Chapter 60
CHAPTER SIXTY
PHOENIX
I need to go.
I need to breathe.
The walls in Vera’s studio are closing in on me.
I never had a panic attack, and I don’t know how it feels. But what I’m feeling right now is how I imagine it feels to lose your mind.
Or I might be dying.
My breathing is labored, but I push through it and leave Vera’s studio, putting on the first pair of shoes I can find. I slam the door behind me and venture outside. The cool air is a little kinder to my lungs than the air inside my room, but I still can’t get enough oxygen into my body.
I rub the middle of my chest in circles, but it doesn’t help.
I rely on my senses to navigate the people. There are so many of them in the streets. Nobody seems to pay attention to me, a blind girl, the honorable champion of the trials, wandering the streets.
Something’s in my path and I stumble.
The landing on all fours is painful. I scrape my knees and palms. Cursing, I get back on my feet and keep moving. From now on, I stay close to the building walls, tracing the path with my fingertips.
I think I might throw up.
My stomach is empty.
After a couple of steps, there is a gap between the buildings. I map out the location with my hands—it appears to be an alley. I slip inside and immediately hunch over. With my hands resting on my thighs, I dry heave, the panic inside me making my whole body tremble.
Dear gods, I can’t do this anymore.
The sky crashes over me. I’m too weak to hold it up anymore. After the wave of nausea passes, I’m exhausted. I lean against the wall with my back and let my head rest on the cool stone. My breathing is heavy, but the pressure in my chest eases with each heartbeat.
Maybe I won’t die, after all.
At least, not tonight.
I slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the cold ground. A sob rises from deep within my chest and I cover my face with my hands.
I fucked up. I fucked everything up.
There is nobody else to blame but myself. And all I wanted, all I ever wanted for the last three years, was to avenge my family, to punish the man responsible for betraying them and having them killed.
But maybe the king of Wetra isn’t the one to blame.
It’s my fault, after all.
If I hadn’t started an argument that night, and hadn’t run off into the forest to hide, my parents would have noticed the fire sooner.
My parents would have noticed the assassins hiding in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to strike.
My sisters…they would have been able to escape, because they wouldn’t be looking for me in our hiding spot in the basement.
We would have made it out alive together.
Or at least, we would have died together.
I wouldn’t have to navigate this on my own. Completely alone.
Maybe all this time I have been focused on vengeance so that I wouldn’t have to face the truth. And the truth is, I’m the reason my family is dead. You’re my warrior. Dad’s voice rings in my mind.
It only makes me cry harder.
Would he be proud of who I am today? I don’t think so.
I doubt your father would have wanted this path for you. General Kitajo’s voice now echoes in my mind.
Mom, Dad…my sisters. They would not recognize me.
Deep down I know my parents wouldn’t want me to seek revenge for their lives at any cost. They would want me to follow my heart. That’s how they raised me.
But what does that even mean? All these years I thought that’s exactly what I was doing. Following my heart, its only desire revenge.
But have I really?
Vera is the one who truly follows her heart. She knows who she is, and what her purpose is. She showed me that there is so much to fight for. She reminded me how important family truly is. Somehow, I have forgotten it.
Maybe instead of seeking to avenge their deaths, I should focus on making my family proud.
That way, I can honor them in death. I know exactly how I can do that.
I’ll make them proud by doing the right thing, by having a purpose higher than me.
By using my gifts as a Decarios to protect those who can’t protect themselves.
A flicker stirs inside me. Warmth, laughter, the echo of home.
Belonging.
A place I once had, and could have again.
The truth hits me so hard it steals the breath from my lungs.
I want that.
I want a home again.
And then—
Guilt slams through me like a blade.
No.
No, I don’t get to want that.
My family burned while I ran.
They died looking for me.
I don’t deserve a home.
I don’t deserve belonging.
Home is for daughters who didn’t fail their family.
I owe my suffering to them.
The only thing that pays the debt I owe them is vengeance.
I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking.
I refuse this.
I refuse this truth.
I refuse to want something I lost because of me.
I hiss because the skin between my breasts where the tattoo is burns. Suddenly, the fog that clouds my mind lifts.
I blink, and the darkness starts to fade.
I see the grimy wall in front of me.
The memories from the Trial of Truth surge through my mind.
I remember.
Finally, I remember everything.
The true intention of your heart is to belong, Lorca’s voice whispers in my mind. That’s what the trickster god told me that I couldn’t comprehend during the trial.
No way it’s this simple. This…mundane.
