Picking Up Pieces
The fresh air didn’t smell as good as before. Everything was so out of focus. The voices were a faint murmur. My skin was begging to be covered, protected from everything that kept touching it.
I passed the pool and went downstairs. Past the building, wandered down the street in whatever direction came next. It was deserted and well into the night now. Even more than it had been before, because time was passing and moving on without me. That was how things worked.
Ari was leaving me behind, my dad had gone to prison and disowned me, my mom chose drugs over me, and my aunt chose to help my mom over taking me out of foster care. Of course, my uncle would be done with me since Ari was. That girl was right; I was worthless and nobody cared.
I kept on down the street and into a side alley, wanting nothing more than to disappear.
I backed against the wall and let out a dry sob, followed by real ones—my body wracked as I slid to the ground.
I wanted it to stop. I had to stop being so weak, to stop being so annoying and maybe Ari would come back.
Maybe Dennis would stay if I was better.
I squeezed my arms and began to rock. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried so hard. The last time the world was so grey. So hopeless. So much better off without me.
My heart ached. I hadn’t felt this sad in so long.
And then a noise came—I scurried away from it until another sound came from my other side. This time from the street. This one came with a smell.
I took a shaky breath and forced myself to get up. The smell was getting stronger. I could suddenly control myself a bit more. I approached the alley opening, peering out to the street from its shadows.
I could smell the human’s blood, hear his heart pulsating while he talked to someone on the phone. I wiped my tears and waited. It would be worth it. I had already killed once, so I may as well do it again.
Several seconds passed before it was time to go. I stepped out for the kill but hands closed around me, pulling me back into the shadows. I yanked at the hands to no avail; they kept me in the darkness, out of reach and away from the human. I wanted to follow him. I wanted to kill him.
“Dennis—let go!”
“No. You wanted me to stop you last time, so I’m stopping you now.
” Dennis kept dragging me back, further into the shadows the more I tried to escape them.
“You don’t wanna do this,” he said, holding tighter while I struggled harder.
“I’m not letting you kill again when I know how much you’ll regret it.
” His hand clamped over my mouth as the human walked by.
The man was oblivious to the muffled struggle going on in the darkness. He kept walking and talking on his phone, strolling past us and down the deserted street without so much as a glance behind. Dennis freed my mouth once the man was out of earshot.
“Let me go,” I grunted, trying to break loose. It was useless.
“Not until you calm down. You’re not thinking clearly.”
“Yes, I am!”
“No, you’re not. I won’t let you kill someone who doesn’t deserve it as a self-punishment for killing someone who deserved it.
” He took the words from my mind. No one deserved that.
No one deserved any of it. “You know she deserved every second of it. It’s simple as that, some people need to die.
But killing an innocent person won’t solve anything. ”
“Just let me go, I can still get to him—”
“Vixen. Stop.” He snatched me back when I almost escaped, turning me to face him. “This isn’t what you want.”
I choked up at the way he was trying to help even though I wasn’t worth fixing at all. He was always so gentle, always so careful with me when I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t worth any of this.
“I have to do this,” I insisted, trying to shove him off. “That’s all I’m good for, is stripping and screwing up. No one’s gonna stick around anyway, so why do you even care?”
“Because I do,” he said. “This isn’t what you want. You’re not a killer.”
I stopped fighting as his words sank in. The reality of them and what I’d been trying to do. What the fuck was I thinking?
“You’re right,” I murmured.
“So you won’t try to kill him?” Dennis studied me, then finally let go.
I didn’t try to leave. I didn’t move at all.
“It’s not your fault.” He took my cheek as I looked away.
“You didn’t do any of this on purpose. But you can’t take it out on other people.
That’s when it gets bad. That guy didn’t do anything wrong.
” He wiped the tears streaming down my face.
I had never been so ashamed in my life. So disgusted with myself and my stupid actions.
With the fact that he was bound to me and all my pathetic emotions.
I broke down again, weeping as he pulled me into a hug.
I was such a horrible person and he was stuck with me, probably not even by choice anymore.
“You’re not a horrible person. Please stop crying.” He almost sounded desperate at the end. It caught me by surprise enough to work.
