Chapter 51
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
PHOENIX
The next day, I’m back to training with Kazh.
“If this is the attitude you’ll bring to the Trial of Truth, you might as well not participate at all,” the old woman says and whacks me with her cane.
I don’t flinch despite the sharp pain in my side. I grind my teeth and keep my mouth shut, gaze forward.
Even though I don’t admit it out loud, I welcome the pain and the curses she throws at me. It’s a good distraction from the storm raging inside of me.
Last night…changed everything. I killed someone with my emotional manipulation alone, which I had no idea I could do. Is it something every Decarios is capable of? Is it an ability I possess after that chilling experience during the Culling?
I have so many questions.
And then there’s Daegel…I’m blinded with anger anytime I think about him, and whether or not Vera’s right and he’s aware of his family’s Caligos busin—
“Focus, you brainless fetus,” Oka Oya spits. “There is not a single fucking thought behind those pretty eyes, is there! Where is that damn Ezkai who won the Trial of Wisdom without slaying the dragon, huh?”
I shoot her a sharp glance.
“Don’t throw a temper tantrum for me here. I’m too old for that shit.”
She comes to a stop in front of me. I can’t avoid her inquiring gaze.
“Now, tell me what in the sea monster’s ass is the matter with you today? We don’t have much longer before the invitation to the second trial arrives. Every second is precious.”
I don’t want to talk about it. I press my lips into a thin line. The weight of her gaze pins me down, and soon I feel like drowning.
For the training to be successful, there must be trust, honesty, and respect.
I glance around the empty back garden. There’s nobody but the two of us around; Vera and the crew are all inside the studio.
If anyone can answer my questions about my Decarios abilities, it’s Kazh.
“Last night…I accompanied Vera to a…” I pause because I’m not sure how much can I reveal to Kazh.
How much does the legendary Oka Oya know about what happens in the shadows?
“Let’s say it was a soiree of sorts. And during that soiree, we…
got attacked. I used emotional manipulation to protect our group. ”
“And?”
I focus my gaze over her shoulder and watch the white fluffy clouds float through the blue sky with ease. My heart races in my chest at the memories of my power last night. How it felt roaming inside me, and flowing through me and out into the world.
I felt…unstoppable.
“And…I killed someone,” I say quietly. She quirks an eyebrow at me. “Without touching them. With my emotional manipulation ability alone.”
She’s silent for a couple of heartbeats.
“Is that the first time you’ve done that? Killed with emotional manipulation?”
I nod.
“I see. How many?”
“Four fae.”
Her eyes widen a fraction at that.
“I didn’t even think it was possible! Never before have I heard of such a thing.
Sure, we can manipulate and read, that’s what I was taught in Wetra and here in the Ezkai Academy.
But to kill?” I shake my head. “I got sick afterward. Once my targets were dead, my body crumpled. Not because I killed, but it was just…as if my body couldn’t handle that power. ”
“It requires a lot of energy for Decarios to attempt such a feat.”
“So, is that normal? Do other Decarios possess this…ability, too?”
She regards me with a closed-off face for a minute before she says, “I’ve heard of it happening. It’s extremely rare, though. And for a good reason.”
My eyebrows hike all the way to my hairline. “Why’s that?”
“Decarios are lethal as is. Imagine how much more dangerous it is to have a Decarios who can kill at a distance, on command.”
I gulp. Oh dear gods. That sort of power makes a Decarios—
Kazh scatters my thoughts. “Besides, an untrained Decarios, or one who’s too arrogant in their abilities, could easily overextend themselves and die if they push too hard. Tell me again, how did it happen?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I was angry. Furious. It just…happened.”
The look she gives me is understanding and judging all at the same time. “That tells me you lost your grip on your emotions to conjure enough power to slay four fae.”
Heat rises to my cheeks. I’m thankful the color doesn’t show up on my skin. I press my lips into a thin line and lower my gaze. I may have lost my temper…
“You’re a stubborn little shit.” She spits the words after a charged silence between us.
“Impossible to work with. I have trained over fifty gifted Decarios, and not a single one was this stubborn, arrogant, and stupid. If I hear that you lost your temper and killed someone with emotional manipulation ability one more time, there will be consequences.”
