Break #3
“I’m not leaving you.” He kneeled beside me. I snatched a handful of hair but he pried my hand open, then grabbed the other and forced both down. “Vixen. Emy, please, you have to trust me. I’ll stay here all night if I have to, but I’m not leaving you.”
He sat and pulled me close, holding tight as I started sobbing harder than ever. I squeezed his hands, taking violent breaths through the pain in my chest. I was ruining everything. I always had to ruin everything and now he was gonna leave forever.
“I’m not. It’s okay.” He pushed my hair aside when I let his hands go. “You’re not ruining anything. Ari’s coming back and I’ll be right here until she does. I promise I’m not leaving you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I choked the words out before burying my face. The sobbing wouldn’t stop. The voices wouldn’t leave. The longing for suicide was only getting stronger.
“It’s okay,” Dennis said, running his fingers through my hair.
I took heaving breaths, wiping my tears so roughly it hurt. I had to stop. I had to get it together. I had to be better so no one would leave.
Forever passed before the crying slowed. I took a deep, cautious breath and looked around. Warm tears were still falling, rolling down my cheeks because they couldn’t fully stop. But the pain was gone. The panic had faded. I could finally breathe.
“Are you feeling any better?” Mateo asked. He was sitting nearby, wringing his hands with a deep frown.
I stared a few more seconds before barely nodding. He smiled in relief, but I couldn’t return it. I couldn’t feel anything. I moved a hand and realized Dennis was holding both of mine, toying with my fingers.
“Are you gonna scratch yourself if I let go?” His tone was hesitant.
I shook my head, but he didn’t let go. Everything was slowly coming back to me.
Ari was gone. She hated me. I killed someone. I couldn’t feel a single thing except Dennis against me. Which was all I wanted, but I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve any of them. I let his hands go and pulled away.
Moving made me realize how badly everything hurt. My eyes were stinging, my throat was killing me, my head was pounding, and my arms and legs were covered in scratches.
“Can I go?” My voice barely worked.
“I’m guessing you wanna be alone.” Dennis was studying me, his hazel eyes full of something I didn’t understand. I tried to say ‘yeah,’ but my voice gave out. “You can go in my room, if you want. But if I hear you trying to hurt yourself, I’m coming in.”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“Tell me if you need anything.” He let go as I stood, making my body hurt even worse.
Everything in me was screaming to go back. I closed his bedroom door, then found the nearest corner and slid to the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest and stared at the wall.
My mind was shutting down. My body was numb and the voices were coming back. They were echoing, getting louder, swirling in my head. I wanted to kill myself. The voices were screaming at me to do it and Ari’s last words were alongside them. She was right; I could never survive like this.
Minutes passed.
I tugged my knees, taking shuddering breaths through relentless tears. Dennis and Mateo were whispering. It was so quiet I could barely hear through the door from the corner I was backed against, but I could make out certain words.
Institutionalize. Worried. Medication.
I pushed away from the wall and stood. Shadows flashed past my vision while my breathing tightened.
I didn’t wanna leave. I didn’t wanna exist, either.
All I wanted was for Ari to come back and Dennis to be right beside me.
I took a shaky breath and stared down at the blood and scratches along my trembling arms. Things were crawling on my skin, but nothing was there.
I wiped my cheeks and left the room, desperate to escape before anything could grab me along the way. But I came to a stop when the whispering faltered and died. Dennis’ eyes were on me, as were Mateo’s.
“Did you do that right now?” Dennis looked at my arm, which had a fresh row of scratches. I’d managed it quietly enough not to be heard. I shook my head, scared he would figure it out and leave. “I’m not leaving.”
“I’m going to the bathroom.” My voice was hoarse as I backed out of the room. I could feel my emotions running through him, even stronger than his own. I felt even worse knowing he had to feel this, too.
I shut the bathroom door and turned to the mirror. Staring when I realized my reflection wouldn’t show up. It would never show up again. My eyes welled as I held onto the bathroom sink.
They flickered to the shower, where I’d been keeping my razor while Ari and I stayed here all week.
It was obviously to shave with, but it would work either way.
To shave my legs or kill myself. Slit my wrists and lock the door.
Stay in here until I bled out. If that would even work.
Dennis still hadn’t told me how to kill a vampire.
“I’m not leaving you in there alone if you keep thinking like that.”
I jumped as his voice came from the hall.
“I’m not,” I said shakily. Lied shakily. “I wouldn’t…” Leave myself here for them to find. I’d obviously have to go somewhere else, where Ari and my uncle couldn’t find me. I couldn’t put that on them. Not with everything else I’d already caused. “You can stay out there. I won’t do anything.”
Chains clanged as he leaned against the wall, but he didn’t say anything.
I slid my phone from a pocket and used the camera to check myself. I set it down and rinsed my face, trying to scrub away tears and running makeup. Then wiped at the blood staining my arms and neck. The splatters across my chest.
The traces of having killed someone.
I picked up my phone for another look, then dropped it and bolted from the room. Dennis pushed away from the wall as I collided with him. He took my wrists, looking them over while I avoided eye contact.
“I’m gonna go for a walk.” I pushed past and walked down the hall while he followed, then stopped in the middle of the room. I stared at the wall—I couldn’t remember why I was here.
Seconds passed, maybe minutes, before Mateo finally spoke. It jarred me from the weird trance. They were both watching me.
“What’re you staring at?” Mateo tried again. He glanced at Dennis, whose eyes stayed on me.
“I don’t know.” I blanked for a second before my focus drifted to a bag near the tv. I walked to it and sat down. I stared for a few more seconds, then dragged it close and pulled it open.
There was something in there I should have, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I knew the bag was mine, though. I’d brought it over sometime earlier today. Or last week. At some point in my life.
“What’re you looking for?” Dennis’ question came next. I resealed the suitcase and dropped it, then got up for my walk. I was going for a walk. “Where are you walking to?”
I only stared at him. His eyes were so hazel. But they’d been black earlier. Except I hadn’t seen him earlier. Or had I? I couldn’t remember. Nothing was making sense anymore.
“I’m going for a walk,” I said.
“Do you want one of us to come with you?”
“No. Thank you.” I went outside, shutting the door as quietly as possible.