Immediately, I recoil at that thought. Now that the misty darkness covering my mind and my sight has lifted, I see clearer. I can think clearer.
This can’t be it. I refuse this as my true heart’s desire.
What, have these three years been a fucking waste? I shake my head. Fuck this.
A familiar chuckle echoes in my mind. A chill goes down my back and I look around the dark alley. I’m alone.
The low voice in my mind says, You found your way to me, Phoenix Wildarrow. Yet nothing has changed.
You. Lorca, the trickster god.
A gentle caress of the claws. You even learned my name. How delightful.
“What the actual fuck.” I breathe out the words.
Now that you know the truth, are you ready to accept it?
I frown. No. This is bullshit. It changes nothing. Will you…are you always going to be inside my mind now?
When it pleases me to do so. I’ve got other things to do, too. An amused chuckle. I must say, though. You’re my favorite plaything.
I’m not sure it’s a good thing.
With a sigh, I push myself back to my feet. Listen, I say to the presence in my mind. I would appreciate it if you didn’t get in my way while I attempt to get you the hundred souls I owe you.
I would never, Phoenix Wildarrow, Lorca purrs. You’re excellent at that yourself. No help needed from me.
I scoff.
Great.
Another sassy bitch, as if dealing with my bow’s attitude for months wasn’t enough to last me a lifetime.
I wander the streets of Jaakii for a long while before I’m ready to return and face my reality.
By the time I get back to Vera’s studio, the early sunrays are painting the dark sky in yellows and reds.
I enter and freeze. Vera stands in the middle of the studio, wrapped in a satin robe, a cup with steaming coffee in hand.
Her lips part when she realizes I’m not blind anymore. “Your eyes!”
“You’re up early,” I say, closing the door behind me.
I remove the shoes.
They are, in fact, mismatched.
Vera ignores my comment. “Where did you go? Your sight is back? How?”
I sigh, tired, as if I just spent the night running four marathons.
“Come on, Phoenix. Tell me.”
Vera sits on one of the plush sofas in the conversation pit and I join her. She lifts the cup in her hand. “Coffee?”
I shake my head. I’m charged from tonight’s events as it is. I need to sleep at least a couple of hours, even if it’s morning already.
“Do you remember now what happened during the Trial of Truth?”
I nod.
“Do you want to share?”
“I faced Lorca, who forced me to uncover the deepest parts of myself,” I say. “And…it didn’t go as well as we could have hoped. However, everything is fine now. I have found my way, and learned what Lorca wanted me to learn.”
Vera regards me for a moment in silence. I can see it written all over her face—she wants to press for more details. But she respects my boundaries. So, she clears her throat and asks, “So, Oka Oya was right about that part?”
I nod again.
“Phoenix, what did you see inside your mind during that last meditation?”
I’m quiet for a heartbeat, staring into the wall. Finally, I say, “I…I don’t know.”
I truly don’t. And I have no desire to try and figure it out. As far as I’m concerned, I’m staying as far from my subconscious mind as fucking possible.
Vera brings the cup to her lips and hums. After a pause, she says, “I’m glad you passed the second trial, Phoenix. And I’m glad you found your way back to yourself, whatever that may mean. You look more determined than ever.”
I smile a little. “I’m glad, too, Vera. Trust me. And you’re right, I’m even more determined to win. I can’t let down my patron and my mentor.”
Vera’s lips quirk upwards.
“You know, when Noire and I were choosing our champion, he was very keen on supporting you, but I was hesitant,” she says.
“Ah, regretting your decision now?”
She smiles. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t have moments of doubt. But I have to say, after you refused to slay the dragon, I knew we had chosen right.”
I frown. “Really? Why?”
She takes a sip of her coffee. “You know, it takes a special kind of person, one with great inner strength and moral compass, to refuse to slay the threat to their life. When I watched you face that dragon without flinching…well, it was a sight to behold. I have only ever witnessed such strength and bravery once before.”
Vera doesn’t have to say it. I know she means Kitajo.
I lean forward, closer to her. “That’s because you clearly don’t spend enough time looking at yourself in the mirror. You are the strongest and bravest woman I know. Without you, I wouldn’t be where I am. And for that, I’ll be forever grateful.”
Vera blinks, taken aback by my words. I don’t blame her. I’m not the best at expressing my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Especially not verbally.
I only hope she can’t see the guilt that her kind words awakened inside me.
She clears her throat. “It’s a good thing our paths crossed. But our work together is far from over, Phoenix.”
“I know,” I say with a sigh and sink deeper into the plush pillows.
Sleep claims me the moment I close my eyes.