Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
PHOENIX
I wear a dress made out of a sheerest black silk for the Cleansing. The fabric is so light, I’m not even sure it counts as clothes. I keep looking down to make sure the dress is on me, covering all the right areas.
My naked skin peeks through it. My scars are on display for everyone’s eyes to see. I can’t wear my gloves, so I try to keep my hands behind my back, out of sight.
I stand surrounded by four Ezkai, dressed in black leathers. Their faces are covered with plain white masks. Other participants are lined up on each side of me in this huge hall, accompanied by four Ezkai each. We’re somewhere deep under the Ezkai Castle, waiting for the ritual to start.
I’m nervous.
Not only because everyone can see my scarred flesh, but also because I have no clue what to expect. This part of preparation is supposed to help us cleanse our souls and minds. What on earth does it mean?
During my Decarios training in Wetra, we had no cleansing of our spirts or minds. It was all brutal, physical training to prepare the body and the mind to withstand the worst.
I am so out of my depth here.
The other twelve participants are regal, their shoulders squared as they stare at the big double stone door in front of us, waiting for the ceremony to start. Neither of the Ezkai talk or look at each other.
Except for Daegel.
He’s another reason why I’m so nervous tonight.
He stands on my right with his dark eyes glimmering in the candlelight. When I meet his gaze, my stomach’s in knots. We left things on bad terms when we last spoke, once again. There’s pain reflected in his dark eyes, but there’s also something else.
Determination.
Is he determined to win the trials…or get me to submit to his desires?
I want to look away, but it would be a sign of weakness. So, I stare at him with my chin high until the double door croaks and slowly opens.
Three monks dressed in long, crimson robes appear in the doorway. Their hair is weaved into lengthy braids that reach all the way to their knees. To my surprise, they all wear pleasant smiles on their lips.
“Greetings, honorable participants of Val’taz Ezkairin,” the monks greet us in unison.
The one in the middle takes a step forward.
“We have gathered here tonight for the Cleansing, so you can undress your souls and minds in front of the spirits of the gods, let them judge your worthiness and offer you their blessing,” he says, looking at each of us.
“It’s important for the Ezkai General to rid themselves of the past and learn to listen to their heart and the spirits of the gods so they can find the right path forward. ”
Judge our worthiness? Nobody mentioned judging of any kind before.
The monk walks between us, his feet light. I follow his movement with my eyes without turning my head.
“You’re going to be very close to the spirit world tonight, as the Cleansing ritual requires. The spirits of the gods will feel you approaching. You must stay strong and focused on cleansing yourself without getting lost in the vastness of your spirit world or meddle with the gods.”
I have absolutely no idea what on earth is he talking about.
Every muscle in my body is tense. I roll my shoulders.
Suddenly, I wish Dad was here to assure me I’ll be okay.
That I’ll make it. They have nothing against you, baby girl.
So go in there and show them what a Wildarrow is made of, he always said to me when I was scared to do something I’d never done before.
I barely remember what his voice sounds like.
“Ezkai,” the monk says, returning to his place between the other two monks. “Let’s begin.”
They turn and we follow them into another large hall with tall ceilings. Sun shadows dance on the earthy walls. As we go deeper into the space, a large body of water emerges. It’s a pool of water, but it’s nothing like I have ever seen before.
The water is bright blue, like the sky of the brightest summer afternoon with not a single cloud in sight. Waves and tendrils appear out of nowhere, swirling at the surface, as if the water itself is…alive.
Terror grips my chest so tight I can’t get a breath in.
What. The. Fuck.
Once we approach the edge, the Ezkai escorting me step away and leave me standing alone. I’m exposed, naked, and vulnerable. I want to hug myself to offer some form of comfort, but I know it would be seen as a weakness. So, I square my shoulders and take a deep breath in.
They never mentioned this shit at the Ezkai Academy.
“The Well greets you,” the monks say in unison.
They stand on the other side of the pool, their hands clasped over their bellies.
“We greet the Well,” the Ezkai respond together and I follow their suit.
“You look terrified,” Daegel whispers. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this afraid, princess.”
He’s standing dangerously close to me.
“That’s because you barely know me,” I snap.
He scoffs. “Ouch. So feisty.” He looks around and then leans even closer. The hairs at the back of my neck rise at the proximity. He smells so good. “I may have only known you for eight months, but I do know you better than you think.”
Before I can reply, the monk in the middle says, “Ezkai. Step into the Well. Leave your mortal struggles, hardships, desires, and beliefs behind. Let us cleanse your body, mind, and soul.”
Other participants don’t hesitate. They get into the pool, and I step closer to the water. Below me are stone stairs carved into the terrain. I have no clue how deep the water gets.
The moment my feet connect with the water, a warmth washes through me, from the tips of my toes all the way to the crown of my head. I bite my lip to stop the gasp from coming out and force myself to move until I reach the last step.
When my feet land on the bottom of the pool, the water reaches up to my waist, only I’m floating. I can see my feet on solid stone but I can’t feel anything beneath them. The tendrils swirl around me, soft and smooth as silk. It’s a very disorienting experience.
I’m warm and relaxed, despite it. Slowly, I become one with the Well. All I want is to drown in this feeling forever. I close my eyes and sway my body.
“Don’t let yourselves be seduced by the power of the Well.” The monk’s words echo somewhere far away from me.
I don’t want to listen to the damn monks. It feels so good to be here in this moment.
It’s home, and I’m sitting by the fireplace with my family after dinner, playing cards. My dad’s palm pats me on the shoulder and my mother laughs. The sound is soft and fuzzy, and it wraps around me like my favorite wool blanket. My sisters bicker and I smile.
“Let the waves pass through you. Let the spirits take away the memories that are holding you back, the feelings and emotions blocking you from your true self.” The monk’s words are like music in my mind.
