Chapter 59
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
PHOENIX
“There’s no way to access that part of your mind unless Lorca allows you,” Kazh says with a sigh. “No Decarios can trick the spirits of the gods. If you think you can, we don’t have squat to talk about, you dipshit.”
I press my lips into a thin line and choose not to answer.
Gods damn it. I’m running out of time. The threat of the last trial happening any day now looms over my head. And I’m yet to uncover the stupid fucking lesson Lorca wants me to learn.
I’ve spent every single waking moment of the last week training. My shields are back in place, impenetrable. My physical strength is at its peak. But that won’t compensate for lack of sight.
“But,” Kazh says and I perk up. “There’s a way to help you learn whatever Lorca wants you to learn about yourself.”
“How?”
“Going into your subconscious mind.”
Immediately, my heart drops. My throat’s dry, and when I try to swallow it’s like a ball is stuck in my throat.
I can’t do that. I don’t want to. We only attempted it once and it was…And that time during the Culling—oh no. A shiver runs through me. I slide my palms up and down my thighs, shaking my head.
“You can’t run away from things you fear,” Kazh says. “They’ll chase after you until the end of the earth. There’s no escaping them. Only way to conquer what you fear is to face it and overcome it.”
I scoff. “Easy for you to say! I almost died during the Culling.” I shake my head. “I don’t know what I did, how I managed to pull myself out of…out of…whatever that place was. What if the next time I won’t be so lucky?”
“That’s why we’re training, you dumb child. So that you’ll learn how to access your subconscious mind without having to rely on luck. As an Ezkai General you must master this skill.”
I sigh. Fuck.
I either learn it now, or I’ll have to learn it later. No escaping this.
“Okay,” I say, resigned. “How do I do this?”
“Finally, those lonely two brain cells of yours are rubbing together,” Kazh mutters and bangs her cane once on the stone.
That sound is enough to make my nerves flare up.
“Just like the last time. What are you, a goldfish? You keep yourself grounded in your physical body at all times. It has to hurt to be real.” She pauses.
I wait for her to continue with instructions.
When I don’t do anything, she snaps, “What are you waiting for? Engage your muscles.”
“Oh. Okay.”
She whacks me with the cane over my bare arms. It’s not too harsh this time around, though.
“Are you softening up on me, old crone?” I tease with a smirk.
She whacks my sides, not as gently. I wince.
“Talk some more and see where that takes you,” Kazh deadpans.
And here I thought we were bonding.
With a sigh, I close my eyes and engage my core. I tense the muscles as hard as I can.
“Your buttocks! Don’t want to see no loose buttocks, dipshit.”
I obey her. Not sure how long I can hold the tension like this. The burn builds quickly.
Kazh begins to tap her cane. Then to rattle her bracelets.
The symphony of sounds is uncomfortable. Not because it’s annoying to the ear, but there’s something about the rhythm and the notes that makes me uneasy.
I acknowledge that feeling and let go of it.
“As you hold the tension, reach deep within your mind,” Kazh orders.
I do, wading through my cleared mind towards the darkness that looms at the edge.
“Don’t force it,” she says, her voice sounding a little farther away now.
The tapping and jiggling is just as present, though. As if she were doing it straight in my ear.
“Surrender to your mind. Be present within it. Observe.”
I do as she says.
Inch by inch, I get closer to the misty fog, but I don’t push against it like I did the last time. I let it linger there while I linger on the edge.
“Don’t let go of the burning of your muscles,” Kazh orders. She’s even farther away now. “Do you see the door to your subconscious anywhere?”
I scan the landscape of my mind. It takes me a while to notice the door that appears out of thin air on my left. It’s glowing red.
Bloodred.
“Yes,” I murmur.
It’s my lips moving, but the sound of my voice is foreign to my ears.
“Focus,” Kazh says. “Focus on the burning of the flesh and enter.”
I pause. My heart races in my chest, and for a moment I think I can’t do it.
But then, I reach for the handle and before I know it, the door’s open and I’m stepping through it.
Pitch-black darkness envelops me. The burning of my muscles eases a tad, the sound of the rattling and tapping dulling.
“Remain grounded in your physical body.” Kazh’s voice is barely audible now.
To my surprise, here I find no fear. Just serene quietness.
That’s until a familiar figure appears in front of it. Daegel.
My heart aches at the sight of him.
But I see it now, the truth.
I can’t believe I have fallen for a man like Daegel. I can’t believe I allowed myself to be lulled to love him. I thought when I found him, I found home. Something tickles the back of my mind. A gentle caress.
Princess. His voice is loud and clear in my head. I love you.
It’s the only thing I hear.
I wanted my love to be enough for you, he says. Why can’t it be enough for you?
I want to weep. How have I been so blind? So stupid. He’s been lying and omitting truth since the first day I met him.
Suddenly, Daegel’s hand is on my neck. I look down to find my physical body in this dark place. How’s that…how’s that possible?
I have no clue, but the pressure on my throat as Daegel squeezes it is very much real.
Daegel. I choke out the word.
I would have moved mountains for you, he hisses. I would have given you vengeance if only my love would have been enough for you.
I can’t breathe.
My throat aches, and I try to speak, but Daegel squeezes harder. He pushes me down onto my back and I’m falling.
He does too.
I land on my back, with him on top of me. His weight is three times more than mine, than his weight in real life.
I can’t move.
And I can barely get a breath in.
Desperate, I claw at his face. It helps nothing. He’s overpowering me, pushing my legs apart with his and squeezing himself between them.
Oh no, no, no—
What’s happening? This can’t be real.
“Focus on the burn.” Kazh’s voice echoes somewhere far in the distance.
Why couldn’t you accept it? Daegel’s face is twisted with rage.
“Focus on the burn!”
I gasp, choke.
Finally, I register what Kazh says. Within my mind, I scramble to find that tether to my physical body, that tension and the burn of my muscles.
Daegel’s weight on top of me is overwhelming. The heat from it leaches out and into me.
The hardness between my thighs feels too real.
I don’t know what’s happening.
Please. I choke, working very hard to find that damn tether.
Finally! I find that sense of burning muscles and hold on to it. It becomes stronger with each passing heartbeat, and I follow it.
I’m whiplashed as I get pulled out through that door and back into my mind. My eyes snap open, but it’s only darkness.
I hunch over and retch. My throat still burns, as if Daegel was actually physically here to choke me.
“Phoenix!” Vera’s voice, and then a moment later, her hands land on my shoulders and pull me up.
I’m still sick to my stomach, but there’s nothing left to puke.
So I keep dry heaving.
“It’s normal.” Kazh’s voice. “Until she’s used to being comfortably inside the depths of her mind, she may experience physical discomfort.”
“I almost died in there.” My voice is rough.
“Well, what did I tell ya about not getting lost?”
I start to tremble all over. “I need space.”
With weak knees, I slide off the meditation stone and stumble towards the studio.
“Phoenix!” Vera calls. “You can’t go anywhere in this condition!”
“Let her,” Kazh says. “She has to process what she’s learned.”