t do that.” He caught my hand and forced it open.
I pulled at his hands, trying to get them off but he was too strong. He didn’t understand. No one understood. No one could hear the voices but me. No one can hear them but I have to die.
“Vixen, stop!” He wrestled my arms down. I struggled against him, trying in desperation to make myself bleed.
I need to leave. I have to leave. Go somewhere else. Get rid of myself so everyone can be better off without me.
I broke away from him and took off running. He caught me just before the door. My hand missed, my fingers closed around air as he dragged me back.
“Let me fucking do it!” I kicked at the door, twisting and screaming as he lifted me out of reach.
“Stop trying to hurt yourself,” he grunted, holding tighter while I kicked and scratched, trying so hard to get away.
“Ari’s coming back.” Mateo moved out of the way but I didn’t stop. “Sean went to get her. I’m sure she’s coming back.”
“No, she’s not,” I barely managed the words through tears and suffocation, “she’s not fucking coming back, why would she? You’re all gonna leave me, everyone’s gonna leave because I’m not worth anything. I’m not worth anything! I’m a useless slut and no one’s ever gonna fucking want me!”
“Why would you say that?” Mateo looked so worried but I didn’t care.
“Let me do it, let me fucking do it!” I fought so violently, prying at Dennis’ hands so I could hurt myself but he wouldn’t let go. “Let me fucking do it!”
“Stop fighting me.” He kept restraining, pulling my hands down when I tried to gouge my neck. “I’m trying to help. Nothing that girl said was true—”
“No! She was right and you know it! You fucking know it! I’m completely worthless and I always will be!
My parents didn’t want me, my aunt didn’t want me, Ari’s fucking sick of me and they all left!
You’re gonna leave next, I already know you all hate me so just leave and get it over with, I won’t fucking care—”
“We’re not leaving you—”
“You’re lying! You’re all gonna leave me, one by one and I’m gonna be stuck here all alone when I can’t even function, I can’t do anything right and I can’t even, I can’t—”
Panic set in as I realized Mateo was staring at me. He was worried because he was gonna leave. They were all leaving and Dennis would be next because he was most important. He was the most important after Ari and he was leaving next—
I couldn’t breathe; a pain was pressing on my chest, swirling with everything that’s wrong and the fact that I need to die.
Dennis let go as I sank to the floor, crying so hard it felt like I was ripping in half.