The In-Between #2
I ran a hand up my arm, glancing at a young couple to our left. I didn’t want them so close to me.
“There are too many people here,” I whispered.
“That’s never bothered you before.” His eyes stayed on me while I glanced around.
There were two people in front of us and two employees checking patients in.
“It comes with the episodes. Or sometimes in between.” I was talking quietly so no one else could hear. I didn’t want them in my conversation.
Dennis looked thoughtful as we moved forward in line. A third employee took a seat at a far desk and called me over.
“Name and medical record number?” The woman was at a computer, hands poised and ready to type.
“Emery Raine.” I paused at the realization my medical card wasn’t with me. But before I could use that as an excuse, it was slipped into my hand. Of course, Dennis had it. I sighed and gave it to the woman.
“Thank you, dear.” She typed a few things before giving it back, along with a clipboard and pen. “Fill these out and I’ll let Dr. Tsai know you’re here. Bring these two up when you’re ready,” she pointed to the bottom two forms, “and save the third for Dr. Tsai.”
I took the clipboard and went to the furthest seat, passing Dennis along the way.
He came to sit beside me without hesitation.
I looked through the top form and started filling it out.
I’d done this form so many times, it was pretty much second nature at this point.
My full name, address, the medical history of my parents.
I wrote in the proper answers: my mom had alcohol and substance abuse, dad had substance abuse, I was diagnosed bipolar five years ago and started care and medication the same day. I paused at a question I didn’t feel as comfortable answering.
There were too many people. A few adults and a couple of kids were scattered around the room, some looking nervous and others completely at ease. I wanted to leave.
“You’re okay. No one’s paying you any attention.” Dennis reached over to stop me from tapping the pen. I nodded and went back to writing.
One suicide attempt, yes. Thoughts of suicide during episodes, yes. Yes to thoughts of harming other people and myself. I glanced up again and looked around.
“You probably shouldn’t do that.” He touched the pen again, which I’d been nearly stabbing my leg with. I went back to checking boxes on the paper.
During my childhood I experienced teasing, drug and alcohol abuse by parents, verbal abuse, and witness to violence.
I’d gone through problems with odd or irrational behavior, impulsiveness, aggressive behavior, risky behavior, violent behavior, hallucinations, depression, legal problems, promiscuity, restrictive eating, insomnia, sleep disturbance, suicidal thoughts, plans, and one failed attempt.
At this point, I moved from the check marks to small paragraphs, and finally multiple choice about my mood over the past two weeks.
It was becoming repetitive, as always. I continued like this until I ran out of answers to give and looked up.
I had finished the entire thing. Again. Like so many times before.
“Can you stop?”
I jumped when Dennis touched my hand. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been tapping the pen, but it seemed to be getting on his nerves.
“Sorry.” I pulled the clipboard to my chest and noticed his eyes quickly stray from the back. “Were you reading this?”
“No.”
I knew he wasn’t lying, but he was noticeably curious. I contemplated before deciding he should maybe see. He was around me enough and always asking Ari what to watch out for. He may as well know for himself.
“You can read it if you want, but don’t try to talk about it.” I held it out, much to his surprise. “We’re not discussing any of it.”
“Are you sure?” He took it once I nodded.
It seemed like forever passed before he was finished. He silently gave it back and I eagerly got up. I wanted to get this entire thing over with and go home. Or back to their condo. Wherever would get me away from all these people.
“All set, dear?”
“Yeah.” I unclipped the bottom two papers and gave them back to the same lady. “I keep this one, right?” I held up the third.
“Yes, that’s for Dr. Tsai. Go ahead and sit back down. She’ll be out in a minute.” She smiled and I tried to return it before walking away.
I headed for my same seat but some little kid ran straight in front of me. I froze up and bit my lip to hold back more stupid fucking tears. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be anywhere but here but nowhere at all and I needed to go somewhere.
I ran a hand across my cheeks and made a beeline for the most isolated seat in the room.
It was in a corner and far away from all the kids.
And their parents, and any doctors calling patients over or the people checking everyone in.
It was alone and safe and I could see everything if I backed against the wall.
I did just that and stared ahead, wrapping my arms around my stomach. I looked up at the sound of Dennis approaching. I’d left him halfway across the room in my desperation to leave everyone else behind.
“You’re doing the corner again?”
