Picking Up Pieces #2
“Nope. Not doing that.” He trapped both my hands in one of his.
“Fine,” I muttered. He climbed the stairs, holding my hands captive while I stumbled behind. “I feel like I’m being arrested again.”
“You’ve been arrested way too many times.”
Before I could answer, their front door was thrown open and someone came running out. I fell backward as they jumped on me. Dennis caught us both.
“Emy! Thank fucking god Emy, where were you?”
“You’re back…” I stared as Ari let go.
“Of course I’m back, idiot! I’m always gonna be here!
I’m so, so sorry for what I said.” She’d obviously been crying, and she started all over again as Dennis moved us inside.
“I’m so sorry. I feel so bad.” She latched on, wailing into my hair while squishing my face.
“I was wrong and out of line, and I didn’t mean any of it. ”
“You really didn’t mean it?” I normally would’ve pried her off and made her cry elsewhere, namely somewhere that didn’t press me against Dennis while squishing me to death, but I didn’t try to move her. I was too shocked she was even back.
“Do you know how hard I tried to go looking for you? Sean wouldn’t let me! He kept saying you were too upset and might lose control again but I tried for like two fuckin’ hours.” She shot him an accusatory look.
I slowly followed her gaze. He was standing near Dennis, who’d managed to shut the door and ease his way around us.
“She bit me and punched me in the face.” He rubbed a cheek as Dennis laughed. “You guys are definitely related.”
I turned back to Ari as she wiped her eyes.
“I still don’t think you should’ve killed her, but I totally get why you did. I was just—I was so in shock. I should’ve just supported you and we could’ve talked about the serious things later, but I went on the attack and said so much uncalled for shit. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I promise I won’t do anymore murders. Never a-fucking-gain.”
“Good. And I promise I’ll never leave you when you need me. Never a-fucking-gain.”
“I believe you.” I was on the verge of tears again because I was so relieved to make up. I couldn’t stand not talking to her. Not even for a couple of hours.
“Pinky promise?” She held hers out and I linked mine through.
We kissed the other end, making the promise nice and official.
“I just worry about you so much and I wanna make sure you’ll be okay if anything ever happens when I’m not around.
But I didn’t have to say it like that. I said it in such a horrible way.
I tried to reality check you when all you needed was love and support.
I love you so much and I don’t want you to think I’d ever leave you on purpose because I wouldn’t.
There’s no way in hell.” She was buried in my hair again, making her words a jumbled mess.
“I love you.” She patted my face like it might disappear if she didn’t grab it in time.
“I love you, too.”
“You’re back.” Mateo’s relieved voice came from the hall. “Did you guys make up?”
I nodded while Ari squeezed me. “Stop trying to squish me to death.” I tried to get her off but it didn’t work. “Ari, stop trying to climb me! We’re the same height, this isn’t working.” I ducked, trying to escape from her mane of auburn waves.
“Cousinly love.” Mateo chuckled.
Suddenly, I remembered. It started coming back in bits and pieces: almost kicking Mateo in the face, trying to shove Dennis, clawing for the door, clawing at my skin, clawing at Dennis’ skin, screaming, crying, the panic attack, so much embarrassing shit…
“What’s wrong?” Ari’s worried voice brought me back.
I stared at the carpet as she let go. I didn’t know what to say. “I’m so sorry for the freakout,” I finally managed. Fuck.
“Stop apologizing,” Dennis said. “Really. It’s okay.”
“Yeah, it’s okay,” Sean agreed. “Don’t stress.”
Mateo chimed in as well, but I still felt horrible despite their reassurances. If anything, those made me feel worse.
“Oh, Emy…”
“Huh?” I came to as Ari gently took my arm.
“Did you do this?” She was looking at my forearm. She took the other one, frowning at the scratches and bruises along my skin. Some had faded and healed, but others were vibrant and fresh. “How bad was it?”
“Not too bad,” I said. I hated lying to her.
“You did all of this?” She touched my leg, which was worse than my arms. “I can’t believe I left you. I should’ve known it would be this bad. I knew it would be this bad.”
“I’m fine. It’ll heal. I promise.”
“Let me see.” She reached for my neck but I quickly walked away.
“I’m gonna take a shower.” I weaved between an awkward-looking Sean and Mateo, then stopped in the hallway when I remembered my clothes were drenched in blood. “What do I do with these?” I touched my ruined shirt.