I roll my eyes, but I welcome the insults. I am much more comfortable with this, taking her bullying, rather than having an intimate heart-to-heart.
Kazh clicks her tongue. “You piss me off. I want to see you train twice as hard today as you did prior. Now, get your ass up from that damn rock and get into a singing swan position. Quickly, before I whip your ass!”
Kazh never goes easy on me. But today, she goes extra hard.
As if she is trying to punish me for losing control over my emotions.
By the time the sun sets and we finish our training, I’m dripping in sweat and panting like a farm horse.
My legs are jelly, and I can barely walk as I make my way back inside the studio.
As always, Kazh leaves immediately, refusing Vera’s invitation to stay for dinner.
“You look run-down, darling,” Jax drawls when he sees me. “Still breathtaking.”
I flip him off and stalk upstairs, incredibly slow to wash up and change before dinner with Jax, Vera, and her gang.
When I finally get back downstairs, everyone’s at the dining table and the food is ready.
I take an empty seat on Vera’s right. As always, she’s at the head of the table. Jax sits in front of me.
“I’m starving,” I say, looking over all the freshly made delicious food in front of me. “This is a feast.”
“Morque knows how to take care of us well,” Vera says, and starts piling her plate with food.
I do the same. The first bite of grilled king mushroom is just as good as an orgasm. Maybe even better…I gobble down my food quickly and go in for seconds.
Vera jerks her chin at her crew. “Want to give me a quick update on where everyone’s at with clients this week? I’ve been preoccupied with other things, so I’m not up to date with everything that’s going on.”
“We’re hosting a party for Noblewoman Jollye and her wife, who just got back from a three-month trip to Emera.
She’s a foreign affairs diplomat, and their family is very generous with us.
Chose our entertainers over Ri’s for the third time round, so the old hag might be a bit prickly for a little while,” Hel says without looking up from her plate.
A corner of Vera’s mouth quirks up. “She’ll deal. There’s no harm in some healthy competition. How many of you are working on that this week?”
“Me, Hojo, and Tanaka,” Hel says. “We also have some dancers coming in from Danika’s studio. Ri didn’t want to offer her girls, so we had to go to Danika.”
“Danika’s girls are good. It’s been a while since we worked together,” Vera says and takes a sip of her steaming green tea. “Remind me to host Danika and her girls sometime for dinner. When the trials are over and we’re not pressed for time.”
Hel salutes Vera. “You got it, boss.”
Vera looks at Bart. The tattooed man sits on the other end of the table. He’s on his third plate already. And here I thought I was a fast eater. “What are you up to, handsome?”
He looks up from his plate and puts the utensils down. “I’m accompanying Noblewoman Genji to her lake house this weekend. We leave on Thursday and should be back on Sunday evening. Her husband is out of town for business.”
Vera nods. “Good. Her lake house is beautiful. Have fun.”
“Oh, I will,” Bart says and flashes Vera a wild smile. “Noblewoman Genji has an appetite.”
“We know all about it,” Hojo says and giggles.
Tanaka scrunches her perfect doll nose. Even like that, she’s stunning. I wish I had her beauty.
“Vera, Nobleman Uringi requested you for the event next week. He needs an escort for a party Ezkai Reizei is throwing,” Hel says. “He precisely asked for you and nobody else.”
Vera sighs and nods. She cups her clay mug between her delicate palms and leans backwards in her chair. “I’ll talk to him and see what I can do. I might have time for a party. Especially if it’s one organized by the Talbots.”
“I could go instead of you, if you desire so,” Tanaka says quietly.
Bart and Hel exchange a glance. But don’t comment.
“Thank you, dear, for offering. Unfortunately, Nobleman Uringi is a stubborn man. If he wants me, he won’t accept anyone else no matter how beautiful they might be.”
Tanaka nods and returns to eating.
I find Vera’s studio politics fascinating. After living with her and her crew for weeks now, I am much more knowledgeable about what Caetras do.
After the dinner, everyone scatters around the studio.
Vera and Bart go to the tattoo bench to work on finishing something on Bart’s body.
Tanaka and Hojo retire to the home library to study something because they have yet to graduate their Caetra training.