I nodded as he took the closest seat. I didn’t mind him being next to me. It was everyone else. I tried to pull my hair, but he took my hand.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“For what?”
“I don’t know. I’m so nervous. I hate these places.” I leaned against his shoulder. This was torture. I didn’t want a new psychiatrist. I liked Dr. Kelsey, as much as I made fun of her advice and restrictive instructions. I didn’t wanna switch. But she was still in Newark, so I had no other choice.
“Emery?”
I jerked at the sound of my name. I’d forgotten where I was.
“Ms. Raine?”
“I’m here,” I said, standing up from Dennis. I hurried over, partly so I wouldn’t keep her waiting but mostly to escape all the people.
“Nice to meet you, Emery. I’m Dr. Tsai.” She shook my hand while I forced a smile. I wanted to seem normal so she wouldn’t try to diagnose me with more shit. “Follow me and let’s get to know you.”
I followed her down the hall. She seemed nice. So far, everyone here was more friendly than in Newark. “Wait,” I stopped walking, “can I get someone? I wanna bring someone with me.”
“Sure, if you’d like. Whatever makes you comfortable.”
I went back to the waiting room to see Dennis exactly where I’d left him, looking distracted and not happy at all. “Dennis?” I asked timidly. As usual, he somehow heard and glanced up. “Can you come with me? I’m nervous.” I smiled genuinely when he stood. We walked back to Dr. Tsai side by side.
She led us through another door to a row of offices. We passed several closed doors before she pointed to an open one toward the end.
“There’s my office,” she said. I led the way inside and sat on a comfy couch. Dennis sat beside me while Dr. Tsai closed the door. “So, you are?” She sat and swiveled in the chair, which was in front of a computer.
Of course. They always had to take notes and inspect me.
“Dennis.”
For once, he didn’t come across as intimidating. He probably didn’t wanna get diagnosed with random shit, either. It was obvious she was trying to figure out what we were.
“I’m Dr. Tsai. And what’s your relation to each other? If you don’t mind me asking. I’ll take that.” She reached for the form, which I reluctantly handed over.
“He’s my… person.” I changed the final word at the last second. He smirked and glanced at me, knowing I was about to say bind but couldn’t. “Not my person. He’s my Dennis.” It came out awkwardly. I didn’t know how else to explain him without saying he’s my bind.
“He’s your Dennis.” Dr. Tsai seemed amused. “And how long have you known each other?”
“Two weeks today,” he said. “We met on Halloween.” He laughed as I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I wasn’t complaining so much anymore, but what happened didn’t count as a simple ‘met.’
Dr. Tsai seemed creeped out by his laugh, but she seamlessly moved on. “You seem close already.” She started typing as I glanced at Dennis. “Are you getting sick?”
“Huh?” I cocked my head as she finished typing.
“Your voice.”
Right. I was still hoarse. I kept forgetting. “No. Not sick. I had a fight with my cousin yesterday and I was yelling a lot. Or screaming. I guess I strained my voice.” I cleared my throat because it was giving out again.
“So the yelling made you hoarse.” She started typing another note once I nodded. “Do you and your cousin fight often?”
“No. Never.” I hesitated before deciding I should keep going. I was in here already, so may as well get it all out there. “I had a really bad emotional breakdown and that’s why I was screaming so much.”
Dr. Tsai typed for a few seconds before turning the screen slightly away from herself. “Do you wanna tell me about it?” She placed both hands in her lap.
“My cousin—who’s my best friend, basically my sister—got pissed at me over something I did and started yelling, so I yelled back and she left and I had a breakdown. But we’re okay now.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re okay now. I’d like to know more about you. Your likes, dislikes, hobbies. What you do in your spare time.”
“I like watching cartoons and going to bars. I hate spiders and trains. I don’t really have any hobbies.” I shrugged. “I like flirting for free things, if that counts as a hobby?”
“I don’t see why not. And what do you do for work?”
“I just got hired as a bartender, but I haven’t started yet. Before that, I stripped for four years.” I waited for the typical judgmental reaction, but she had none.
“Would you say you feel safe at home?” Her eyes flickered to Dennis but that didn’t seem judgmental, either. More like checking for influence. They always did it when I wasn’t alone.
“Perfectly safe. I live with Ari and her dad, my uncle. I don’t live with him,” I nodded toward Dennis, “but I’m safe with him, too.”