I pulled away to look at him. “You really don’t think I am?” I asked, playing with the dark fabric of his shirt.
A teasing smile crossed his lips. “Would I ever lie to you?”
“You do it all the time.”
“You must be confusing me with someone else.” He actually lied this time and I almost, almost smiled. “I mean it, though. You’re aggressive on the outside, but anyone who pays attention knows how sweet you are.” He almost seemed relieved when a full smile donned my lips. “Will you come back now?”
I stared for a few seconds before nodding.
“We can go.” I let go of him and ran both hands across my cheeks, wiping away the remnants of tears.
I held back another smile when he took my hand, leading us from the dark alley down a dimly lit sidewalk.
We walked in silence for a while before a thought hit me.
“Were you following me the whole time?” I asked.
“Yeah. I wanted to give you the space you asked for, but there’s no way in hell I’m leaving you alone right now. Not like this.”
“Really?”
“I told you I’m not leaving you,” he said. “I wouldn’t lie about that.”
“Thank you.” I wrapped my arm through his, still holding hands. A shadow moved from the corner of my eye and I jumped. I dropped his hand to tug at my hair but he retook it. “Do you hear that?” I whispered, glancing over my shoulder.
“Nothing’s over there.” Dennis urged me along as I started to freak out. He wrapped an arm around me when I tried to back up, then caught me fully before I could escape.
“Dennis—”
“It’s okay.” He pulled me closer as I started to cry once again. I was overwhelmed. Shadows were dancing, people were calling me from different directions, things were touching my skin. “Nothing’s over there and no one’s coming to get you. I promise you’re safe.”
I took a shaky breath and closed my eyes, trying to drown it all out. “Thank you.” I stopped walking to hug him tight. I held on for a minute before letting go. “So much. I really mean it.”
“You’re welcome.”
“No, really. Thank you.” I hugged him again with no plans of letting go this time. “You don’t even know how much this means.”
“You’re still welcome.” He chuckled as I nuzzled into him. “You should thank Sean and Ari, too. They sent me to find you after you left the bar.”
“They did?” I hadn’t even thought about that, but it made sense. Someone must’ve told him where to find me earlier, otherwise he might’ve stayed MIA forever.
“I wasn’t missing forever.” His voice was playful despite the sarcasm. “But yeah, they got worried. He blew up my phone until I answered.”
“I kinda don’t know what I’d do without you guys now. Especially you.” I finally let go, looking down as we resumed walking.
Thoughts of what happened were replaying. I was starting to feel even guiltier than before. I had probably ruined their entire condo, plus any chance of staying bound with Dennis in the long run. Not that I’d wanted to before, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“I’m so sorry you had to see that… that whole breakdown.
I haven’t had one that bad in a while. Those are the tantrums that girl was talking about.
The ones that used to happen in school before I was diagnosed.
” I slowed down, wishing I had never started.
This was too much information. But for some reason I couldn’t stop.
“My aunt had to get me so many times. Each time was different. Most of them were worse than today.”
One glance told me what Dennis was thinking: how could it possibly get worse than today?
“I’m not thinking that at all. Seriously. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, really. I’m so sorry. I don’t remember what I did but I know it must’ve been really bad. I get out of control. I probably tore your whole place apart.”
“You didn’t tear it apart. But either way, it’s really okay.”
“I’m sorry,” my voice was starting to tremble again, “you weren’t ever supposed to see me like that…”
I stopped walking because it wasn’t okay, and I’d really rather him keep going without me. I hated the fact that he’d seen me this way. That I hadn’t been able to hide the crazy for longer. Two weeks in, and it was already out in the open.
“That doesn’t mean I won’t want you anymore,” he said. “As my bind, I mean. This is part of you, right? The episodes?” He paused as I nodded. “I bound you, not parts of you. You and the crazy are a package deal.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. He started walking again and smoothly reached back to take my hand. I smiled and laced my fingers through his—I’d never been so glad to have someone with me as I was right now.
Anxiety started up as we approached their building, but I pushed the apprehension aside.
There was no way it could be any worse than before.
Especially now that Ari was gone. Still, I was nervous as fuck.
I squeezed his hand and reached up with my other, but he caught it before I could grab my hair.