A deep cry, almost a growl, comes from somewhere behind me. I ignore it, holding tightly to the feeling of comfort and happiness that surrounds me. It seeps deep into my flesh, to the marrow of my bones.
My emotions feel raw as they pulsate inside my chest. I inhale a sharp breath, because it’s a bit much. I don’t want to feel this intensely all at once. It burns me from the inside out.
It’s the pain of heartbreak and the pleasure of a lover’s touch all at once. The sorrow of losing a parent, and the joy of finding a place to call home. The rage of most brutal betrayal and the terror of never feeling like you belong.
I can barely keep all of it contained within me. The emotions tear through my chest. I can’t do it anymore. I must let go, otherwise I’ll die. But I resist, because if I let go…I will let go of everything that makes me who I am.
I swallow down the pain, pushing it deeper inside me so it won’t leave me. I shove and push until I can’t breathe anymore. My lungs don’t expand; there is no space.
I should be scared, but I’m not.
I’m light as a feather.
I want to open my eyes, but they don’t listen to me. I float in the water for what feels like forever.
The air full of salty sea scent tickles my nose. I giggle. The wind whips at my cheeks and messes with my hair. This time around, I’m able to open my eyes.
Vasquez’s tanned face in front of me is so familiar it hurts. I blink, reaching for him. When I touch his face, and it’s real under my fingertips, I gasp. Vasquez grins.
It’s been a long time, sweetheart.
His rich-timbred voice rumbles deep inside me, and I laugh. I miss him so much.
“Ezkai, don’t let your inner demons seduce you.” The monk’s voice rings in my mind. A shiver passes through my body. “Resist, fight, stand strong in the face of the deepest, darkest corners of your being. The spirits of the gods can feel your weakness.”
Vasquez caresses my cheek. His hand is warm and soft like the water in the Well. I close my eyes with a sigh and lean into his touch. The sweet sensation of it sends waves of pleasure rolling through my body.
I have found the place I never want to leave.
This is home.
It’s everything I have been looking for since I watched my family burn alive, together with the house I grew up in.
You idiot, Vera’s voice says to me. My eyes snap open. Vasquez is still here with me. But Vera’s here, too, right next to him. I open my mouth to ask her what is she doing here, but no words leave my lips. Vasquez’s soft fingers behind my neck turn into an ironclad grip pinning me in place.
Remember your why. Vera’s lips don’t move. She speaks directly into my mind. Her words, the tone of her voice feels like a cold shower. I hate it, because it pulls me further away from the cozy warmth I crave.
I look back at Vasquez.
Something is different.
Dark shadows settle in the lines of his face, and his brown eyes turn black. A cold fire burns inside them. I blink and the flames engulf me. I wince, trying to run away from the agony.
But I can’t escape.
I’m burning from the inside out. The skin where my scars are burns, as if I’m in the fire at my family’s home all over again. My throat aches, and I want to scream, to release the pain of the burning cold flames, but I can’t find my voice.
“Ezkai, it’s time to let go!” the monk’s voice demands in my mind. “Let go and cleanse yourselves, once and for all!”
Vasquez calls for me, but I don’t answer. I want to get away as far from him as possible even if I can’t move or speak.
He isn’t real.
This isn’t right.
I close my eyes once again and inhale a deep breath. Despite the pain and terror, I surrender to the cold and embrace it. I feel the pain and the rage pass through and out of me. Just like the memories of my loved ones, the good and the bad.
For a long time, I’m drowning in complete silence. It’s dark, and empty. But slowly, I gain my ability to move and I flex my fingers. Wiggle my toes.
When I open my eyes, I’m back at the Well. The monks stand at the edge with calm and pleasant faces. My heart pounds in my ears and throat. I bring my hands to my cheeks. They’re wet.
Exhaustion hits me like a wall of bricks.
“You have done well, Ezkai,” the middle monk says. “You’ve cleansed your mind, body, and soul, and you’re ready for the next step waiting ahead of you.”
I look around.
There are three bodies floating in the water. I clasp my hand over my mouth. The rest of the participants still alive are just as shocked as I am. Even Daegel is distressed, the mask of confidence gone.
The Ezkai rush to haul the bodies out of the Well. The cadavers have unnaturally pale skin and lips, and their eyes are void of pupils or irises. As if their souls have abandoned their bodies, leaving only a lifeless sack of flesh behind.
What. The. Fuck.
I hug myself. I’m shaking so bad even my teeth clatter. All of us are supposed to survive this. This is a preparation ritual, not an elimination. I can’t believe it. I could have been one of them.
“Not everyone survives the Cleansing,” Daegel says to me as I approach the edge of the pool where he stands. “That’s why they call it the Culling. Didn’t your patron warn you?”
I don’t answer. I’m too shaken.
Daegel notices it, and all the anger and sarcasm vanishes. His voice is soft when he says, “Phoenix, are you alright?”
He takes a step closer to me, but I lift my palms in the air and step away. I shake my head. It’s too much for me to process. Daegel and I…we’re on opposite sides now.
I can’t seek comfort in an enemy.
Not when there’s so many eyes around us.
Daegel seems to remember that, too, as he collects himself.
“Ezkai,” the monk says, drawing my attention.
“The Cleansing has officially come to an end. Rest, recharge, and reflect upon today’s events.
Meditate on the things you’ve uncovered inside your mind and soul today; they will help you win these trials.
Only the Decarios that reach the perfect balance between his mind, body, and soul can be a true chosen leader. The Well blesses you.”
I barely made it out alive tonight.
One thing is clear—I’m not fighting other Decarios during these trials. First and foremost, I’m fighting myself. It’s something I don’t expect, and have no desire to do.
Worse—I’m not sure I have the skills to do it.