The entire atmosphere changed. Like they thought I’d start screaming and crying again.
“I’ll take care of it,” Dennis said.
I thanked him, then headed to the bathroom with him following. Once we were in, he shut the door without a word. He leaned against it, watching while I carefully removed my bustier. I placed it in his waiting hand before looking down at my bra. It was smeared with blood that had seeped through.
“This was my favorite. It’s brand new.” I touched a cup, sulking when my hand came away red. “It’s ruined.”
“I’ll fix it.” Dennis pushed away from the wall and gestured for me to take the bra off. “I can clean blood stains.”
“You don’t mind? You’ll really fix it?”
He nodded and patiently gestured for me to take it off again, this time including the shorts and boots. I took off my boots, then set them down and unhooked my bra. And then I hesitated, stopping mid-removal to stand still. I didn’t wanna take it off with him in here.
“I’ll go in the hall,” he offered. “Just hand them through the door.”
“Thank you,” I said for the thousandth time. It felt like I couldn’t say it enough.
“You’re welcome. They’ll be fixed by morning.” He took my boots and left the room.
I stared at the door for almost a minute. I had no idea he could ever be this sweet. I undressed and handed everything through the cracked door, then shut it as he walked away.
I decided not to take advantage of his absence and got in the shower with no thoughts of using my razor.
I had never cut before, or anything like it, but I did have a habit of burning myself when I was upset.
I turned the water as hot as it could go and stayed in it long after I’d washed myself clean.
“Emy?” There was a knock on the door before it pushed open and someone walked in.
“Yeah?” I turned the water cooler. With how well Ari knew me, she would know from the unnatural amount of steam in the room. Either way, she didn’t comment.
“I brought your pajamas and bathroom stuff,” she said.
I peeked out as she placed them on the counter. “Thank you.” I shut the water off and stepped out, then glanced down and realized my skin was bright red from the too-hot water. I nonchalantly rubbed my arm, trying to disguise the evidence before she noticed.
“You don’t have to pretend everything’s okay. I can see how red your skin is.” She eyed my arms while I tried to cover them. “I thought you weren’t gonna do that anymore?”
“It wasn’t on purpose. I’m okay,” I said, wrapping in a towel as casually as possible. “I wanna get dressed. Please?” I gave her my best puppy dog eyes, but it didn’t fool her. We both knew it never mattered if she was in the room with or without clothes.
She started to say something, then stopped and nodded before walking out.
I listened to the sound of her receding footsteps while I changed.
I took my time doing my nightly routine, hoping she would be asleep by the time I came out.
I was really trying to seem okay. I wanted to seem okay, to actually be okay, but I couldn’t shake off the self-loathing that was fogging my brain.
I sighed and tied my hair in a messy bun before looking for my phone. It was lying on the floor exactly where I’d left it. I picked it up and cleaned the blood off, then flipped to the camera, curious to see how I looked.
My eyes were red and swollen with black smudges around and beneath. My hair was decent, slowly waving since I wasn’t taking the time to straighten the curls. My neck was partially healed. Most of the damage was starting to fade.
I opened the bathroom door and emerged. Someone was sniffling in the living room. It sounded like the guys were each in their own rooms, preoccupied with something or other.
“Why aren’t you sleeping yet?” I asked, sitting beside Ari. She moved her legs to make room for me, but I ignored the extra space and draped my legs right over hers. We could never be too close. And she made a comfy chair.
“I wanted to make sure you’re okay,” she said.
“I promise I’m fine.”
“I know you’re not.”
“I’m not okay,” I said honestly, “but I will be. I dunno when, but I might be fine by tomorrow. The perks of being bipolar, right?” I smiled wryly, but it only made her frown and almost start crying.
“I’m the worst cousin ever. I knew I was going too far but I still kept going. Even Sean knew I was going too far and I didn’t listen.”
“It’s okay. We all have our moments, and you’ve never snapped on me before. I know it must be frustrating to deal with my episodes so often. And you’re the only one who’s been there for me every single time.”
“Dennis has, too. Ever since he met you. He’s helped through every one.”
I glanced at his door to see it was slightly ajar. I couldn’t help but think it was another invitation. “He has, huh?” I said, turning back to Ari. She was right. He’d been there for multiple breakdowns and he hadn’t complained once.
“Out of everyone to be bound with, I think you got pretty lucky.”
“I really did.” I smiled as I realized how right she was. “You did, too. Sean is adorable and super sweet.”