Whatever that might entail. Hel leaves to deal with some last-minute preparations. It’s only me and Jax left.
I sit on the leather armchair next to a fireplace. Since last night, I have trouble getting warm enough again. It’s like there is a permanent hole deep inside me.
I catch Jax staring at me, amusement dancing in his gaze.
“What are you looking at? Don’t you have something better to do? I’m surprised you’re not busy flirting with some poor girl who has terrible taste in men.”
A lazy smile spreads across his face. “I’m exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. Jealousy again, darling? Sorry to hear you’ve got such bad taste in men.”
The tips of my ears burn. My bad for attempting a conversation.
“Fuck you.”
Jax’s dark eyes sparkle. “You only have to say a word.”
The silence that stretches between us is charged. I don’t know how it always happens so quickly. I clear my throat and revert my gaze. I focus on watching the logs in the fireplace get devoured by wild flames.
After a long pause, I ask, “What happened last night? When I—when I used emotional manipulation to kill those thugs? What did you feel?”
I don’t dare look at Jax. I’m terrified of what his face might reveal.
“I was filled with dreadful fear,” he says. “It rose out of nowhere, and even though I understood it was you working your magic on those men…it was still, well, terrifying.”
I swallow. It was so reckless of me to attempt to use my power like this, with Jax and Vera right next to me…I could have harmed them. They could be dead now, just like those four Caligos.
A realization dawns on me then. I don’t want them dead. Neither of them.
A ball rises in my throat, and I have a hard time swallowing. I grip the arms of the armchair harder. The leather of my gloves squeaks against the leather of the chair.
I don’t realize how tense I am until Jax’s hand lands on my forearm and he offers me a gentle, assuring squeeze. I blink and turn my head. Our gazes meet. His is warm and…understanding.
“You didn’t meant to kill those men, did you?” I shake my head. Jax nods. “The first time you kill, it…it can haunt you for a long time.”
I bark a laugh. “It wasn’t my first time, buddy. The first time I killed I was, what…ten or eleven? Maybe even younger.”
Jax removes his hand and leans back in his chair. “It doesn’t mean those deaths don’t stay with you. Every life we take lives within us for the rest of our lives.”
I’m startled by his words.
It’s something Dad always said. Don’t ask if you can kill. As soldiers, we’re born for it. But you better be certain your reason aligns with your inner compass. Because every life you take stays with you until the end of yours.
“Have you killed before? I thought you were just a con artist and a thief.”
Jax looks at the fireplace, and for a brief moment he appears to be haunted. “I have, plenty,” he finally says. His voice is void of any emotions. “My first time was a mistake. I didn’t meant to do what I did.”
I pull my knees to my chest and get comfortable. Finally, the warmth from the fireplace is reaching deeper inside me. “Who did you kill? How did it happen? You don’t strike me as a dangerous kind. No offense.”
Jax purses his lips. “None taken, Phoenix darling.”
He falls silent. It takes a moment for him to find his words again. Slowly, a smile blooms on his mouth. It’s the saddest smile in the world. Jax’s head falls backwards to rest on the back of his chair, revealing the tall smooth column of his throat.
When he says the next words, my heart drops. “The girl I was madly in love with. A couple of years back, before I came here to Ekios. Her death is the reason I’m here.”
I’m speechless. It’s the last thing I expect to hear.
He turns his head so he faces me. “The funniest thing about it is that I was trying to protect her. I tried to protect her from my own damn family, and all it did was get her killed.”
I frown. “I’m sorry. That—I can’t even imagine how that feels. To take the life of someone you love, especially accidentally.”
The worst thing imaginable is having to take the life of someone you love.
He rakes his teeth over his bottom lip and nods. “It feels like dying. And while the feeling dulls, it never fully goes away. However, you learn to live with it. To accept it as a new part of you that will always be there.”
I understand what he’s saying. All those lives I took to this day, they follow me around. Like a dark, misty veil dragging at my feet. I just learned to ignore it.
“Thank you. For sharing,” I say quietly.
Jax winks at me. We sit in silence until the last ember in the fireplace dies down. Even if only temporary, I don’t feel so alone.